My question is similar to Dadshelp.
I have 2 daughters that are 14/16 now. When is a good time to let them know that they have been victims of PAS?
My 16 yr old seems to be more mature and may be able to grasp the concept, I don't think my 14 yr old is ready.
Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks-
NJB.
Telling Kids They're Victims of PAS
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10-30-2009, 12:58 PMNotJamesBondTelling Kids They're Victims of PAS
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10-30-2009, 01:19 PMMr. KnowitallRe: Telling Kids They're Victims of PAS
It's best to leave the kids out of the middle. If you have problems with your ex's conduct, you should discuss them with your ex or, if not possible, your lawyer.
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10-30-2009, 01:55 PMBaystategirlRe: Telling Kids They're Victims of PASPlease be aware that PAS has been discredited. Your children should be attending sessions with a REPUTABLE councilor.Quote:
Quoting NotJamesBond
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10-30-2009, 02:05 PMMr. KnowitallRe: Telling Kids They're Victims of PAS
PAS has been discredited as a diagnosis - it never was a diagnosis, nor were the behaviors supposedly comprising PAS determined in a scientific or methodological manner - but there's no question but that some parents intentionally (or unintentionally) alienate their children from the other parent.
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10-30-2009, 02:38 PMNotJamesBondRe: Telling Kids They're Victims of PASThat's like requesting Attila the Hun to be kinder and gentler.Quote:
Quoting Mr. Knowitall
Attorneys tend to exacerbate the problem.
Feel me yet?
njb -
10-31-2009, 08:28 AMNdK1009Re: Telling Kids They're Victims of PASQuote:
Quoting NotJamesBond
NJB, Can I point out that you used the past tense on this issue. The fact that you might be able to talk to your daughters about this subject begs the question "Is it really an issue that needs to be addressed right now?"
If your answer is "yes" then my advice to you is to NOT discuss it with them. No one likes to be told that they are the victim of manipulation. If you tell them that your ex manipulated them against you, they may react by questioning whether or not you are trying to manipulate them against your ex, and may align themselves with him/her. PAS is something that is best accepted when they come to that realization on their own.
You might, very casually and subtlely be able to alert your daughters to the concept of parental alienation, but I have never seen any good come from a parent blatently telling their child that they were used as a pawn. -
10-31-2009, 10:16 AMMr. KnowitallRe: Telling Kids They're Victims of PAS
There's no "subtlety" to implying that your ex- has engaged in acts to alienate your kids against you. If your kids are smart enough to know what you're talking about they're going to see what you're doing, may well resent it, and it would reasonably be regarded by them and others as intended to alienate them against their mother.
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10-31-2009, 03:39 PMNotJamesBondRe: Telling Kids They're Victims of PAS
NdK1009,
Yes they have and still are victims of PAS.
So, what I'm understanding from you guys here is that it's a no win situation with bringing it up.
Let me add that their step dad was just arrested for video taping while they were showering and changing at their mom's house recently. The surreptitious taping went on for over 1 yr at their mom's house. Much credit to their mom for turning him in upon finding out, but the girls seem to think it is just a "bit mentally ill" for doing this-and maybe with the right help he can be rehabilitated etc.
And understand this is only one of many many things that have happened over the last 10 years. I had to even jail their mother once over night, but she has led them to believe she was protecting them by going to jail etc.
njb
I was thinking about letting them read what the symptoms are, having them printed out and then explaining what a healthy divorced 2 household family custody arrangement should look like and let them reach their own conclusions.Quote:
Quoting Mr. Knowitall
njb -
10-31-2009, 04:19 PMMr. KnowitallRe: Telling Kids They're Victims of PAS
What would probably be best would be for the girls to go into counseling, where you and mom can discuss these issues directly with the counselor when the girls aren't present.
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10-31-2009, 04:22 PMNotJamesBondRe: Telling Kids They're Victims of PASMr Knowitall-Quote:
Quoting Mr. Knowitall
She refuses to go w me.
njb