Petition for Visitation After Three Years Without Contact

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: WI

I have 3 children with my ex. They're now 6, 6, 8. We were together for seven years. It was a toxic environment and I was physically and emotionally abused. I broke up with him 3 years ago and tried to work amicably and share placement (without courts) and this worked (kind of) for two weeks before he attacked me (in front of our oldest-this was common though) and the neighbors called the police and he was charged with felony strangulation and battery with domestic enhancers and a few other things (plea bargain-all chargers dropped but battery w/ domestic) (no previous abuse was on record) I followed the books, got a temp restraining order, followed by a 4 year domestic abuse injunction. I asked the commissioner for the order to be amended to allow text communication between us, 5 messages from him a day, solely in regards to his children.
In my state, the unmarried mother has full custody unless the courts say otherwise. So I have sole custody. For three months we would arrange a day or overnight, that was typically given less than 24 hours notice. (Example: at noon on our daughters birthday he asked to have them) I typically bent over backwards, sending everything the kids would need (diapers, shampoo, toothbrushes, clothes, packed cold lunch for next day) until it became a regular and weekly thing and he had a stable place to live. I then asked for him to provide those things for them because he should and he give me atleast 24hrs notice before the day he wanted them (hard to find someone to be the exchange location on short notice) (also I haven't filed for child support at this time)

To which he responded that it was bullshit and he was sick of jumping through my hoops. He told the kids he wasn't going to be their dad. He was never going to see them again. He called me, screaming (allowed in emergencies regarding children) saying he was going to kill himself, sign his rights away. (In front of kids he was going to have overnight) and had his father drop them off at 10pm on a school night in total hysterics over not having a daddy anymore.

Two days later he texted saying he didn't mean it and he wanted to see the kids.

I said NO WAY you are clearly unstable and I don't want you to see them until you get some sort of help and then we can talk about safe visits in a third party location with a professional to supervise.
He agreed that he needed help. But never followed through.
A month later still didn't need help he's fuxking happy and I'm a bitxh that needs to get over him.

I realized demanding him to get professional help was not my place and just said that I talked to a company that offers 3rd party supervised visits even if it's not court ordered. I gave him the name and number and said payment would be his responsibility. Call and they'll call me and we'll figure out a regular and consistent schedule.
Never did.
Every few months he'd text about the kids and seeing them but I've stood my ground on this. I filed for child support (which he intentionally hid from) and then when they found him he was giving me money so he should be able to see his kids.
I still told him to do what I said or take me to court.

It's been three years now.
He's finally filed for visitation.
I'm torn. I'm happy he's finally doing something. But now, it's been so long and his children have adjusted from our life and grown so much without him I'm scared they might regress.
The judge asked him what he wanted and he had no idea. You could tell he hadn't even thought about what exactly he wanted.
She asked me what I thought. I said I did not agree and that I felt supervised visits still seemed best. She said it's been a long time and they don't know this man and it's an unfamiliar environment and it's probably not best.
We then filled out paperwork for a guardian.

Now what?
He is clearly a pathological liar. He was very clearly unstable. He would constantly tell me he was sober and clean but I had access to his FB messages where he's selling and smoking and doing patches and pills and H and slang things that I dont even know.
Though he has changed his password a while ago and his text demeanor has changed... people this messed up don't truly change THAT much??? I'm scared for my children. They think the moon of him. My now 8 year old doesn't remember how she would call me retarded and a motherfuxker. She doesn't remember all the terrible things she saw. She just knows I would make him angry and that she loves her daddy very much.
(We talk about how we miss him, almost weekly, and how he's just not ready to be a daddy and he has my number, he knows what to do when he's ready to see them again. He loves them very much. Blah.)

What should I do? I obviously don't want him out of their life (I mean-a very small part of me absolutely does) but. I dont think that's best for them. I don't know what's best for my children anymore. Should I gather all the texts from the last 3 years (even though I don't have anything from the last 8 months?) and all the FB messages about drugs and just be like "here: he's a liar"
I really thought that at least 2 years of supervision would be good. Because anyone can put up a show for a few months, maybe a year. But 2 takes dedication (something he doesn't have)...but the judge doesn't seem to agree?

