My Partner's Dad Wants Him to Get a DNA Paternity Test

hi there, I have been in an on anf off relationship with someone who suffers from schizophrenia, this is why is has been on and off,,because he is unstable. we have just had a baby who is 3 months old. my boyfriend knows he is the daddy, but his dad,who is not ill at all,,encourages him to make a DNA test and also is willing to pay for it and then his son will pay him back in time....I know my boyfriend only wants to do the test to have his dad happy, because he said he wants to be a proper grandad for the baby, (buy him presents, babysit...) so he wants to be sure the baby is really his grandson,,,, I don't want to to the test, no because I have slept with more men (I lost my virginity with this guy and haven't been with anyone else), but because I reckon he must trust me and tell his dad to mind his own bussiness,,
what do you reckon??? I obviously don't want his dad to be around the child at all as when my boyfriend has been in hosp due to his illness, his dad never was in touch with me, he never talks to me, we are not close at all,,,maybe he does not like me,,,I don't know,,but he only makes problems, he never helps...and he knows his son has a lot of problems in life fue to his illness and instead of helping him, he is making him more paranoid by telling him things against me,,, I reckon my boyfriend should trust me and tell his dad this,,and if his dad does not want to be involved in the baby's life,,I don not care at all,,,I just want my boyfriend, me and our baby to be happy and don't care about other people's comments.
thanks for reading

And how does the child's father feel?

saw him this morning and he said that he knows baby is his but he wants his dad to have peace of mind,,,Since I become pregnant he knows baby is his, but his dad keeps telling him to make a DNA test so he is confused and does not know who to believe,,,remember he is schizophrenic,,,,

So why not give your fiance some peace of mind. A modern DNA test should be accomplished with a cheek swab - easy and painless.

shouldn't he trust me?? why should I do it? just because baby's grandfather does not trust me??? just because my boyfriend is not strong enough shut his dad up????

Quote:

---

Quoting EvaM

---

shouldn't he trust me?? why should I do it? just because baby's grandfather does not trust me??? just because my boyfriend is not strong enough shut his dad up????

---

Trust has nothing to do with it. A DNA test, as already stated, is very simple and painless. So, why not go ahead and get the test? The more you dig your heels in, the more your BF might end up wondering exactly why you won't do it and become suspiscious.

It will be much easier for everyone if you get the test, then both you and your BF can look at the grandafather and say- Told you so.

Your BF already told you he trusts you. Maybe he finds this the easiest way to shut dads mouth. I suspect it will make life easier for all involved to do this.

After all, hopefully, your BF still wants to have contact with his father. If that will make their relationship better, why not do it?

HI ya, many thanks for your comments,,but I still reckon that if my boyfriend asks me to do a DNA test, (even if it is to shup his dad up), is because he is suspicious that I have slept with someone else. The way to shut his dad up is to tell him -listen dad,,I love Eva, I trust her,,leave us alone...-. Anyway I guess I'm fed up. It is not that our relationship is wonderful and we only need to sort this out and carry on as normal. Since the baby was born my boyfriend seems to have been doing a campaing against me. My mum came from Spain to help us with the baby and my boyfriend started to shout at her and tell her "bitch why don't you die" just because he felt pushed away when my mum was just trying to help with the newborn. Then He gave money he previously saved for the baby, to a friend of his, then I told him about my sexual fantasies and he got worried and taped me and showed it to the police and social services, and now social services reckon I need counseling. I'm happy in the way I'm and I look after my child very well, I just want some peace and that my boyfriend trust me, in the same way I trust him when He pops over a girl-friend's and stays with her until late at night. You all take care :-)

Quote:

---

Quoting EvaM

---

HI ya, many thanks for your comments,,but I still reckon that if my boyfriend asks me to do a DNA test, (even if it is to shup his dad up), is because he is suspicious that I have slept with someone else. The way to shut his dad up is to tell him -listen dad,,I love Eva, I trust her,,leave us alone...-. Anyway I guess I'm fed up. It is not that our relationship is wonderful and we only need to sort this out and carry on as normal. Since the baby was born my boyfriend seems to have been doing a campaing against me. My mum came from Spain to help us with the baby and my boyfriend started to shout at her and tell her "bitch why don't you die" just because he felt pushed away when my mum was just trying to help with the newborn. Then He gave money he previously saved for the baby, to a friend of his, then I told him about my sexual fantasies and he got worried and taped me and showed it to the police and social services, and now social services reckon I need counseling. I'm happy in the way I'm and I look after my child very well, I just want some peace and that my boyfriend trust me, in the same way I trust him when He pops over a girl-friend's and stays with her until late at night. You all take care :-)

---

Do you know that trust is often something that has to be earned?

