Child Custody And Support

Hi all

Our state is Michigan...

My boyfriend has been separated for about a year and a half now, and he and his soon-to-be-ex (the ex) are headed to court fairly soon to battle over custody and child support. For the record, we met about six months after they separated and we have lived together for about eight months. He filed for divorce after she had multiple affairs and finally left him for the last guy.

At first things were 'friendly'; they agreed to joint physical custody. Soon she began to realize that this meant not having the kids (4 & 6) half the time, and so she has filed for sole custody of the kids (she also wants the increased support sole custody would bring). My boyfriend has always taken the high road, never bad-mouthing her in front of the kids, always thinking joint custody was best, etc. Last night, however, we were mulling over the option of going for sole custody ourselves. The kids love and adore both of us, and we have a very loving, caring, stable home. The ex smokes in the car with the kids (who are sensitive to EVERYTHING), she swears like a sailor in front of them (it would make anyone blush), she acts at times like they're a big burden to her, she feeds them TV dinners and fast food all the time, and the oldest is frequently late for school because she misses the bus. She doesn't share important school papers such as conference schedules with us, and to top it all off she deliberately tries to ruin the parental bond between my boyfriend and the kids. Example...they always told the kids that they have two homes now, to help explain the separation to them - Daddy's home and Mommy's home, you live in both homes, sometimes with Mommy, sometimes with Daddy. After a few months the ex told the oldest child that Daddy's home "isn't your home anymore, you moved and now you just visit Daddy. You don't live with him anymore, my apartment is your new home now." This confused the poor thing and really upset us for obvious reasons. It may seem petty to some reading this, but it's important to us. We want the kids to feel that Daddy's home IS still home to them. Plus my boyfriend only has the kids Thursday night through Sunday night, the ex told him that if he tried for any more nights until the custody hearing that she could make it so that he would never see his kids again...

So...my question is...what would it take to get full custody of the kids? I know from what his lawyer has said that Michigan is an assumed joint custody state, and that we shouldn't worry about her sole custody filing, because she has the burden of proof that the kids would be better off without their father. How worried do we have to be about her filing, how hard is it to get sole custody in our state? I don't mind giving her parenting time, but I honestly feel that they are better off living with us. What do judges and Friend of the Court look for when deciding custody? And how can we make sure that even if we don't get full custody that we get equal 50% split right down the middle? My boyfriend doesn't want to be a weekend dad, and he deserves equal time with his kids. He's a terrific father.

Also, he makes considerably more money than she does, but he also works about twenty more hours a week for it, and he gets a third-shift premium. I think Friend of the Court should take that into consideration, and thus award her less money than the calculator will recommend. It just doesn't seem fair that he has to pay more because he works harder for his money. Also he occasionally gets bonuses that are not guaranteed, they are dependent on a number of factors. Sometimes he does not get them...are they still included in the calculations? I think personally that each parent is responsible for half of the cost of raising their children, and if you don't make enough money to pull your weight then that's your problem, not your ex's.

Thanks a lot in advance. I know that's a lot of typing but I felt my questions required all the information I posted.

Read this summary of Michigan custody law.

I should have clarified...if both parents have equal parenting time, 50/50, then there should be no child support. In this example each parent is responsible for half of the cost of raising a child...just because someone makes more money or works more hours doesn't mean that they should have to pay more. It is up to each parent to support their kids, and if they cannot come up with their half of the money to support the kids at their house then that's THEIR problem, not their ex's. The time for parents to support each other is DURING the marriage; when they're divorced they have their own separate households that they alone are responsible for keeping afloat. That is part of being an adult! If a parent needs more money then they need to do what everyone else does - work more hours, get a second job, apply for federal aid, etc. And yes, I felt this way even before meeting my boyfriend. I do not have children but would not accept child support even if I was ever in a position to do so.

That being said, I also firmly believe that if someone does not want to be in their childrens' lives then they should pay child support. If they only have their kids 25% of the time then they should pay for the other 25% of their time that the other parent has them. Fair is fair, and I don't believe the child support system is fair. I read a post earlier about judges getting money for each dollar in child support that they collected. The entire system seems oddly unfair in so many ways...yet too massive to reform.:(

HI

I have some questions that I would like some answers to. Please feel free to comment but keep your hate mail to yourself...this is a chance to express opinions and educate, not be spiteful.

I know that the whole purpose of child support is so that children can enjoy the lifestyle of the wealthier parent at either household. But what if each parent has the same lifestyle before the support order is put in place, i.e. each lives in a nice house and has equally nice furnishings, etc? What if each parent makes enough money to support their kids at their own house? I firmly believe that in 50/50 physical custody instances each parent has a responsibility to provide for their children at their house, and it is not either parent's responsibility to contribute to their ex's household. It takes two people to make children, and they are both equally responsible for support. If one person cannot pay their bills then THEY need to get a second job or put in some overtime, whatever it takes, not their ex. That just seems logical to me. This is especially true for someone who cheats and moves out of the house voluntarily...if they then find themselves in a financial bind, well, that's what you get for cheating. Deal with it.


