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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    2

    Question Concerned About the Way Step-Mom Treats My Children

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of Texas. I have full custody of my children; their father has liberal visitation rights. He does pay support.

    My ex-husband just got married to a woman he has lived with for somewhat over a year. During that year I have observed first hand while we are at social functions that she is very rude and very unkind to my three children. She isn't all that nice to her own children (13 & 11) whom she voluntarily relinquished custody of to their step-father, or any children for that matter. My ex tells me it's her nerves, and that she can't help the way she treats children because that was they way she was raised, and the only thing she knows. I need to be more compassionate towards her, I'm told. She is particularly hard on my youngest son, a 12 year old with Asperger's/HLF Autism, some brain damage and PTSD issues. (I divorced his Dad because Dad was harming me and the children. I didn't report it like I should have, just got the kids away from him, and got divorced. I honestly thought that would be enough.) As examples, when my son attempts to approach his father, she will either send or even shove him away, and tell him to go sit with me. When he has tried to hug her, she pushes him away. My older two children (18 y-o son and 16 y-o daughter) tell me that she "bad mouths" me constantly, and that when they are there, they are treated to a running dialogue of why I'm a bad mother, and their step-father (my husband of just over a year) is a bad or weak step-father. We have in the past all attended a regular monthly social event that we all attended before my ex and I divorced. However, I have noted that the closer we got to their marriage date, (and the more sternly the state has pursued child support on the children's behalf,) the worse her behavior toward my children has gotten. She refers to them as "that woman's child(ren)", but has no qualms about shouting at them across the building, or shouting "you get your a__ " here or there. I do not shout like that at my children, and would tolerate it from no one else. Frankly, one of my children's grandparents treated them with much the same rude, unkind, disrespectful habits, and I refused to allow her to visit my children, except on Holidays, and if she got out of hand, I simply took my children and left.

    Perhaps I'm "namby-pamby" but I believe in treating my children with civility and respect, as I expect them to treat me with civility and respect. Most of the time we all do OK with that. Make no mistake, I expect my children to obey me, and behave properly, but I do not believe that I need to shame or embarrass my children, or demean their dignity to accomplish compliance. When they need to be corrected, they are corrected in private, and their discipline is kept private as much as possible. It's worked for 18+ years now, and I have two nearly-grown children with confidence, that are polite and respectful to others.

    My children's father will do nothing to curb his wife's behavior, he simply makes excuses. If the children stand up to her, as the older two are prone to do especially for their younger brother, she comes up with reasons why she and their dad just don't have time to see the kids while he's in town (he's an OTR Trucker, so he's only in town four to six days a month.) It would seem, however, that now that she is legally married to their Dad, she feels it is her role or "place" or right to correct them, in particular my youngest son. She believes, I'm told, that my husband and I are weak, wishy-washy parents, that we don't control the children of our house hold (he has custody of three of his four), and that she is not going to tolerate my children treating her the way they treat me. She's going to basically show me how its done. I will tell you I have no objections to the way my children treat me. They are wonderful people, and I enjoy their company, and I'm very proud of the responsible people they're growing into. My son with Asperger's/HLF is a wonderful kid, and if one takes the time to learn how to interact with him, it's hard to tell he is Autistic at all. Her shouting and swearing and general rudeness, and disrespect is extremely difficult for him--it upsets the rules he understands we are supposed to live by, and Autistic children need the world to have rules and parameters they can understand to be able to function. If someone breaks the rules, he does OK right at first. But it doesn't take long and we have one of two responses. He either curls up in a ball and shouts "NO NO NO" or he starts bawling and banging his head and body off whatever is handy. Her response to this is to tell him to just stop it, to "shut that up and stop faking it!" (She has told the children that there is nothing wrong with him, I'm just making it up to get sympathy, in spite of a series of diagnoses from several reputable doctors.)

    I have attempted to address this first to my ex-husband, who makes excuses for her. I attempted to approach her directly with my concerns, but I was effectively blown off. (Smiled at, told what I wanted to hear, and ignored.) I need to know if there is anything legally I can do to protect my children and limit her access to them? My oldest, 18 y-o son makes his own choices about whether or not he will see Dad or his new wife. My daughter, at 16, can certainly hold her own, not that she should have to tolerate this treatment to be with her father, but his now-wife of not quite a week, does not allow him the use of her car so he can see the children while she is at work; and he won't stand up to her as he has suffered the consequences of that already. (No nookie, you see which I really didn't want to know about his relationship and I wish he had kept it to himself.) I am concerned for my daughter, but Dad does not force her to visit if she does not want to. She chooses to put up with being mistreated so she can see her father which frustrates me in ways I cannot even describe My youngest son usually chooses not to visit at Dad's because she is there and he doesn't want to see her. Exceptions are when my 18 y-o is taking the family car to drive them over there. My oldest will simply take them and leave if she gets too out of hand. So, his contact with Dad is limited to these monthly events we all attend, and she has no restraint in being unkind to him there. My solution should be simple. Don't take him to those events, done deal. However, she has been making noises as their marriage date approached that she believes the children's father should bring them over to her and let her have her input and effect on them, more or less to show me how it's done. The idea that she feels a need to prove her superiority as a mother over me doesn't disturb me, I don't have to be a better mother than her or anyone else, I just have to be a better mother today than I was yesterday, and do that every day. I have nothing to prove. My concern is primarily about how she will treat them, especially my youngest, if they are forced to be in her control for any length of time. Will her need to prove herself a superior mother over me, compel her to even more harmful treatment of my children?