Am I in the wrong for what I'm doing? Was "keeping him away" bad on my part? I felt like, since I couldn't be there nor trust his family (since they knew and were present for some abuse) it was my only option. And putting my children in whatever drug environment he had was worse than demanding supervision that never happened. Knowingly putting them in a bad situation seems like a terribly dumb idea. But there was a time when he lives with his aunt and uncle and I still stuck to my guns about supervision. He blamed me for everything that happened. He said I was keeping them away from him. And Yes, in a way I was, but I gave him the name and number. I explained everything to his aunt and gave her the name and number and NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
But it was also his deluded "nothing is my fault everything happened to me and it's all someone else's fault" trash talking that helped me stick to my guns. Because he doesn't accept responsibility and I think he would tell the kids his jaded perspective. Which they don't need to hear.
If it was me, I would have called that number so fast. Paid whatever fee they charged.

Court orders benefit the children as well as define the rights and responsibilities of the parents. Get an attorney and file!!!

You also should go to counseling. You need an unbiased, trained individual to help you sort things out. You seem desperate, and you have emotional as well as legal issues. DO this both for yourself and your children.

You are not going to like what I have to say, but I think that you have really messed up here. In all sorts of ways.

Having weekly "your daddy loves you" sessions with the children was a huge mistake in my opinion. Saying that he just wasn't ready to be a daddy was ok, but you have made him into some special person and your 8 year old clearly is going to easily be manipulated into blaming you for everything. The other two may as well. You have also set them up for potentially serious disappointment.

I understand why you cut dad off...he was violent with you so you could not supervise visits, he was clearly unstable, and there wasn't anyone else you could trust to supervise...however, that probably was not the best thing to do. Finding some way to continue contact between dad and the children probably would have been better.

No judge is going to put a parent on supervised visits for two years. Either the parent is never going to be safe enough to have the children unsupervised so supervision is more or less a permanent thing (or at least an open ended thing), or the parent needs to be supervised to get to know the children again, and that is relatively short term.

You need an attorney. You need to ask the judge to drug test dad (and you will have to be drug tested as well) or you won't be able to get his drug problems into evidence.

You're correct. The weekly talks are more so 2 or maybe 3 times a month instigated by the child who misses their father and more or less me not knowing what to say.
I agree that contact with the kids could have continued via phone, but with the restraining order that was/is kind of difficult. Also, it is a very real fear/concern that the phone calls would be abused, as was the texting amendment, where the phone calls would be more about me and wanting to talk to me versus them. He did violate the injunction in 2016 a week after the twins birthday (with no acknowledgment of that event) on Easter and spent 5 minutes taking pictures of him and the kids and literally 40 minutes going face to face with my boyfriend about having me come outside and who has the dick in the relationship and all sorts of terrible things. We did do phone calls when he had them overnight and I could talk to the kids after school, but again, he was trying to talk to me.
I figured that I should get a lawyer but that's a hefty fee but I don't know anything about the court system.
I have no problem doing as many drug tests as they need from me.

Quote: "Every few months he'd text about the kids and seeing them but I've stood my ground on this. I filed for child support (which he intentionally hid from) and then when they found him he was giving me money so he should be able to see his kids."

So he is paying child support regularly? Just asking, of course it's not a "pay for visit" proposition. But he's definitely not going to cooperate with too much supervision of any kind. It's really classic addict behavior you're describing, he is really a messy individual, and you need legal representation AND counseling, as has been suggested here. I suspect that he will never cooperate with any kind of court ordered schedule for visitation, as that would make him less of a "swinging d---" and he can't have that. Ego. He wants to control when he sees the kids. But you need to protect yourself from him getting a new girlfriend who wants to make him into the wronged father figure and go for full custody (with no child support) or something like that. The best way to do this is take the current situation to a real court order. This means you need an attorney, very soon.

You can start out by searching family law attorneys in your area who do free consultations. That's usually about 30 min free to at least get a start and some guidance.

