Irrelevant.
Irrelevant if Dad didn't do anything about it then.
• She and the children have moved residences six times in the past two years. HRS was called on her (not by us) due to the living conditions of one of the six places (she stayed there two of the six times).
[quote]
• She has a suspended driver’s license even though she drives on a daily basis. Despite all this she claims she cannot meet us halfway (two counties apart, the transfer times don’t always line up on a workday).[quote]
She'll eventually get pulled over. If Dad hasn't done anything about it - in other words, he has "allowed" her to continue transporting the kids wherever even though he knows she has a suspended license, he's basically condoning it.
• She and the kids are on Medicaid.
• She cannot keep a job. All jobs I’ve known her to be on are minimum wage.
She's not legally required to have a job.
• We are very unsure of her whereabouts any given day. She has several different contact numbers, but they are usually out of service. If there were an emergency it would be a pure miracle we’d get in touch with her in a timely manner.
She is under absolutely NO obligation whatsoever to keep Dad (and especially you) informed of her daily whereabouts.
• Every now and then she’ll open up to me or my husband (why, I DON’T KNOW). She claims she’s back with the man she just left just so she can keep the kids warm during the winter. She said the kids were freezing at the previous place and there was too much drama. The place is literally a junkyard/pig sty. She also claimed he grows marijuana, just doesn’t want the kids to be around it. I’m trying to see if the man has a domestic violence charge. I believe he’s had restraining orders.
Not really going to make a difference unless Dad can show that the kids are in danger.
• The newest development seems to be she is opting to just let us have the son for Christmas and New Years since she is spending the holidays with the co-habitant. She is unsure when she will return from her trip with her co-habitant/current boyfriend/friend with benefits (?). She used to be very stubborn about having the son for the holidays. Apparently all the kids are going to their fathers for the holiday. We had the son all of this past Thanksgiving week. Our Thanksgiving was marred because she couldn’t be found leading up to the holiday. We called each day leading up to it trying to coordinate only for her to call us noon that day and want him back that evening. She was very spiteful upon his return and made it clear we might not get him for two solid weeks… only to get called to pick up the son the day after Thanksgiving (which we did).
She may feel that you're interfering too much - as a practical and legal matter, this really between Mom and Dad - not you.
• The son is on medication and the dose changes every few weeks. She refuses to indulge too much into to doctor’s visits, we usually don’t know about an appointment until the day of or after the fact. She’s also taken the son to the doctor for mysterious issues they cannot diagnose.
So what is Dad doing about this?
Be careful. You're coming close to overstepping your role as stepparent.
• The son has anger management problems with her and excitable moments at school. The school is to the point of suggesting therapy. He has good grades at school. He has no anger problems with us. If he does get mad/depressed/ sad, I talk with him about it and he’s a cheery child again. His teacher is even telling me to keep up whatever I have been doing with him. He will bring toys to our house and says he wants to keep them with us.
Is the child in counseling?
• Have witness at least once where the mother told the child his father lied to him when it was a misunderstanding. (A pickup being sometime after school, not as soon as he got home). I had to play mediator that day because she would not pick up the phone and I don’t think she recognized my number when I did get through. This incident has prompted an absolute pickup time on a certain day unless scheduled otherwise.
Irrelevant.
• She’s informed us of the not coming over for the weekend (for whatever reason with or without an attitude), we make our own plans, and then she’d call and say we need to pick up the son. Remember: two counties apart.
Irrelevant.
Irrelevant.
• She has gotten government provided tutoring assistance for him without taking into consideration of the family dynamics (her living accommodations and our house).
Irrelevant.
• My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years, but married almost 1 year.
• I own our home
Irrelevant.
Even more irrelevant than the rest of the stuff here - hon, Dad shouldn't even go there.
• We attend church and Sunday school regularly
WHOA. This is NOT your role. YOU are not the parent - frankly I can understand why Mom might be being a little difficult.
• We pay for his school field trips. I email his teacher pretty much weekly to check up on him or drop things off with his teacher as required.
• We sign him up for extracurricular sports and maintain schedule best we can.
And does Mom agree with this? Why are YOU doing anything?
With these facts in mind, do we have a case for full custody? Should her and my husband agree to a planned parenting schedule, first? Or are we just opening up a can of worms? I have been keeping record of everything. Some things I don’t have hard evidence of, but it is a known fact that I am sure she would not admit to. My husband stated the judge was real hard on him during the initial child support order and he is hesitant to go back to court, especially if there is a chance he gets the same judge. Due to my income, we do not qualify for cheaper legal assistance. We still have to save up a few more months for a retainer. Her on the other hand, single mom, no job and three kids… the state will help her to no end. I do fear that her living conditions and routines shall be detrimental to the son’s continued growth and education.
Thanks in advance.
What has CHANGED in the child's circumstances?
Most - if not all - of what you're listing here is irrelevant. Because Mom has custody at the moment, Dad is no longer on an equal footing in terms of custody; it is no longer about proving "best interest". If Dad wants things to change he's going to have to show that change in circumstance.
I do not see a case here.
The next part - well, I'm also a stepparent. I'm really not wanting to be harsh, and I'm going to say this as gently as I can. It is not meant to offend you, ok?
You are FAR too involved in your husband's legal matter and, possibly, coming very close to usurping Mom's role. This can seriously backfire on your husband. It's very difficult trying to find the balance between supporting your husband and stepchild, and overstepping. You are coming across as getting very close to that line. I've actually been there and done it - in fact I was far worse and almost caused my then-partner to lose visitation with his kids. So please, take this as a gentle warning.
Let Dad handle his ex, his son and his legal matters. Don't do what I almost did.
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