Domestic Violence And Crazy Girlfriend In Florida

To whomever may be able to help me,

I was recenty envolved in a domestic battery incident where I called the police to defend myself and my girlfriend from my girlfriend. Confused? Please dont be. She has a history of suicidal attempts, if you will. No success obviously, but several threats of suicide.

The facts:
1.) We live in Florida under the same roof for more than 30 days.
2.) I have lived at this residence for 1 year.
3.) She has lived at this residence for 2 months.
4.) She voluntarily gave up 2 of her children so they could live with their grandmother, her mother, 20 miles away, because she felt she was in no condition to take care of them.
5.) I have repeatedly attempted to end this releationship, and have several witnesses to this on several occasions.
6.) She will not leave my home.
7.) She has scars on her forearm that clearly suggest to anyone just meeting her, that she has attempted suicide, or seeks attention by cutting herself deliberately.

Specific facts about why I find myself here:
I was charged with domestic battery for "I grabbed her wrist to try and get the phone back...." She claimed that I threw her on the bed by the face and grabbed both of her wrists.

The fact is, and there's obviously no reason to lie here as this is annonymous, but I had the phone in my hand to start (stated in the police report) and as I threatened to call the police to come and calm her down, she grabbed the phone from out of my hand. I then attempted to grab the phone back emmediately and proceed to call 911. I got the phone back without touching her in an angry manor or in an offensive way. I consider it a defensive move to retrieve my property that was just taken from me while I was being hit in the chest. Am I wrong?

I dialed 911, and began to tell the operator about the situation and she is in the background wispering 'at' me in an angry way, how she wasn't going to let me get away with this etc. I'm sure the 911 system records these conversations and keeps them on record, right? They will clearly hear the pause after i gave her the phone to talk to them, when she placed the phone on the bed and proceeded to again tell me I wasn't going to get away with this... and then turned on the tears.

The officers arrive at my house. They come in and ask her to step outside. They look around to make sure all is well on the inside of the house and then asked me what happened. She was standing there so I suggested the officer talk to her to try and calm her down first. He took her out front and they spoke for what seemed like 20+ minutes. The officer then came in and asked me what happened and before I could exp-lain the situation, he stops me at one point and asks "did you grab her wrist?" I replied honestly stating "I grabbed her wrist to try and get the phone back because she was swinging at me." The officer stops me there, does not allow me to explain further and then steps outside. A few minutes pass and he comes back in and asks me to stand up and turn around. I was arrested for Domestic Battery because I told the truth and she lied. I admitted to grabbing her as she was swinging at me, and she denied ever touching me.

I was taken to jail and released the following day on a $50 bond due to no prior record. I havent has so much as a parking ticket!

I was served a temperary injunction while in jail, and she moved her kids into my house that very day. She contacted a Womens Advocate Group/Organization and they are now helping her. She is pulling out all the tricks on this one. I had 15minutes to grab anything and everything from my house that I might need for the next few weeks and told I could not come back under any circumstances.

She has family that lives 15 minutes away from my house, and I am completely alone in Florida due to being from about 1500 miles away originally. She took my house, my dogs, all my personal posessions etc. and is planning on dragging this out as long as she can.

What can I do? How do I prove my intent was only to help this woman after she lost her home, quit her job and gave up her children? I'm the one who called the police... and I find myself here. I know this sounds opinion based only, but this woman is using a system designed to help REAL women in need, to be vindictive and hurtful. She is angry and will use every recource available to inflict her vendetta upon me.

In desperate need of help....... please write me.
Scared_08

My friend, why have you not engaged the services of a competent attorney?

You need to do that. You need to do that NOW. Do not pass Go, do not stop at Tim Horton's for a donut. Get. A. Lawyer.

Evict her from your house and reclaim your life.

I agree with Missy - you need a lawyer ASAP. It's a big red flag when you have "tried repeatedly to end the relationship" - and when people won't go willingly you sometimes have to bring out the legal guns in the form of eviction proceedings and/or restraining orders to get them out BEFORE they start pulling stunts like this one.

