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Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State

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  • 05-19-2017, 11:30 PM
    BuzzAldrin
    Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Massachusetts
    I think it makes perfect sense if my child has my last name, since ex's input as a parent (including financial input) is zero. On top of that, he's been deported to his home country recently. Also, i'm a sole custodian. Do i anyways have to ask him for consent to change my child's last name? I do not have his address to send a notice, of course. I do have an email though. So my major question is: are judges typically fine with Petitions for Name Change of a minor without consent or notice to the other parent? Or they'd make me try to find him somehow overseas? If that's the case, would email correspondence be sufficient? Any input is appreciated. Thank you!
  • 05-20-2017, 04:58 AM
    jumanji
    Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
    Generally speaking, Dad's consent would be required. You should consult with a local attorney regarding how to proceed given your particular circumstances.
  • 05-20-2017, 05:15 AM
    flyingron
    Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
    Having sole custody isn't the same as the other parent's rights being terminated completely. Just because he is deported doesn't remove his rights. Normally, if you can't have the other parent join in the action, you serve them or if that's not possible follow the publication requiements. Massachusetts do allow judge to waive the publication requirement for good cause (this sounds like a case where it's probably pointless). You should have an attorney assist you in drafting the peitition, order, and motions for waiving publication or making sure that if publiation is required it is done properly.

    Then during the hearing, since you don't have consent of the ohter parent, you'll have to make a case that this is in the best interests of the child. Again, an attorney can help you with that argument. Not getting support from the father is *NOT* a reason.
  • 05-20-2017, 05:40 AM
    BuzzAldrin
    Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
    Quote:

    Quoting flyingron
    View Post
    Having sole custody isn't the same as the other parent's rights being terminated completely. Just because he is deported doesn't remove his rights. Normally, if you can't have the other parent join in the action, you serve them or if that's not possible follow the publication requiements. Massachusetts do allow judge to waive the publication requirement for good cause (this sounds like a case where it's probably pointless). You should have an attorney assist you in drafting the peitition, order, and motions for waiving publication or making sure that if publiation is required it is done properly.

    Then during the hearing, since you don't have consent of the ohter parent, you'll have to make a case that this is in the best interests of the child. Again, an attorney can help you with that argument. Not getting support from the father is *NOT* a reason.

    I've already drafted the documents (everything, but motion for waiving publication, thank you for letting me know of that one!). By not getting support from him i meant that he pretty much abandoned our child, who doesn't even know him, since we got separated when he was an infant and ex hardly ever visited the first 6 months, then stopped visiting completely (was still in the country then). Hope that's convincing enough - all that's left from the father is the last name...
  • 05-20-2017, 06:30 AM
    flyingron
    Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
    Again, not getting support or seeing the child is NOT a reason in itself to permit the name change. The courts are ill-disposed of using a name change as an end-run around a formal rights termination procedure.

    You're going to have to show some reason why the child is disadvantaged of having his actual father's surname.
  • 05-20-2017, 07:21 AM
    llworking
    Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
    Quote:

    Quoting flyingron
    View Post
    Again, not getting support or seeing the child is NOT a reason in itself to permit the name change. The courts are ill-disposed of using a name change as an end-run around a formal rights termination procedure.

    You're going to have to show some reason why the child is disadvantaged of having his actual father's surname.

    What does changing a child's last name (in this instance) have anything to do with terminating a parent's rights? When a court orders that a child's last name be changed from mom's to dad's I bet you don't consider that as an "end-run" around a formal rights termination of mom's rights? Why the heck should changing it from dad's to mom's be any different at all?

    Mom hasn't mentioned a husband or anything like that so it doesn't appear to be an end run around a stepparent adoption. What ADVANTAGE does the child have having a totally absent, deported for good father's last name?
  • 05-20-2017, 09:32 AM
    Mr. Knowitall
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    In the absence of consent, you will need to convince a court that it is in the child's best interest to change the child's name. Your ex- will be permitted to object through written filings, to be represented by a lawyer and, even though deported, may be able to get an accommodation such as participation by telephone. You are responsible to serve him with your petition.
  • 05-20-2017, 10:36 AM
    jumanji
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    How old is the child?
  • 05-20-2017, 10:51 AM
    Dogmatique
    Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
    Quote:

    Quoting llworking
    View Post
    What does changing a child's last name (in this instance) have anything to do with terminating a parent's rights? When a court orders that a child's last name be changed from mom's to dad's I bet you don't consider that as an "end-run" around a formal rights termination of mom's rights? Why the heck should changing it from dad's to mom's be any different at all?

