How Do I Get Custody Of My Son? His Mom And Stepdad Are Addicts With Criminal Records

My son's mother and I were never married. We had a fling at an early age. We have no formal parenting plan. She tells me that she didn't put me on the birth certificate and I've never seen a copy to prove or disprove this. I did conduct my own paternity test which came back positive. I've been paying her child support all along but she has always told me that she doesn't have a checking account so I've always paid her cash (I know, stupid move). She's very manipulative and she has kept everyone; her parents, her friends, and my family very distant from each other so we've never had a chance to compare notes with each other.

She is now married and her current husband beats her. My son has no knowledge of this and he thinks that they just get into arguments a lot. I actually had no knowledge of this until the last time (2 months ago) when she was beaten so badly that her good friend called the police and had him put in jail. She thinks that it's her fault he beats her and so she actually pawned some of her stuff to bail him out. Luckily, the good State of Washington placed a no contact order.

Up until I found out about the beating, she had done such a good job at hiding what was really going on that I had the impression that her life with her husband was just fine and that my son was in a good environment. I never had a desire to take my son away from his mother. Her and I finally get along after years of me kissing her behind, my son for the most part seemed happy and every time I asked how things were at home, he would always say that they were fine.

Because of the recent turmoil, I decided to do some digging and the things I am finding out are devastating me. The things that her parents are telling me; the things that her best friends are telling me, are all terrible. Not only that, but they are telling me that I need to pursue custody; and this coming from people who love her unconditionally. The problem is that I don't think they'll testify. Here is what I have gathered so far.

• She recently went to a 30 day inpatient rehab for alcohol. She was consuming a 5th and a half a day. There obviously is record of this as she was put in detox the night she was beaten. She had threatened killing herself that night so they put her in the psych unit under observation. This is not the first time she's gone to rehab but it was the first inpatient. Her mother also had her committed as a child for threatening to kill her self.
• Her husband is a crack addict. He's been to rehab as well although I do not know if there's any record of his drug use.
• Their home is a public health hazard. (She has never allowed me to come inside, and this is probably why). There is cat feces everywhere including inside my son's room. He has no sheets on his bed. I was told this by her best friend. (she said that she has photos but I don't think she would allow me to use them - she wants to protect herself) Her words to me were "I wouldn't let my dog sleep on that bed" and that if CPS went into the home, they would remove my son immediately. She said that when he was a toddler, the "pot smoke was so thick, you could cut it with a knife."
• Both her and her husband have a criminal background and I do not.
• Because of the no contact order, both her and my son are temporarily staying at a family member's. This has put a strain on my son's education and recently I received a phone call from his teacher saying he is missing a lot of homework and is falling behind.
• She has on numerous occasions, driven drunk with my son in the car with her.

Much of the information above is only hearsay unless I can convince her family and friends to testify against her. Obviously some of this is public record. The biggest concern for all of us is that she had completely lost her sense of reality and she is going to ask the judge to lift the no contact order so that she can move back in with her wife beating husband. Her mother has told me that she has overheard her talking to him on the phone making plans to come back home. This in itself can get her charged with breaking the no contact.

I am at this point desperate. Can I file for an immediate temporary custody order? Do I even have a case? All I ever hear about in Washington State is that the mother is always favored. Since I have never had custody and there is no record (according to her) that I'm even the father, wouldn't it be that much harder for me to gain custody? She has had him for 7 years now. As soon as she has an idea that I am going to go for custody, she is going to make my life hell. She has always threatened that she is going to come after me for back child support and she can be psychotic and harassing. I am engaged to get married and my fiance is all for us going for custody but I'd hate to put her through what I know my son's mother is capable of. She may even try to flee with my son. I have to make this a surprise and try to get a temporary custody order while he is visiting me one weekend.

I own my home, have lived in the same home for 3 years now, and am a white collar professional. My profession is one in which I could obtain many good character references from prominent people. My life is stable and I know now, my son needs to be taken out of this unhealthy environment. I truely care about my son's mother's wellbeing but the only thing any of us can do is try to talk some sense into her. She ultimately is going to do what she wants and it's obvious that all she is thinking about is herself. Unfortunately, my son doesn't have the luxury of choice. His innocence is slowly being robbed from him.

What resource do I have? I'm willing to do anything to get my son away. I'd sell my home to pay for an attorney if I had to. He's an innocent boy and the things that he experiences now will affect him for the rest of his life. I'm angry with myself for not digging into this before. I should have seen the signs...

Any help from you all would be much appreciated.

The 2nd thing you need to do is establish paternity legally - not with your own test. I do not know if the court will allow this for a child of seven - but it is worth a shot. I did not read you whole post - but if you have not already done so you should call child protective services. They will take your report regardless of any relationship to the child.

Forms for establishing parentage (with no legal father previously established) in Washington State.

Quote:

---

Quoting 525601minutes

---

The 2nd thing you need to do is establish paternity legally - not with your own test. I do not know if the court will allow this for a child of seven - but it is worth a shot. I did not read you whole post - but if you have not already done so you should call child protective services. They will take your report regardless of any relationship to the child.

