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  1. #1

    Default Lunch Visitation on My Days

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Ohio

    Don't get wrapped up in my wording ("my" days...) it's the only way I can describe it.

    Anyway, I am a few weeks away from a court hearing with a 99% chance outcome of me being given full custody because of some pretty serious issues/abuse on her side. Right now we have 50/50 shared parenting. Weekdays, I have them wed-fri. Both children have nutritional issues and are literally only (not exaggerating) fed "chicken nuggets" while under her care because they are quick and easy to make for the kids. I have them on a special diet of healthy food for all meals, including the lunch I pack for them. While the school lunches may be sufficient, their doctor recommended I pack them a healthier lunch. I also understand that when they are not in my care, I don't have much say in what goes on good or bad so I do my best to keep them healthy when I do have a say of what goes on.

    My problem/question is that she is now frequently coming up to see them at lunch at school on days that I am supposed have them and I feel that it is STRONGLY taking away from my parenting time. Yes, I realize that they are at school, and at face value, it doesn't look like it would do any harm. She either buys them junk food (today it was mcdonalds) or buys them a school lunch and throws the ones I made in the gabage. My decree does not specifically talk about school lunches, but is it completely off the wall to believe that when I am awarded certain days that I should receive uninterrupted parenting time? They are always free to call her. They were upset today because they thought I would be mad at them because "mom made us throw out our lunches and eat mcdonalds". I do not go to lunch or even see them at any point on days where she is supposed to have parenting time.

    Do I have a leg to stand on here? I was going to start with writing her a letter asking (nicely) that she not visit them on days that are designated as mine. I guarantee she won't abide by it. This is kind of a new problem and I'd appreciate any tips or thoughts you guys might have. I kind of relate it to... lets say she leaves them with her parents if she has something else to do. If she can hang out with them during school, I should be able to go hang out with her at her parents, right? I mean I would never do that, but I'm suppose to have a certain amount of time to try to positively influence and "parent" them. Just because I am at work while they are at school doesn't mean she can jump in, right? (decree, again, doesn't address this)

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Lunch Visitation on My Days

    As long as the kids are not medically malnourished, there's really nothing "illegal" about what Mom is doing. She can indeed turn up at school for lunch and take them to McDonald's - even on your days.

    You said yourself that you're at work; your parenting time is not really being interrupted.

    I'm not sure this is the hill I'd want to die on. And comparing it to hanging with the kids' grandparents isn't quite the same thing.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Lunch Visitation on My Days

    In my opinion, it is absolutely being interrupted. So anytime I am not literally with them, she can come in and take over? This isn't an occasional, once a month thing. Either her or her parents do this all the time.
    So even though there is no right of first refusal in the decree, she can just show up during school? How is school different than her going out for an hour and leaving the kids with someone. Can I come by, throw out their dinner, and bring them a whole bunch of candy during their dinner time if she is not physically with them?

    (not trying to be snippy, I'm just trying to understand how this is okay and how her taking away my parenting influence during days I am supposed to have them is okay)

    Let me flip this around.

    At work, I can change my schedule around so that I can be at lunch with them on "her" days. Not that I would EVER do this. But from your logic, it's okay. Let's also pretend that she actually makes them lunches. (Before I filled up their school account with money for buying milk (and they use it to buy lunch on her 2 school days), I was dropping a lunch at school for them every morning, including her days because if I did not, she would not take any responsibility in feeding them or taking care of keeping the school account up to date)

    Anyway, what if I show up every monday and tuesday, throw her food in the garbage and bring unhealthy crap for them to eat.

    edit: Also, I could probably get a note from the doctor if I absolutely had to and took it to court. They have documented nutrition and growing problems.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Lunch Visitation on My Days

    Quote Quoting jsmith2
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    In my opinion, it is absolutely being interrupted. So anytime I am not literally with them, she can come in and take over? This isn't an occasional, once a month thing. Either her or her parents do this all the time.

    Seriously, your parenting time is not being interrupted. It would be considered the same as, for example, you turning up to the kids' soccer game while it's Mom's time.



    So even though there is no right of first refusal in the decree, she can just show up during school? How is school different than her going out for an hour and leaving the kids with someone. Can I come by, throw out their dinner, and bring them a whole bunch of candy during their dinner time if she is not physically with them?
    ROFR isn't the issue. See my previous example.