    So, how do I legally limit her access to my children, or is there a way to? Thank you in advance.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Minneapolis/St. Paul area
    Posts
    497

    Default Re: TEXAS: Concerned About the Way Step-Mom Treats My Chidlren

    I don't know much about Asperger's/HLF, but I assume that you have a treatment plan of some sort. Perhaps you can have it court ordered that all four parents (for the sake of neutrality) attend a seminar regarding your child's treatment plan and then sign an agreement to abide by that plan. You may be able to educate step-mom, which may help. If she then refuses, your court order may contain certain consequences that you can enforce (like dad visits his children solo).

    Also, if you do intend to pursue this in court, you would be well advised to get supporting recommendations from your child's teachers, doctors, and other associated professionals. If any or all of them will say that step-mom's current treatment and behavior is detrimental, it will really help your argument.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    2

    Default Re: TEXAS: Concerned About the Way Step-Mom Treats My Chidlren

    I hate the thought of going to court. I do not have, and can't afford an attorney. I did my divorce pro se. I wrote my decree, which is why I have full custody, rather than joint custody.

    I am my son's teacher--he and the other four school aged chidlren are homeschooled. My testimony would be absolutely biased, and not really useable, I'm afraid.

    My son's treatment plan came to a halt when it came to rubber-meets-road with Medicaid. My ex does not provide insurance, and we are working on getting medicaid going again. All the children were removed from it during a period where there was a chang in custody with one of my husband's children, and our income was called into question. (My husband is a disabled Vet, which grants the children eligibility for Medicaid, but because of his ex-wife's income... it was a big mess, and we don't know when it will be sorted out because of the other parents' income.) We know how to work with him here, and we are teaching him how to interact with the outside world. He was only diagnosed a year ago. Before that he had been shuffled from one doctor to another with "I don't know what's wrong, its not ADHD, but do you want some Ritalin anyway?" My answer was "no".

    I have to admit that I wish this woman were more like my first husband's wife. My 18 y-o was raised from toddlerhood with my second husband. But through it all, my first ex's wife has been a sweet woman, who has been close and I have welcomed her input and sharing in not only my oldest son's life, but all three of them. Their son is like a nephew to me, and I love him dearly. We get together several times a year to picnic and visit and just have a good time.

    Ah well, if wishes were horses....

    I will do some looking into this option of having something "official" put down to facilitate a better understanding on all our parts, and hopefully that would help.

    Any other suggestions??

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    424

    Default Re: Concerned About the Way Step-Mom Treats My Children

    Your children absolutely do not have to visit her. If dad is not forcing them to visit, then the solution seems obvious.

    1) If there are times when dad is home and she is at work, either you or your oldest pick up dad or drop off the kids to visit, and retrieve them before she gets home.

    2) At these social events, teach your son to stay near you or your older children and if she starts yelling just calming tell her. "Please stop speaking to my children in that manner." and take your child and walk away.

    I have two children with Autism and they have a hard time with people like that as well. Will he understand an explanation that she has some problems with social skills and that he is right that she is not being polite but since she is a grown-up he can't correct her? And then give him a "script" for what to do when she acts like that - either come to your side or whatever you think will work best?

    If these social events have a leader or coordinator (pastor??), maybe she/he could talk to her about her behavior? If she can understand that others find her behavior unbecoming, she will stop?

    (She has no more legal rights to your children as their step-mother than she did as dad's girlfriend.)

  5. #5

    Default Re: Concerned About the Way Step-Mom Treats My Children

    was there ever a parenting plan derived? If so, read through it thoroughly again, there may be something in there about mutal respect. Mutal respect is in mine and it states that the parents will not say, or knowing allow another person to say anything that would take the child's respect and love away from the other parents. If so, yes court is expensive, but it is contempt of court. Especially because your ex husband makes excuses for her.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Concerned About the Way Step-Mom Treats My Children

    distressedlady, I know what you're saying. And that's not uncommon.

    But good luck having that enforced. Seriously.

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