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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Woodsville, New Hampshire, United States
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    14

    Default Emotionally Harmful Grandparents

    My question involves grandparents rights in the State of: New Hampshire

    I have custody of my ex husband's 13 year old daughter. Her birth mother is allowed no contact by court order for abuse and neglect. Their 16 year old son has extreme violence issues and is also allowed no contact. He lives with their maternal grandmother.
    The maternal grandmother when allowed contact with (my) daughter has not followed the court orders, asks her to lie to me, tells her she doesn't have to listen to me because I am "not her real mom", lies to her and manipulates her as well as passes on messages from the birth mother that do nothing but upset her. She returns home an emotional wreck.
    The grandmothers request for contact diminished to almost nothing when she got custody of her grandson, (2 times in the past year) but has recently decided to complain and request more contact after I denied her request to take (my) daughter to a Christmas party where both her birth mother and brother would be attending.
    She caused a terrible scene in front of all of my children and openly stated things that should never be discussed in front of children. I don't believe there is anything healthy about contact with this woman and am wondering if I need to worry about a court forcing contact when it's so detrimental to (my) daughter's mental health. Her counselor is on my side on this one, but I don't know if that will matter if it comes down to it.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Emotionally Harmful Grandparents

    Why does your ex-husband, the child's father, not have custody? Did you adopt this child while married to him? (It's VERY unusual for a step-parent to be given ANY legal relationship, including custody, unless an adoption took place or BOTH biological parents had their rights to the child terminated or otherwise curtailed by the courts.)

    Exactly what does the court's order regarding maternal grandmother visitation state? While contact with her may not be healthy for the child, if the court has a standing order, it needs to be obeyed - UNLESS there is some imminent physical danger for the child - until the order is modified. Emotional games alone aren't going to constitute "emergcy" grounds for not obeying. If grandma is attempting to circumvent the order and bring mom and child together when clearly the court has forbidden it, that's excellent grounds for you to ask the court to change the order on the grounds that grandma can't be trusted to look out for the child's best interest as already determined by the court. Grandma can complain and request all she wants, but you are under NO obligation to give her anything more than exactly what is spelled out in your order. In fact, doing so, and giving her more time, only weakens your arguement to the court later that such contact isn't good for the child. The therapist's opinion may be helpful in confirming that the contact is detrimental, but the court seems to have already determined that mom has no business around the child, and if grandma is attempting to be a means for that to happen, grandma is risking having the court TERMINATE her contact with the child as well. But that decision needs to come from the court, so get back to court, tell the judge that grandma is failing to protect the child by purposefully trying to reunite her with mom, and ask that future visitation be either supervised, or even completely terminated.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    35,894

    Default Re: Emotionally Harmful Grandparents

    Does the grandmother have court-ordered visitation?

    How long have you had custody?

    Why did you end up with custody?

    (There's a reason I'm asking these questions )

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Woodsville, New Hampshire, United States
    Posts
    14

    Default Re: Emotionally Harmful Grandparents

    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
    View Post
    Does the grandmother have court-ordered visitation?

    How long have you had custody?

    Why did you end up with custody?

    (There's a reason I'm asking these questions )
    There are no court orders about the grandmother yet, she is threatening to try to get visitation though.
    I've been in her life for almost 12 years now, with full custody going to the father and I when she was 5. I've been divorced for 2 1/2 years now and she's lived with me the whole time. I got official guardianship about a year and a half ago.
    The father was found to be unfit to have full custody of her or her siblings and she wanted to stay with me as I've been her mom for a long time and have always provided her with a stable home environment. The GAL and her counselor were both adamant that she stay with me.

    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    Why does your ex-husband, the child's father, not have custody? Did you adopt this child while married to him? (It's VERY unusual for a step-parent to be given ANY legal relationship, including custody, unless an adoption took place or BOTH biological parents had their rights to the child terminated or otherwise curtailed by the courts.)