Why should your BF trust you, when you are NOT willing to do a very simple thing to instill trust?

This is just a personal opinion- but from what I've personally seen, 9 times out of 10 when a mother is so adamant against getting a DNA test, it turns out that her refusal to do so is because SHE has her own doubts as to the true paternity.

If your BF were to file with the court, the court will order you to do a DNA and, you would have no choice at all.

Thanks for your reply Xena.

It seems very easy to talk when you are not in my shoes. If you love your partner and he loves you back and you just had a child, would you like that he asks you for a DNA test??? My mom and my dad had two children, me and my sister and my dad did not do a DNA test,,couples are having kids every day and not every single man is doing a DNA test,,, it is only done when there are suspicious of the woman having any affairs. Me and my boyfriend has been together for 3 years now and it is unfair that he pays attention to his dad instead of showing me respect and trust me.
If he insist in having a DNA test done, I will accept of course,,,but he will lose me as a girlfriend,,,and then he will have a piece of paper showing that the is truly the daddy of our baby,,but because he did not show any love and respect for me,,,he does not deserve my love.

If you would approach this in, dare I say, a more adult state of mind, you would get over yourself, allow the test, and get on with your life.

It's not all about you.

I would said, -it is not all about him and everything has to be done in the way he wants-. I reckon if he is a proper man, he should protect me from his dad's opinions and fight for me and our love if necessary shutting his dad up. why do I have to prove anything? Have I done something wrong? Have I cheated on him? NO, so,,,,

You really don't get it. In your mind, "if he's a proper man", everything he thinks and does should be about you. That's called narcissism.

Think about him for once. (Maybe even for the first time.)

Okay, in a 'normal' situation your upset would be valid. You're in a comminted relationship, you've been faithful, there is no doubt, and you are being questioned.

However.....

You are dealing with schizophrenia. The man has a mental illness. Why not suck it up and give him the damn test!?

What are you going to do if something bigger comes along someday, such as him having a total breakdown?

I just think that given that you are involved with someone who has mental health issues you are having too much of a pity party for yourself.

Have you considered, just once, the fact that his father sees that he is vulnerable and is doing everything he can to protect his son? If this were YOUR child, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make sure he (or she) is protected?

If your bf is the dad, no harm, no foul AND you get the satisfaction of gloating over the fact that you were right from the beginning. (I caution you to keep the gloating to yourself).

If your bf is NOT the dad and that is why you are refusing the DNA test, that says more about you than anything else. If that is the case, we get why "Daddy Dearest" doesn't like or trust you.

At this point, you are doing exactly what you need to do to destroy any chance that he will ever trust you. If Dad has this much influence over his son, it won't be long before Dad's distrust trickles down and becomes your boyfriend's mistrust.

hi ya and thanks for your replies,,, I understand that he has got a mental illness and thats why I have been doing more than him in our relationship, I think its time He does the same for me once. My parents and friends were against him and me being with him because of his ups and downs with me,,,and I said to them -listen, I do love this guy and I accept him in the way he is and I don't care what other people say-. I have lost friends because of this, but I don't care. Why doesn't he do the same??? Why doesn't he tell his dad to shut up???
I also feel hurt because since I became pregnant I have been telling him how special and important this child is,,only because is HIS. I was talking with my mum the other day and telling her that if the baby wouldn't be Paul's, I would give it for adoption. My mum was in shock and was telling me that no matter who the daddy is, he is still my son and I should love him. I reckon that if I'm raped, I would not keep the child, as I don't want to carry a baby who belongs to a bloke I don't love. All this I told my boyfriend,,,when the baby was born and I was still recovering from general anesthesia as I had a caesarean, I told him -is the baby as beautiful as you???- And my boyfriend told me that really touched his heart.....So if he asks me to do a DNA test,,,he is not only telling me -Cheater- he is also thinking I'm a liar and that all this I have been telling him are lies....
This is the reason I'm hurt,,, of course, is finally the test is done, everyone will see I was always right,,,but it will be too late,,,my boyfriend must trust me,, not trust a piece of paper,,that is not fair....