The lawyer I found and hired for my divorce I found after looking around. He was, at the time, working from home so I didn't have to pay a retainer. He told me it would cost about $1500 and I paid $500 over 3 months. Actually the first time I talked to him was while I was married to my then husband to get guidance on his first ex wife and her contempt of visitation. Two weeks later, I ended up kicking him out and calling up that lawyer to file for divorce.

I had started looking for a divorce lawyer about three months before I did file. I did talk to a few about consultations and one said, after I told my story, he'd waive his consultation fee to speak with me. But I let it go and stayed another few months.

Point is - you don't buy the first car you look at right? Shop around for a lawyer and some might help you out and make a deal on price.

I filed for child support in sept./oct. of 2015 and they "found" him in March of 2016. He was able to float from job to job until feb/mar of 2017 when his uncle hired him and I've been getting somewhat regular payments since then. The "paying me" text occurred after our court date to establish child support order. He still hasn't paid at that time.
Of course he won't cooperate, that's why it's been 3 years. The judge warned him that it is going to be a loooonggg road to see the kids involving therapy and classes and such.
He did have a cute 19 year old girlfriend that promised to help with lawyer fees and helping him get his kids. It was really terrible, seeing the same gaslighting and lies in their relationship through my access to his messages and not being able to do anything about it. She committed suicide by heroin overdose last summer.

I have recently contacted the person at the local Family Violence Association place hoping she could give me some advice (not legal advice since that's not allowed) she did give me the numbers to a few lawyers they work with that are income based/domestic abuse orientated.
Planned on calling around tomorrow.

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Quoting Cm1234

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I filed for child support in sept./oct. of 2015 and they "found" him in March of 2016. He was able to float from job to job until feb/mar of 2017 when his uncle hired him and I've been getting somewhat regular payments since then. The "paying me" text occurred after our court date to establish child support order. He still hasn't paid at that time.
Of course he won't cooperate, that's why it's been 3 years. The judge warned him that it is going to be a loooonggg road to see the kids involving therapy and classes and such.
He did have a cute 19 year old girlfriend that promised to help with lawyer fees and helping him get his kids. It was really terrible, seeing the same gaslighting and lies in their relationship through my access to his messages and not being able to do anything about it. She committed suicide by heroin overdose last summer.

I have recently contacted the person at the local Family Violence Association place hoping she could give me some advice (not legal advice since that's not allowed) she did give me the numbers to a few lawyers they work with that are income based/domestic abuse orientated.
Planned on calling around tomorrow.

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Why and how are you accessing his communications?

Thanks for the advice!

I'm not sure what happened to my reply...
But we were together for over 7 years. We had a cell phone plan together in my name. Therefore, I inherited all old phones too.
I had turned on a phone (at the time not knowing whose it was) and once hooked up to wifi I instantly started receiving messages. Drug deal related messages. From the man that claimed to be drug free and was threatening to take my children away. Of course I opened his messages. If it meant protecting my children.

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Quoting Cm1234

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Thanks for the advice!

I'm not sure what happened to my reply...
But we were together for over 7 years. We had a cell phone plan together in my name. Therefore, I inherited all old phones too.
I had turned on a phone (at the time not knowing whose it was) and once hooked up to wifi I instantly started receiving messages. Drug deal related messages. From the man that claimed to be drug free and was threatening to take my children away. Of course I opened his messages. If it meant protecting my children.

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How did you inherit all old phones? My ex husband was on my plan until last year. I made him give me his phone back after he got out of jail in like April 2016 (because I bought it) and he did. I think he erased all the messages though. I let my daughter play with it for awhile. Then I stupidly let him have it back - but he was still on my plan. I could see who he called. Figured out the numbers and all his drug dealing friends. But I didn't "inherit" all the old phones just because he was on my plan. I took him off my plan finally in May last year once the contract was up. I kept trying to get it back but now it's likely locked up with the few belongings he had on him when he got arrested in October.

I won't lie - I would look at his texts when we were together. He was a compulsive liar. I'm glad I don't have that toxicity around me or our daughter right now.