Now the second part of my pondering...

The way that child support is calculated...why don't they take the first 40 hours of each parent's paycheck and use THAT to calculate support? That way no one is penalized for putting in those long hard overtime hours to get extra money for themselves. Each parent would still pay more if they got a raise or new higher-paying job because that would affect the first 40 hours, but any effort above and beyond the call of duty would benefit them, not the ex. At some point, even in an intact marriage, the kids are provided for and any extra money can and should be used for something else...and when you pass that point your money is yours to keep.



Now the third...hehe I'm almost done...

In the state of Michigan, support is based on the number of overnights a child has with each parent. Why do the courts not look at the amount of time during the day each parent has with a child? It costs a lot to feed a child, entertain them, and care for them during the day, whereas at night, well, they're just sleeping. I would like to know if there is a credit that one could get for daytime 'time' if that makes sense.

Finally, I would like some advice. My boyfriend and I met WELL AFTER his soon-to-be ex-wife left him for her secret boyfriend. He is a wonderful father, and his kids are very close to him. They adore him and cry when they leave him. He hates the fact that he now has to be a part-time father, and at the very least is determined to get 50/50 legal and physical custody of his kids (he has them 50% now). They have not yet gone to court for custody or support, but she filed for sole custody. (she and her boyfriend are having trouble paying their bills (drinking and smoking sucks up their money) and need the extra money. She tried to use the kids as a bargaining chip and offered joint custody in exchange for $10,000):rolleyes: That should tell you what kind of a person she is. Anyway, my boyfriend is crushed at the thought of not getting to put his kids to bed, reading them their customary bedtime stories, missing bathtime and teeth brushing and goodnight kisses, breakfast in the morning, and well, EVERYTHING. How is it fair, with ALL the deadbeat parents in this world that don't care about their kids, that this loving, caring father has to be worried about losing his kids?: :(

Anyone with some helpful hints to help this GREAT dad keep his kids please post a reply or send me a message. I would appreciate any help I can get for him and the kids.


Thanks for reading
K

ThatGirl - I'm not sure how anyone here can help you. You are not happy about the way the CS laws are written in Michigan. No one here (that I know of) is part of the state legislature and therefore we can not re-write the laws to suite your needs.

While the CS laws are not perfect in any state - they are all written with the intent of providing the best financial situation for the effected children. If you feel the laws of your state do are not in the best interest of your boyfriend's kids then I suggest you run for office and get them fixed.

I am NOT trying to get the laws re-written, I am just trying to understand the system. I want whatever is best for any child, and if a parent cannot or will not provide completely for their children then the other parent has that responsibility because they are the parents.

There is one thing I am frustrated about, and to be fair, it seems to affect my view on the courts in general...

How is it fair, with ALL the deadbeat parents in this world that don't care about their kids, that this loving, caring father has to be worried about losing his kids? It's not that he doesn't want to pay support...those were MY questions, not his, and he has never once objected to paying support...he just wants equal time with his kids. I guess the only way you would see what I'm talking about is if you imagine your ex-husband taking your kids away from you...maybe you could see them every other weekend or something like that. It wouldn't be fair, because you're a good parent. It's just frustrating is all.

Thanks for your post, I appreciate your conversation...

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Quoting thatgirl640

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He hates the fact that he now has to be a part-time father, and at the very least is determined to get 50/50 legal and physical custody of his kids (he has them 50% now). They have not yet gone to court for custody or support, but she filed for sole custody. (she and her boyfriend are having trouble paying their bills (drinking and smoking sucks up their money) and need the extra money. She tried to use the kids as a bargaining chip and offered joint custody in exchange for $10,000):rolleyes: That should tell you what kind of a person she is. Anyway, my boyfriend is crushed at the thought of not getting to put his kids to bed, reading them their customary bedtime stories, missing bathtime and teeth brushing and goodnight kisses, breakfast in the morning, and well, EVERYTHING. How is it fair, with ALL the deadbeat parents in this world that don't care about their kids, that this loving, caring father has to be worried about losing his kids?: :(

Anyone with some helpful hints to help this GREAT dad keep his kids

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Just because the mother filed for sole custody does not mean she is going to get it. He already has 50% - unless there has been a MAJOR change in the child's situation a court is not going to take away what he has already been awarded. AND he can counter-file against her for sole custody as well. IF he can PROOVE any thing you have said about the heinous character of his x-wife he MIGHT be able to get a little more time with their kids. But that is a BIG IF and and BIG MIGHT - as the court will not want to un-do the 50% given to the mom unless (you guessed it) there is a MAJOR change in the kid's situation.