    (not trying to be snippy, I'm just trying to understand how this is okay and how her taking away my parenting influence during days I am supposed to have them is okay)

    Let me flip this around.

    At work, I can change my schedule around so that I can be at lunch with them on "her" days. Not that I would EVER do this. But from your logic, it's okay. Let's also pretend that she actually makes them lunches. (Before I filled up their school account with money for buying milk (and they use it to buy lunch on her 2 school days), I was dropping a lunch at school for them every morning, including her days because if I did not, she would not take any responsibility in feeding them or taking care of keeping the school account up to date)

    Anyway, what if I show up every monday and tuesday, throw her food in the garbage and bring unhealthy crap for them to eat.

    edit: Also, I could probably get a note from the doctor if I absolutely had to and took it to court. They have documented nutrition and growing problems.

    Please specify what type of nutritional problems are documented and when they began. There is a reason I'm asking...

  5. #5

    Default Re: Lunch Visitation on My Days

    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
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    Seriously, your parenting time is not being interrupted. It would be considered the same as, for example, you turning up to the kids' soccer game while it's Mom's time.
    A soccer game would be pretty much non-interactive, totally unlike the situation I described. And to be honest, I wouldn't really have a problem if their mom wanted to stop by the school for lunch every so often. But that isn't the case here. She or her mother is coming in, tossing out the lunch I made for them specifically to address nutritional issues, and upsetting the kids.

    (edit: Yes, upsetting the kids. Yesterday they came home crying because they thought I would be mad at them for not eating their lunch)


    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
    View Post
    Please specify what type of nutritional problems are documented and when they began. There is a reason I'm asking...
    They were both born very small. While outside of my care, they were given sugary drinks constantly and literally not fed anything but chicken nuggets. As a result, they have SEVERE (and I mean SEVERE) dental problems that required me sending many letters to the point of threatening legal action. Teeth are all fixed up now and they are old enough to brush themselves while at their moms so things have improved greatly. I'm not saying that caused the height/weight issues, but both of them are in the VERY low percentile for height/weight. The doctor told me what types of food I should concentrate on, what kind of vitamins to give them and same with drinks. (whole milk only while at home, etc, etc...) But I don't want to dwell on that. My point isn't that she should not be going to lunch with them ever on my days, but more...there is a line. Every day and this throw away my lunch garbage will not fly.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Lunch Visitation on My Days

    There was a reason for my question. You raised the issue of nutritional deficiencies; if the children had specific diagnoses requiring specific medical treatment and dietary requirements, you may have had a point about Mom feeding them junk food. That does not appear to be the case, given that you've said both children were born very small to begin with....and I'm sure if there was a firm diagnosis you would have mentioned it. Being in the lower percentile of their age group does not necessarily indicate there is a medical issue.

    Bottom line is that no matter how much you dislike it, Mom is legally allowed to visit the kids during the school lunch break. Even during "your" days.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Lunch Visitation on My Days

    Agree. No judge is going to tell a parent that they can't visit at school, particularly when (a) the school doesn't object, and (b) it in no way compromises your actual time with the children. In fact, if you were to take this objection before a judge, I'd be prepared for the judge to say some VERY unkind things.

    The reality of the situation is that courts can't fix all matters, and you've had a child with a mother who has very different parenting philisophies than you have. Ultimately, unless those philosophies can be SHOWN to be medically neglectful (not just "bad for their teeth"), the court's can't and won't address such issues. In short, parents are allowed to be bad parents, crappy parents, and make bad decisions as parents - so long as that bad parenting and poor decision making doesn't present an IMMEDIATE DANGER to the children. They're allowed to feed their kids candy with every meal, even to the point where there is massive tooth decay, to let them stay up late, to not wash behind their ears, and to feed them fast food even when better choices are available already sitting on the table in front of them. Now if you want to raise the issue that the massive tooth decay has resulted in some issue with medical ramifications, and no care has been provided to address pain and suffering the child may be experiencing as a result, you may have an avenue. But if you're the custodial parent, the court is likely to find that to be your responsibility. Sucks that mom gets to feed them candy and rot their teeth, only to have you have to deal with it, but that's the nature of parenting and the court can't fix that you chose her as the mother at these levels. It may not be fair, but it is what it is.

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