Father Says He Wants To Know His Son

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New York

Here's a bit about my past...

In January of 2001 I met a man and dated him a few months. We went on vacation out of state and it was awful. When we returned I broke things off. A week later I found out I was pregnant and called to let him know...I thought it was the right thing to do. His comment was "you left me..sucks to be you". I went my entire pregnancy alone..which was fine by me. About a week after my call he sent me a message saying that it wasn't his son I must have cheated on him. I got pregnant on our trip. So unless I slept with someone at a gas station and forgot all about it...this baby was his. I heard nothing from anyone in his family or him my entire pregnancy. My son was born in January of 2002. When he was about 6 weeks old I got a call from him asking why I didn't call and invite him and his mother to the hospital. I still laugh about this. He also asked in this call if he could come and see my son. I agreed doing again what i thought was the right thing to do. He came to my home at 2:30 in the morning and held my sleeping baby for 2 hours. He left and I heard nothing for a couple weeks. Then I get a call asking to bring the baby to meet his family. I agreed and for 3 weeks we visited and occassionaly stayed over when the weather was too bad to go home. We talked about how he wasn't on the birth certificate and during these few weeks we went to the local court house and he signed an order of Paternity. During this time he kept trying to get back into a relationship with me and when my son was about 3 months old I let him know I wanted no part of being back together. I told him he was free to continue to see my son but that he and I were not going to be. He never called again.

In December of 2007 I got a message from one of his sisters asking if the fathers mother could see and get to know my son. I agreed but stated that it would be a slow process and that he was not to be around the father. This would scare and confuse him. I also stated I would accompany him to these meetings until he felt comfortable. They agreed and said they would call me when it was a good time. I never got a call. In June of 2008 12 hours before Father's day the same sister sent me a message asking if her brother could see "his" son for father's day. I kindly let her know this was a bad idea and that my son was spending the whole day fishing with my father like he had his entire life. She stated she understood completely and i've not heard anything since then. Any messages online I got from them I saved and printed just incase something like this was to ever happen.


We've been to court a few times during my sons life about support. I've never taken him, the county has and i'm made to go along. He stated in court, on the rare occassion he actually showed up, that he is not the father and that he hadn't a clue what he was signing when I "talked" him into it. The judge we stood before let him know he could have a dna test done but that if he was infact the father he would be paying the $800 bill. He never went for the testing or for any visitation. The judge also let him know that he signed the order of paternity infront of this same judge and he damn well knew what he was signing. He was ordered to pay $15/week in support and to pay the past hospital bill from the birth. He paid neither for over 3 years and was actually tossed into jail for a whopping 24 hours. He's paid timely since then. He makes well over $150,000 a year but has his employer lying and saying he makes $300/week. I've never taken him for an increase...it's not about the money to me. I raise my son by myself.


A little about him.

He is a very hot headed old fashioned italian. When we met i found out he had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 4 year old son. His daughter lived with him for whatever reason but his mother raised her. Exactly 1 year after my son was born he had a daughter by another woman and 1.5 years after that had a set of twin daughters with the same woman. I've spoken to this woman and she told me he only saw and paid her girls attention when she was with him. When she left he stopped seeing them and hasn't since they were just over 1 and 3 years of age.


I don't want my son getting hurt! He is clearly not a good father. If he was a kind caring man who would take and see him on a regular basis my feeling would be different.

Less than 24 hours ago he sent me a freind request on a friends site I use asking along with the request that he'd like to get to know "his" son.

I am scared and do not know what rights I have. Is there some law or something I can do to prevent someone who has been a complete stranger to my son his entire life. My son is about to turn 7 in a weeks time and I just think that is waaaaay to late to jump in now. He's never done a thing for him.


What can I do?!

If this man is your son's father, he has every right in the world to spend time and get to know him. Your son also has a right to get to know his father. There is NOTHING you can do if he pushes for visitation, except to ask that it be supervised at first. It's unrealistic for you to expect any less.

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We've been to court a few times during my sons life about support. I've never taken him, the county has and i'm made to go along.

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the only way a court initiates a child support order is when state welfare is paid. Were you on welfare? It really doesn;t make any difference so you do not need to answer.

as gigirlie stated, as long as this guy is the father, he will be allowed visitation, unless you can prove he is a danger to the child. His visits will most likely be limited initially and as gigirlie suggested, ask for them to be supervised or actually shared with you since apparently there are no common friends with you and this guy that could supervise. That way, the child is not with a total stranger.

if you do not wish to ask the courts for a modification of the CS order, that is up to you but it holds no weight in determining visitation for dad.

you do not have to allow visitation until the courts order it though, and they will.