---

I would have gone the legal paternity test route originally but I didn't want to raise any suspicion should he say something to his mom. If she had any idea whatsoever that I was going to try for custody, I'd be afraid that she may try to flee.

As far as CPS is concerned, I've thought about that as well. My concern with that is once CPS gets a hold of the case, I'd be afraid that they would take my son and put him into temporary custody with the State. I don't want to put my son through that. I come from a broken home and my parents went through a divorce and custody battle when I was about the same age. It was extremely traumatic for me. My father won custody and I resented him for taking me away from my mother. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I realized that it was the best thing for me. Not only that, but would it be hard for me to gain custody from CPS? I'm trying to take the path of least resistance although I know that this is all going to be tough.

You said that the child's mother drives drunk with him in the car. I think being severely injured, disabled or killed is more traumatic than the involvement of CPS.

Get CPS involved, you have no way of knowing if there is an open case or not. It will only help your case. Listen, the fact of the matter is YOUR son needs removed from this home. Mom is going to find out and your focus needs to be on getting him out of there. You don't want to be the one planning the funeral when she kills him one night after happy hour. The law is on your side. Make a report after EVERY time. CPS is not quick to place a kid with an unfamiliar family...they do try and place with a family/friend before strangers.
Don't let your experiences with your parents influence your decision with your son....your sons trauma is coming from his current environment...not the future one. Your son is already in a broken home, use your experience to help him and make it a better one.
Your first step is CPS, and then file for paternity as your SOL is close if not up.

Quote:

---

Quoting 525601minutes

---

You said that the child's mother drives drunk with him in the car. I think being severely injured, disabled or killed is more traumatic than the involvement of CPS.

---

Yes, you are right, but I also said that she went to rehab and from my knowledge, is clean at the moment. Also, as I said, both her and my son are staying with a family member and because she is so busy with going to AA, the family member is the one that is currently driving my son to school, etc.

What I am trying to do by posting in this forum, is get logical, calculated advice. I'm trying to keep my emotions out of my decision and do what's right for my son. This is why I didn't try pursuing custody before I found all of this out. I want what's best for my son...even if that means sacrificing my happiness or wealth. I would give my life for my son.

Sorry for the rant.

CPS to me is a last resort. I've heard to many horror stories. My main question is can I file for an immediate custody order just until the courts can decide the primary custody at a later date?

Quote:

---

Quoting gigirle

---

Get CPS involved, you have no way of knowing if there is an open case or not. It will only help your case. Listen, the fact of the matter is YOUR son needs removed from this home. Mom is going to find out and your focus needs to be on getting him out of there. You don't want to be the one planning the funeral when she kills him one night after happy hour. The law is on your side. Make a report after EVERY time. CPS is not quick to place a kid with an unfamiliar family...they do try and place with a family/friend before strangers.
Don't let your experiences with your parents influence your decision with your son....your sons trauma is coming from his current environment...not the future one. Your son is already in a broken home, use your experience to help him and make it a better one.
Your first step is CPS, and then file for paternity as your SOL is close if not up.

---

I actually posted my reply above before reading yours. Thank you. I appreciate your advice. You actually explained why I should go to CPS which helps. Again, I've heard many a horror story about them so I'm a bit apprehensive.

What is SOL?

Statute of limitations...what state are you in? You only have so long to establish paternity with the court and it varies depending on the state. If she has been collecting public assistance, they may come back after you, in which case you really have to get an attorney bc you have been paying her all along and have no record of it. Never pay her again with cash!

Just a thought...since he is staying with family members already, why not just ask her if you can keep him for a bit? She might agree if she is really taking her sobriety seriously.

CPS are just people who enforce laws who protect kids. Somewhere along the line they turned into the enemy. I have a friend who worked for CPS in a major city. She's a physically a beautiful woman...gets put in some of the most dangerous places in town.
She worked there for almost 2 years which is one of the longest there...the job itself has a high turn over rate. She is exposed to stuff I hope my own kids never see. She finally resigned after the local tv station chased HER down for removing 2 children which she had to by law bc the mother burned them. The chances are that it will just open a file, look around and make her clean the place up and keep it clean. Unless of course they catch her drunk, have drugs in the house, etc. Her criminal record probably won't come into play until you fight for custody. Think about it...criminals have children all the time.

Washington State. I just got off of the phone with the prosecuting attorney's office and the "attorney of the day" said he didn't think we had a statute of limitations for establishing paternity. He said he knows that there's a SOL for disproving paternity but he’s not sure about establishing it. He said to check with a family law attorney to make sure. I also asked about filing a temporary custody order and he said that it's possible but unlikely since she has had custody this whole time. He said that the best thing to do would be to hire counsel. My brother spent $30k to get custody of his son. It's unfortunate that fathers in this country have such a small chance of gaining custody of their children; even when the children are in unhealthy situations.