Sexual Abuse Disclosure By a 9 Year Old

My question involves child abuse or neglect in the State of: CA
:(
My 9 year old son disclosed to me yesterday that his bio-dad (I have full custody - shared visitation - EOWeekend and sometimes when he feels like seeing him) molested him. There were specific details and this followed his "I cannot tell you Mama, because it is a secret and my Dad would kill me!" I was asking him why he didn't want to go to his Dad's house for the weekend... He started with "I just don't feel comfortable" (this has been an ongoing problem - his reluctance - since we seperated when he was 3 years old, I am remarried to a man who my son considers his 'dad' and loves very much) then moved to full blown melt down. I tried to get to the root (he is in therapy and has been, on and off, for this same problem, reluctant to visit father since about age 4) and eventually asked him if we could talk about 'good touch/bad touch'... he flung himself to the floor, covered his eyes, began to cry and said "I don't want to talk about that - it makes me very uncomfortable." Obviously, this was a big red flag. (this happened about 2 weeks ago). He went back to therapy and refuses to discuss anything with the therapist, but we thought it just may take some time.

Then yesterday, as the weekend was approaching, I asked my son again if we could try to figure out why he is so reticent about visiting with Dad (he is recently remarried) - He said, "I cannot tell you, I promised." :wallbang: So I said, how about if you don't tell me, but I can observe while some dolls show a third doll what the secret was about. "This way you're not breaking the promise by telling me directly." To make a long story short, he was willing to take this route and it opened him to also describe quite clearly in his own words that his Dad has sexually abused him based on how certain things made him feel "strange." I could go on about this, but it's personal and extremely upsetting as I sit here less than 24 hours out from having my world shattered. My husband and I went through filing a report with CPS last night explaining the details of my son's disclosure, and now I'm just waiting here with no idea what's going to happen in terms of the process. I'd like to know more about the process, just logistically. I'm also fearful that my ex-husband/sons Dad, who presents very well will hire a good attorney and try to deny the abuse, downplay the whole thing and accuse me and/or my son of lying about the whole thing because my son has been increasingly unwilling to go to his scheduled visitation over the last several weeks. If the justice system lets us down and his father is mandated visitation again, my son would be crushed; it's taken a lot for him to tell me what he has, and he's petrified that his Dad is going to "kill him if he finds out" that he's shared his secret. This isn't the first time he's said his dad would 'kill him' either, so at this point he's hesitantly trusting that me and his step-dad can protect him, keep him safe and ensure that he'll never have to see his Dad again if he doesn't want to.

Any insight on the process and possible outcomes would be very helpful. At this point, we're about ready to relocate regionally just to make one more step of removal from his father and minimize our sons (and quite frankly our) fears of being 'found' or 'visited' by his Dad during the investigation. Obviously we're going to keep CPS abreast of our whereabouts, but we don't want to remain in the small community we currently live in knowing his Dad's history, nature and potential for violence against himself or others.

Thanks for any replies.

Get a temporary restraining order. NOW.

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Quoting cyjeff

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Get a temporary restraining order. NOW.

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Thanks for the reply. We have filed with CPS, and we are leaving town on Wednesday, for 6 days. They stated they're not planning on doing anything until we get back to town at which point they'll send an investigator to our house to interview our son. They said if Dad showed up trying to force visitation (with the police and his court order for visitation) that we could simply tell the officer that there was an investigation being conducted by CPS and he'd escort the Dad off premises and tell him he could not come back.

I guess I don't expect he'd show up with the police yet, as he's totally unaware of the pending investigation and agreed that he'd not try and see our son until after our return (we had been communicating about our son's unwillingness to visit and his therapists recommendation to give him some leeway; Dad finally 'bent' on that and agreed to give it a rest for a few days). However, he still continues to call and email daily, and we understand that part of the abuse cycle is the abuser must make the victim aware that he's constantly present - and feel we probably wouldn't have gotten disclosure had we not been able to to isolate him from his Dad's constant calling/emailing for about 10 days prior per the therapists rec's. Would a temporary restraining order also limit phone and email contact? I thought there had to be actual threats or previous acts of violence against me to have the police instantiate an order? Would his abuse of our son constitute 'violence'? Sorry for all the questions, we're really ignorant of this whole process as we've never been here before.

