Can You Help a Gay Minor Move Out of an Unsupportive Home

My question involves child abuse or neglect in the State of: so my niece will be 16 next month (July) and her parents just found out she was gay. They took her phone, her bedroom door off and have been ignoring her since they found out. She has not left her bedroom but to go grab a bit to eat and come back. She has been through child abuse when she was younger and we went to court for that and everything. Now this. She wants to live out and live with her aunt where she can be happy and took care of and loved. Her mother loves her but her and her husband (not the child's father) will not condone her being gay and will have and it and says she will change. She cannot change her heart and I feel like they are neglecting her and emotional abusing her. She doesn't have a phone to talk to anyone, doesn't go anywhere from the house, in her room all the time and they don't talk to her, and she is really unhappy. My worry is she has been through so much already and as a teenager she already had a lot on her plate and now this. I'm afraid she may go off the deep end if they keep on like this with her. I'm not saying she will nor has she gave me any signs of it but I know a teenager and I know suicide/depression rates are higher in them. What can I do to get her outta the house and living where she will be happy and able to be herself??

There is nothing you can do. Her parents are allowed to punish her for being open about her sexuality, and what they're doing is not illegal (it's called "Kicked out of the garden of eden").

As cruel as it sounds, children do not actually have the right to be happy.

(This assumes you and your friend live in the US)

Even if a drug addict lives in the home?? One that's been in trouble with the law?? Someone that comes and goes as the please?? Even with someone like that in the house I can't help in anyway?

And when did the drug addict move in?

I added to the previous message and he comes in and out all the time. They say they won't let him come back and they always do. He says he ain't using but others say different even his ex girlfriend.

I'm going to back up a little to try and help you understand the legalities here.

Parents have a constitutionally-protected right to parent their children. This right is so massive, so important, that it takes major and often drastic changes to remove or modify those rights. When Mom and Dad first got together they pretty much told the world (and more importantly, the courts ) that at they thought each other was just fine parenting material. The court will agree with their choice until there's a reason to change things.

Now to the crux of the matter.

There is no comprehensive list of what makes a parent unfit. Living with a drug addict is not necessarily considered to be a threat to the child, nor is it automatically considered to have a detrimental effect on the child's wellbeing. Think of say ... Mom needs her Valium and her Xanax each and every day, with a couple of glasses of wine at night, because she has a stressful life. Many people wouldn't consider Mom to be an addict, but she would fit the criteria in most medical journals. As long as the child comes to no harm, that's likely to be considered nothing at all. Pot is now largely considered the same way.

Now if the parent (or whoever) is dealing from the house, or has multiple convictions, that might warrant taking a look at the current situation. If they're running a meth lab, then something has to happen.

As sad as it sounds, the acceptable level of parenting is depressingly low. As long as the child is fed, has a roof over his head, and clothes, that's usually all that is required.

Make sense so far?

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Quoting Brown33

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I added to the previous message and he comes in and out all the time. They say they won't let him come back and they always do. He says he ain't using but others say different even his ex girlfriend.

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(please don't add to messages ... just hit reply)

Yea. I get it. Thanks. I was just trying to help her before she got in that depression suicide state of mine after everything she had been through and goin through. And the one person she talks to (her aunt) and tells everything to she can't talk to cause she don't had a phone. So I was trying to help figure something out for her. Thank you

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Quoting Brown33

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Yea. I get it. Thanks. I was just trying to help her before she got in that depression suicide state of mine after everything she had been through and goin through. And the one person she talks to (her aunt) and tells everything to she can't talk to cause she don't had a phone. So I was trying to help figure something out for her. Thank you

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I know, believe me. Can you encourage her to speak with a school counselor?

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She has been through child abuse when she was younger and we went to court for that and everything.

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You did not go to court, unless you sat in the gallery and observed. Of are you saying that you participated in said child abuse? Switching from 1st to 3rd person can make your writing unclear.

You cannot unilaterally move your niece into your home, assuming that you're the aunt in question.

Having a convict in the home doesn't mean anything, really, unless the crimes were involving children and such. Simply being an ex con doesn't mean they can't live with children. Crime isn't contagious like, say, staph.

Lots of teens go through "stuff" without ever becoming acutely depressed enough to show signs of suicidal ideation. You can suggest that she speak to a counselor, depending on what services are provided where the child lives, but that's about all that you can do as the aunt beyond providing a sympathetic ear and a cup of coffee or whatever. If you step on the parents toes you can be denied access to your niece with not recourse. I would suggest that you consider all of this before moving forward with anything precipitous.

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Quoting Brown33

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My question involves child abuse or neglect in the State of: so my niece will be 16 next month (July) and her parents just found out she was gay. They took her phone, her bedroom door off and have been ignoring her since they found out. She has not left her bedroom but to go grab a bit to eat and come back. She has been through child abuse when she was younger and we went to court for that and everything. Now this. She wants to live out and live with her aunt where she can be happy and took care of and loved. Her mother loves her but her and her husband (not the child's father) will not condone her being gay and will have and it and says she will change. She cannot change her heart and I feel like they are neglecting her and emotional abusing her. She doesn't have a phone to talk to anyone, doesn't go anywhere from the house, in her room all the time and they don't talk to her, and she is really unhappy. My worry is she has been through so much already and as a teenager she already had a lot on her plate and now this. I'm afraid she may go off the deep end if they keep on like this with her. I'm not saying she will nor has she gave me any signs of it but I know a teenager and I know suicide/depression rates are higher in them. What can I do to get her outta the house and living where she will be happy and able to be herself??

