Ex Wife Filed Motion to Re-Open Child Custody

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Virginia

I have a very reasonable ex-wife. She has through repeated attorney's tried to "make up" rules that are not currently part of you child custody agreement. An attorney will send me "new rules" and performance related changes in a formal letter, however, I have responded to each formal letter with a rebuttal referencing how it is not part of my agreement. I never hear back from the attorney's (two separate ones over the past two years).

Recently, my ex wife, through attorney filed a Motion to re-open child custody, with very extreme examples (I/e, stating I did not inform her I was leaving state for a trip - which is not required of my agreement, or that I am opting to take vacations outside of summer school break and has been reason for her to decline - which neither performance items are in our agreement).

The judge has decided to re-open the case, and she has requested the following:

The following is our current vacation language (entered and final in 2013):
Each party is entitled to up to 2 nonconsecutive weeks of vacation every year with the children (up to 7 consecutive days each) and which do not cause the children to miss school. Mother gets first pick of vacation dates in odd numbered years and father gets first pick of vacation dates in even numbered years, with the selection to be made by March 15th of each year by the person having first pick and by March 30th of each year for the person having second pick.

Ex wife has requested the court change the language to:
Summer Vacation. Each parent shall have the option of either two (2) consecutive weeks with children, together (children shall not be away from the other parent for more than 14 consecutive days), or two (2) one week periods of vacation during each child's summer vacations from school. Unless otherwise agreed by the parents, a "week" is equal to seven (7) consecutive days, but a vacation "week" is not required to bein on any particular day, and shall run for seven (7) consecutive days for each of the two (2) weeks during the summer vacation period. Mother will select first in odd numbered years, and father will select first in even numbered years. The parent selecting first shall do so prior to April 1 of each year, and the parent selecting second shall do so prior to April 20 of each year. In the event that a parent fails to communicate to the other parent their intended vacation time by the designated deadline set forth above, such parent will concede his or her opportunity to select for that year and the other parent will be free to plan activities with the children and notify the other parent of the planned activities, however, if the parent who failed to choose vacation time by the deadline set for above later selects vacation time and he or she notifies the other parent of the selection prior to other parent notifying about alternative planned activities, such parent will be entitled to have the vacation time selected with the children (unless and to the extent alternative other plans have been made and confirmed in writing for the children by the other parent).


A) Vacation is issued annually, however, I like to take a little in summer, and the rest outside of summer break (and kids never miss school, as our agreement states). Is it feasible a judge will agree to this request, which is strongly against my wishes, essentially allowing vacation to only occur during summer months, and when you factor kids have several week of camps, sports and activities that take nearly half of summer. Then you add in each parents vacation, it does not fit conveniently.
B) Ex wife, after filing, requested I sign a passport application for each of my two boys as her family is trying to take an international trip (which likely exceeds the original scope of the vacation clause). Should I have to bear the expense so she can "circumvent" the system to make something work only for her?

Last two items. In her request, she has additionally asked the judge for the following:

1)She has requested that each parent notify the other parent 48 hours in advance of leaving the state, with complete information on plane, train, bus, etc flight information and itineraries. This is against my wish because she has on two occasions interfered with my travel plans, once by selecting vacation dates on top of my vacation dates insisting she had the right to pick first, despite it being several months past the deadline. This clause is not part of our agreement (and she has never notified me, not once, of any out of state trips).

2) She has requested the court appoint a child coordinator, to be used in the event we have disagreement. Each parent would be responsible to pay their pro-rate (pay) share of the bill (in my case, it is nearly 60%). She will find every reason to disagree with me, and force my bank account to drain, or use as a tactic to get what she wants, which is usually not inline with our agreement. This clause is not part of our agreement, and I am vehemently opposed to it.

Lots of information, and I am amazed at how my ex makes every effort to make life incredibly difficult, and is very controlling.

She show caused me three years ago, with three arguments. The judge dismissed and ruled in my favor on all three accounts. However, each had fees on her own.