I guess the point i'm trying to make is he's had his entire 7 years of life to choose to be a father and hasn't. I don't get how he can just up and decide now's the time to be a dad...I've done this all by myself with no help from him. I never kept my son from him. I don't think you should be able to pick and choose when to be a parent. If this was an adoption case...say I gave my son up for adoption and then changed my mind 7 years later...no court would up and give me my child back.

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Quoting Scaredsinglemomof2

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I guess the point i'm trying to make is he's had his entire 7 years of life to choose to be a father and hasn't. I don't get how he can just up and decide now's the time to be a dad...I've done this all by myself with no help from him. I never kept my son from him. I don't think you should be able to pick and choose when to be a parent. If this was an adoption case...say I gave my son up for adoption and then changed my mind 7 years later...no court would up and give me my child back.

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Which makes no difference.

The child's father can form a relationship with the child at any time.

Yor falling into same trap many parents do. Your making this about you! Its not its about the child. If Dad wants to be in child's life thats a good thing! He has that right and you alone cannot take it from him. The time to decide he was unfit parent was before you have poorly protected or unprotected sex with him

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Quoting panther10758

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Yor falling into same trap many parents do. Your making this about you! Its not its about the child. If Dad wants to be in child's life thats a good thing! He has that right and you alone cannot take it from him. The time to decide he was unfit parent was before you have poorly protected or unprotected sex with him

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I know it's not about me which you can see in my first post I simply stated I do not want to see my son get hurt and he will. This man has shown with the 3 kids he had after that he pops in and out of lives without a care. My son has been a very happy healthy boy and to all of a sudden get a man who says "Oh hi i'm your dad" and takes him a few times then dumps him off will just kill my boy. Then there I am to place all his broken hearted pieces together again while this man goes about his happy selfish life.

As far as poorly protected...I was using 2 forms of birth control and right...but I thank you for that opinion. He was apparently mean't to be.


I'd also like to REstate i never kept my son from him he's had 7 years to choose to be a dad and has never shown an interest..so for this to be happening now...something fishy is going on. He didn't just become a good dad overnight. He's a chronic baby maker without a care in the world...who lies about what he makes and helps none to care for these kids.

None of that changes his right to see his child or the need the child has to see his Father. You may be right he may be in an dout but you dont know that nor can you keep child from him because of your assumptions

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Scaredsinglemomof2;274332]I know it's not about me which you can see in my first post I simply stated I do not want to see my son get hurt and he will. This man has shown with the 3 kids he had after that he pops in and out of lives without a care. My son has been a very happy healthy boy and to all of a sudden get a man who says "Oh hi i'm your dad" and takes him a few times then dumps him off will just kill my boy. Then there I am to place all his broken hearted pieces together again while this man goes about his happy selfish life.

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you are trying to protect your child and I understand your position BUT as you have read, your position is not going to stop dad from popping in and out if/when he wants SO what you have to do is be a protective mom and help your son deal with this, just like anything else in his life that you cannot change.

In other words, now is where you show your abilities as a mom and counsel your child to prevent the situation from injuring him as much as you can and then help him deal with the fact that sometimes you do get hurt but life does go on.

I am not in your state and I am not sure if the laws are pretty similar between the two. I do have an opinion about this.

I don't understand why everyone is saying that he can just pop in and out whenever he likes. Two years here, three years there, one week here, seven years later there. Unfortunately, that is NOT a healthly, nor stable relationship for any child. Imagine what that would do to this child emotionally and mentally, especially if he gets attached (which he should've been from the very beginning).

You didn't state what type of custody you had but I would take this court if I were you and try to obtain sole custody of your child and work on a parenting plan (let them know your side and ask for supervised visitation if the court decides to order visitation for him at all) and the court will rule based on what is in the best interest of the child. I would agree that seven years later is a long time to not be a parent to your child and a judge would wonder the same thing.

I don't think visitation would be completely ruled out, however; if he does not follow the rule of the court and just shows up for a visitation here and there, it would NOT look good on his behalf if you were to take him back to court and show how he has not been following the court order.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best for your child sake.