Division of Weekend Visitation Between Parents

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New York

I’ll try and make this as short and to the point as possible..

In April, I decided to serve my former significant other papers to appear in court regarding the visitation schedule we have with our daughter. I feel that it is unfair and I would like more time. Mom is the custodial parent with primary residence. Daughter is 3. We were never married. I live 40-45 minutes away (working on moving closer, 15-20 minutes). Mom and daughter live with mom’s parents. I live with a girlfriend of 2 years in our home. I work full time with a set schedule where I am required to work 2 weekends out of a 6 week scheduling block. Mom works Mon-Fri, 9-5. Neither parent has a legal/criminal record.

Since April, we have had 4 appearances where our lawyers have gone back and forth with no agreement on a visitation schedule. We now have a hearing scheduled in December.

I am asking for the 4 weekends (Fri afternoon to Mon afternoon) that I’m off in my 6 week scheduling block. Mom feels that is unfair as I would be getting more weekend time than her. I am contemplating trying to get together with her to come to an agreement without our lawyers involved. It would both save us money and time, but I don’t see her agreeing to the 4 out of 6 weekends.

-How likely am I to be granted the time I’m asking for?
-In general, does a judge take into account weekends and how they’re split between parents?

In case you were wondering, I am asking these questions as a second opinion to one my lawyer may give me. Thank you for you time.

You have not posted anything that suggests why a judge should not follow the standard practice of dividing weekends equally between the parents. Absent a compelling reason, I would expect a judge to make short work of denying your request.

You are not very likely to get the majority of the weekends. Judges tend to recognize that children deserve down time/quality time/non-workday time with BOTH parents.

What you are likely to get (although moving closer than 15-20 minutes would be even better) is some of the weekday, harder work time.

I do not believe that what you are asking for is fair to your child at all. It may seem fair to you, but what is fair to your child is the only thing that counts.

Thank you for those responses! It’s greatly appreciated.

I know that it may seem unfair to the child with limited details on the situation. My parents (paternal grandparents) live an hour away from myself and almost 2 hours from their grand daughter. They have formed a great bond and she loves to spend time with her paternal grandparents. Meanwhile, she is living with her maternal grandparents and is in there presence on a daily basis. The point I’m trying to make/argue is that allowing 4/6 weekends with dad would allow her to be able to see her paternal grandparents/family on a more consistent basis.

I’m not sure how much water that would hold when presented to a judge.

Can you please further clarify what “harder work time” constitutes?

When the child becomes school-aged, how would weekday time be possible?

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Quoting GladDad

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Thank you for those responses! It’s greatly appreciated.

I know that it may seem unfair to the child with limited details on the situation. My parents (paternal grandparents) live an hour away from myself and almost 2 hours from their grand daughter. They have formed a great bond and she loves to spend time with her paternal grandparents. Meanwhile, she is living with her maternal grandparents and is in there presence on a daily basis. The point I’m trying to make/argue is that allowing 4/6 weekends with dad would allow her to be able to see her paternal grandparents/family on a more consistent basis.

I’m not sure how much water that would hold when presented to a judge.

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It won't hold any weight at all.

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Can you please further clarify what “harder work time” constitutes?

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That means that its particularly hard to raise children during the workweek. There is getting home from work, making dinner, baths (homework when they are older) and either getting them back to the other parent or getting them to school. Its just harder work.

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When the child becomes school-aged, how would weekday time be possible?

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You drive her to school and you pick her up afterwards (or arrange for after school care and pick her up from there). Its certainly do able with a 15-20 minute distance. Its even more do able if the distance is shorter. If you feel like you cannot do that, then you take her for the evening and return her to mom for bedtime.

Even with the additional details, the most important thing for the child is down time with both parents. Grandparents are a bonus and likely won't be considered.