What is the best way to fight this? I have an attorney, but they are unavailable to see me until March. There is a February 22nd hearing to set a trial date (a representative from their office will go to set a date, but I wont get one-on-one time until a few weeks later).

I ultimately want this dismissed, or, to place my fees as their burden to prevent this behavior in the future.

Thank you for your advice.

Key other details:
Shared physical/legal custody
I have kids 140 days a year, to her 225 days a year.

Does this type of hearing open up custody in its entirety. And if so, do you think it is feasible for me to tweak a few unfair items (i/e, I transfer my kids to my ex wife at 9:00a, vs she transfers them to me at 5:30p, which gives her 28 days more than me due to how it is calculated). I would like both transfer times to be at same time (either we both transfer at 9:00a, or 5:30p).

You already got pretty thorough responses to your questions. Tweaking your questions isn't going to make it any different.

Mom's motions to modify, for the most part, are reasonable. Your orders clearly state that you get two periods of vacation of up to 7 days each, and you insisting on taking them one day at a time (up to 14 vacations) so that you can take mom's weekend time is NOT reasonable.
Mom asking for a modification to clarify the language so that you absolutely cannot do that is not petty.

You can certainly file counter motions about things that you think need to be tweaked or clarified. You however, need to be careful that anything you want to tweak isn't petty. Wanting to have extra daytime hours officially assigned to you so that on paper your custody time is greater is really pretty petty.

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Quoting alpine1

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Virginia

I have a very reasonable ex-wife. She has through repeated attorney's tried to "make up" rules that are not currently part of you child custody agreement. An attorney will send me "new rules" and performance related changes in a formal letter, however, I have responded to each formal letter with a rebuttal referencing how it is not part of my agreement. I never hear back from the attorney's (two separate ones over the past two years).

Recently, my ex wife, through attorney filed a Motion to re-open child custody, with very extreme examples (I/e, stating I did not inform her I was leaving state for a trip - which is not required of my agreement, or that I am opting to take vacations outside of summer school break and has been reason for her to decline - which neither performance items are in our agreement).

The judge has decided to re-open the case, and she has requested the following:

The following is our current vacation language (entered and final in 2013):
Each party is entitled to up to 2 nonconsecutive weeks of vacation every year with the children (up to 7 consecutive days each) and which do not cause the children to miss school. Mother gets first pick of vacation dates in odd numbered years and father gets first pick of vacation dates in even numbered years, with the selection to be made by March 15th of each year by the person having first pick and by March 30th of each year for the person having second pick.

Ex wife has requested the court change the language to:
Summer Vacation. Each parent shall have the option of either two (2) consecutive weeks with children, together (children shall not be away from the other parent for more than 14 consecutive days), or two (2) one week periods of vacation during each child's summer vacations from school. Unless otherwise agreed by the parents, a "week" is equal to seven (7) consecutive days, but a vacation "week" is not required to bein on any particular day, and shall run for seven (7) consecutive days for each of the two (2) weeks during the summer vacation period. Mother will select first in odd numbered years, and father will select first in even numbered years. The parent selecting first shall do so prior to April 1 of each year, and the parent selecting second shall do so prior to April 20 of each year. In the event that a parent fails to communicate to the other parent their intended vacation time by the designated deadline set forth above, such parent will concede his or her opportunity to select for that year and the other parent will be free to plan activities with the children and notify the other parent of the planned activities, however, if the parent who failed to choose vacation time by the deadline set for above later selects vacation time and he or she notifies the other parent of the selection prior to other parent notifying about alternative planned activities, such parent will be entitled to have the vacation time selected with the children (unless and to the extent alternative other plans have been made and confirmed in writing for the children by the other parent).


A) Vacation is issued annually, however, I like to take a little in summer, and the rest outside of summer break (and kids never miss school, as our agreement states). Is it feasible a judge will agree to this request, which is strongly against my wishes, essentially allowing vacation to only occur during summer months, and when you factor kids have several week of camps, sports and activities that take nearly half of summer. Then you add in each parents vacation, it does not fit conveniently.
B) Ex wife, after filing, requested I sign a passport application for each of my two boys as her family is trying to take an international trip (which likely exceeds the original scope of the vacation clause). Should I have to bear the expense so she can "circumvent" the system to make something work only for her?

