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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Somewhere on East Coast
    Posts
    10

    Unhappy Boyfriend's Second Domestic Violence Charge - Testifying

    Ok- this is a really complicated issue and I am torn between the truth and keeping someone I care for out of jail- Jan 2010- my bf and I got into a HUGE verbal dispute about him using steroids and he ended up choking me and throwing me unconscious into the floor..when I was out he kicked me in the ribs and broke three of them. I was treated and released from the hospital. He was arrested and placed on probation and anger management. He was doing alot better and kicked the steroids.Well last week, after a long day at work and an excrutiating dental procedure, I went to bed early. He got upset that I was sleeping and began to verbally abuse me like he had never done before. I am sure he is back on the steroids..I had enough and ordered him to leave. We argued from my bedroom to my kitchen where I went to grab my phone and stated I was going to call the cops b/c I was scared of what he may do. He went for my cell and we got into a scuffle on the floor, I stood up and he grabbed the back of my hair and choked me until I saw stars.*** and threw me against my granite counter. I asked again for him to leave and he refused so I grabbed my work cell and called the police dept (not 911) and requested that they escort him out. He couldnt believe that I did that b/c he was on probation!! He ran and the cops caught him up the street (I live 2 blocks from the police dept!)..
    Ok so here's my conflict- I know he screwed up and is facing jail time for probation violation & 2nd DV charge in less than 5 months. We aren't together but do talk frequently... he is trying to lay a guilt trip on me by saying his fate "lays in my hands"..and he will lose everything if he gets jail time. He pretty much wants me to go to court and change the story a bit and make it look like I gave the cops false information (that he didnt touch me).. I'm sorry but I am a christian and don't like lying... plus I know that could cause me to be facing criminal charges for false report, right? I can't do that. I am a RN and cannot risk losing my licsences. I have children.. what advice would you give me? I am afraid that if he gets locked up that he will come after me when he gets out....but HE broke the law-that's not my fault. I feel the only way I can safely get away from this guy is to tell the truth even if he goes to jail... I'm scared. Please HELP.
    Advice would be appreciated.
    Thanks
    PJ in North Carolina

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Boyfriend's Second Domestic Violence Charge/Testifying

    You need to tell the truth. Seriously.

    Hon, please also seek counseling - you're a victim of abuse and you need help to deal with this. STOP allowing him to contact you. Stop the contact - now. ALL of it.

    Don't let there be another time - because next time your children could end up living their lives without a Mom.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Somewhere on East Coast
    Posts
    10

    Default Re: Boyfriend's Second Domestic Violence Charge/Testifying

    Thank you for your advice. I am currently going through a counseling/class at my church. I used to be a strong and independent woman who would never be found in a situation like this. Unfortunately, I have learned that abusers come in like a thief in the night and desolate your life without you seeing it happen. It's like I woke up one day and was knee deep in this drama.
    I will tell the truth...even it means he goes to jail.. I am responsible for MY actions, and cannot feel guilty for his choice to break the law.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Boyfriend's Second Domestic Violence Charge - Testifying

    He made this bed. He made these decisions. And until and unless he is held accountable, he'll keep making this bed....with you or with the NEXT woman he's willing to treat as his own personal punching bag.

    And truthfully, your testimony isn't really that important. The DA will be very certain to educate the jury that DV victims, in some 90% of cases, lie to protect their abusers (for a wide variety of reasons). Your injuries alone are enough, even if you never open your mouth, to put him away. So don't risk criminal charges against yourself...and all the nasty consequences to you, your financial future, and your children's future, by protecting someone willing to potentially kill you.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    9,096

    Default Re: Boyfriend's Second Domestic Violence Charge - Testifying

    One of the things an abuser will tell you is that it is YOUR fault that he is in this mess.

    That it wasn't HIS physical abuse but, rather, your insistence upon calling the police that is putting himself in the situation.

    This type of rationalization is as deadly to you as an arsenic colada.

    He has choked you TWICE to the level of unconsciousness. The next time he won't stop.

    Because he knows the next time will be it for him... so it will also be it for you.

    Get a restraining order and a no contact order immediately. Shouldn't be difficult to establish.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Boyfriend's Second Domestic Violence Charge - Testifying

    Just for a second, go back and read the earlier post about losing custody... Given the timeframe you describe here regarding a January 2010 incident involving hospital treatment and a May custody hearing where your ex got full custody, it appears reasonable that the January 2010 incident was a large factor in that case. Do not let this ***** destroy your visitation rights with your 6 year old (when he probably was a large factor in the change of custody already!) and jeopardize your custody of your young child (think CPS). If this guy really cared about what is best for you, he would have never put you in the situation to lose your 6 year old. Do not think about his feelings. Take care of you. To reiterate Dogmatique and expand a bit: I really suggest you get counseling from a mental health professional trained to deal with domestic violence victims in addition to going to your church class. Like you, I never thought an educated successful woman would be thrown onto her granite counters by her signifant other, but I was too, so it happens and your aren't alone. You can do this. I'll pray for you.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Somewhere on East Coast
    Posts
    10

    Default Re: Boyfriend's Second Domestic Violence Charge - Testifying

    Thank you for reading my post and for your encouraging words. The ex from Jan 2010 incident is out of the picture. He rarely comes around me and he is NOT allowed to come around my children. It's sad how one man can ruin your life... kind of like a tornado coming through and obliterating everything in its path in the blink of an eye. Sometimes you never see it coming. Thanks for the prayers and kindness.

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