Yes, police keep 911 recordings, but every jurisdiction keeps them for varying lengths of time. Typical is 30 days unless it's a high profile case or the dept. has some reason to think they'll need it later for CYA purposes or it's a "juicy call" that gets put into the training stack. If you think there's info on that call that will bolster your defense, your attorney will need to act to get a copy of the call ASAP - BEFORE it gets erased/recorded over. Don't let the sun go down on Monday without getting this ball rolling - once that recording is gone, it's gone for good!

Thank you kindly for your responses... I'd like to add that I did in fact call my landlord 2 hours after being released from jail, and asked her to proceed with the "3 day" eviction notice. Apparently this is the first step necessary to evict someone, and then you go get something from the courthouse that is, I'm guessing more 'legal'.

I have spoke to several attourneys in the area and all pretty much want $100 just to acknowledge a "hello". On top of that, I'll need $3000 for a retainer fee (cheapest I've found thus far) for the battery charge, and $1500 for the temperary injunction filed. All in all, that $4500 minimum I need to fork out emmediately to "get the ball rolling" on this. I dont have this kind of money. I recently moved 1500 miles to Florida, (1.5 years ago) and I've just not had the opportunity to build up my savings greater than just about $1000 in savings. Suggestions?

I've done my research over the last week, and let me tell you... I am appauled at the fact that there are 7 completely different organizations within this county and the surrounding counties, that will come to the aid of only a woman in this situation... or the situation my soon to be forgotten live in girlfriend is in, but not a single hint of an organization that will cater to only a man. I would think that anyone, regardless of race, religion or sex, would also be dissapointed to learn this.

What has this beautiful country we all live in and refer to as "The Land of The Free and Home of The Brave" become? Should we really continue to pride ourselves on this phrase we claim as our own? From one American to another... the confidence I feel, in living my own life within this country is slowly deminishing.

UPDATE:
She phoned a friend of mine back in my home town and claimed she was going to vacate my home on 4-5-08 and call the sherrifs office and let them know she was leaving my dogs there. (inside dogs)

She also claims she wants to drop all the charges, but doesn't know how. Now, I am playing it cool... I'm not speaking to her, nor am I requesting anyone else talk to her, but I have said things to this friend of mine whom she is speaking to regularly, knowing some things will be repeated.

I know her well enough to know now that she has calmed down, it most likely has hit her as to exactly what she has done here. This friend of mine said "She is going to call the sherrif and see what she can do about dropping the charges, but she doesnt know how without getting herself in trouble for filing a false report." Is there any way around this for her? I'm in no way protecting her! At this point I could'nt care less... however, if it's true that she wants to do these things, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help her along. I mean... this gives me my life back, right?

Also, she and my friend were speaking, and she asked "What if I just dont show up to court?" She seems to think if she's not there, the charges will be dropped and she wont have to admit to changing her mind. I dont believe this to be true. If I have been informed correctly, the state will pick it up and charges continue on, in the battery case. However, the injunction case should be dropped if a 'no-show'? Have I been missinformed?

I'm beginning to think I should just find God and do my good deeds through a church and not make the deed any more personal than it has to be!:wallbang:

Respectfully Yours... Scared_08

Yet another question:

What's the deal with this temperary injunction she's filed? Why is it she can freely call all over town searching for me last night, finally find me at my hotel, and call my room.... yet I cant call, write, email or be within 500 feet of her at any given moment??? Not even to check to make sure my babies (dogs) are being fed and doing ok....

Did anyone bring their thinking cap today? I sure could use some advice...

Hon, we gave you the ONLY advice that's applicable to your situation. A bunch of law enthusiasts on the internet are not going to be able to accomplish for you what a professional can.

Call the local Bar Association and ask after a referral to someone who can either work within your budget or is willing to work out payment arrangements.

She can't drop the charges. The State will proceed regardless of her wishes - this is what happens when you yell "Domestic violence!"