    Exactly what does the court's order regarding maternal grandmother visitation state? While contact with her may not be healthy for the child, if the court has a standing order, it needs to be obeyed - UNLESS there is some imminent physical danger for the child - until the order is modified. Emotional games alone aren't going to constitute "emergcy" grounds for not obeying. If grandma is attempting to circumvent the order and bring mom and child together when clearly the court has forbidden it, that's excellent grounds for you to ask the court to change the order on the grounds that grandma can't be trusted to look out for the child's best interest as already determined by the court. Grandma can complain and request all she wants, but you are under NO obligation to give her anything more than exactly what is spelled out in your order. In fact, doing so, and giving her more time, only weakens your arguement to the court later that such contact isn't good for the child. The therapist's opinion may be helpful in confirming that the contact is detrimental, but the court seems to have already determined that mom has no business around the child, and if grandma is attempting to be a means for that to happen, grandma is risking having the court TERMINATE her contact with the child as well. But that decision needs to come from the court, so get back to court, tell the judge that grandma is failing to protect the child by purposefully trying to reunite her with mom, and ask that future visitation be either supervised, or even completely terminated.


    I can not adopt her while the birth mother hasn't had her rights terminated. She has a no contact order which has been in effect for several years. I was given guardianship after a GAL determined that it was in her best interest.
    There are no court orders regarding the grandmother as of yet. I am following all of the court orders, it's the birth mother, brother and maternal grandmother that are trying to skirt around them.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Emotionally Harmful Grandparents

    If grandma has no court order that grants her visitation with the child, then you have NO obligation to allow visitation. If you have reason to think that visitation with grandma is detremental to the child at ANY level, and have no olbigation to allow that visitation, then you need to STOP allowing that visitation and make grandma prove to the court that such visitation is in the child's best interest. But given that you know that she's trying to expose the child to the mother in direct opposition of a standing court order, if you continue to allow such contact, it could seriously create problems down the road. Being legally obligated by court order to provide grandma access to the child is one thing, but that doesn't exist right now. You'll be sending mixed messages to the court if on one hand you're allowing grandma ANY level of access, and then want the court to shoot down any request she might make for visitation.

    she is threatening to try to get visitation though.
    Let her threaten. She'll either get the matter before the court, or she won't. Until she actually HAS a visitation order in hand, she's hot air and granting her visitation willingly can only have the potential to set a dangrous precident. As you are the legal guardian, you have the absolute right (and responsibility) to allow or deny visitation as you see fit. If you feel grandma is a poor influence, then tell grandma, and anyone else, "no".

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    CT & IL
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    5,273

    Default Re: Emotionally Harmful Grandparents

    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    If grandma has no court order that grants her visitation with the child, then you have NO obligation to allow visitation. If you have reason to think that visitation with grandma is detremental to the child at ANY level, and have no olbigation to allow that visitation, then you need to STOP allowing that visitation and make grandma prove to the court that such visitation is in the child's best interest. But given that you know that she's trying to expose the child to the mother in direct opposition of a standing court order, if you continue to allow such contact, it could seriously create problems down the road. Being legally obligated by court order to provide grandma access to the child is one thing, but that doesn't exist right now. You'll be sending mixed messages to the court if on one hand you're allowing grandma ANY level of access, and then want the court to shoot down any request she might make for visitation.



    Let her threaten. She'll either get the matter before the court, or she won't. Until she actually HAS a visitation order in hand, she's hot air and granting her visitation willingly can only have the potential to set a dangrous precident. As you are the legal guardian, you have the absolute right (and responsibility) to allow or deny visitation as you see fit. If you feel grandma is a poor influence, then tell grandma, and anyone else, "no".
    Chance of grandma getting court ordered visitation: about zero .......

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Woodsville, New Hampshire, United States
    Posts
    14

    Default Re: Emotionally Harmful Grandparents

    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    If grandma has no court order that grants her visitation with the child, then you have NO obligation to allow visitation. If you have reason to think that visitation with grandma is detremental to the child at ANY level, and have no olbigation to allow that visitation, then you need to STOP allowing that visitation and make grandma prove to the court that such visitation is in the child's best interest. But given that you know that she's trying to expose the child to the mother in direct opposition of a standing court order, if you continue to allow such contact, it could seriously create problems down the road. Being legally obligated by court order to provide grandma access to the child is one thing, but that doesn't exist right now. You'll be sending mixed messages to the court if on one hand you're allowing grandma ANY level of access, and then want the court to shoot down any request she might make for visitation.


    Let her threaten. She'll either get the matter before the court, or she won't. Until she actually HAS a visitation order in hand, she's hot air and granting her visitation willingly can only have the potential to set a dangrous precident. As you are the legal



    guardian, you have the absolute right (and responsibility) to allow or deny visitation as you see fit. If you feel grandma is a poor influence, then tell grandma, and anyone else, "no".



    Thank you for your advice. I will be sure to keep her as my first responsibility and protect her from whatever harms I can.

    I'm really curious as to your take on this.

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