Originally, I probably wouldn't have everything I have now. I was willing to give up everything from our life together just to get away. I wanted to. "Start Fresh."
But, as it happened, he attacked me one last time and the restraining order was placed to our address and he was the one that had to vacate; not me.
The police came and he collected his things in two days. All of our Tv's and computers and game systems were on his list of things to take along with all of our tools and his clothes. Old cell phones weren't on his radar. He still had his current cell on my plan and we worked out that he would pay his half of the bill to use it or I would report it as stolen.
I was never snoopy. I never looked at his phone and I wouldn't have tried to access his messages had they literally not been handed to me on a silver platter.
Like I said, he has since changed his password and I no longer can see his messages. I couldn't access them from any other device. I just took screenshots and sent them to my email for safe keeping until one day I, er he, needed to sign in again. I just surmised it was because the password was changed.

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Quoting Cm1234

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Originally, I probably wouldn't have everything I have now. I was willing to give up everything from our life together just to get away. I wanted to. "Start Fresh."
But, as it happened, he attacked me one last time and the restraining order was placed to our address and he was the one that had to vacate; not me.
The police came and he collected his things in two days. All of our Tv's and computers and game systems were on his list of things to take along with all of our tools and his clothes. Old cell phones weren't on his radar. He still had his current cell on my plan and we worked out that he would pay his half of the bill to use it or I would report it as stolen.
I was never snoopy. I never looked at his phone and I wouldn't have tried to access his messages had they literally not been handed to me on a silver platter.
Like I said, he has since changed his password and I no longer can see his messages. I couldn't access them from any other device. I just took screenshots and sent them to my email for safe keeping until one day I, er he, needed to sign in again. I just surmised it was because the password was changed.

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You admit on a public forum that you will file a false police report if you do not like what is happening.

I believe you need to stop posting and get an attorney immediately. You are way out of line. IMO, you are a danger to your child as you are willing to break the law to get your way.

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Quoting Cm1234

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Originally, I probably wouldn't have everything I have now. I was willing to give up everything from our life together just to get away. I wanted to. "Start Fresh."
But, as it happened, he attacked me one last time and the restraining order was placed to our address and he was the one that had to vacate; not me.
The police came and he collected his things in two days. All of our Tv's and computers and game systems were on his list of things to take along with all of our tools and his clothes. Old cell phones weren't on his radar. He still had his current cell on my plan and we worked out that he would pay his half of the bill to use it or I would report it as stolen.
I was never snoopy. I never looked at his phone and I wouldn't have tried to access his messages had they literally not been handed to me on a silver platter.
Like I said, he has since changed his password and I no longer can see his messages. I couldn't access them from any other device. I just took screenshots and sent them to my email for safe keeping until one day I, er he, needed to sign in again. I just surmised it was because the password was changed.

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Nothing wrong with being snoopy if you're paying for everything. I snooped after the lies built up. He didn't own a damn thing when we were together I paid for everything he had. His phone, his clothes, the rent, utilities, my car, everything.

However I never made a false report on him. That is shady. The one time I called him in is when he legitimately took my car without my permission after I repeatedly told him no and then threatened to ram it into a wall if I didn't send him $100 for drugs and gas.

I just got confused how you automatically got old phones back that's all.

Look up family law attorneys who give free consultations and go from there.

OkisnotOk, I never said I would file a police report?

I guess it does sound shady with my brief reply.
But as an ACCOUNT HOLDER and OWNER of both cell phone lines I have the ability in MY ONLINE ACCOUNT to push a magical little button that says "report phone as lost or stolen"
And that little button ceases all service to that phone and won't allow it to be reactivated under another plan.
No police required.
And I can unclick that button at any time, too.
That's all I was going to do.

I have only filed one report in my life. And that was when he violated the restraining order.

Qwaspolk69, thanks for being my sounding board and actually helping me.
I would never "break the law to get my way"

OP,

You really need an attorney and a therapist. Your attorney needs to be one who can filter through your overly dramatic accusations and ferret out the truth. The therapist needs to help you regain control; it is in your child's best interest because your life at this time most certainly be even more damaging than the limited involvement with dad.

