Father Not On Birth Certificate, and Mom Wanting Support After 15 Years

I'll try not to drag this out any longer then needed, but please bare with me.

15 years ago, my girlfriend at the time and I had a little girl together. When my daughter was born, I didn't even hear about it until after the fact. Her mother and I had been feuding about who would be allowed to be in the delivery room, as we both wanted to be in there. It turns out that I got a call at around 3:15am from her mother, telling me that they were at the hospital and our daughter had been born.

Basically, we ended up seperating and she met someone else and ended up marrying this person. I tried to reconcile, but to no avail. I was so traumatized and hurt that I just disappeared from their lives. I never got a chance to bond with our daughter as I never got to spend alone time with her or do anything with her without her mom with me.

My question is this, now after 15 years, she wants to take me to court to have the birth certificate changed, with me added as the father and for me to pay child support from now until our daughter is finished with college. I found out her lawyer wants to nail me to the wall and get all the back child support, even though she says she does not want that to be done.

She swore to me she would NEVER take me to court for support, as the man she married makes good money and takes good care of them. Due to my income, I cannot afford the 20% that Illinois allows to be paid for one child. I offered to give her $300 a month until I can get my finances under control.

Questions:

Do we absolutely NEED to go to court to change the birth certificate? (It means alot to me to have my name on it.)

Just because my name is added to the cert, does that mean I HAVE to pay what the state decides, if my ex and I are set with our own plan?

Will a paternity test be mandatory? I do think I'm her dad, but I would like to see it on paper as a proven fact.

I have a thread of a relationship with my daughter, she doesn't call me dad, and in fact, she is quite mean to me, which I can pretty much understand, I guess. But in my opinion, I was pushed out of her life and never allowed to be acknowledged as part of her life. Now 15 years later, all of a sudden, her mom wants to nail me.

I'm just heartbroken that after 15 years, and her mom excluding me from so much in her life, that now she wants to nail me, when she never agree'd to allow me into her life before.

It feels like a last ditch effort to get money out of me before our daughter gets too old.

I'm scared because I don't make enough to cover the cost of the support the state would require and her lawyer is pressuring her into burying me.

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated.

So noone has any information? Not every father that's not involved did so on purpouse, but I guess I'm getting the stereotype deadbeat treatment.

Sorry to waste everyone's time, I needed help and I thought this was the place to get it.

Happy Holidays everyone.

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Quoting Murk

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So noone has any information? Not every father that's not involved did so on purpouse, but I guess I'm getting the stereotype deadbeat treatment.

Sorry to waste everyone's time, I needed help and I thought this was the place to get it.

Happy Holidays everyone.

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Murk...You posted late last night. We DO sleep you know! You waited 15 years before inquiring about your child yet are impatient that the VOLUNTEERS of this site don't snap to your beck and call in the middle of the night??

It says right in my post that it's Illinois.

And Baystate girl, your comment about waiting 15 years to inquire about my daughter is the same rude mentallity I usually get until people hear the whole story.

You have no right to comment on what and how I do things until you hear the whole story.

I just came asking questions, not to have people come down on me for "assuming" what happened.

I've been edgy since this whole ordeal started and I just wanted some help. That's it.

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Quoting Murk

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It says right in my post that it's Illinois.

And Baystate girl, your comment about waiting 15 years to inquire about my daughter is the same rude mentallity I usually get until people hear the whole story.

You have no right to comment on what and how I do things until you hear the whole story.

I just came asking questions, not to have people come down on me for "assuming" what happened.

I've been edgy since this whole ordeal started and I just wanted some help. That's it.

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I based my answer on what YOU posted. YOU gave up. YOU didn't bother finding out what your rights are as an alleged father until she went after child support. Then you come to a FREE advice site and act snarky because a VOLUNTEER didn't respond in the middle of the night. Don't act like a rude, demanding jerk and you won't get a painfully blunt answer.
You also didn't identify your state until about half way down your post...Instead of at the beginning as required.

