Felony Assault, Domestic Violence, In Oregon

My question involves criminal law for the state of: Oregon

My (now ex) fiance and I had a disagreement earlier today that resulted in him putting me in a headlock, breaking my lip open and spraining my wrist. (First case of DV in a year long relationship.) Naturally I filled out a police report and naturally he was arrested. (The Felony was a result of there being children present.)

My question is this-I don't care to be with him, but at the same time, he's not what I'd classify as a danger or threat as I don't think he'd step foot back onto my property, and I really have an aversion to ruining people's lives. I can't drop it and wouldn't necessarily want to because I'd have to say I was lying to have it dropped (and I'm not) but I would rather they not prosecute for a felony charge. If I chose not to show up to the hearing would the case be thrown out?

Thanks'
-C-

You shouldn't worry about the consequences he is about to face. You will be summons/subpoenaed to testify and you should follow that order.

He should get an attorney and it most likely will be reduced. This is his first offense and he may be ordered to take anger management classes, pay fines....

I just can't stop feeling so damned guilty!

Quote:

---

Quoting cleahmorgan

---

I just can't stop feeling so damned guilty!

---

That is not an unusual feeling. However, he needs to learn not to harm people when he gets angry.

Fair enough. I can't believe how much harder it is to deal with this guilt than it is to deal with the fact he snapped on me. Thank you for your help.

Quote:

---

Quoting cleahmorgan

---

Fair enough. I can't believe how much harder it is to deal with this guilt than it is to deal with the fact he snapped on me. Thank you for your help.

---

You are welcome. You know it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to seek counseling.

Cleah, I'm signing off for the night, but please check back, Aardvarc or others may have more to add.

Get a good night sleep, and try and not worry about all of this.

The guilt you're feeling is totally natural. No offense to the guys of the world, but us women tend to be the nurturers, and that kind of sets us up to want to protect those we care for at any level, even those who we don't WANT to care for or feel we SHOULDN'T care for in light of their actions towards us.

Sometimes, the hardest part is that we care for people more than they care for themselves, and we protect people from things that they should be protecting themselves from. You're a mom - you know that sometimes you disapoint your kids and feel guilty when you tell them that they can't live on cola and their favorite sugary breakfast cereal, even though you know this is in their best interest. YOU understand the long term implications of letting them so do - rotten teeth, high blood sugar, obesity, and on and on. As a parent, you protect them from the consequences of the actions they WANT to take by preventing the action and teaching them to act responsibly in their own interests (and over time they learn the lesson that if you give up the short term lust for sugar, you'll be rewarded with long term health benefits). When they are adults, they'll thank you that they got there with their teeth intact (sans any bicycle accidents or other kid activities known for tooth removal!)

With adults, the dynamic is different. Adults must be ones responsible for their own actions, and for the adjacent consequences. When we make a choice, we not only choose the action, but we also choose to face the possible outcomes of those actions. They can't be separated - they go hand in hand. Children don't yet understand this and it's one of the primary things we teach them every day as they grow to adulthood. If no one else in his life taught him this, then maybe you're the first. Hopefully you'll be the last too. But protecting anyone from their own actions isn't really helpful to them in the long run. Maybe this situation will be an eye opener for him, and allow him to make better choices in the future, or get him help in learning and understanding what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. All things that will benefit him in the long run, even if the short term "price" is an unpleasant one.

Remember too that in the big picture - you did something priceless for your children: you set a BOLD example of what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. There are WAYYYY too many people in this world who are willing to be abused over and over and over before putting their foot down - and by then you've already taught your children that the behavior should be tolerated. This sets them up to be abusers or abused in their own relationships later in life (but not as late as you might think - new research shows that 1 in 3 high school students have been abused by someone they were dating).

To answer your specific questions, though the charges are felony, it's entirely possible that as a first offense his attorney can get him into one or more treatment programs and if he successfully completes them he might get a reduced charge and/or suspended or reduced sentence with probation.

If you get subpoena'd to appear, please do so for your own sake and the sake of your kids - you don't want to be facing criminal charges of your own for contempt of court. The prosecution can and likely will continue the case even without you. They are used to pursuing domestic violence cases where the victim tries to throw a wrench in the gears to protect the accused. It doesn't work as often as defendants might like.

You might also benefit from attending a group session with your local domestic violence program. They are pretty informal, and you need not talk about yourself or you situation if you're not inclined to do so. You don't need to still be in the relationship, staying at a shelter, or anything else. Sometimes hearing other people in the same boat can help you to sort out your own feelings about such things (and remember too that in addition to guilt, you're also just starting the process of mourning the loss of the relationship). Sit in on one or two sessions and see if it helps you to sort through your feelings.