    Mom hasn't mentioned a husband or anything like that so it doesn't appear to be an end run around a stepparent adoption. What ADVANTAGE does the child have having a totally absent, deported for good father's last name?

    What disadvantage is there? Come on.
  • 05-20-2017, 11:32 AM
    llworking
    Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
    Quote:

    Quoting Dogmatique
    View Post
    What disadvantage is there? Come on.

    The sexism in flyron's post is what annoyed me.
  • 05-20-2017, 05:18 PM
    BuzzAldrin
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting jumanji
    View Post
    How old is the child?

    2.5 years old.

    Quote:

    Quoting Dogmatique
    View Post
    What disadvantage is there? Come on.

    Well, we already encounter a number of problems now: a lot of people around don't have much tact and when they see his last name and recognize it as one typical for their nationality, they either start asking where the last name is coming from (well, where could a child have a last name from? You know the answer, it's apparent!), or just start speaking the language i do not speak right away, and get visibly disappointed that i do not speak it. Everything is always in front of my child. This is definitely not how and when i want to tell him about his father and his roots. He hasn't asked anything so far, since he's so little. And i absolutely don't want one of such conversations to go wrong one day, as once again, a lot of people just don't have much tact. I'm not even mentioning that i have to spell two lengthy complicated last names each time i make an appointment for him etc.
  • 05-20-2017, 05:50 PM
    flyingron
    Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
    Quote:

    Quoting llworking
    View Post
    The sexism in flyron's post is what annoyed me.

    What sexism? The child has the actual father's surname (apparently). You have to indicate why it would be in the child's interest to change that.
    If the child had the mother's surname and she wanted to change it to something else, I'd have would have said "you have to explain why having the mother's surname is a disadvantage."
  • 05-20-2017, 09:31 PM
    jumanji
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting BuzzAldrin
    View Post
    2.5 years old.



    Well, we already encounter a number of problems now: a lot of people around don't have much tact and when they see his last name and recognize it as one typical for their nationality, they either start asking where the last name is coming from (well, where could a child have a last name from? You know the answer, it's apparent!), or just start speaking the language i do not speak right away, and get visibly disappointed that i do not speak it. Everything is always in front of my child. This is definitely not how and when i want to tell him about his father and his roots. He hasn't asked anything so far, since he's so little. And i absolutely don't want one of such conversations to go wrong one day, as once again, a lot of people just don't have much tact. I'm not even mentioning that i have to spell two lengthy complicated last names each time i make an appointment for him etc.

    Why do you feel he is too young to know that your husband is not the Daddy who made him? That he has a heritage with a richness and language and culture all its own? My neighbors have two adopted (from ages younger than your son's) children from cultures visibly different from their own, and both have known from Day One across the street that each has a Mommy and Daddy who made them, and a Mommy and Daddy who are raising them.

    I'm sorry - you are only making things more difficult for your son, IMO. And you may find that it backfires on you when he discovers the truth. Really - (in my opinion) you should be doing everything possible to help him learn where he comes from via his Father. Where You chose him to come from. Something to think about...
  • 05-20-2017, 09:42 PM
    BuzzAldrin
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting jumanji
    View Post
    Why do you feel he is too young to know that your husband is not the Daddy who made him? That he has a heritage with a richness and language and culture all its own? My neighbors have two adopted (from ages younger than your son's) children from cultures visibly different from their own, and both have known from Day One across the street that each has a Mommy and Daddy who made them, and a Mommy and Daddy who are raising them.

    I'm sorry - you are only making things more difficult for your son, IMO. And you may find that it backfires on you when he discovers the truth. Really - (in my opinion) you should be doing everything possible to help him learn where he comes from via his Father. Where You chose him to come from. Something to think about...