Last two items. In her request, she has additionally asked the judge for the following:

1)She has requested that each parent notify the other parent 48 hours in advance of leaving the state, with complete information on plane, train, bus, etc flight information and itineraries. This is against my wish because she has on two occasions interfered with my travel plans, once by selecting vacation dates on top of my vacation dates insisting she had the right to pick first, despite it being several months past the deadline. This clause is not part of our agreement (and she has never notified me, not once, of any out of state trips).

2) She has requested the court appoint a child coordinator, to be used in the event we have disagreement. Each parent would be responsible to pay their pro-rate (pay) share of the bill (in my case, it is nearly 60%). She will find every reason to disagree with me, and force my bank account to drain, or use as a tactic to get what she wants, which is usually not inline with our agreement. This clause is not part of our agreement, and I am vehemently opposed to it.

Lots of information, and I am amazed at how my ex makes every effort to make life incredibly difficult, and is very controlling.

She show caused me three years ago, with three arguments. The judge dismissed and ruled in my favor on all three accounts. However, each had fees on her own.

What is the best way to fight this? I have an attorney, but they are unavailable to see me until March. There is a February 22nd hearing to set a trial date (a representative from their office will go to set a date, but I wont get one-on-one time until a few weeks later).

I ultimately want this dismissed, or, to place my fees as their burden to prevent this behavior in the future.

Thank you for your advice.

Key other details:
Shared physical/legal custody
I have kids 140 days a year, to her 225 days a year.

Does this type of hearing open up custody in its entirety. And if so, do you think it is feasible for me to tweak a few unfair items (i/e, I transfer my kids to my ex wife at 9:00a, vs she transfers them to me at 5:30p, which gives her 28 days more than me due to how it is calculated). I would like both transfer times to be at same time (either we both transfer at 9:00a, or 5:30p).

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The portion I underlined is but one example of how you are actually being very difficult. You want to play silly little tit-for-tat games like that? Expect more court fees and, eventually, sanctions.

Both of you need to start behaving like adults instead of letting the children remain the more mature parties in all of this.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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The portion I underlined is but one example of how you are actually being very difficult. You want to play silly little tit-for-tat games like that? Expect more court fees and, eventually, sanctions.

Both of you need to start behaving like adults instead of letting the children remain the more mature parties in all of this.

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Honestly, if another picks on the others dates, how are Two parties being accused of not behaving like adults. You have no idea that I take the high road, every single time. I didn't pick on her dates. I swallowed the pill, cancelled my plans, selected alternative dates when kids were not transferred. You have zero idea that I willingly accept all of her vacation date changes, without regard. I have an issue changing vacation to only occur during summer school break, when they have weeks upon weeks of other school breaks. And agreement currently does not limit to summer only.

If you knew the whole situation, I think you would be appalled at the mother. I can say I am very proud of how I act, and choices I make, always considering the benefit to my kids and their mother.

I didn't file this case. I am trying to live my life. And now paying money to defend We have an agreement. It is easy to follow. Points 2 and 3 being requested above are indications of a person seeking control. They are unreasonable.

I am sure you would love to be treated this way. And should I assume it would be reasonable if someone constantly interfered in your life?

Why is she on 3 different attorney's for this topic? Was it due to her reasonable behavior?

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Quoting alpine1

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Honestly, if another picks on the others dates, how are Two parties being accused of not behaving like adults. You have no idea that I take the high road, every single time. I didn't pick on her dates. I swallowed the pill, cancelled my plans, selected alternative dates when kids were not transferred. You have zero idea that I willingly accept all of her vacation date changes, without regard. I have an issue changing vacation to only occur during summer school break, when they have weeks upon weeks of other school breaks. And agreement currently does not limit to summer only.