You cannot afford to be without counsel. Beg, borrow, sell plasma, scrounge for recyclables - do whatever it takes to get it.

Court appointed attorney is a bad idea? I mean, this seems to me like an open and shut case... with her easily proven past record.

She pulled her 13 year old child out of school in a different county and moved her into my house the day I was arrested and claimed "I cant move, I have children." It's all right in front of me as we speak... in this injunction paperwork.

I also just received a phone call from the county sheriff stating she called them and that she is vacating the premisses. She said "I'm calling to let ou know I'm leaving his house and he can come get his dogs." But I still cant go near my house according to this injunction. There or not, she has posession of my home till court.

What can I do about my dogs sitting there alone with no food and water?

Hi I see that you posted your case here.

Oh wow, bad situation.

Definitely you need a lawyer. Even though pricey, very necessary. You may be able to put it on a credit card. Or see if you qualify for a public defender.

Even though you may think its open and shut, believe you me, it never is. The prosecuter and all the advocacy groups are fierce and when there is a cry of domestic violence they go on the offensive. (I think they are making up for the years and years of neglect on this issue so they are extra-hyper-vigilent about it these days). Even in my case when I "the puported victim" was insistent that there was NO domestic violence going on in any way shape or form they still arrested my fiance!!! The prosecuter the next day was hesitant to drop the charges even after I explained everything to her the next morning. She told me that she could prosecute regardless of what I said. I was thinking, this is crazzzzzy!!! Are we in communist Russia or China?-What is this faux-paternalistic-its for-your-own-good, we know best-you're just a timid victim who doesn't know better-crap?

Anyhow, in your case with the girlfriend having actually claimed DV, it is a hard situation. I doubt it will be dropped by the state. A defense lawyer would be a good idea. Yes, in your case, if I were the bee, I'd leave that hive too.

Besy of luck.

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Quoting Scared08

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What can I do about my dogs sitting there alone with no food and water?

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Ask your landlord to feed them, or give your keys to a trusted friend to take care of them.

Landlord is a good idea... I guess I wasnt thinking straight in all the frantic frustration lately.

Keep in mind, I live in Florida, 1500 miles away from ALL friends and family. All I've done since I came here is work. I really know nobody outside the office.

Hi scared
Your situation just sucks and I'm sorry to hear that you have to go thru this. Get a GREAT lawyer, not an average one.

In this case...when you get the "b" out of your hive, don't take her back.

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Quoting Scared08

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Yet another question:

What's the deal with this temperary injunction she's filed? Why is it she can freely call all over town searching for me last night, finally find me at my hotel, and call my room.... yet I cant call, write, email or be within 500 feet of her at any given moment??? Not even to check to make sure my babies (dogs) are being fed and doing ok....

Did anyone bring their thinking cap today? I sure could use some advice...

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If you do not want her to call or harass you, you have to file a restraining order on her. In that order ask for visitation of the pets.

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Quoting Scared08

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I've done my research over the last week, and let me tell you... I am appauled at the fact that there are 7 completely different organizations within this county and the surrounding counties, that will come to the aid of only a woman in this situation... or the situation my soon to be forgotten live in girlfriend is in, but not a single hint of an organization that will cater to only a man. I would think that anyone, regardless of race, religion or sex, would also be dissapointed to learn this.

What has this beautiful country we all live in and refer to as "The Land of The Free and Home of The Brave" become? Should we really continue to pride ourselves on this phrase we claim as our own? From one American to another... the confidence I feel, in living my own life within this country is slowly deminishing.

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Missy and others have given great advice - so I'll just give a few comments on this section.