Mom can file for support. You can request a DNA test. It is possible that since you were aware that you likely had a child, but chose to do nothing you could have to pay back support...how far back I am not sure. Definitely from the date of filing. IF you are the father you can have your name on the BC. You can also, if proven to be Dad, get visitation with the girl. Be patient with her...she is understandably upset...Hopefully she is getting counseling to deal with this.

Well, my questions still remain unanswered.

Do we absolutely NEED to go to court to change the birth certificate? I've done some research and it seems all we need is the AoP and to send it in to the state. But I don't understand alot of the terminology and neither does my ex.

Just because my name is added to the cert, does that mean I HAVE to pay what the state decides, if my ex and I are set with our own plan?

We are in agreement of what is doable, as far as Life insurance, monthly payment and such.

My thinking is, if we don't need to go to court for the birth cert, and we like the plan we have, there's no need to even go to court. Neither one of us want this to be uglier then it needs to be.

And as for the paternity test, we're going to use one of the acredited home testing labs, just for verification.

I will apologize Baystategirl for being so harsh, but this is a very scary time for all of us. I should be used to people saying, "You gave up." or "You quit on her." But I'm not. It's just incredibly difficult when you are young, have no money, and people keep pushing you away from the thing you love the most. I spared the details of how things got the way they are. I was never referred to as her dad until just this last year. My ex feels terrible about it now and agree's she made a mistake blocking me out. Which is why we're trying to correct some things.

It's not always the man's fault.

But thank you for responding anyway.

Harsh? You've been rude and argumentative from the outset. Nobody is being paid to help you - if you approached a lawyer like this, he would probably reject you as a client. And that's somebody you would be paying.

You need to decide if you want to be a father or not. It's not a mixed deal, where you get to be on the birth certificate but don't have to support your child. If paternity is established, expect a support order.

Is the father's name presently blank? If, for whatever reason, the wrong person is identified as father you should expect to have to go to court to change it. If the wrong person is named, the odds of your being ordered to pay retroactive support go way down.

You don't have to sign or agree to anything without a DNA test, and if a paternity case goes to court you can demand a DNA test.

The father portion of the certificate right now, is blank. Based on the relationship I have with my daughter, I can safely say that visitation is not an option.

My ex is happily married and her husband is the one my daughter looks up to, not me. I will never have a place in her life like that. Trust me, she already said that to me. I will never get to be a dad to her.

So basically, my ex is taking me to court now, because she has the financial means to do so, and she knows I don't have the money to defend it. So I'll be paying for a child that hates me and won't let me become anything more then a stranger.

I missed out on her life and I'm dealing with that everyday.

As long as it's been, I don't see why I should have to pay for a child I will never have a relationship with. I won't get the satisfaction of having her know that I'm doing it because I love her.

Noone ever understands how this is for me. The few people that have responded here, obviously don't.

I didn't just get up and leave my kid. I was pushed away and had no financial means to do a thing about it. Now that my ex has enough money to screw me even more, she plans on doing it.

To her, I'm not her dad, to her mom, I'm not her dad. Why should I pay anything? I get absolutely nothing out of it. No visitation, no family, nothing.

It's too late.

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Quoting Murk

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The father portion of the certificate right now, is blank. Based on the relationship I have with my daughter, I can safely say that visitation is not an option.

My ex is happily married and her husband is the one my daughter looks up to, not me. I will never have a place in her life like that. Trust me, she already said that to me. I will never get to be a dad to her.

So basically, my ex is taking me to court now, because she has the financial means to do so, and she knows I don't have the money to defend it. So I'll be paying for a child that hates me and won't let me become anything more then a stranger.

I missed out on her life and I'm dealing with that everyday.

As long as it's been, I don't see why I should have to pay for a child I will never have a relationship with. I won't get the satisfaction of having her know that I'm doing it because I love her.

Noone ever understands how this is for me. The few people that have responded here, obviously don't.

I didn't just get up and leave my kid. I was pushed away and had no financial means to do a thing about it. Now that my ex has enough money to screw me even more, she plans on doing it.

To her, I'm not her dad, to her mom, I'm not her dad. Why should I pay anything? I get absolutely nothing out of it. No visitation, no family, nothing.