Your child needs advocates and protection from both of you. If this means putting the child in the custody of the sate's child welfare until things are safe, so be it. (I say this because I have 40ish friends doing battle over their 9 yo child; the child needs to be outside the control of them both until they get their acts together and work together rather than continually stir the pot and fling trash at each other. All of their filings are publicly available online. One day their tech savvy child is going to read the now 7 years of mud slinging and name calling and hate them both. Take a lesson of what not to do.)

I have been married nearly 50 years and would never read my DH's communications without his permission. You, on the other hand, admit to snooping and feel it is your right to do so because you are paying the bill on an account you share. How would you feel if he did the same to you? What would he find to use against you? I suspect you are not totally innocent in the relationship and the problems he has just as he contributed to your issues.


PLEASE, get an attorney soon.

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Quoting OKisNotOK

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OP,

You really need an attorney and a therapist. Your attorney needs to be one who can filter through your overly dramatic accusations and ferret out the truth. The therapist needs to help you regain control; it is in your child's best interest because your life at this time most certainly be even more damaging than the limited involvement with dad.

Your child needs advocates and protection from both of you. If this means putting the child in the custody of the sate's child welfare until things are safe, so be it. (I say this because I have 40ish friends doing battle over their 9 yo child; the child needs to be outside the control of them both until they get their acts together and work together rather than continually stir the pot and fling trash at each other. All of their filings are publicly available online. One day their tech savvy child is going to read the now 7 years of mud slinging and name calling and hate them both. Take a lesson of what not to do.)

I have been married nearly 50 years and would never read my DH's communications without his permission. You, on the other hand, admit to snooping and feel it is your right to do so because you are paying the bill on an account you share. How would you feel if he did the same to you? What would he find to use against you? I suspect you are not totally innocent in the relationship and the problems he has just as he contributed to your issues.


PLEASE, get an attorney soon.

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I think you're being a bit dramatic with the put her kid in state custody thing. She and her child should seek therapy - yes. Therapy helps (some). Your friends are not the same situation as this person.

Good for you that you can trust your husband. Not everyone has had that luxury. I won't lie I read my ex husband's texts - and caught his ass cheating when I did. I caught him looking through my stuff. I told him I'd freely let him look at my messages and my texts because I had nothing to hide. I never cheated on him nor have I cheated on anyone. He couldn't say the same. Eventually I woke up and divorced him.

I paid his phone bill, bought his phone, bought everything so yeah I and anyone else who does that has a right to know what the hell they're doing with it.

She does need a lawyer though.

You're telling me you are nearly, if not over 70 and using the internet so well?
Color me impressed because I can't even get my grandma to figure out texting!

I really shouldn't feed into your trolling, but I will.

Firstly, I am not being "overly dramatic" about any accusation? I am being logical and truthful. Out of control? Not quite.

This man beat me in the head until my teeth went through my lips while I was holding our 3 month old twins.
That's not being dramatic. I have scars to prove such "accusations."
He used to tell me that I liked it. That I made him do it. That I wanted him to hurt me. And if I ever called the police on him he could kill me before they got there.
You are insinuating that his very clear "issues" are because of me? He wouldn't do the same thing to someone else?
Because the girl before me had a restraining order against him too. She just didn't have kids with him.

Secondly, I have never, and will never, "publicly trash" him or "sling mud." Telling the truth in the right environment is not considered the same thing.
I can't say the same for him with his bashing Facebook posts.

Thirdly, you are calling me an unfit parent? For what? Removing them from that situation and raising them to be the bright individuals they are now? Or for asking for guidance on how to protect them or allow their father to be in their life safely?

My "life" is not damaging to them. They have a very normal and well rounded 3 bedroom home in a very nice town where they participate in after school curriculars multiple times a week. They have family and friends who love and support them. The memories of "when daddy threw you through the table" have faded.

