What Do I Do?

My question involves criminal law for the state of: MA

I really need some help and support desperatley!! My boyfriend broke up with me in May 2008, and it seems since then we couldn't stop talking or seeing each other. We ended up sleeping together because little did I know he was using me and manipulating me. I found out I was pregnant with his baby a couple weeks ago, and he told me I HAD to get an abortion or he would kill himself. He's made threats in writing, txts, and pictures. I was so scared and didn't know what to do- also he was telling me he wanted to be with me still after I took care of the problem. I made a ficticious appointment to a clinic so he would think I was getting it done, in actuality I was talking about him while he was in the waiting room! I faked having it done and stuff and he went home. The next day he was a little in disbelief kept questioning me so I told him we could meet up. We were talking face to face and he was saying things that upset me that were really insulting, he got in his car and shut the door and I opened his door, he tried to close the door on me then shoved me into my car by like putting the palm of his hand on my face. So now I'm really upset and I screamed at him that I lied about the abortion and stuff. ( I JUST WANTED HIM TO TELL HIS PARENTS) I told him we both need to go there and tell them everything. Then I was holding onto his car and without warning he slams on the gas pedal and keeps going even though he sees me there, and I fell. There were two witnesses that reported the incident. He was arrested when the police showed up. Now of course safety is my number one concern for my unborn baby! I am terrified of him but at the same time he also has rights. He got charged with A&B with a deadly weapon, and wreckless operation. He has a court date on Oct. 17th. We talked a week after the incident and he told me what happened to him and that the judge put out a no contact order. He was practically begging for my help. He's so manipulative with me, and I fall for it every single time. He apologized and told me he misses me...and now today he wont even talk to me at all. Anyways so now I am one month pregnant with his baby. I haven't told the police yet- he told them all I had an abortion. What should I expect from this situation? Do you think he will get off easy? I would like him to go to jail. I don't think what he did was severe enough though. I really hope the judge doesn't pass it off. What can I do in this matter? As far as him not talking to me, not wanting to be with me or having anything to do with the baby, what should I do? As the mother of his baby what are my rights? I know I can't stalk or follow him around. Can I inform the police prior to speaking with him so he can't get me in trouble? Ugh I just have so many unanswered questions!!! What do I do about the baby and his parents??? I'm so confused..I just don't want to cause an uproar and have the police come after me for trying to talk to my ex boyfriend.

Quote:

---

Quoting cutiepie143

---

He's made threats in writing, txts, and pictures.

---

That's why we have police - and this is THEIR line of work - to protect YOU, and to protect others from themselves.

Quote:

---

I made a ficticious appointment to a clinic so he would think I was getting it done, in actuality I was talking about him while he was in the waiting room! I faked having it done and stuff and he went home.

---

And you thought this was a good idea WHY?

Quote:

---

I JUST WANTED HIM TO TELL HIS PARENTS. I told him we both need to go there and tell them everything.

---

Blieve it or not, you don't get to control what other people do - if you wanted his parents to know, YOU could/should have told them.

Quote:

---

We talked a week after the incident and he told me what happened to him and that the judge put out a no contact order.

---

If he's still willing to talk to you after the court issued the order not to, apparantly he WANTS to go to jail too - because that'll be the outcome.

Quote:

---

He's so manipulative with me, and I fall for it every single time.

---

You are BOTH manipulative of each other! Lying about an abortion to get your way is about as extreme as it gets.

Quote:

---

He apologized and told me he misses me...and now today he wont even talk to me at all.

---

Good, hopefully someone talked some sense into him - the court has ORDERED "no contact" - if you're not sure what "no contact" means, it INCLUDES not talking to you (even if YOU contact him first), IMming you, texting you, sending smoke signals to you, passing messages through friends, voicemail, etc.

Quote:

---

What can I do in this matter?

---

You can show up to court if ordered to appear as a witness. Otherwise stay AWAY from him and concentrate on healthy living for the sake of your child.

Quote:

---

As far as him not talking to me, not wanting to be with me or having anything to do with the baby, what should I do?

---

Figure out that you can't control what other people do or what other people want and that if he doesn't want a relationship with you, then that's the end of it - it's really that simple. Get over him, move on, and get some serious counseling for yourself. Your entire approach here is incredibly manipulative and massively unhealthy.