My XH has been threatening me for months that he is going to get full custody of our child. He even tried to bring it up before the judge when we were there to modify CS last month. The judge would not hear it as he did not file any papers. Over 10 days have passed since then and he STILL has not filed anything even though he said under other that he is afraid for our kid's safety and well being.

If you boyfriend really thinks his X is just using the kids for money and is an un-fit mother then he needs to actually file something instead of just letting you research his options!

Oh my God thank you for talking with me...

They have not been to court yet...there is a status quo that right now they are sharing custody...yes it does sound so wrong to say the boyfriend's wife, doesn't it :) but they have been separated a very long time and are finally getting around to filing.

We are both researching, I just happen to be on this site.

I posted before about his ex...let me give you a quick run-down...

She does smoke, and I wouldn't care, but she smokes with the kids in the car, and asthma runs in their family, the kids are very sensitive to a lot of stuff, and just recently she cancelled on her daughter's brownie troop outing b/c she didn't have the money, but then let it slip she bought cigs that day. It was only five dollars to go on the outing. Not heinous, but pretty sad to me. I'm sad for her daughter mostly. Anyway, she'll buy cigs, then tell my bf that she can't afford diapers or wipes. :wallbang: Your kids come first!

She swears in front of the kids...a lot. They'll come over and the four-yr-old is saying s**t and d**n and you can bet he didn't hear it here. I asked him where he heard those words and he told me Mommy. I believe it...here's one instance...imagine saying this to your six-year-old daughter...I witnessed it...God Da**it, I already f**king told you, I don't want to play with your stupid f**king dolls! I almost cried at the look on her face.

She deliberately tries to drive a wedge between my bf and the kids with every word, every action, everything. From trying to keep him from his time with the kids to telling them that Daddy's house isn't home anymore for them, it never ends. And I worry that at some point we won't be able to undo the damage.

She feeds them nothing but fast food and TV dinners, and doughnuts for breakfast. We feed them healthy nutritious foods while they're with us...it's actually more expensive to eat out or buy TV dinners than it is to buy the stuff to make spaghetti or grill some chicken. It's not a question of money, it's a question of caring enough to take the time to cook for your kids.

She also has the kids for the majority of the school week, and deliberately has been witholding school papers and appointments from us...i.e. conferences. She never told my bf that there was an appointment...it was sheer luck he talked to the teacher to find out. Come to find out she has been keeping a lot from us...the teacher now makes an extra copy of everything and sends it to us every week...the teacher was very disappointed in the ex's behavior in this matter.

So I guess when you add it all up, she might not be an "unfit parent" but she sure isn't a great one. She acts like the kids are a big burden to her, and my bf makes sure to go the extra mile every minute to let them know how much they mean to him. It's a night and day difference.

And yes, she is just in it for the money, she has admitted as such.

p.s. I'm sorry you have such a horrible xh, it just makes it that much harder...

And this has NEVER been about taking the kids away from their mother. We want 50/50 physical custody, not sole. If it came down to one or the other of them my boyfriend IS the better parent, and he has created a more loving caring home, but it would be too hard on the kids to not see either parent equally. I just worry about the effect her behavior is having on the kids. I could not love these kids more if they were my own flesh and blood and I would NEVER treat them the way she does. Children should be wrapped in loving arms every single day and be made aware of how much they are loved. Period. They are precious gifts from God and should be treated that way.

Thank you everyone.

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Quoting thatgirl640

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And this has NEVER been about taking the kids away from their mother. We want 50/50 physical custody, not sole. If it came down to one or the other of them my boyfriend IS the better parent, and he has created a more loving caring home, but it would be too hard on the kids to not see either parent equally. I just worry about the effect her behavior is having on the kids. I could not love these kids more if they were my own flesh and blood and I would NEVER treat them the way she does. Children should be wrapped in loving arms every single day and be made aware of how much they are loved. Period. They are precious gifts from God and should be treated that way.

Thank you everyone.

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When you appear before the judge when you and your bf get divorced from your wife, make sure you take all of the documentation you have gathered up for the purpose of removing what you referred to as the poor "thing". Protective Services must have mounds of information supplied to them by not only you, but the school staff, the doctors treating the asthmatics in her care and most certainly the father has made many trips to see the caseworker assigned to protect the children.

BTW, when you make your grand entrance, you might find yourself being grandly escorted out. Based on your posts here, your goal is to blow out the Mom's candle so yours will shine brighter. Bet the courts have never seen that happen. You are not a part of the divorce/custody issues.

Good luck and hopefully you'll single handedly get that darned enept court system straightend out.