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If there is any evidence of abuse or neglect you can call CPS or the police. But taking her door off and her phone aren't either. It would be helpful if her mom and stepfather would go to therapy with her but no one can make them.

Where's her father?

She needs to talk to a counselor or someone. No one is getting her out of the house unless there is some serious abuse or neglect happening.

I'm somewhat confused.... this is your niece? Is the aunt she wants to live with someone else? How do you communicate with her? What state is she in?

She is in TN and I'm the aunt and I live in Alabama but I am willing to move back to TN if I can get her out of the house. She wants to live with me. An yes I live with my boyfriend. An yes this is my niece

She has been through hell and back and I'm not goin to put all that out here. She done been to counseling for that other reason and her father is in jail where he belongs. But I guess them ignoring her and the only time they do talk to her is to fuss at her and put her down. I'm guessing that's not abuse either. But I guess whopping a child is abuse by law these day but ignoring their child and their privacy by taking doors down and taking their phone away (isolating them) and putting them down ain't any type of abuse. In my book that is neglect of a child and emotional abuse. If you can do these things in a relationship and they be considered emotional abuse what's the difference here other than it's by her mother and step dad. And I'm guessing by them letting a drug user who had been in an out of jail and all that ain't putting the child in harms way either. Sorry didn't mean to rant or fuss just frustrated that she has to once again deal with a situation that leads to a mess. An you can't talk to the mother and step dad because they won't condole that in their house and demaind her to change cause they won't have it.

The bottom line here is that unless CPS finds sufficient evidence to remove her from the home, in which case there is no guarantee that she will be placed with you (and no chance at all if you are living out of state) she lives where her parents say she lives until she is 18.

I notice that nowhere is there mention of the Niece's age. How old is she?

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n my book that is neglect of a child and emotional abuse.

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Your book is 100% irrelevant. You are WAY too invested in a situation that you have no control over. If you choose to interfere you can lose access to your niece. Her parents can bar access.

Removing her door and taking away her phone are not illegal and do not constitute child abuse. Emotional abuse really isn't a thing. There is no right enumerated anywhere that you get to feel good. IF there is emotional abuse (I really hate that term) that would constitute a crime proving it would be...difficult. As a parent you required to provide a few changes of clothing, food and place for the child to sleep. There is no legal requirement that they get their own room, bed, door phone, computer or anything else. Oh, children are also obligated to attend school.

You continue to try to make the convict a relevant part of the discussion but unless the crimes he was convicted for involve children or possibly of a sexual nature that require no children around him in the parole requirements than it's not a problem, legally.

Parents can be awful people, no doubt, and they have a lot of control. They can exclude a nosy aunt, for example, who interferes. They can also punish the child for the actions and interference of the nosy aunt.

I can tell you to give your niece the same advice that Dan Savage would give her (if you don't know who he is I suggest you look him up. He could be a valuable and comforting resource for your niece): The best revenge is to lead a happy life. As a kid you can't escape. You're stuck. So, bide your time, get a good education and take care of yourself. Get a job and the money if you can. When you turn 18 you can leave the crappy flyspeck town that you live in and go somewhere where you be accepted. Keep going to school and learn how to be happy. It gets better.

Try this. http://www.itgetsbetter.org

Dan has also written some books that could be helpful.

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Quoting Brown33

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She is in TN and I'm the aunt and I live in Alabama but I am willing to move back to TN if I can get her out of the house. She wants to live with me. An yes I live with my boyfriend. An yes this is my niece

She has been through hell and back and I'm not goin to put all that out here. She done been to counseling for that other reason and her father is in jail where he belongs. But I guess them ignoring her and the only time they do talk to her is to fuss at her and put her down. I'm guessing that's not abuse either. But I guess whopping a child is abuse by law these day but ignoring their child and their privacy by taking doors down and taking their phone away (isolating them) and putting them down ain't any type of abuse. In my book that is neglect of a child and emotional abuse. If you can do these things in a relationship and they be considered emotional abuse what's the difference here other than it's by her mother and step dad. And I'm guessing by them letting a drug user who had been in an out of jail and all that ain't putting the child in harms way either. Sorry didn't mean to rant or fuss just frustrated that she has to once again deal with a situation that leads to a mess. An you can't talk to the mother and step dad because they won't condole that in their house and demaind her to change cause they won't have it.

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Actually in most states "whooping" a child isn't even child abuse. Each state has a different level of what constitutes physical child abuse.

But I would say yes beating your child is child abuse but disciplining them is not. Taking the doors off isn't abuse - no child has the "right" to privacy from t heir parents. Taking the phone isn't abuse either. That's called parenting to most people and courts. Putting your kid down...depends on what is said. My mom emotionally abused us.

Neglect would be her basic life needs aren't being met. No one said it's okay to emotionally abuse children but it's hard to prove emotional abuse - whether you are a kid or an adult.

How is a drug user being in the house a harm to her? Is the drug user giving the minor drugs? Is the drug user abusing her physically or sexually? Or is the drug abuser minding his or her own business with her drugs away from the kid? I wouldn't want a drug addict around my daughter but I'm not them.

Parents legally can object to their children's sexual orientation. As it has been stated, if CPS doesn't find any signs of abuse then they can't and won't do anything. Unless CPS finds evidence to remove her there isn't much you can do. She's not the only gay teen who has had to deal with crappy parents who don't like the way they were born. Some people get support when they come out, some don't.

When did you visit the child in Tenn and see the things she is telling you for yourself ? Teenagers lie and embellish. If you have not been in her home recently as well as talked with her parents you have nothing to base what she is telling you on.