I would suspect that even with your additional reasoning, you petition would be denied. Harder work time is that time that is done after work, and doesn't really equal down time. Think along the lines of, getting home from work, making dinner, having dinner, doing weekday household chores, bath time, getting ready for bed, etc. That time is typically fast paced and doesn't include just regular chill time. Once the kid start school that would also be when homework is done.

Once the kid starts school, you would still be able to have week day visitation if you are awarded such. You could either have the child returned to the school district the same evening, or you can take the child to school in the AM presuming you are awarded overnights. The overnights would be easier if you were to move closer, but still could be done.

My ex takes our daughter to her school every Thursday and every other Monday. He lives 15 minutes away from her school. He also gets visitation with his other daughter during the week and should have her from 4 to 8pm, but because she lives an hour away, (and because he isn't really the homework doing type), he has elected to forego is weekday visitation with her. But it can be done. 8 would maybe be a little late if you are still living a bit away because of bedtime, but you could take on some of the weekday "work" part of being a parent instead of attempting to take a majority of the "fun" time.

Wow, thank you all for your time and the detailed explanations. I really appreciate the honesty. I wasn’t expecting this much help!

So knowing what you mean by “harder-work”, how do you all feel about this scenario (let’s assume a 20 min commute)?

-Every other weekend
-Mom and Dad share every other week
-Dad is responsible for transportation to-and-from school and any child care that is necessary during that Mon-Sun period.

So Mom and Dad would essentially be doing every other Mon-Sun..

We all have differing opinions on that but I will share mine.

That scenario is great for the parents and can be really hard for the kids. As they get older, many of them feel like they don't have a home and are living out of a suitcase because every time they turn around they are leaving to go somewhere else for a week.

That may work, but only until the child starts school/out of school activities -- unless the two parents live very close, it is hard to keep consistency in the child's life. If you are thinking of moving, why not move as close as possible so that you are available more, even if not for a full week every two weeks? Which school system would she go to? I suspect she would miss a lot every other week especially as she gets older living farther from her school friends but only 1/2 the time. And honestly psychologically moving back and forth between two homes every week will possibly lead her to feel like she is part of neither. Especially if both or either go on to have more future children with their new relationships.

Finding childcare every other week on both sides is going to be tough - you might find yourself paying fulltime at two places just to hold her spot in both. Unless your girlfriend is going to be the one watching her for free during those weeks while you are at work and her mom's parents the other week. But you generally aren't going to find childcare that only requires to you to pay when you use it.

I know you want it "equal" but honestly I have yet to see it actually turn out that way. Instead the kids are pulled two different ways and in the middle. I just know too many kids who have suffered from divorced parents and the "scheduling" of their time ..... I understand you want more time with your daughter. But that's probably something you should have thought about before having a child with someone you weren't married/committed to and weren't committed to staying with.... sorry to be harsh, but I've seen the negative affects too much on kids.... and wish more parents would put the kids first!

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Quoting GladDad

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Wow, thank you all for your time and the detailed explanations. I really appreciate the honesty. I wasn’t expecting this much help!

So knowing what you mean by “harder-work”, how do you all feel about this scenario (let’s assume a 20 min commute)?

-Every other weekend
-Mom and Dad share every other week
-Dad is responsible for transportation to-and-from school and any child care that is necessary during that Mon-Sun period.

So Mom and Dad would essentially be doing every other Mon-Sun..

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That can work for some children but other's absolutely hate it...for all of the reasons that hr for me stated and some more as well. Again, its mostly about fairness to the parents rather than fairness to the children. In my purely personal opinion children need one place to call home, no matter how much they want to see their other parent. I have never seen a 50/50 timeshare work in the long haul. I know a family that did a very good job of it (lived in the same neighborhood and allowed their children free reign to move between both houses, the children just had to sleep at the home of the parent whose time it was) but even with them it fell apart when the kids got to be teenagers.

Also, many judges will not order a 50/50 schedule over the objections of one of the parents. The reason for that is that 50/50 takes a huge amount of cooperation to have any hope of working and if parents are not in agreement, the necessary cooperation is not going to be there.