Then, realize that once the baby is born, he'll have to establish paternity if he wishes to seek visitation/custody. Visitation can be done without YOU being anywhere in the picture. Doing so will mean he'll get the joy of child support too. But if you continue to pursue him in light of circumstances and the standing court order, you might ultimately be looking at a court order issued against YOU.

I should have sought help when he threatened me with suicide. I didn't know what else to do, besides lie. I wanted him out of my life, because he can't figure out what the hell he wants to do. It's not an issue of control, but when you have someone telling you they will do things and promise you the world and don't. He was tricking me with what I wanted to hear so I would get this taken care of. He admitted that the day of the incident. If someone tells you they want to be with you, and you love them enough you believe them. I am only concerned with what to do now. I am not involved in his prosecution really. I had no idea there was a no contact oder out. I am trying to protect myself and the baby. He is violent obviously, so I wasn't sure if lets say...he had a change of heart, do we have to go through the court before he can see the baby? Would I be in the wrong to send pictures? cards? I have no idea what HE wants to do in this situation because all he says is "I'll kill myself if you don't get an abortion." I have been emotionally traumatized by this person for the past few months. I just want some justice! I have no idea where HE stands or his family. I plan on moving on, starting a new life, moving away. I don't want to find out later that he's taking me to court because NOW he wants to be in the babies life. Can he get in trouble if the police find out?

I don't understand why he was begging me for help. He asked me to get the no contact order revoked. He told me to call him and keep him updated. I was going to get it revoked. It's just confusing because he can't make up his mind. He cried and begged for me not to forget about him or ruin his life with this. He is facing felony charges for 10 years. I'm trying to help him. He even said "get that revoked so we can talk more about this promise" It is in the process of being revoked and the very next day- changes his mind. I don't want to get in trouble for his craziness. I just want to make sure everything is settled so I can move on in peace. I can't ask him or his family myself, so I guess I seek out help? just to see where they stand.

Quote:

---

I have been emotionally traumatized by this person for the past few months. I just want some justice! I have no idea where HE stands or his family. I plan on moving on, starting a new life, moving away. I don't want to find out later that he's taking me to court because NOW he wants to be in the babies life. Can he get in trouble if the police find out?

---

WHAT ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS? I have to ask ...how old are you?

You need to get some serious help for YOURSELF. The hurry up come here, go away, stuff has landed the father of your child in jail. He is responsible for his actions just as much as you are. Taking him to the abortion clinic was OUT THERE. You have made several comments regarding .."I want justice" What this is is revenge....you want revenge. You want to follow the law (by this I mean the court order to stay away from him) when it's good for you. When he treats you the way you WANT to be treated.

Your post this morning at 802 (my time) you state you want justice...then 19 minutes later you write about how your trying to help him. This is also what I mean when I say your sending him mixed messages...come here, go away, come here go away. YOU should go to jail for taking his calls.

And honesty, what about his family? ITS HIS, NOT YOURS. Leave the guy alone and focus on a way to deal with your own emotions and your own actions. No one here is going to tell you to hook up with the guy. The only sympathy that I have here is for this poor unborn child. YOU SERIOUSLY NEED SOME PSYCHIATRIC HELP and I honestly hope you get it!

I am young fyi. I don't need psychiatric help either, if I did I think they would have mandated that. In fact I've done very well considering I've been abused for 4months by this person. If this situation was at all my fault the cops would have said so. The reason for the fight was I am tired of him not being able to make up his mind ever. He knew I wanted to have the baby, and so he threatened me with suicide. He didnt like the thought of having part of him in the world. I can't tell his parents, he wouldn't let me call there, said he'd get a restraining order if I DARE tell them anything. So I felt stuck. I went to the clinic in fear, and they didn't seem to think I need "help" because I did that. It's never good to lie, but he can't force me to do something I don't want to and I certainly don't want him coming after me later on. He will not let me do a damn thing. Now I'm free from him. He can't hurt me ever again and has to deal with the situation. Yes, it's HIS family, it is also the baby's family too. I just wasn't sure if they could see the baby without him, if that's THEIR right? I mean I don't even know if they care. That's all I wanted to find out, without causing problems.

