Adoption By a Boyfriend Without Marrying

My question involves adoption law for the State of: Vermont

My girlfriend Slept with a guy who for annonimity puposes I will refer to as "shadow". She slept with Shadow a few times, then broke up with him. Me and my girlfriend got together a few weeks later. She then found out that she was pregnant. She went to the Dr.s, and the Dr. said that due to the day of her last period, the estimated date of conception was when she slept with shadow.

Her and shadow do not talk. My girlfriend and I stayed together the whole pregnancy, live together, and now the baby is 9 weeks old. My girlfriend, the baby and I live together as a happy family. Shadow expresses his desire to be a part of the child's life and he is now in jail, but will be getting out soon. No paternity test has been done. Shadow's name is not listed on the Birth Certificate. There is no name on the Birth Ceritificate as the father. just my girlfriend's name listed as the mother, and the baby has her last name.

My girlfriend is hesitant to marry, however we both want myself to adopt the baby. Is there anyway for me to adopt the baby without my girlfriend having to marry me? Or is the end result having to get married?

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Quoting Justin Matis

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My question involves adoption law for the State of: Vermont

My girlfriend Slept with a guy who for annonimity puposes I will refer to as "shadow". She slept with Shadow a few times, then broke up with him. Me and my girlfriend got together a few weeks later. She then found out that she was pregnant. She went to the Dr.s, and the Dr. said that due to the day of her last period, the estimated date of conception was when she slept with shadow.

Her and shadow do not talk. My girlfriend and I stayed together the whole pregnancy, live together, and now the baby is 9 weeks old. My girlfriend, the baby and I live together as a happy family. Shadow expresses his desire to be a part of the child's life and he is now in jail, but will be getting out soon. No paternity test has been done. Shadow's name is not listed on the Birth Certificate. There is no name on the Birth Ceritificate as the father. just my girlfriend's name listed as the mother, and the baby has her last name.

My girlfriend is hesitant to marry, however we both want myself to adopt the baby. Is there anyway for me to adopt the baby without my girlfriend having to marry me? Or is the end result having to get married?

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Generally you must marry Mom in order for you to go ahead with a step-parent adoption.

But you have a much bigger problem. IF you go ahead (and you'd generally want to be married for about a year), Dad will still need to be informed and will have the chance to contest the adoption; if he wants to be an active part of the child's life, your chances of adoption are incredibly slim.

What if we let ignorance play a role, and say we don't know who the father is.....just say she can't remember who she slept with? Can she say that it was a long weekend, and has no idea who it was, and would like me to adopt her? (assuming "shadow" doesn't find out, and try to stop it)

and if he does, is he legally allowed to just go to the court house and say "I slept with that girl, I think her baby is mine, I want a paternity test."??

you have already said "shadow" wants to be a part of the childs life so he must believe he is the father. He can simply file to establish paternity.

and no, unless your gf wants to argue she slept with nameless guys around the time of conception, she is going to have to name the possible father.

anything less if fraud and perjury: in other words: illegal.

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Shadow expresses his desire to be a part of the child's life and he is now in jail, but will be getting out soon.

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assuming "shadow" doesn't find out, and try to stop it

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even if you somehow get it done, if he is not notified, he can seek to have the adoption reversed and then when the crap hits the fan, you and mom are going to stink/


please tell me you are a troll and there really aren't people out there that would cheat and lie like this.

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Quoting jk

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you have already said "shadow" wants to be a part of the childs life so he must believe he is the father. He can simply file to establish paternity.

and no, unless your gf wants to argue she slept with nameless guys around the time of conception, she is going to have to name the possible father.

anything less if fraud and perjury: in other words: illegal.





even if you somehow get it done, if he is not notified, he can seek to have the adoption reversed and then when the crap hits the fan, you and mom are going to stink/


please tell me you are a troll and there really aren't people out there that would cheat and lie like this.

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Alas JK, this isn't uncommon.

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Quoting Justin Matis

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What if we let ignorance play a role, and say we don't know who the father is.....just say she can't remember who she slept with? Can she say that it was a long weekend, and has no idea who it was, and would like me to adopt her? (assuming "shadow" doesn't find out, and try to stop it)

and if he does, is he legally allowed to just go to the court house and say "I slept with that girl, I think her baby is mine, I want a paternity test."??

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Oh yes. Yes, he is. And he should.


You CANNOT adopt this child without - at the very least - notifying EVERY possible father.

But let me ask you something, please?

Why on earth wouldn't you want this child to know who his/her biological father is? How is that fair? How is that in the best interest of the child?

Addition:

If this goes to court and it is established that Mom and OP have lied, it is quite possible that not only will the adoption be overturned, but Mom will lose custody..to biodad.

THINK about this. Seriously.

Hey dude, is your GF's name Raline M...?