Thanks.

Have you notified the police yet?

I would notify the police as well as CPS, there could be criminal charges involved.

A no contact order will include all forms of contact, even third party contact.

I am not an atty, and plead ignorance of the law, but for me personally I would notify the police and file a report on top of CPS.

My best to you and your child, this can be a very trying time and things can get difficult. I would make it a point not to bring up the matter with my child any further and let the police/CPS handle this from here out. I would also get myself and the rest of my family involved in therapy with someone who specializes in victims of sexual abuse. That way you yourself know how to handle the emotions of not only yourself but your child in the best manner for recovery of all involved.

Hi Mickey, Thank you for replying. Fortunately, we have a wonderful therapist my husband and I have been seeing off and on for years. I just received a very angry email concerning his not 'seeing his son' and that he was going to plan on showing up at his football practice (which we are keeping him home from) and barring that he'd plan to drop by to see him. I get sick when I think that not 3 weeks past I forced him to (literally peeled him off me and forced him) go and have dinner with his father. The SOB!!! Knowing what Iknow now, I just get seriously sick. What he did to my child.

I do not know if calling the police is the appropriate action, though I will do so (per your sugesstion) in the morning. I have not spoken about this again with my son and have tried to continue as the normal loving mom that I am. I made it clear to him upon his disclosure that I would keep him safe from his father and he would never have to see him again. I plan to follow through no matter what it takes. I am grateful for any advice and understanding any of you may have.

Do not delay in calling the cops..do it asap! As for CPS in the state of Hawaii, do whatever it takes to get them moving on this, and make sure they do whatever they can within their authority to protect your child.

Good luck to you and your family.

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Quoting HawaiiMom

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Do not delay in calling the cops..do it asap! As for CPS in the state of Hawaii, do whatever it takes to get them moving on this, and make sure they do whatever they can within their authority to protect your child.

Good luck to you and your family.

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We're in CA - but thanks for the advice. We spent the vast majority of our day in first the Sheriffs office, then finally in the police precinct where my ex resides as that is where the abuse took place. I was first chastised for not bringing my 9 year old, sensitive, worrying son with me (after being told by CPS to wait for their Emergency Response Investigator to come interview him when we return from our vacation next week as our son is safe and out of harms way with us) so they could do a preliminary interview, then I was asked if I believed him?!@# WTF? He's 9 and he really couldn't make this up - nor was he led down the path - nor is this something I am interested in having had happened to benefit us somehow as we have always been working towards a satisfying and healthy co-parenting situation. In other words, when I was asked if I was in the middle of a divorce/custody battle I said "No." And if I didn't feel bad enough at this point, first for putting him in harms way, (I make myself sick over the recent times I literally peeled him off me and forced him to go and have 'just dinner' with his bio-dad!) but for having him recount 'daddy's secret' - then feeling like I completely failed as a mother in not recognizing the signs; not keeping him safe and then that the system failed him and us when they didn't recognize the signs during our initial 730 eval a few years ago (4) when we were requesting a move away. That was a joke and nightmare as I watched my ex lie his way thru it while we were penalized for our utter honesty... though at the end of the day, they found he should remain in my full custody with visitation the same - in spite of his Dad trying to wrench him from us calling my relationship w/ my kids 'un-natural' and 'over-bearing' and that I have no life outside of my kids... I digress. Even the 730 eval was duped by him so I fear that the system is not capable of protecting him....

Finally, today once the first couple of female officers were finished chastising me and telling me that CPS screwed up (by not reporting Friday night) and I screwed up by not taking my son to a scary police station to file a report, as now if it goes to court my ex's fancy attorney may argue that "with all the time that passed between the disclosure and interview my son was coached on what to tell", (I was first appalled, then offended and finally moved to tears at the horrid thought that conjured!) we finally left and received an apology phone call from the detective in charge who explained that we would be taking our son to CAST for an interview on Wednesday, prior to leaving for vacation, concerning the abuse and we shouldn't be speaking about it with him...