Wow ... people can be mean. You are a in a domestic violant relationship. And it can be very confusing , but a man who puts a hand on a woman - no matter what she says to him - is WRONG.

There are many places to turn to in your community that can help you figure out what is going on legally - and help you with what is going on in your mind - such as Hope House (816) 468 - 5463. It free and no one has to know. "Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors that adults or adolescents use against their current or former intimate partner. Domestic violence is neither random nor haphazard. It is a complex pattern of increasingly frequent and harmful physical, sexual, psychological and other abusive behavior used to control the victim. The abuser's tactics are devised and carried out precisely to control. "

As far as his legal issues - it's in the hands of the state now (check legal advice to make sure). Has the DA for that county/city contacted you yet? They may ask you to testify or make you testify. As hard as it may be (because it's obvious you still love him) stay away from him for now. Because when the courts come after him...you will be in a tangled web my dear. It will bring to light the truth and it can get really ugly. But good may come out of this ... for both of you.

Good luck.

Quote:

---

I am young fyi

---

That was a given. Immature as well. This part isn't your fault, it's life. part of living and learning.

Quote:

---

I don't need psychiatric help either, if I did I think they would have mandated that.

---

In my professional opinion, YES you do, and I hold a professional medical license to back it up. Lots of training in this particular area. Who is the "they" you speak of above? Who do you think is going to mandate it? And getting help doens't have to be mandated to be a good idea. I'm telling you that you need help. You are in a VERY unhealthy relationship for whatever reason...your gonna repeat the mistakes with a different bf if you don't learn from them. To do this, you need to figure out why you needed the relationship in the first place. Hence the counseling. Also, there is something wrong with you if you feel it's okay to pretend to get an abortion.

Quote:

---

If this situation was at all my fault the cops would have said so.

---

The particular sitation where he ran you over is completely 100% HIS fault and the cops got him...which is GREAT. But the cops are there to put people in jail who break laws, they are not relationship counselors. They hear your story a hundrend times over just with different participants. Don't think that they won't arrest you if you are caught breaking the order and contacting/harrassing him.

Quote:

---

He didnt like the thought of having part of him in the world. I can't tell his parents, he wouldn't let me call there, said he'd get a restraining order if I DARE tell them anything.

---

He's entitled to his opinions and feelings. Just as you are. You don't have a right to tell his parents or call him and if you do, he CAN and likely WILL get a restraining order. You don't have a right to do this.

Quote:

---

but he can't force me to do something I don't want to and I certainly don't want him coming after me later on. He will not let me do a damn thing.

---

No he can't and the supreme court has your side on this. If you want to keep or terminate the pregnancy, it's YOUR choice. What won't he let you do...tell his family?

Quote:

---

Now I'm free from him. He can't hurt me ever again and has to deal with the situation

---

Good. I hope you are free of him. Your child DESERVES to have a mother who is FREE to raise her child in the healthiest of environments.

Quote:

---

I just wasn't sure if they could see the baby without him, if that's THEIR right? I mean I don't even know if they care. That's all I wanted to find out, without causing problems.

---

If they contact you once the baby is born, feel free to let them in your childs life. Providing they are stable people. They have already raised one violent child...think hard about how much influence you want your child to have in their life.

This is from the post below the one I've been quoting...

Quote:

---

Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors that adults or adolescents use against their current or former intimate partner. Domestic violence is neither random nor haphazard. It is a complex pattern of increasingly frequent and harmful physical, sexual, psychological and other abusive behavior used to control the victim. The abuser's tactics are devised and carried out precisely to control. "

---

This is an excellent quote. But I must tell you that you could easily be seen as the abuser. The whole going to the abortion clinic. In your original post you stated this:

Quote:

---

So now I'm really upset and I screamed at him that I lied about the abortion and stuff. ( I JUST WANTED HIM TO TELL HIS PARENTS) I told him we both need to go there and tell them everything.

---

See the control here? The sentence prior to the one I just quoted was:

Quote:

---

We were talking face to face and he was saying things that upset me that were really insulting, he got in his car and shut the door and I opened his door, he tried to close the door on me then shoved me into my car by like putting the palm of his hand on my face.