If you knew the whole situation, I think you would be appalled at the mother. I can say I am very proud of how I act, and choices I make, always considering the benefit to my kids and their mother.

I didn't file this case. I am trying to live my life. And now paying money to defend We have an agreement. It is easy to follow. Points 2 and 3 being requested above are indications of a person seeking control. They are unreasonable.

I am sure you would love to be treated this way. And should I assume it would be reasonable if someone constantly interfered in your life?

Why is she on 3 different attorney's for this topic? Was it due to her reasonable behavior?

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Again, I think that mom is being totally reasonable about changing the vacation portion of the court orders...even the part about limiting them to summers. The rest of the children's school breaks should already be divided as holidays and holidays trump vacation time. In addition, the part about you trying to take up to 14 "vacations" rather than the two vacation periods you are entitled to take. I also think that its reasonable to ask for an accommodation for an international trip.

The 48 hours before leaving the state is perhaps unreasonable for day trips, and the parenting coordinator can be quite expensive so I understand why you would not want that. However, high conflict parenting situations sometimes do require a parenting coordinator and from the terms and wording that you use, I honestly believe that you are a contributor to high conflict parenting.

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Quoting llworking

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Again, I think that mom is being totally reasonable about changing the vacation portion of the court orders...even the part about limiting them to summers. The rest of the children's school breaks should already be divided as holidays and holidays trump vacation time. In addition, the part about you trying to take up to 14 "vacations" rather than the two vacation periods you are entitled to take. I also think that its reasonable to ask for an accommodation for an international trip.

The 48 hours before leaving the state is perhaps unreasonable for day trips, and the parenting coordinator can be quite expensive so I understand why you would not want that. However, high conflict parenting situations sometimes do require a parenting coordinator and from the terms and wording that you use, I honestly believe that you are a contributor to high conflict parenting.

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Thank you.

We don't have other school-book break agreements other than rotating thanksgiving day, and day after , and a split of Christmas day itself. That leaves about 21 days of school breaks available.

So, I assume you would agree it would be reasonable to state School breaks, vs summer breaks? Agreement already states kids can't miss school.

I can very confidentially say I do not contribute to the problems. I follow the agreement. Ex is always trying to change things, like exchange locations, asking me for days because family visits (which I give) with promise of exchanging days (which she hasn't returned a single one).

If one party wants 14 days consecutive, should that be fair if the other has to pay a lawyer for this change (ex firmly made original agreement so neither could take more than 7 days, now she wants 14 days, but never asked me, just filed, now at my expense).

Is it reasonable if I want it changed to 14 days (vs 2 7 day periods), and allow 14 days consecutive, that is a fair compromise, correct?

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Quoting alpine1

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Thank you.

We don't have other school-book break agreements other than rotating thanksgiving day, and day after , and a split of Christmas day itself. That leaves about 21 days of school breaks available.

So, I assume you would agree it would be reasonable to state School breaks, vs summer breaks? Agreement already states kids can't miss school.

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Actually no, what I think would be reasonable is to fairly divide their school breaks (other than summer) so that each of you have time to do things on their school breaks. However, the way that you guys divide the week really kind of gives that to you anyway. However I would divide the Christmas Holiday in half, and rotate the entire Thanksgiving and Spring Break holidays. I would then rotate the other three and four day weekends.

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I can very confidentially say I do not contribute to the problems. I follow the agreement. Ex is always trying to change things, like exchange locations, asking me for days because family visits (which I give) with promise of exchanging days (which she hasn't returned a single one).

If one party wants 14 days consecutive, should that be fair if the other has to pay a lawyer for this change (ex firmly made original agreement so neither could take more than 7 days, now she wants 14 days, but never asked me, just filed, now at my expense).

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I suspect that she is throwing that in there because she already was taking you to court about the way you were taking "vacations".

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Is it reasonable if I want it changed to 14 days (vs 2 7 day periods), and allow 14 days consecutive, that is a fair compromise, correct?