Sorry for ranting but I am finally meandering my way to my questions: my son is not very trusting of strangers, particualrly where his 'feelings' are concerned. It takes him a few sessions to warm up to a therapist (we're on our second in 6 years) and I am concerned that as he had a really hard time disclosing to me, with the caveat that "I would never, ever tell anyone else", including his therapist or my husband (who he has a really strong bond with) then he would have a far more difficult time expressing what took place to a professional that he's never met, regardless of the setting. Does anyone know what the protocol is for something like this? Will he get to warm up to someone? Do they have enough experience to delicately handle my innocent baby's psyche? Will they protect his psyche or further damage it? What can I say to him to prepare him for the meeting/interview? (outside of discussing the disclosure?) i.e., (as he will want to know where in the world we are going - inquisitive bugger) "Remember Mommy told you about children's 'protection' service and how their job is to help keep you safe? Mommy is taking us there so you can share with them what you were so brave to share with me, 'Daddy's secret'. Once you finish telling them they will make sure you are safe and that your Dad gets the help he needs. Would that be okay? Any other sugesstions as I really don't want to mess anything up, but I also need to let him know what's up. TIA for your kind assistance.

Oops..I missed the part about you being in CA. I'm glad you finally went to the cops, although it seemed pretty traumatic. At least now the alleged abuse is on record and being investigated.

As for what to tell your son regarding the meeting, just tell him you're doing all you can to help and protect him. This must be really scary for him, so he's going to need you to stay calm and focused on his emotional well-being.
Take care and God Bless.

I am sorry you were made to feel the way you did, but on the other hand you also have to understand that most people would go to the police right away when a crime such as this is committed. Keep in touch with the investigator that is assigned to your case and be honest and upfront about your concerns.

They have investigators that are trained to work closely with children involved in these kinds of cases, and will likely use a trained child psychologist who also works for the police department to speak to your child.

Keep in regular contact with your sons therapist and apprise him/her of the current situation. I know you are probably wondering if you did the right thing, trust me you did. If the police determine your ex abused abused your child they will take steps to prosecute him, and you will be able to keep him away from your child. If you had not talked to others or if your child had kept quite, the abuse could have continued for years and that would have been far worse then the current situation.

Also, as cyjeff suggested, contact the court today and find out how to obtain a temporary restraining order.

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Quoting mickey68

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Also, as cyjeff suggested, contact the court today and find out how to obtain a temporary restraining order.

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Well we had our interview today - it was painful and painfilled to say the least. The interviewer was a nice enough gal, the detective was nice too- but it was hard for our son. Apparantly, he didn't 'fully' disclose during the initial interview. They were getting ready to turn us loose, and just had a few more questions for us and him. Another interviewer (a gal more like me) went in to speak with our son and he disclosed a bit more, matter of factly, without the 'pressure' of the interview room. He didn't give details. But the interviewer came back and told us that there was a partial disclosure but they still didn't all the way believe him - thought he may be manipulating the situation and perhaps be starting or forming the beginning of some type of mental disorder. WTF? I let them know that my kids are all pretty truthful, albeit they'd find this type of situation a bit stressful and embarrassing I'm sure... I asked her to please question him about the 'secret' his father made him keep. She aquiesced to, informally, inquire.

She came out brought me in and stated he'd made full disclosure - they believed all of it as it was too detailed. They then required him to go back to the interview room and re-live it again, for the cameras, DA and Detective (behind the glass). Painful, but over I hope and now we can begin the healing process from this. I'm not sure what happens now, other than he'll go to jail and hopefully be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I, on the other hand, would like to exact my own justice. I thank you all for your advice and hope I can return the favor at some point.

Take care.

