Straight-forward applications can often be done DIY.
However the straight-forward answer to your case is YOU ARE NOT ELIGIBLE.
This is why you need someone who knows what they are doing.

I am not a lawyer...I'm not an immigration expert. I can tell you with a criminal history and other snags you need someone who knows the system. You're characterization of immigration attorney's is poor. I deal with a lot of H1B and other non-citizen employees in my job and I can tell you our lawyer has been more than helpful. Even our non-immigration counsel defers to them.

As I said, if you don't want to listen here at least pop over to the Immigration group on the other legal site which is frequented by both attorneys and others who are more familiar with the issues.