It's too late.

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The thing YOUR not getting is you absolutely DID have legal options to have a relationship with your child. You may not have been aware of them because you didn't bother looking into it...but they were there. I have seen 18 and 19 year old boys file Pro Se and fight for their children. Age is not an excuse for not fighting for your rights as a parent.

But whatever is the cause of this situation, the fact remains IF this girl is your daughter you must support her. It is your obligation as a parent.

Do not pay a dime until a DNA test is done. For all you know you might not even be her father.

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The father portion of the certificate right now, is blank. Based on the relationship I have with my daughter, I can safely say that visitation is not an option.

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visitation is most definitely an option. It is your option. As the legal father, you have the right to petition for visitation.

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As long as it's been, I don't see why I should have to pay for a child I will never have a relationship with.

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because she is still your child that you made, along with the mother and your legal liability does not end until your daughter is of legal age.

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I won't get the satisfaction of having her know that I'm doing it because I love her.

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again, up to you. If you petition for visitation, unless there is just cause for not allowing it, you should be awarded at least some visitation. It would most likely be supervised or as an observed visitation due to you lack of involvement with your daughter all this time, but you will get visitation.

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Noone ever understands how this is for me. The few people that have responded here, obviously don't.

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the few people that responded have offered you much more than you really deserved. They are both intelligent folks that offer pretty accurate advice and direction. You, on the other hand, came across as deserving and rude. Not a good place to be when asking for "FREE" help and direction.

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I didn't just get up and leave my kid. I was pushed away and had no financial means to do a thing about it.

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As bay stated, things can be done with a minimum of expense if one is willing to do the work.

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To her, I'm not her dad, to her mom, I'm not her dad. Why should I pay anything?

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and repeating; because the girl is your child and therefore, your financial responsibility to aid in her upbringing.

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I get absolutely nothing out of it. No visitation, no family, nothing.

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and repeating; that is up to you. If you fail to take the actions necessary to achieve any of those things, then it will be your fault.

this is an excerpt from Illinois statutes:

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(b) The court shall order all child support payments, determined in accordance with such guidelines, to commence with the date summons is served. The level of current periodic support payments shall not be reduced because of payments set for the period prior to the date of entry of the support order. The Court may order any child support payments to be made for a period prior to the commencement of the action. In determining whether and the extent to which the payments shall be made for any prior period, the court shall consider all relevant facts, including the factors for determining the amount of support specified in the Illinois Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act and other equitable factors including but not limited to:
(1) The father's prior knowledge of the fact and
circumstances of the child's birth.
(2) The father's prior willingness or refusal to
help raise or support the child.
(3) The extent to which the mother or the public
agency bringing the action previously informed the father of the child's needs or attempted to seek or require his help in raising or supporting the child.
(4) The reasons the mother or the public agency did
not file the action earlier.
(5) The extent to which the father would be
prejudiced by the delay in bringing the action

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Take note of the highlighted sections. It seems most of the relevant facts considered are item that would play into your ability to refute the payments of CS prior to some relatively recent time.

from what I have read is if a court becomes involved in the CS amount, they will start at the minimum suggested guideline of 20% of NET pay. I would suggest that your agreement of a lesser amount may not be allowed.

Well, I contacted a lawyer and gave him the quick run down of the situtation. Basically he said she can take me to court but due to the fact she waited 15 years to do it, the judge will seriously investigate why. He came out and said more then likely the judge would dismiss her claim for any back support. But he needs more info from me to come to a more concrete conclusion.

I just talked to my ex yesterday and when I brought up the fact I wanted to do a paternity test, she erupted on me, saying she was definitely going to make sure I paid her everything now and she didn't care how much my life got screwed up. I pointed out the paternity test was more for me than anything. With a kid that will probably never know me as dad, that test is like the holy grail to me.

She said by me doing that, I was treating her like one of these women on Maury that needs to test 15 guys or so to find out who the father of her kid is. I assured her that was not the case but I basically just got screamed at.

This should be interesting. Thanks for all the responses.

sometimes the phrase:

me thinks thou do'st protest too much

has a place.