Having worked as an advocate in a domestic violence program here in Florida, (and with hundreds of OTHER shelters across the country via my organization), I completely understand your frustration and feeling that only women get services. HOWEVER, that's not actually the case in MOST places. Women and children DO get to reside in the emergency shelters, because quite frankly they treat the shelter like home, running around in their underwear (or less) and it's excessively unwise to have men living with lots of under-supervised children. There have also been too many cases of abusers pretending to be victims, just to gain access to the shelter to find their ex (one successfully gained access to a shelter last year and shot his ex and a shelter worker). Shelters are run not only like prisons - but secret prisons at that - with MASSIVE amounts of security - and the dynamic of mixing genders won't work (remember these aren't hotels - most are shelters are buildings converted from some prior use - and the most common layout is a big room with lots of bunk beds - some are even just single family homes in the middle of some neighborhood).

Now with that said, most programs DO make their services available to men - but the process is a little different. Remember, at the scene of a crime, the POLICE are usually the ones who suggest shelter in the first place, they are the ones who call ahead, find space, and transport the victim and any children involved. It's VERY rare that a non-profit program has transportation available, due to expense and liability issues and safety issues for the advocates themselves. In our program, no victim could ever approach the shelter on their own. They HAD to go to the police department and the police would escort them or they would follow the police in their own car to the shelter - AFTER the officer confirmed their identity. Why? Because ONE time of an abuser getting his sister to act like a victim so he could "come along to help carry her stuff" in order to hunt down his victim was enough.

So when we had male victims, we had them do the same thing - they went to the police department and one of our advocates went to them. If shelter was one of their needs, we either provided taxi service to a friend or family member (just like we would do with a woman), or we'd put them up in a hotel as our budget would allow (or the local general men's shelter when it didn't since we had "priority" agreements to get our referrals in) - and they were able to receive the same counseling, legal advocacy, court accompanyment, crime victim compensation, and case management as the women - they just received the service at our administrative offices instead of under the shelter roof.

The key phrase in all of the above is "as the budget would allow". If anyone doubts that 90+ percent of non-grant funding for domestic violence programs comes from women (in particular sororities, girl scout troops, the local women's Lions Clubs, the women's auxilary of local churches, etc.), contact your local program or look up their 990's or annual reports online and SEE where the money that supports the programs comes from. There HAVE actually been four different full domestic violence shelters for men that I'm aware of (2 in California, one in Denver, and the 4th escapes me at the moment) - but they all had one thing in common: not only did they get almost ZERO funding from men, but the one in Denver had exactly TWO clients in a year. How can you justify running a whole program (buying a shelter, paying a staff, etc.) for two clients? You can't. It folded. They all folded. There even used to be a national domestic violence hotline specifically for men (run by a woman, actually), that is now "unisex". Same scenario.

I can't begin to guess if this dynamic is because many men are too macho or too embarassed to seek help, or if the problem is exactly the same as the problem that women face: everyone wants services once THEY are the one in crisis - but never once in their life did THEY do anything to support that cause or ensure that services would be available. Shelters get full. Fire codes say that you can only have so many people sleeping on the floor (yep, we had to do that a LOT). Resources are limited so the most serious and dangerous cases get priority and let's face it - statistically speaking, women aren't the ones who go to the ends of the earth to hunt and gun down their ex's. Biased, yes - but factual. (Men are also more likely to have control of financial resources and NOT be burdened with children, so they typically have a greater number of options available.), and THAT is the bottom line of why DV programs - the shelter based programs in particular, cater to women.

But if I get 100 or so emails in a week, about half of them are from men, and those get the same attention and service that the ones from women get (and sometimes no indication is given either way).

If the programs in your area are specifically telling you that they refuse to provide service to you because you are male, get ahold of their 990's or annual reports and find out who is funding them and complain. Or volunteer to be on their board of directors and change it from the inside. Or tell your congressman or the big wigs at your town's foundations to fund a program for men. Or write to Tiffany Carr, Executive Director of the Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence and make a formal complaint and put someone on the spot. Or call those programs and specifically ask to speak to their executive director and find out if this is their program's policy, or if someone was just trying to brush you off (remember a lot of shelters use volunteers with minimal training to answer the phone and it wouldn't be unheard of for a volunteer to just assume they should turn you down based on gender - you might be the only man that's ever called them for service as noted above).

