Mother Refusing to Enforce Parenting Time with My 13 Year Old Daughter

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Oregon
So my daughter, who will be 13 in the next 4 days, says she hasn't felt comfortable coming over to my place in the last 2 years and now her mother says that she has a choice and does NOT have to come over if she doesn't want to. She believes that a court will allow the child to decide not to come over if they are her age. So right now I don't know what to do. If I file with the court to enforce the parenting time, even though our parenting plan is specifically spelled out in black and white, will my daughter's opinions and feelings pose a risk at disrupting the court enforcing that plan and possibly change it? I feel rather powerless right now and am not sure which direction to take. The guy from a father's right website told me that kids around this age often prefer to be with the parent who is more lenient and so that this is normal and even if I am successful in getting this enforced it could make my daughter really not like me (but at this point I don't see how it matters). He says he calls it the "black hole" that the kids go into around this age and don't emerge from until they are like over 18 but I'm not ok with not seeing my daughter for that long. Her mom and I got divorced in 2005 and the parenting plan has been established since then. Any helpful advice is extremely appreciated! Thank you!

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Quoting petermg

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Oregon
So my daughter, who will be 13 in the next 4 days, says she hasn't felt comfortable coming over to my place in the last 2 years and now her mother says that she has a choice and does NOT have to come over if she doesn't want to. She believes that a court will allow the child to decide not to come over if they are her age. So right now I don't know what to do. If I file with the court to enforce the parenting time, even though our parenting plan is specifically spelled out in black and white, will my daughter's opinions and feelings pose a risk at disrupting the court enforcing that plan and possibly change it? I feel rather powerless right now and am not sure which direction to take. The guy from a father's right website told me that kids around this age often prefer to be with the parent who is more lenient and so that this is normal and even if I am successful in getting this enforced it could make my daughter really not like me (but at this point I don't see how it matters). He says he calls it the "black hole" that the kids go into around this age and don't emerge from until they are like over 18 but I'm not ok with not seeing my daughter for that long. Her mom and I got divorced in 2005 and the parenting plan has been established since then. Any helpful advice is extremely appreciated! Thank you!

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Why do you think she doesn't want to visit?

Are you remarried? Any step- or half-siblings in your house?

You can, of course, take Mom back to court to enforce visitation. At 13, it's not likely that they'll allow your daughter to make the decision herself unless Mom can show that visiting you is actually harming her emotionally.

How often does she get one-on-one time with you?

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Why do you think she doesn't want to visit?

Are you remarried? Any step- or half-siblings in your house?

You can, of course, take Mom back to court to enforce visitation. At 13, it's not likely that they'll allow your daughter to make the decision herself unless Mom can show that visiting you is actually harming her emotionally.

How often does she get one-on-one time with you?

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I am remarried, have been for almost 7 years but for the last year my wife and I have been living apart. Her 5 year old half brother lives with me half of the time. From what I understand it is difficult for kids going between 2 households. There are different boundaries at each household and the child feels like their "real" self is where they have adjusted to boundaries the most, i.e. the custodial parent's home. After talking with my daughter she agreed and said that she can't be her real self at my place. Her mother is/was an alcoholic and lives a much less principled framework than I. My daughter gets away with more at her mother's, and then I get the call from her mom that the principle called and left her a message and she's too afraid to listen to it or deal with it and asks me to call and find out and deal with the problems. Anyhow all that is a rabbit trail. Barring my daughter having real grounds for emotional trauma coming over to my place I just want to know to what degree I have lost the power to enforce effectively my court ordered time with her. I guess in either case I can try to enforce it and if the judge decides to change it then it gets changed and that's it. I was just hoping someone here could tell me some specifics of the legal construct of my situation and concern of losing the ordered time.
Thanks for your replies.