---

You also used physical force here. He tried to go away and YOU interjected. You had no business doing anything but walking away. At the point where you opened the door of his car...had he called the police, YOU would be the one behind bars now. Things ONLY get out of hand if you DON'T walk away.

Then after it's pointed out to you that your not the TOTAL innocent person here. Abusive relationships can have more than one abuser. You can call it mean, nasty, whatever...it is what it is, facts that you stated, I just pointed out things you were doing to make the problem worse or contribute to it. You need to recognize YOUR actions and fix them so history doesn't repeat itself. If that means counseling, then so be it. If you CHOOSE to continue to have contact with him and end up in jail...what then?

Yeah, trust me I've already established my faults in this situation. This wasn't the first time he's done something like this, this is the first time he's gotten caught for it. Before he EVEN tried to go anywhere he shoved me into my car and was very forceful, his intent was to hurt me. He's like a snake he does these things and I honestly don't think he even knows what he just did. He says " I have nightmares of someone hurting you" He's having nightmares about himself. I don't need psychologicsl help for being threatened by an abusive person. I lied not to control, the purpose wasn't to keep him in my life, the purpose was to get him out. I KNEW something bad was going to occur, and I figured that I can't lie, and it had only been like literally 7 hours later. I believed that he would have killed himself, and I didn't know what else to do. The appt was intended to "discuss" my options, and when you have a man so close to killing himself as he was you kinda feel bad. I need help from all the trauma I've been put through yes. The "they" I speak of are also LNA's LPN's ect. and not to mention 6 people from the hospital who are also professional counselors, drs. etc. The 4 cops at the scene and the EMT all know the story. It's not crazy when you don't know what else to do. He needs the help. His life is NOT in danger therefore a restraining order is not possible, and provided that I have his baby I am entitled to try to speak to him as long as I am not harassing or stalking, or threatening him. HE asked me for help, he begged me to fix the situation because his life is now ruined. I never tried to control him in any way that day. He told me and promised me, he was going to talk to them because they have no clue why we fight. So assuming he's going to keep his promise, he insulted the living hell out of me, I got angry and yelled it. I wasn't trying to "control" He said he would, and I was following through. I did not know he was going to shove me into the side of my car. He left a dent even. He tried to call the police AFTER shoving me and breaking skin, so my reponse was good .There were 2 witnesses and whatever THEY said is what screwed him. One happened to be a teacher at the school. He simply could have said " no I will not tell my parents, go away" Kinda hurts a little to trust someone and have them let you down. And anyways THATS NOT the important part. He ALREADY assaulted me. I have spoken to the court and judge explained the situation and the ONE answer I'd been trying to get answered has been. I DO have every right to speak with him about this issue because he's the father. The court was not aware there was a 3rd party involved. The judge put the order out because I had opted out on the restraining order. Now, it isn't necessary to pick apart every detail and analyze the issue. It is what it is. Shame that it came to that, it's a shame that he's irresponsible, and incredibly violent. All I wanted to do was talk to him that day, until he decided it was a good idea to hurt me. This was his 3rd attempt at harming me and the worst.

To: Gigirle - it was me who gave the quote regarding physical violence.

Cutie Pie:

think what we are trying to say when we suggest that you get help ( again - places like Hope House,etc) Is that you have involved yourself in a relationship that has turned seriously violent. Because of this...the chances are pretty good you will get yourself involved in another relationship like this in the future. It's imperative to both you, your child, and your family that you break this pattern of violence. Not just his actions but yours as well.

If you continue on the road you are on...you will not have to worry about the well being of your child because the state will take him/her away. Why - because you and your partner are both violent.

Can you imagine your child watching the two of you in the violent situation you describe in this email?

Domestic violence is like...being an alcoholic...it's a mental pattern that you need to be consciences of every day of your life. If not - your life will become a nightmare.

Your age has nothing to do with this - it's your denial to get help that concerns me the most. Getting help is often mandated by the courts - the help I suggest is not going to a mental ward or even a "psychiatrist". The help I recommend is getting involved with a good counselor who deals with abuse and has you attend group meetings with women who are in your same situation.

You don't need to keep explaining yourself - I just hope you seek the assistance that both you and your unborn child so desperately need.