Fourthly, you ask how would I feel if he went through my communications? It used to happen on the regular. I never returned the favor until it just so happened that I turned on an old phone and was given proof on the lock screen (I didn't even have to UNLOCK the phone or SNOOP) that he is an addict. I didn't do it because I felt entitled to because I paid the bills. I did it because it was evidence that he was purposely avoiding paying child support and was using, selling, and buying drugs. Should I not have? And just let my children deal with that? He wouldn't find any incriminating anything going through my personal devices. I have a constantly messy van and I'm typically a load or two behind on wash. Sometimes I don't sweep after breakfast and sometimes I let the dishes pile up for two days. I am not a perfect person, no. I am not a perfect mother, unlike you, clearly. But I try my best. Which is all anyone can ask of me. I am trying to make this the best situation for them. Because ever since they came into my life that is what my purpose is. Making THEIR life the best I can.

As you keep insisting, I have seen counselors. I have been to group meetings. I have been to specialists and neuroscientists and I've dealt with the PTSD I suffered after we broke up. I was lost. I felt out of control and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. But I've since moved passed those dark days. Years ago, actually. As I told their father, I have come to terms with our past. I don't harbor bad feelings about the things that happened. They happened though, and to deny that is to deny me my life story. The pieces that make me who I am. I am grateful for the years we had been together because they taught me so many things about myself and healthy relationships.

Right now? I feel anxious mostly about what has yet to happen. And aggravated by your constant responses yet lack of understanding and repeated condescension.

Lastly, I get that you dont know the whole story, you don't know me, or my ex, and it's common for women to "play" the victim roll and lie, nonetheless, you are coming off as very rude and insulting.
And there's one big difference. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I have been through terrible injustices and I have lived.
My sole purpose is to make sure my children grow up to become strong, independent, and successful people.

Unfortunately, the manual on how to do that hasn't been written yet; please excuse me for truthfully explaining my situation and asking for some additional guidance.

I have been in contact with a couple lawyers and plan on meeting with them soon.

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Quoting Cm1234

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You're telling me you are nearly, if not over 70 and using the internet so well?
Color me impressed because I can't even get my grandma to figure out texting!

I really shouldn't feed into your trolling, but I will.

Firstly, I am not being "overly dramatic" about any accusation? I am being logical and truthful. Out of control? Not quite.

This man beat me in the head until my teeth went through my lips while I was holding our 3 month old twins.
That's not being dramatic. I have scars to prove such "accusations."
He used to tell me that I liked it. That I made him do it. That I wanted him to hurt me. And if I ever called the police on him he could kill me before they got there.
You are insinuating that his very clear "issues" are because of me? He wouldn't do the same thing to someone else?
Because the girl before me had a restraining order against him too. She just didn't have kids with him.

Secondly, I have never, and will never, "publicly trash" him or "sling mud." Telling the truth in the right environment is not considered the same thing.
I can't say the same for him with his bashing Facebook posts.

Thirdly, you are calling me an unfit parent? For what? Removing them from that situation and raising them to be the bright individuals they are now? Or for asking for guidance on how to protect them or allow their father to be in their life safely?

My "life" is not damaging to them. They have a very normal and well rounded 3 bedroom home in a very nice town where they participate in after school curriculars multiple times a week. They have family and friends who love and support them. The memories of "when daddy threw you through the table" have faded.

Fourthly, you ask how would I feel if he went through my communications? It used to happen on the regular. I never returned the favor until it just so happened that I turned on an old phone and was given proof on the lock screen (I didn't even have to UNLOCK the phone or SNOOP) that he is an addict. I didn't do it because I felt entitled to because I paid the bills. I did it because it was evidence that he was purposely avoiding paying child support and was using, selling, and buying drugs. Should I not have? And just let my children deal with that? He wouldn't find any incriminating anything going through my personal devices. I have a constantly messy van and I'm typically a load or two behind on wash. Sometimes I don't sweep after breakfast and sometimes I let the dishes pile up for two days. I am not a perfect person, no. I am not a perfect mother, unlike you, clearly. But I try my best. Which is all anyone can ask of me. I am trying to make this the best situation for them. Because ever since they came into my life that is what my purpose is. Making THEIR life the best I can.

