What Can I Do if Ex Destroys Gifts to Child

[525601minutes]

Okay - so I just saw this episode of Judge Judy (pause for the legal professionals here to sigh deeply and shake their heads) and a father had given a phone to an 18 year old who was living in the home of the mother. The mother asked the 18 year old repeatedly to clean her room. After the 3rd request the mother took the phone away as punishment. Said the daughter could have the phone back when her chores were finished. The father had a fit and went to the home to either give the phone back to the daughter or take it back for himself (I'm hazy on that part).

Let me tell you - Judge Judy let the father HAVE IT. She was furious that the father was trying to intervene on the mother disciplining the daughter. Because it was the mother's house and even though the 'child' was over 18 the judge was adamant that the mother could take away the phone regardless of who paid for it.

I hate to say your son is in the same situation. While he is living with the father the father can control the son's access to these 'gifts'. Does your court order say that you have 'unlimited telephone access' to your son. If not you might want to consider getting the order modified so you can call the father's house and speak to the boy on a land line when/if the cell phone is taken away again.

[NotCrazyYet]

I have no problem with his dad taking away privileges or 'stuff'. I did that all the time. It seems like there was always a gameboy or a lego toy in quarantine on top of the fridge. That's parenting. That's not what is going on here. His dad takes his stuff and uses it for himself, smashes it if he wants to upset my son or me (though I never let him see me freak out), or he gives it to someone else, permanently. For example, two years ago, I gave my son a beginning guitar kit (discussed it with the ex first) for Chirstmas. Once it got to my ex's house, his dad took it for himself and wouldn't let my son use it. One day, when he was having trouble tuning it, he just smashed it.

I am supposed to have unrestricted access to my son through whatever means I want, snail mail, phone, email, etc...but the ex doesn't care. Several times in the past year I have resorted to having the school counselor call him into the office so I could talk to him. This is all standard fare with my ex. I really don't want to go back to having court prescribed times of the day when I can call. That was a nightmare, and only made the "he said-she said" stuff worse.

I don't want to get too far off track, but I guess the destruction of the things is what bother's me most. It's abusive and I wish there was a way I could stop it from happening. In the big picture, the incidents of physical abuse are much more important. (Which I did report, and ex knows I will continue to do.)

I'll check back in a couple of days. I have my son with me now, so I am going to go enjoy my time with him!

[aardvarc]

Neither you nor the courts can do anything to prevent actions that someone is willing to take. That's why we domestic violence advocates are constantly telling people that restraining orders are only a piece of paper. They're not a magic shield, they won't stop someone from doing something if that's what they want to do. The only thing a court order accomplishes, whether a restraining order, a custody order, or any other type of order, is to put the person on notice that violation of the order CAN (not WILL but CAN) carry consequences. For restraining orders, violation typically involves arrest on a charge of contempt of court. For custody orders, it's a bit different. At some point, some judge somewhere determined that the child was better off being with the parent he's with. So if that parent violates the order, the court isn't going to "punish" the CHILD by taking some action like taking the child away or imposing much in the way of punishment on the child's caretaker - the judge is going to tell the offending parent to cut it out - and probably MULTIPLE (if not dozens of) times. If the factors that led the court to place the child with that parent as opposed to the other still exist, then change isn't likely, no matter how much of a jacktard the parent may be (remember, in the wide lens, this parent already HAS been approved as a parent as far as the court is concerned. So no, realistically, unless dad's behavior crosses the line into criminal behavior that results in arrest, injury to the child, or at the very least something that CPS would substantiate as dangerous, resulting in either jail for dad or removal of the child from the home, there's no prevention other than dad deciding his behavior isn't kosher and changing it willingly.

[distressedmom]

I think everyone will agree that no one can change the behavior.

If you still want to give something to your child, why not consider setting up some sort of college fund? Instead of buying gifts that are destroyed, put that money into a fund. When the child is of legal age he/she will have something of substance.
The OP cannot destroy a bank account that you've set up for the child. The account can be set up in the child's name with you as the co-owner.

[EA1970]

One final thought: You are likely only hearing your son's side of it, and that may very well be skewed. He may be telling you something that's completely inaccurate re: why these things are being taken away / how his dad is using them, simply to win sympathy. Grass is always greener type of thing.

If you know that dad is going to ultimately take away these items, quit buying them.

Also, the court may view your actions as obstructive and deliberate interference with respect to dad's custodial parenting.

I'd back off and quit buying the items since doing so seems to be futile anyhow.

[NotCrazyYet]

I want to set something straight. I agreed to exchange custody with my ex. There wasn't a custody battle, and no judge ordered that we exchange custody. Things were going very well (at least I thought they were) three years ago with my ex, and my son really seemed to thrive when he was there. He was having a hard time at school in Florida, and he wanted to try living with his dad. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought his dad had worked hard to better himself and get help for his anger issues. I was wrong, and now I regret my decision to exchange custody with his dad.

This gift/stuff destroying thing is really hard for me. I want to feel like I am providing not just the things my son needs, but the occaisional nice thing as well. I guess I'll continue to provide the things the ex won't destroy, like clothes, shoes and activity fees. I'm going to have to explain to my son that for now, I am not going to buy things that are likely to bother his dad.

Thanks for hearing me out, all of you. I appreciate hearing from people who've been there and done that.