    Where did i say that i have a husband? I do not! I just want my son to have my (my very own from birth) last name for the ease of it and to avoid annoying questions! What's wrong with that? Btw, both my ex and me are from the same culture, it's just his last name that makes evident that his roots are from a particular part of pretty much the same country. My son doesn't know yet that everyone is born by a father and a mother, and i don't think there's any sense telling him anything until he asks.. When he asks, i will.
  • 05-20-2017, 09:50 PM
    jumanji
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting BuzzAldrin
    View Post
    Where did i say that i have a husband? I do not! I just want my son to have my (my very own from birth) last name for the ease of it and to avoid annoying questions! What's wrong with that? Btw, both my ex and me are from the same culture, it's just his last name that makes evident that his roots are from a particular part of pretty much the same country. My son doesn't know yet that everyone is born by a father and a mother, and i don't think there's any sense telling him anything until he asks.. When he asks, i will.

    Simmer down - I must have conflated you with another poster. Mea culpa.

    I'll be honest with you - 2 1/2 is not too early to start the basic facts of life. I mean.... your son doesn't know that most living creatures have a Mommy and a Daddy? Where does he think he came from? You and a tree? Have you never gone to a zoo together? Watched Bambi? Animal Planet? Looked at/read books about baby animals? By the time he asks? May be too late. Good luck to this child.
  • 05-20-2017, 10:05 PM
    BuzzAldrin
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting jumanji
    View Post
    Simmer down - I must have conflated you with another poster. Mea culpa.

    I'll be honest with you - 2 1/2 is not to early to start the basic facts of life. I mean.... your son doesn't know that most living creatures have a Mommy and a Daddy? Where does he think he came from? You and a tree? Have you never gone to a zoo together? Watched Bambi? Animal Planet? Looked at/read books about baby animals? By the time he asks? May be too late. Good luck to this child.

    Oh, yes, this is exactly what he's thinking, me and a tree. lol My question was about a different subject matter, so if you have something substantial to add to that, i'd appreciate it. Otherwise, you really don't see the whole picture to be so sure what's the right thing for me to do as a mom here.
  • 05-20-2017, 10:15 PM
    jumanji
    Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
    But I feel compelled to add an amusing (to me) anecdote regarding how different people view the topic of sex. MY parents never talked to me about it. Simply not an appropriate topic of discussion. At.All. As a result, I felt it important to keep open (age-appropriate) lines of communication with my kids. And we always have. Sure, it was sometimes a bit embarrassing as they got older, but.... such is life. How I raised my kids in this regard never really came up with my parents (Mom, in particular). Until that fateful day...

    (cue) Dum Dum DAAAA

    My 18yo (my youngest, YC from here) was home for the summer (from college), and we sat down for dinner. (Note: she was working on a >livestock< farm.) Mom asked about her day, whether she did anything interesting. YC replied "Actually, Grandma, It was an AWESOME Day! I helped inseminate some female >livestock<! If any take, I should be able to be home when the babies are born and help deliver them!" I swear Mom almost choked. After eating, YC went off to meet some friends and I was read the riot act. How inappropriate it was for YC to be involved in such activities and be so knowledgeable about (whispered) s-e-x... Young LADIES were not involved in such activities! They should not even be AWARE of them! Even Dad was ROFL. She has told me how happy she is that we were always able to talk about these things, because she feels it helped her from doing things "just because" her friends were.

    And no, I do not need to hear how it is different with a son - I know. Many here know that I know. But that is not a personal tale I intend to address here.
  • 05-21-2017, 08:21 AM
    Mark47n
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting BuzzAldrin
    View Post
    Oh, yes, this is exactly what he's thinking, me and a tree. lol My question was about a different subject matter, so if you have something substantial to add to that, i'd appreciate it. Otherwise, you really don't see the whole picture to be so sure what's the right thing for me to do as a mom here.

    Given that you're the one looking for advice I'd suggest you tone it down.