Everything you write screams "I'm selfish and immature". It's so easy to do something to put others' minds at ease but "it's all about you". You would rather create endless drama and inflict pain on others than make a tiny, painless gesture.

If you choose to live your life like this, you're going to either have to find a lot of people who will put up with your selfishness (I suspect that's why you picked your boyfriend), you'll leave a lot of damage in your wake (including to your child), and you'll probably be miserable a lot of the time. It's a lousy way to live

My gosh, OP...how old are you? You seem to be caught up in some romantic fantasy.

Here's the reality. You are involved with a mentally/emotionally unstable person. (I won't say man because you sound like you are about 15.) You chose to bring a child, who may or may not be this person's child, into an already volatile and unstable situation. Now, when his father is urging his son to get a DNA test for his protection, you take it as a personal challenge and come up with the idea that everybody is out to destroy your relationship. What you don't understand is that you are destroying it all on your own.

If the father of the baby demands a paternity test through the court, you will have no choice other than to make the baby available for testing. Depending on your bf's age and legal status as far as dependency, the father could possibly be able to petition for paterntiy testing on on his son's behalf. Granted, it seems to be a slim possibility. What I don't understand is why you are so self centered that you would purposely cause mistrust and anguish in an already difficult relationship.

Just have the test. You say, "but he should just trust me." Now, why don't you look around (on this site, even) and find out how many men trusted the women when the said the babies were theirs. Now check out how many are finding out years later that that was a lie.

Have the test. Grow up. Move on.

Why are you insulting me? I'm 25 and the baby's dad is 29, we are not children. I have posted about my boyfriend's dad in an english forum www.bounty.com and the replies have been very different,,,they also say I should do the test as my boyfriend is mentally unwell, but they also say his dad is in the wrong by asking him to do a DNA test when is nothing of his bussiness.
someone called finalpanda said:

"Your partners dad is a little strange. If he is going to pay for this test then your partner shouldn't have to pay him back. I really don't know anything about your partners condition, but at a guess I think the best thing to do is to sit him down. Say to him "This baby definately is yours, we will take the test your dad will pay for if you really want to do that, but you shouldn't have to pay him back as you already know the baby is yours, and the test will prove that." Then go on to explain that you and your partners child really love him and that you are his new family now and that's all the love he will ever need, because I really can't seeing the grandad being a proper dad or grandad from what you have said. It sounds like the grandad is brainwashing his son...

someone called bigmom04 said

"He shouldn't have to take one if he is is the only guy you have ever slept and to be honest that should be good enough for his dad!"

someone called catnkitten71 said

"Hiya, it all sounds a bit complicated, but my first thoughts are that your bf is still tied to the apron strings of his parents. I've seen it with most of my ex's - his parents call and he comes running. Now i'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, BUT he needs to grow up a bit and take on the whole responsibility of HIS family now."

These are the answers and advices I wanted to hear in this forum, but I see that is not possible with people like you.

Nobody here defended your boyfriend's dad. It is none of his business.

But that's a separate issue from your selfishness. Grow up.

Quote:

---

Why are you insulting me? I'm 25 and the baby's dad is 29, we are not children.

---

I asked a legitmate question based on the style of your posts and the attitude and mind set that come across.

Quote:

---

These are the answers and advices I wanted to hear in this forum, but I see that is not possible with people like you.

---

If you already read the replies that you were seeking, then why continue it here? Also, are you in the UK? Do you realize that this forum is primarily for US law?

No matter what country you are in though, it still seems that you have a bit of growing up to do. Good luck.

I joined this forum by mistake, did not know it was only for USA law. Anyway, if my boyfriend's dad is in the wrong? why do I need to grow up? All I say if that my boyfriend's dad should not interfere in our relationship and if he does, my boyfriend should shut him up, instead of asking me to allow the test.
I don't know if you realize about the fact that when his dad tells him to do a DNA test as maybe the baby is not his, He is calling me a Whore,,,who does he think I am?? Why would I have any interest in saying my boyfriend is the daddy if he is not??? He does not work, he is mentally ill, he has not money, he lives on benefits,,, could I take any advantage saying that I have got his child??? None.
And for Jojo4...his dad is not protecting his son,,,when he has been ill and admitted in the hospital, he was not there for him,,,he was on holidays,,he never cares for his son and now that his son is starting a family and could improve his health and be happy, he comes to make trouble,,,

Everybody expressed their opinion.

Now, do you have question that needs a general legal answer? (one that pertains to US law)