Was I Raped?

My question involves criminal law for the state of: Georgia.

Five years ago, when I was 20 years sold, I moved to Georgia. I became more than friends with my landlord (I lived in a small separate house on his property). The first time we attempted to have a sexual experience, I was a virgin. It hurt so much, I asked him to stop. This time, he replied with my request. A few days later, we attempted again. Almost immediately upon penetration, the pain was again unbearable and I cried, begging him to stop, saying that I was so sorry, but I did not want to do this anymore. My partner grew aggravated this time and said that he "was an inch from pleasure" (became my hymen was not yet broken completely) and not to deny him. I did not want to continue, but cannot remember if I indicated this verbally or otherwise at this point. I wish I could remember 100% sure, but I seem to remember him putting his hand around my neck in a choke-hold as he continued to penetrate me. (I know completely sure he did this action during a sexual encounter, I just cannot recall which encounter this was.) In any case, I was stunned, felt violated, and remember thinking that I might have been raped.

I am angry at myself, because I had wanted to wait for marriage before sex. I feel that this incident was my fault because I put myself in this situation. I am also conflicted because I am unsure whether or not I was actually raped or even sexually assaulted. If I said "no" and then he tried to reason with me, after which I possibly did not verbally indicate "no" again, then was it consensual? The reasons I might not have said "no" the second time (although I cannot remember if I did or not...) was because I was afraid if I said no, I would anger him, disappoint him, or that I might loose my home. He was into BDSM and I was very curious about it. In that sort of relationship, the submissive is taught not to question the orders of the dominant. That might have played a factor in this situation, as well. Whatever the situation was, I was not in a place to stand up for myself and stop the intercourse, even though I wanted to end it.

Was I raped?

I am not seeking revenge. I do *NOT* want to pursue legal action, even if I were able to. I am posting this question simply because I want to move on with my life. Being able to have this matter answered would be a first step in dealing with the issue instead of continuing to push it aside. I have been experiencing flashbacks, shame, depression, borderline personality disorder, and other things which might be related to this incident.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

If you requested him to stop at anytime and he did not its rape

Its a very difficult question. I would say NO, on the grounds that you allowed him to begin having sex on that paticular occasion. If the the situation was you never allowed him to penetrate you on a given occasion and he did so anyway; thats rape. Simply telling him to stop under a BSDM situation is most defenatly a grey area. Before you live the rest of your life as a victom; consider that you allowed that situation to develope and progress; the guy was in you and you allowed that, simply 'wanting' him out or even telling him to get out does not constitute a situation whereas he raped you.

I think it matters not what we think but what you and your psychiatrist think.

as you said, you are not seeking prosecution for this so the legal definition of rape is not important. Keep talking with your shrink, if you have one, or get one to help you deal with this if you do not have one. It is not simply a matter of "was I raped" or not.

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Its a very difficult question. I would say NO, on the grounds that you allowed him to begin having sex on that paticular occasion. If the the situation was you never allowed him to penetrate you on a given occasion and he did so anyway; thats rape. Simply telling him to stop under a BSDM situation is most defenatly a grey area. Before you live the rest of your life as a victom; consider that you allowed that situation to develope and progress; the guy was in you and you allowed that, simply 'wanting' him out or even telling him to get out does not constitute a situation whereas he raped you.

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That is wrong. Completely and utterly.

One of the partners may, at any time before or during the intercourse, say "Stop" and all action must stop at that point.

I don't know where you are bringing in these bizarre S&M references from or what you hope to accomplish with them, but, from a legal standpoint, you are completely and utterly wrong.

To the OP, call the police. Don't let the other posters that don't know what they are talking about confuse or intimidate you.

You do not have to tolerate what happened to you. Also, I recommend getting some help.

As for the other poster, if you don't have any idea what you are talking about, the correct action to take is to shut up.

100% correct either partner may say stop at anytime. If the other partner does not stop its rape pure and simple.

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Quoting cyjeff

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That is wrong. Completely and utterly.

One of the partners may, at any time before or during the intercourse, say "Stop" and all action must stop at that point.

I don't know where you are bringing in these bizarre S&M references from or what you hope to accomplish with them, but, from a legal standpoint, you are completely and utterly wrong.

To the OP, call the police. Don't let the other posters that don't know what they are talking about confuse or intimidate you.

You do not have to tolerate what happened to you. Also, I recommend getting some help.

As for the other poster, if you don't have any idea what you are talking about, the correct action to take is to shut up.

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did you notice she does not want to initiate prosecution? she is looking for an answer for a mental health situation. The legal answer is not all that relelevent because the legal answer does not alter how she feels in her head.

while it appears this may well be within any applicable SoL, prosecuting a "maybe" rape that happened 5 years ago is pretty unlikely. As you can read for yourselves, OP is questioning her own actions and intents. What do you think a prosecutor will think if presented with this?


rosesandthornes; it's not that I am doubting the possibility of it being rape or even trying to trivialize it, you did state you had no intention of prosecuting this but were looking to heal from the situation. Prosecuting a rape can help with that or it can do the complete opposite. It all depends on how a person handles things. I am very close with several women that have been raped so I do understand how it affects them, at least as well as my guy mind will allow. It is not an easy thing to overcome. Because of what I have stated and you state of mind because of the incident, I would strongly suggest seeking mental health counseling or even psychiatric aid. You are struggling with the "I wanted to wait" issue but you took steps to "not wait" and now you are torn by that.

The truth is; what happened happened. You cannot change it no matter what you do. Based upon the rendition of the facts, it could have been rape but just as easily, it could be seen as you acquiescing to the act. You yourself said;

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The reasons I might not have said "no" the second time (although I cannot remember if I did or not...)

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is going to make it near impossible for a DA to prosecute the case. This, I believe, is a personal issue and prosecuting it would do you no good, in terms of healing. It will confuse you more than you are now.

Get some medical help to help you deal with this.

I agree, and I also suggested counseling.

However, for the previous poster to start bringing up some sort of weird BSDM reference was out there.

Further, anytime that a woman (or man) says no, the answer is no. Even if they have already had sex 10 times that night.

I wanted to make that point very clear.

I am also curious as to the legal component. If all the OP wanted was rape counseling, why would she be at a legal site asking for the information?

I feel at some point the OP needs to realize she was raped more than likely. I think par tof her healing will be just that. I feel shes taking all or some of the blame for this and never let that go.

Let me share a personal anecdote here.

When I was just out of college, I was engaged to be married to a wonderful person.

While I was out of town (strangely enough, providing hurricane aid during the aftermath of Andrew), some piece of human filth broke into the home we shared and raped her. Repeatedly.

We went to counseling... individually and together. However, after a period of several months, the counselor suggested that we "take a break".

You see, my former fiancee could never forgive herself for what happened. For me for not being there when she needed me. For her for, well, some of the circumstances that caused the, um, rape kit to be a little more complicated than it needed to be.

I watched the guilt surrounding this heinous act of violence destroy a wonderful person.... and our relationship.

Eventually, we both met and married other people. I am told that, after a tremendous amount of therapy on her end, she was able to face the attack for what it was and move on.

Having seen the effects of this first hand, I urge the OP to seek help. Your pain will not go away on its own without a professional to help you.

Good luck.