    At the end of the day and at this point you will have to petition the court and demonstrate that it's in the child's best interests to that their name changed. Not yours, theirs. It not a slam dunk. You may have makes a reasonable attempt to notify your ex, to include notifying him of the petition via registered mail and/or publication. Given your situation I'd really recommend an attorney to guide you through this.
  • 05-21-2017, 09:23 AM
    llworking
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting BuzzAldrin
    View Post
    Oh, yes, this is exactly what he's thinking, me and a tree. lol My question was about a different subject matter, so if you have something substantial to add to that, i'd appreciate it. Otherwise, you really don't see the whole picture to be so sure what's the right thing for me to do as a mom here.

    Ok, Now I understand your actual motivation in changing your child's last name and I do feel some sympathy for you. I do not think that your reason is trivial and your child is young enough that he won't know the difference. I do feel however, that this is something that you should discuss with a local attorney to get a better feel for how the judges in your area would respond to the fact that you basically cannot serve your ex since he has been deported and you do not know where he lives.
  • 05-21-2017, 08:45 PM
    BuzzAldrin
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting llworking
    View Post
    Ok, Now I understand your actual motivation in changing your child's last name and I do feel some sympathy for you. I do not think that your reason is trivial and your child is young enough that he won't know the difference. I do feel however, that this is something that you should discuss with a local attorney to get a better feel for how the judges in your area would respond to the fact that you basically cannot serve your ex since he has been deported and you do not know where he lives.

    Thank you so much! Yeah, you're right, i guess i'll have to talk to an attorney. Just found out that my parents have mailing address of his parents, maybe the judge will be fine if i serve him at his parents' address? Probably better, than no service at all...
  • 05-21-2017, 11:19 PM
    Dogmatique
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Is that TRUTHFULLY his last known address?

    If the answer to that is "nope", then no - you can't serve him at his parents' address.
  • 05-22-2017, 12:42 AM
    llworking
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting Dogmatique
    View Post
    Is that TRUTHFULLY his last known address?

    If the answer to that is "nope", then no - you can't serve him at his parents' address.

    His last known address isn't even going to be in the country where she knows he is living now.
  • 05-22-2017, 08:06 AM
    Mark47n
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting llworking
    View Post
    His last known address isn't even going to be in the country where she knows he is living now.

    A good faith effort will go a long way. If he was deported he may still have contact with his parents. At worst it's not helpful but it cannot be viewed as harmful.At best it will show that you tried to do what is right.
  • 05-22-2017, 08:13 AM
    Mr. Knowitall
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting BuzzAldrin
    View Post
    Thank you so much! Yeah, you're right, i guess i'll have to talk to an attorney. Just found out that my parents have mailing address of his parents, maybe the judge will be fine if i serve him at his parents' address? Probably better, than no service at all...

    If his address cannot be found by other means, you should anticipate that the court will expect that you or your lawyer ask his parents for his current address so that he can be properly served.
  • 05-22-2017, 09:37 AM
    BuzzAldrin
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting Mr. Knowitall
    View Post
    If his address cannot be found by other means, you should anticipate that the court will expect that you or your lawyer ask his parents for his current address so that he can be properly served.

    Thank you! I'll ask them, if he doesn't respond. Easy to do.
  • 05-29-2017, 09:09 AM
    BuzzAldrin
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    I have a couple of stupid questions: how does a court know what exactly i mailed to my ex, if certified mail is an appropriate way of giving notice in MA? Not that i'm planning to send anything other then a copy of my petition, but still? Also, can i send him a notice of petition for child's name change before filing it in court or it has to be done after i file it? Should be after filing, i guess, but i want to make sure. Thanks!
  • 05-29-2017, 10:04 AM
    llworking
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting BuzzAldrin
    View Post
    I have a couple of stupid questions: how does a court know what exactly i mailed to my ex, if certified mail is an appropriate way of giving notice in MA? Not that i'm planning to send anything other then a copy of my petition, but still? Also, can i send him a notice of petition for child's name change before filing it in court or it has to be done after i file it? Should be after filing, i guess, but i want to make sure. Thanks!

    After since you have to serve him a copy that has the case number stamped on it.
  • 05-29-2017, 04:49 PM
    BuzzAldrin
    Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
    Quote:

    Quoting llworking
    View Post
    After since you have to serve him a copy that has the case number stamped on it.

    Thank you!
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