My question involves criminal law for the state of: NJ

A few weeks ago I had my wife arrested for simple assault. In the months leading up to this she has destroyed several thousand dollars worth of our possesions and had been extremely vulgar and verbally abusive, multipletimes, towards me in front of them. I had warned her of being violent/destructive, particularly in front of our children. After pleading with her for years ,I felt, on that day, that calling the police was my only option for protecting my children from these violent outbreaks without getting a divorce. I believed that, faced with the possibility of losing her children and home and husband..she would finally cut it out. That seems to have worked, but I do not want her to have a permanent record. She is going to a therapist and she is a very loving mother. She just has some serious anger/ rage issues. The problem is, even if I don't press charges, the state can still convict her. As the main bread winner in the family, I now have to pay for an attorney to defend her? We are very broke and it seems to me that this is kind of like punishing the victim. Can't this be reduced to something that is not going to be on her permanent recor?. I read that if the assault resulted from a "Mutual fight" that it could be reduced to a petty disorderly persons offense and that this does not carry with it a permanent record. What I don't understand is the definition of "Mutual fight" . Does this mean a physical mutual fight or just verbal?;because the latter was the case. We were arguing, about something I had told her I did not want to discuss in front of the kids. I was wrong to engage in the argument, but was pushed over and over. I basically could not get ready for work because she kept badgering me over it, in front of the kids. When I finally raised my voice, she hit me and became ultra-verbally abusive. So....if we were verbally arguing, can we have this reduced?