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Quoting aardvarc

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Now with that said, most programs DO make their services available to men - but the process is a little different. Remember, at the scene of a crime, the POLICE are usually the ones who suggest shelter in the first place, they are the ones who call ahead, find space, and transport the victim and any children involved. It's VERY rare that a non-profit program has transportation available, due to expense and liability issues and safety issues for the advocates themselves. In our program, no victim could ever approach the shelter on their own. They HAD to go to the police department and the police would escort them or they would follow the police in their own car to the shelter - AFTER the officer confirmed their identity. Why? Because ONE time of an abuser getting his sister to act like a victim so he could "come along to help carry her stuff" in order to hunt down his victim was enough.

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As an informative note on this area, this is quite the opposite in California. The police might make a call, but it will be a program staffer or volunteer that usually makes the arrangements for housing or transportation (unless you are in one of the three out of 58 counties that do NOT have DV programs ... like mine). There are a number of reasons for this, not the least of which appears to be that the presence of the police at the shelter can tend to "dime off" the shelter's location to neighbors and to suspects. I heard of one such stalker once that chased officer's (by scanner) to DV calls in the hopes of following the police to the shelter assuming they would transport someone to the same one his ex was in.

Obviously, this may vary by state and jurisdiction, but out here most arrangements are made by the shelter staff or volunteers and the police rarely conduct transportation. Also, many programs out here DO allow victims to approach them independently. However, they will usually make them report any physical violence to the police before services are provided. Non-violent "abuse" is outside the realm of CA's criminal statutes, so they won't usually call us for those.

Though I recall getting really suspicious at one shelter program when every victim used virtually the same wording and quoted the 273.5 (felony DV) statute almost verbatim when making their statement. As it turned out, staffers coached the victims what to say and how to say it ... it became quite a stink until they straightened things out.

In any event, thought you might be interested to know that CA often does it a little differently. I have no idea how it works in other states, though.

- Carl

UPDATE:
She phoned a friend of mine back in my home town and claimed she was going to vacate my home on 4-5-08 and call the sherrifs office and let them know she was leaving my dogs there. (inside dogs)

She also claims she wants to drop all the charges, but doesn't know how. Now, I am playing it cool... I'm not speaking to her, nor am I requesting anyone else talk to her, but I have said things to this friend of mine whom she is speaking to regularly, knowing some things will be repeated.

I know her well enough to know now that she has calmed down, it most likely has hit her as to exactly what she has done here. This friend of mine said "She is going to call the sherrif and see what she can do about dropping the charges, but she doesnt know how without getting herself in trouble for filing a false report." Is there any way around this for her? I'm in no way protecting her! At this point I could'nt care less... however, if it's true that she wants to do these things, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help her along. I mean... this gives me my life back, right?

I'm still curious about the above quote... any advice? It's Sunday, I'm in the office... and cant get legal rep. until tomorrow. But rest assured, I will have some type of legal representation. However, on the temperary injunction, I most likely will not. I've been told being as how she has vacated the property, and informed a sherrif of this, and the call was documented, I should just be able to get my home back. The 500 feet distance from her, well I couldn't care less if I ever see her again.

Advice on what?

She may want the charges dropped, but it isn't in her hands anymore.

It is not unusual for an alleged victim to want to change their story.

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Quoting cdwjava

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As an informative note on this area, this is quite the opposite in California. The police might make a call, but it will be a program staffer or volunteer that usually makes the arrangements for housing or transportation ...Obviously, this may vary by state and jurisdiction, but out here most arrangements are made by the shelter staff or volunteers and the police rarely conduct transportation.