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Quoting petermg

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Oregon
So my daughter, who will be 13 in the next 4 days, says she hasn't felt comfortable coming over to my place in the last 2 years and now her mother says that she has a choice and does NOT have to come over if she doesn't want to. She believes that a court will allow the child to decide not to come over if they are her age. So right now I don't know what to do. If I file with the court to enforce the parenting time, even though our parenting plan is specifically spelled out in black and white, will my daughter's opinions and feelings pose a risk at disrupting the court enforcing that plan and possibly change it? I feel rather powerless right now and am not sure which direction to take. The guy from a father's right website told me that kids around this age often prefer to be with the parent who is more lenient and so that this is normal and even if I am successful in getting this enforced it could make my daughter really not like me (but at this point I don't see how it matters). He says he calls it the "black hole" that the kids go into around this age and don't emerge from until they are like over 18 but I'm not ok with not seeing my daughter for that long. Her mom and I got divorced in 2005 and the parenting plan has been established since then. Any helpful advice is extremely appreciated! Thank you!

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Have you asked your daughter why she doesn't want to visit you for the last two years? I would start there.

But no she has no choice in coming or not and if your ex isn't exercising parenting time then take her to court for contempt. But I would talk to the child first before doing that.

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Quoting petermg

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Oregon
So my daughter, who will be 13 in the next 4 days, says she hasn't felt comfortable coming over to my place in the last 2 years and now her mother says that she has a choice and does NOT have to come over if she doesn't want to. She believes that a court will allow the child to decide not to come over if they are her age. So right now I don't know what to do. If I file with the court to enforce the parenting time, even though our parenting plan is specifically spelled out in black and white, will my daughter's opinions and feelings pose a risk at disrupting the court enforcing that plan and possibly change it? I feel rather powerless right now and am not sure which direction to take. The guy from a father's right website told me that kids around this age often prefer to be with the parent who is more lenient and so that this is normal and even if I am successful in getting this enforced it could make my daughter really not like me (but at this point I don't see how it matters). He says he calls it the "black hole" that the kids go into around this age and don't emerge from until they are like over 18 but I'm not ok with not seeing my daughter for that long. Her mom and I got divorced in 2005 and the parenting plan has been established since then. Any helpful advice is extremely appreciated! Thank you!

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In a way I agree with your friend and in a way I do not. Any time that you head back to court there is always the possibility that the outcome will be something that you won't like.

However, the odds of a judge giving a 13 year old the option to not visit, when there are no unusual circumstances is honestly pretty slim. However its not totally outside the realm of possibility that the judge might adjust parenting time to some degree if the 13 year old articulates a non "grass is greener" mentality.

I think its not unusual that a teen is going to gravitate towards the parent who tends to be more lenient. However, I also think its important that the parent who is more strict, examine their own situation to make sure that they are not going overboard either.

I have observed many cases in the world where I have thought that both parents were their own worst enemies...one would be too lenient and the other would be too strict, and between the two of them they would make their child's life miserable.

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Quoting llworking

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In a way I agree with your friend and in a way I do not. Any time that you head back to court there is always the possibility that the outcome will be something that you won't like.

However, the odds of a judge giving a 13 year old the option to not visit, when there are no unusual circumstances is honestly pretty slim. However its not totally outside the realm of possibility that the judge might adjust parenting time to some degree if the 13 year old articulates a non "grass is greener" mentality.

I think its not unusual that a teen is going to gravitate towards the parent who tends to be more lenient. However, I also think its important that the parent who is more strict, examine their own situation to make sure that they are not going overboard either.

I have observed many cases in the world where I have thought that both parents were their own worst enemies...one would be too lenient and the other would be too strict, and between the two of them they would make their child's life miserable.

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Thanks. As it currently stands it appears she just doesn't want to come over at all and my ex isn't going to make her, so when it comes to going to court, I'm currently not experiencing any parenting time with my daughter that I would lose out on, since she currently isn't coming over at all. If the judge modifies it so be it, that is out of my control so I won't stress too much about that. I don't want to pick a fight with my ex, I simply want the judge to make my ex stop giving my daughter a choice and enforce it. So I guess back to court I go.

Thank you all for your replies!

A judge can try punishing Mom, sure, but as your daughter gets older best interests is going to come into play and the likelihood of Mom getting severely punished drops significantly.