Well still nothing has been done to help keep my son safe, other than my husband and I telling lies about whether or not we are home - whether or not he is having football practice etc. Apparantly, in his disclosure in front of the 'videotape' he did not disclose 'enough' - merely that "his father and he were lying on the bed, on top of the covers, clothed. He said his father put his hands down his pant and hung onto his weiner for 10 minutes, or 45 minutes. That he told him to keep it a secret because it would hurt his family." This is more than he disclosed to me... with the caveat that his father would 'kill him' if he told the secret. The CPS folks, while courteous and not helpful. The detective in charge has 'new' more important cases that have come in and while our case is important to her... these take precedent right now. So the investigation of my ex and what he has done to my son - are on the back burner. Meanwhile, I have a little boy who has had 2 anxiety attacks in the last week and is escaping into his books and video games, lack of hunger and basically not himself.

I need to know who or what to do next now that his disclosure wasn't 'enough' on tape (even though he disclosed more to the social worker after the initial interview) and that an expert defense attorney will "tear him and it apart." The detective doesn't feel my son is 'strong enough' to do a covert call - but the social worker does. I do not want my son to endure anymore abuse at the hands of his father or the judicial system that is now, perhaps, failing him. Please advise what I can do with respect to the family courts (also if you can point me in the direction of legal assistance specific to child abused children as he certainly needs an advocate now) - what I need to file to keep his father at bay, as my son is ADAMANT that he does not want to see him ever again, wants to change his name, be adopted, move to Africa. And, I promised to keep him safe from harm. I can tell you that reunification is less than promising considering the violent vehemence with which he has expressed his anger towards his Dad.

His father continues to email me asking if he is available. Continues to call to speak with him and I was told not to speak with him- then told about an hour ago to tell him there was an investigation about his abusing our son and to bugger off (this from the detective) I feel like I am getting the run around... and no one gives a crap about my son. I am sorry for all the other abuse victims out there but he is my only concern right now. The detective told me that while this is important, there are just too many abuse cases and not enough detectives to follow them up and because he is safe with me- they put ours behind others.. does that sound right to you?

Suggestions? Direction? And thank you in advance.

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: CA

I have an ongoing thread in the abuse section. I am seeking information concerning a modification to the current custody order. After my 9 year old son disclosed sexual abuse (which the CPS considers inappropriate but only 'borderline' sexual abuse or 'minimal' but they are classing it as 'sexual abuse') CPS was notified along with the local PD. Neither have done anything as far - other than videotape my son who was petrified about disclosing the 'secret' his father has made him keep at the risk of 'hurting his family' or 'killing him' - and make a 'home visit' to OUR home and interviewing my other children to make certain we are not alcoholics. Odd that.

The social worker did say she felt that we were not at all involved in 'creating' this scenerio nor does she feel we have 'encouraged' our son to disclose something less than truthful. Yet- nothing is going forward in making certain our son never has to be alone with this man again. So I need to go forward and take matters into my own hands.

The social worker said I should go to the courts for a protective order or to modify custody. As I no longer have adequate legal council I was wondering if there is anything I can do, a'la an ex parte motion to halt all visits until we can be heard for a mod in court either in pro per or with council (I may be able to retain my previous lawyer from the initial custody hearing - jury is out on that) and if so what legal forms would be required or what is a website I can use to access this information. Any additional info would be appreciated as well.

Thanks In Advance.

Have you asked the courts for a temporary restraining or no contact order as of yet?

I would call the courts tomorrow and ask how and who you need to talk with to obtain this while your childs case is being investigated.

I am sorry you feel let down by CPS, I too have been let down by them myself recently, with an admission of guilt from the offending party... But you did make a report, you have done what you are supposed to do, take what little solace in that you can.

Contact the courts, ask how to keep him away, maybe you can get an emergency order of protection. Maybe the child abuse hotline knows of child advocacy attys in your state, I don't know but worth dialing the toll free number to ask. Also maybe contact the state bar to ask if they have child advocacy attys on record.. maybe even the domestic hotline would be able to provide some insight.

I had to get an equity loan on my home to cover my atty fees, it ended up being more of a personal loan since it was not nearly as much as most people take. I only took enough to retain my atty and am paying him any further amounts as we move forward in my case. Figuring it was best not get myself ass deep in debt, I only borrowed what I *HAD* to have to get my case started and picked up some extra hours at work to continue to pay.

