Can You Enforce Changes Made to a Parenting Plan, Not Made Through Court

[newstepmom]

Hello all!

My ex-husband and I made changes to our parenting plan over two years ago. We did not go to court to change things, we just went with what was easier on the kids. However, for the last two years, every time he is upset with me he threatens me with going back to the old parenting plan. Would a judge listen to this as an argument, or say the entire plan had to be changed?

[Dogmatique]

My advice is to go back to court and get the parenting plan changed to reflect the current status quo that you've both apparently been fine with.

Dad will have little chance at objecting since he IS ok with it.

That way, you're both protected if one of you gets peeved with the other.

Court orders are your friend!

[newstepmom]

Thank you for the advise. You know, I have never kept anything from the kids. Some tell me it's wrong. Knowing the relationship I have and have always had with my kids, I know that communication has always been what keeps us grounded, and strong. I don't tell them any gory details, but yes I do ask them if they have any issues with me, their dad, their stepdad, their stepmom, and we always try to get it straight in our own heads that we cannot change others, only ourselves.

I don't have a real problem with the ncp, other than the fact that he talks down to me, (very disrespectfully) and when he wants to change something on his weekend, he lets me know whats gonna happen, and how and when. No discussion, no polite "do you mind?", it's always "this is how it is". I try my best to be a good parent, day in, day out. And having to hear the bs from him just leaves me angry, every time I have to see or talk to him. He manipulates me and intimidates me and makes me feel guilty for him living two states away!

Anyway, every time I through a fit and tell him to stop ordering me around, and being disrespectful, it turns into a, "I'll see you in court". And I'll be damned if everytime he doesn't lie through his teeth and make it sound like I'm jeopordizing the kids!!

Do ya'll think I'm jeopordizing my children by telling their father not to disrespect me?

[Dogmatique]

I think you're more in danger of jeopardizing them by actually discussing the adult matters with them. Every kid will have issues with at least one parent at some point in their lives; it's the parent's job to teach them how to deal with those issues themselves. Kids will also often manipulate divorced parents to the Nth degree and frankly if they perceive one parent to be encouraging them to "share" any issues they have with the other parent you will often find that such issues - once imaginary or non-existent - suddenly materialize. It puts the kid in control and gives them leverage they shouldn't have.

See what I'm saying?

With regards to the ex himself stop throwing fits and feeding into his controlling behavior - that's what controlling people want. They want a reaction. They want to see that they are still controlling YOUR emotions.

Don't engage him. If he orders you around, you smile sweetly and say "I realize that's your opinion, but this is what I am going to do".

Stand your ground calmly and kill 'em with kindness.

It works wonders

[newstepmom]

I do see what you mean. I agree, it's just hard to do sometimes. I'm a cancer, I have a guilty nature, and I am scared to death of losing my children. My whole family tells me I need to get over that, it's been over 5 years, i will not lose my babies. I work hard, I am a good mom, and all is well within our family. It's just my own hangups, that makes it hard to deal with him!!

Thanks