As you keep insisting, I have seen counselors. I have been to group meetings. I have been to specialists and neuroscientists and I've dealt with the PTSD I suffered after we broke up. I was lost. I felt out of control and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. But I've since moved passed those dark days. Years ago, actually. As I told their father, I have come to terms with our past. I don't harbor bad feelings about the things that happened. They happened though, and to deny that is to deny me my life story. The pieces that make me who I am. I am grateful for the years we had been together because they taught me so many things about myself and healthy relationships.

Right now? I feel anxious mostly about what has yet to happen. And aggravated by your constant responses yet lack of understanding and repeated condescension.

Lastly, I get that you dont know the whole story, you don't know me, or my ex, and it's common for women to "play" the victim roll and lie, nonetheless, you are coming off as very rude and insulting.
And there's one big difference. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I have been through terrible injustices and I have lived.
My sole purpose is to make sure my children grow up to become strong, independent, and successful people.

Unfortunately, the manual on how to do that hasn't been written yet; please excuse me for truthfully explaining my situation and asking for some additional guidance.

I have been in contact with a couple lawyers and plan on meeting with them soon.

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Okay I think this has not jumped ship on the topic. Let's try to reel it back in.

I hope you get some solid advice from the attorneys Cm.

OK - if you haven't been in her shoes don't judge.

Quote:

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Quoting OKisNotOK

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OP,

You really need an attorney and a therapist. Your attorney needs to be one who can filter through your overly dramatic accusations and ferret out the truth. The therapist needs to help you regain control; it is in your child's best interest because your life at this time most certainly be even more damaging than the limited involvement with dad.

Your child needs advocates and protection from both of you. If this means putting the child in the custody of the sate's child welfare until things are safe, so be it. (I say this because I have 40ish friends doing battle over their 9 yo child; the child needs to be outside the control of them both until they get their acts together and work together rather than continually stir the pot and fling trash at each other. All of their filings are publicly available online. One day their tech savvy child is going to read the now 7 years of mud slinging and name calling and hate them both. Take a lesson of what not to do.)

I have been married nearly 50 years and would never read my DH's communications without his permission. You, on the other hand, admit to snooping and feel it is your right to do so because you are paying the bill on an account you share. How would you feel if he did the same to you? What would he find to use against you? I suspect you are not totally innocent in the relationship and the problems he has just as he contributed to your issues.


PLEASE, get an attorney soon.

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What state do you live in where domestic court files and transcripts are open and available to the public? Records of when hearings occur are often online, but they don't give specifics and nobody could see what "mud slinging" was going on. If anyone looked up my case it would state the day and time of a hearing and when a decision was filed. No specifics, no details, and certainly no private testimony being publicly displayed. You can clearly see that there was a hearing about parenting time on X date. You can also see that a decision was filed on X date. It doesn't say that my ex husband lost all visitation of our kids for being sexually inappropriate. Domestic court hearings are not public and the records are not either. I had to go to the court and show my ID just to get a copy of one single page of my records to prove that I was a party in the case. If your state blasts all domestic records online for anyone to see, I would love to know what state that is.

The manual for being a strong independent and solid parent includes getting legal counsel and keeping everything that happens, especially with someone like your ex, strictly reigned in by the power of the courts and law. This is a person who will not be stopped until he runs into something he can't bluster and threaten and boss into getting his way, and the only recourse you have, in my very experienced opinion is to keep a grip on the situation legally. Get everything set up in CONCRETE. Legally. By your attorney. This is worth spending all the money you have to do it with, and it is IMPORTANT money you are spending here. You must be the one who has a good attorney to set things up and tell you exactly what a court order, with judges input, says you must and must not do. Deal with this person only through these entities. Don't try to "counsel" your children yourself, or keep them having positive little talk ins with their other parent. Get it set up legally, and then work for them from there. If their father chooses not to see them, not to pay his child support, or if he tries to demand to see them and tries to prejudice them against you, you will never be the worse for having dealt with the situation through professionals. Best wishes to you.