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Good points Carl - thanks so much for your response. Things are certainly different not only from state to state, but even county to county within a state. In my county, we're fortunate to have the sheriff as a member of the domestic violence agency's "Founder's Council" and after a record-setting number of deaths several years ago, (and the subsequent formation of a domestic violence task force and fatality review board) it's now standing policy for our deputies and most city officers that for a "just occurred" crime of domestic violence, deputies will bring victims to the shelter if no other safe arrangements can be made (or at least get them to us for safety reasons UNTIL those arrangements can be made). If no particular incident has spurred a victim to seek help (ie law enforcement isn't on scene), our order of events is very similar to yours - we certainly don't anticipate law enforcement to suddenly become a taxi service, I was just specifically addressing situations where either arrest or capias was a done deal and a victim was in immediate crisis. Outside of immediate crisis, we too would expect victims to make their own arrangements to get to us to start the intake process. (Our shelter at that time was directly across the street from law enforcement so it was kind of a "we saw them before they saw us" dynamic where we could size things up before disclosing that they were already there.)

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Also, many programs out here DO allow victims to approach them independently. However, they will usually make them report any physical violence to the police before services are provided. Non-violent "abuse" is outside the realm of CA's criminal statutes, so they won't usually call us for those.

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A lot of programs work this way - and personally, I hate it. Now I'm 100% for accountability, don't get me wrong, and I "get it" that the thinking is that it will force victims to participate in providing accountability for the offender - getting the prosecution ball rolling via the filing of a police report. But the reality of what happens is that victims will refuse service, leaving 5 minutes into the intake interview to return home rather than file a report against the abuser and making things "official". Now they've substantially increased their risk for additional violence (because they left or reached out for help) but haven't benefitted from the receipt of services. Too often the dynamic when you force people into "all or none" situations is that they choose "none" - and end up going from a social services problem to the coroner's problem. One of the things that fatality review boards do as part of their official duties is intense investigation into TO WHOM and HOW did the victim reach out, and how did the responses received (or not received) contribute to circumstances surrounding the fatality. The "all or none" methodology shows up more often than anyone would like to admit. So at least for our program, we STRONGLY suggest the filing of a police report, but we're adamant that services will be provided regardless. Quite often, once they get into a mental place where they realize that they can make it without the abuser, the refusal to file will soften - I guess it's the "you catch more bees with honey" dynamic. (And just as a side note, a lot of times when a report is a prerequesite for ANY type of social service, it's tied to making someone's stats look better for grant reporting, which pisses me off.)

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Though I recall getting really suspicious at one shelter program when every victim used virtually the same wording and quoted the 273.5 (felony DV) statute almost verbatim when making their statement. As it turned out, staffers coached the victims what to say and how to say it ... it became quite a stink until they straightened things out.

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That's really scary. It SHOULD cause a stink, it's rather akin to witness tampering, at a fundamental level. I'd think it points to either burnout on the part of the program workers (jaded and willing to paint outside the lines to "win") or it's a lack of training (or too much crappy training). Just out of curiousity, how or what changed to "straighten things out"? I'd like to address this in one of my future articles for advocates.

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Quoting aardvarc

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Just out of curiousity, how or what changed to "straighten things out"? I'd like to address this in one of my future articles for advocates.

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The short version was that my agency and the DA's office threatened to prosecute for witness tampering or encouraging people to file false reports if the practice was not immediately addressed. Training was changed and advocates were no longer supposed to discuss the victims' statement to police. They had been coached by a small number of counselors that they needed to tell the police that they were injured and had a "complaint of pain" to some part of their body as that was the legal standard at the time for 273.5. Imagine my surprise to hear those words so often ... "He slapped me in the face and I had a 'complaint of pain'." I mean, who says it that way?! This was also back in the days before PC 243(e)(1) and our ability to arrest for a misdemeanor DV not committed in our presence, so we needed either a felony allegation or a citizen's arrest.

It was kept relatively informal, I believe, because they did not want word to leak to defense attorneys that this had happened, because it might force every case that went first to this or one of the other DV advocacy programs in San Diego County to undergo intense and time-consuming examination.

I was not privy to the details as I was only line staff when this came to pass, but as I understand it the internal training program was changed and either a police or a DA representative was brought in to help with their training of staff.

Oddly, that county had a variety of programs ... where I live and work now we have none.

- Carl