If so, please understand that using your real name for a screen name is not a good idea. Ask the moderator to allow you to change it.

well, no I'm not a troll, but "shadow" is a pedophile, and has a lengthy criminal record, and only wants to use his daughter to attract single vulnerable girls. The trolls are the people in the justice system who only see the case on paper and make decisions based on that possibly putting the child in a dangerous situation just to protect an otherwise not fit father's rights. I believe sometimes you have to sacrifice things for the greater good, and in this case a role of ignorance might save the child a traumatic experience down the road should she be put in harms way because the court thought it be fit that he had her simply cause he donated the sperm. Call me what you will, but I want the best for this child. And he is not! On a side note, i thought these forums were here for legal advice, not criticism, and judgement.

you got legal advice.

the criticism and judgement was tossed as an extra with no additional cost.

and your attempts to defraud the legal system are simply wrong. If the bio father is a danger to the child, there are laws and control in place to protect the child. Utilize the law, don't subvert it in the name of righteousness as you would be wrong in doing so.

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Quoting Justin Matis

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well, no I'm not a troll, but "shadow" is a pedophile, and has a lengthy criminal record, and only wants to use his daughter to attract single vulnerable girls.

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And is there proof of these allegations? You did not mention this perhaps critical issue in your first post. Why is that?

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The trolls are the people in the justice system who only see the case on paper and make decisions based on that possibly putting the child in a dangerous situation just to protect an otherwise not fit father's rights. I believe sometimes you have to sacrifice things for the greater good, and in this case a role of ignorance might save the child a traumatic experience down the road should she be put in harms way because the court thought it be fit that he had her simply cause he donated the sperm. Call me what you will, but I want the best for this child. And he is not! On a side note, i thought these forums were here for legal advice, not criticism, and judgement.

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NOTHING you have said has shown the man to be unfit.

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I received this via PM:

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Reason number one why it would not be in the best interest that he be involved in this child's life, 1) He is a pedophile. Never been charged with a crime involving an underage girl, but he has had multiple relationships with girls 15yrs old, and he is 28.

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You have gone way over the line here - if this man has not been charged, he is NOT a pedophile and you have just defamed him.

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He has a lengthy criminal record, and is in and out of jail.

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Does not mean he's unfit.

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And he doesn't show any legitimate signs or reasons that he wants to be a part of his daughter's life other than to use her to attract vulnerable single females.

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You do not know this.

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He is a liar, manipulator, and cheater.

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Does not mean he's unfit.

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I'm not asking to see what is morally, or ethically correct I know from where I stand that he is not fit. I would just like to know the laws on this subject, and how I would have to go about adopting my girlfriend's baby. If you know, and would like to tell me them. Please do.

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I already did.

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Quoting Justin Matis

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The trolls are the people in the justice system who only see the case on paper and make decisions based on that possibly putting the child in a dangerous situation just to protect an otherwise not fit father's rights.

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And what would you have the system use in order to make decisions? A ouija board? The system supposes that decent upstanding citizens who are aware of criminal activity, particularly criminal activity involving innocent children, will have made efforts to report to both law enforcement AND child protective services in an effort to protect the child from someone they feel is dangerous. THAT is what courts look at. If it's NOT on paper, it doesn't exist.

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I believe sometimes you have to sacrifice things for the greater good, and in this case a role of ignorance might save the child a traumatic experience down the road should she be put in harms way because the court thought it be fit that he had her simply cause he donated the sperm.

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He didn't just donate sperm. Unless there is a rape case that you haven't mentioned yet, SHE willingly received that sperm, and in doing so, has already told the court that she deemed him fit to risk having a child with. Beyond that, there will need to be DOCUMENTATION of some aspect that will convince a court to OVERRULE a decision that SHE already made. The court is being asked to come in AFTER the fact to address HER choices, and courts hold such decisions made by individuals to be OVERWHELMINGLY important and worth protecting - and it takes a LOT to undo even the stupidest decisions, and then only on STRONG documentation.

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Call me what you will, but I want the best for this child.

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Unfortunately, if you don't have a time machine to un-do her CHOICE of this guy as the child's father, and particularly in light of you not being married to her (indicating a unified front as a family to support this child), YOU have no dog IN this fight. Until you both say "I do", you will remain a legal nobody in the situation. That's not meant as a slam either, it's just the legal facts (none of which change regardless of the emotional issues involved, only in light of additional FACTS that can be proven to the satisfaction of the court).

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And he is not!

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If you were the judge, that opinion would have some weight. If you've got some documentation to show that some aspects of your accusations might be true, the court will consider it. Until then, it's all academic.

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On a side note, i thought these forums were here for legal advice, not criticism, and judgement.

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Wait till you get to the COURTROOM! The judge will bring up the same issues we've discussed here, and more...because judges are in the business of JUDGING.