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No its not at all fair. 14 days allows you to disrupt her time with the children up to 14 times a year. Taking a two week trip disrupts your time with the children once.

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Quoting llworking

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Actually no, what I think would be reasonable is to fairly divide their school breaks (other than summer) so that each of you have time to do things on their school breaks. However, the way that you guys divide the week really kind of gives that to you anyway. However I would divide the Christmas Holiday in half, and rotate the entire Thanksgiving and Spring Break holidays. I would then rotate the other three and four day weekends.



I suspect that she is throwing that in there because she already was taking you to court about the way you were taking "vacations".



No its not at all fair. 14 days allows you to disrupt her time with the children up to 14 times a year. Taking a two week trip disrupts your time with the children once.

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Well, odd, we exchange kids 104 times a year. 52 weeks, two exchanges per week.

14 single days would still result in 104 exchanges. Not 118 as you suggest.
I don't usually take single days anyway, but used for example. And, this would even give her less bulk time away from the kids, as compared to a 7 or 14 day period would (which was critically important to her).

Another fun fact. Ex wife starts vacation when exchange is to take place (she starts when I have a sat pm), which is always after her 4 days custodial time, and returns them to me 8 days later (a Sunday) at 530p, which nets her 12 days each time (she robs a Saturday, returns them on a Sunday because that week she has Sunday).

The nature of our agreement is children are never to be away from other parent for more than 7 days. Has ex wife followed nature of the agreement? I let it slide because arguments are not worth it.

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Quoting alpine1

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Well, odd, we exchange kids 104 times a year. 52 weeks, two exchanges per week.

14 single days would still result in 104 exchanges. Not 118 as you suggest.
I don't usually take single days anyway, but used for example. And, this would even give her less bulk time away from the kids, as compared to a 7 or 14 day period would (which was critically important to her).

Another fun fact. Ex wife starts vacation when exchange is to take place (she starts when I have a sat pm), which is always after her 4 days custodial time, and returns them to me 8 days later (a Sunday) at 530p, which nets her 12 days each time (she robs a Saturday, returns them on a Sunday because that week she has Sunday).

The nature of our agreement is children are never to be away from other parent for more than 7 days. Has ex wife followed nature of the agreement? I let it slide because arguments are not worth it.

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In regards to the bolded...THAT would be something that you could bring up in court as a clarification. You could ask the judge to order that your 7 or 14 day vacation periods start with the start of one of your respective parenting periods, and cannot last more than 7 or 14 days without parenting time for the other parent (or some other wording not quite so convoluted). I agree that she plays dirty pool with that one. I feel the same way about her doing that, as I do about you thinking you can take your vacations as 14 days instead of two periods of vacation. Both are "dirty pool" as far as I am concerned.

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Quoting llworking

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Actually no, what I think would be reasonable is to fairly divide their school breaks (other than summer) so that each of you have time to do things on their school breaks. However, the way that you guys divide the week really kind of gives that to you anyway. However I would divide the Christmas Holiday in half, and rotate the entire Thanksgiving and Spring Break holidays. I would then rotate the other three and four day weekends.



I suspect that she is throwing that in there because she already was taking you to court about the way you were taking "vacations".



No its not at all fair. 14 days allows you to disrupt her time with the children up to 14 times a year. Taking a two week trip disrupts your time with the children once.

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Well, odd, we exchange kids 104 times a year. 52 weeks, two exchanges per week.

14 single days would still result in 104 exchanges. Not 118 as you suggest.
I don't usually take single days anyway, but used for example. And, this would even give her less bulk time away from the kids, as compared to a 7 or 14 day period would (which was critically important to her).

Another fun fact. Ex wife starts vacation when exchange is to take place (she starts when I have a sat pm), which is always after her 4 days custodial time, and returns them to me 8 days later (a Sunday) at 530p, which nets her 12 days each time (she robs a Saturday, returns them on a Sunday because that week she has Sunday).

The nature of our agreement is children are never to be away from other parent for more than 7 days. Has ex wife followed nature of the agreement? I let it slide because arguments are not worth it.