If you cannot get a loan then look around your house, see what you can sell or pawn to get up the funds for an attorney ... I have a checklist of what goes and in what order in case the need arises..my children need to be safe more then I need an ipod. I even have clothing I no longer wear ready for ebay and will be putting it up this week.. every little bit counts and you would be surprised what sells on ebay. Stick all those dusty knick-knacks in a large "lot" and sell them in one fail swoop, shoes, purses and so on.. whatever you don't want/use.. get rid of it and get the money.

Anyway, all my best to you.. wish I could help more.

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Quoting mickey68

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Have you asked the courts for a temporary restraining or no contact order as of yet?

I would call the courts tomorrow and ask how and who you need to talk with to obtain this while your childs case is being investigated.

I am sorry you feel let down by CPS, I too have been let down by them myself recently, with an admission of guilt from the offending party... But you did make a report, you have done what you are supposed to do, take what little solace in that you can.

Contact the courts, ask how to keep him away, maybe you can get an emergency order of protection. Maybe the child abuse hotline knows of child advocacy attys in your state, I don't know but worth dialing the toll free number to ask. Also maybe contact the state bar to ask if they have child advocacy attys on record.. maybe even the domestic hotline would be able to provide some insight.

I had to get an equity loan on my home to cover my atty fees, it ended up being more of a personal loan since it was not nearly as much as most people take. I only took enough to retain my atty and am paying him any further amounts as we move forward in my case. Figuring it was best not get myself ass deep in debt, I only borrowed what I *HAD* to have to get my case started and picked up some extra hours at work to continue to pay.

If you cannot get a loan then look around your house, see what you can sell or pawn to get up the funds for an attorney ... I have a checklist of what goes and in what order in case the need arises..my children need to be safe more then I need an ipod. I even have clothing I no longer wear ready for ebay and will be putting it up this week.. every little bit counts and you would be surprised what sells on ebay. Stick all those dusty knick-knacks in a large "lot" and sell them in one fail swoop, shoes, purses and so on.. whatever you don't want/use.. get rid of it and get the money.

Anyway, all my best to you.. wish I could help more.

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Hi Mickey,
Thanks again for your response. I am going to go to court tomorrow morning and file for a temp restraining and stay away order. If the judge, for whatever reason, doesn't grant it, my friend, who is a PI lawyer, told me to contact a pal of his who is a psych, and get the 3 top legal referrals and beg them to take our case for low fee or no fee (he's more optimistic than we are) - and that if the ex tried to see him I am to tell him to bugger off and that I know all about his 'secret' and what he did to his son... and that I am going in for a custody mod. We'll see and I will update tomorrow on what happens with the orders.

Sorry to read that CPS has given you a bad hand as well. I suppose I am not surprised. This sucky thing is that when we called we got the typical run around... "You're doing the right thing..." "You're disclosure is anonymous." "We'll be able to keep your son safe..." "We won't let on where the report came from..." Only to find out that they are going to call him outon the abuse by telling him exactly what his son said... allowing him to come up with a 'pat' story for why it happened... though what, I can never imagine, anymore than I can imagine what he's done to our little boy.

Anyhow. You have a good night. And I wish you much luck too, in everything you've got going on.

Be well.

We got our TRO / Stay Away order w/ full custody to me. I am so grateful. He was supposed to have an interview w/ detectives this evening[ needless to say, he's lawyered up - and canceled his meeting. The detective stated "Not to worry, they'll get him." Thanks again, always nice when the system works. Now onto the healing and prepping for court.

If anyone has any good, ne' GREAT, low cost, legal service options that you know of in Southern California, could you please post the info to me (either here or PM)

Thanks,
MM

I am very glad to hear you got the order to keep your child separated from him for now. Time to move forward and begin the healing process, big hugs to you.

Regarding legal help, California is a very resourceful state, maybe some of the victims organizations can offer suggestions and point you in the right direction.

When I entered the terms "legal help victims of child sexual abuse california" into google, I came up with the following website, maybe it will help. If not you can search as well.. my best to you and yours.

http://www.ojp.gov/ovc/