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Friend in Danger
My question involves restraining orders in the State of: Florida
My friend needs a restraining order against her ex. They broke up a long time ago but he is still ruining her life. They both attend the University of South Florida and actually reside in the same apartment complex. They dated towards the end of last year for quite a while. It all ended with him in severe depression and him going into her room and swallowing an entire bottle of his anti-depressants and saying it was all his fault. He still cuts himself and physically abuses himself to this day and is nowhere near mentally stable. I have personally had to stay with him for a week to make sure that he didn't kill himself while his parents were away. During their relationship he would regularly verbally abuse her and physically hit her at least once. Since their relationship he has not left her alone. One day he even called her a total of thirty one times in rapid succession before she turned off her phone. He blackmails her friends and has them scared as well. He has even threatened to kill me seriously and several times. Just last week he followed her to her bus stop quietly repeating "slut." He has never actually threatened her life, but she and all of us are scared for her.
She got a temporary restraining order and had a court date today but it was thrown out because it was listed as dating abuse or something like that and they hadn't dated in a while. And he also supposedly had a witness to testify against him stalking her (which I don't see how that is possible because it isn't like that person can be with him 42/7). I am not sure of the whole situation but she is in the process right now to get a new restraining order on stalking. I am really scared for my friend emotionally and physically. Is there anything I can do or anything that she needs to do in order to make this happen?
Also, she has told him several times that he needs to leave her alone and just stay away. Everyone around both of them know the whole situation as well.
Quick Update:
We were just informed that supposedly he was going to have one of his friends testify as to an alibi for him for the whole bus stop thing. This is an obviously blatant lie, but this friend is supposed to testify in court that he was with her at the time of the incident. My friend was alone at the time and the closest thing to a witness she would have is me because she called me immediately after the incident as he was walking away. This is all according to his roommate.
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Re: Friend in Danger
All you can do is wait it out. Bring copies of the cell phone log to prove her side of the story. If the telephone harrassement continues, call the police and have the police deal with it.
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Re: Friend in Danger
And have her do some additional things:
1) Contact her local domestic violence program and find out if they have legal advocates who can help her to formulate her case, get her evidence in order, make sure she's applying for the right TYPE of order, etc. ...and,
2) Get her to understand that just because there is an order of protection, that does NOT mean anyone IS protected. All it means is that certain behaviors which are normally fine can be charged as criminal offenses if they occur after an order is in place, and, that penalties are more likley to be enforced (and/or enhanced) if that order is violated. Other than that, it's ONLY a piece of paper. It's value to her only kicks in if he DOES something else - from harassing phone calls to an all out fire and brimstone shooting spree at her school - and, it's ability to deter such actions is directly proportional to his fear of repercussions for violations. Of all of the domestic violence homicides I've been involved in over the years, I'd say about 65% of the cases involved already standing POs or PFAs - because some people will be deterred by it, and other people will be pissed off by it or suddenly realize that it signals a true end (even months or years later) to the abusive relationship and they are often NOT about to let that happen. Such an order MUST be only be a single tool in a box FULL of tools.
When ex's start acting psycho, hurting themselves or threatening to hurt themselves or others, it should send up a HUGE red flag, as this is classic behavior seen in a large majority of cases that end up with one or both parties in the morgue - she needs to be working on her personal safety plan, and getting friends/family/supporters on board with that plan. She can get help with this through her local DV program. She can also check the stalking section for tips on how to properly document and defend in stalking situations.
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Re: Friend in Danger
I finally get some actual advice. You have no idea how helpful that is. Thank you so much for your time. We are trying to get her moved out but it is hard in the middle of a semester and with a lease on her apartment.
A big problem that she is running into in court is that she has no actual evidence against him besides her account of things. Because she never answered the phone during his massive call sprees they didn't end up on the phone records. And every time that he has threatened/ assaulted her there have been no witnesses.
On a side note. We recently figured out from his roommate that he was bragging about how he had planned out his attempted suicide in such a way that he would take enough pills to make himself seriously ill and not kill him. Which is almost scarier because he did it not because of internal problems but in order to hurt those around him.
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Re: Friend in Danger
It might be helpful if he continues to call to simply pick up the phone and then hangup without giving any verbal answer or even putting the phone to her ear (assuming she recognizes the number). That way the call will be documented in her phone records - and, if it prompts him to call a lot in a short period of time, even better for the documentation that his calls are repeated to the point of harassment. The key is for her to stick with the plan that picking up the call is ONLY to get the documentation and she'll have to be strong enough to cut the call off quick and not allow herself to get sucked into having ANY sort of actual conversation with him.
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Re: Friend in Danger
I finally get some actual advice. You have no idea how helpful that is. Thank you so much for your time. We are trying to get her moved out but it is hard in the middle of a semester and with a lease on her apartment.
A big problem that she is running into in court is that she has no actual evidence against him besides her account of things. Because she never answered the phone during his massive call sprees they didn't end up on the phone records. And every time that he has threatened/ assaulted her there have been no witnesses.
On a side note. We recently figured out from his roommate that he was bragging about how he had planned out his attempted suicide in such a way that he would take enough pills to make himself seriously ill and not kill him. Which is almost scarier because he did it not because of internal problems but in order to hurt those around him.