Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
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jumanji
How old is the child?
2.5 years old.
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Dogmatique
What disadvantage is there? Come on.
Well, we already encounter a number of problems now: a lot of people around don't have much tact and when they see his last name and recognize it as one typical for their nationality, they either start asking where the last name is coming from (well, where could a child have a last name from? You know the answer, it's apparent!), or just start speaking the language i do not speak right away, and get visibly disappointed that i do not speak it. Everything is always in front of my child. This is definitely not how and when i want to tell him about his father and his roots. He hasn't asked anything so far, since he's so little. And i absolutely don't want one of such conversations to go wrong one day, as once again, a lot of people just don't have much tact. I'm not even mentioning that i have to spell two lengthy complicated last names each time i make an appointment for him etc.
Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
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llworking
The sexism in flyron's post is what annoyed me.
What sexism? The child has the actual father's surname (apparently). You have to indicate why it would be in the child's interest to change that.
If the child had the mother's surname and she wanted to change it to something else, I'd have would have said "you have to explain why having the mother's surname is a disadvantage."
Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
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BuzzAldrin
2.5 years old.
Well, we already encounter a number of problems now: a lot of people around don't have much tact and when they see his last name and recognize it as one typical for their nationality, they either start asking where the last name is coming from (well, where could a child have a last name from? You know the answer, it's apparent!), or just start speaking the language i do not speak right away, and get visibly disappointed that i do not speak it. Everything is always in front of my child. This is definitely not how and when i want to tell him about his father and his roots. He hasn't asked anything so far, since he's so little. And i absolutely don't want one of such conversations to go wrong one day, as once again, a lot of people just don't have much tact. I'm not even mentioning that i have to spell two lengthy complicated last names each time i make an appointment for him etc.
Why do you feel he is too young to know that your husband is not the Daddy who made him? That he has a heritage with a richness and language and culture all its own? My neighbors have two adopted (from ages younger than your son's) children from cultures visibly different from their own, and both have known from Day One across the street that each has a Mommy and Daddy who made them, and a Mommy and Daddy who are raising them.
I'm sorry - you are only making things more difficult for your son, IMO. And you may find that it backfires on you when he discovers the truth. Really - (in my opinion) you should be doing everything possible to help him learn where he comes from via his Father. Where You chose him to come from. Something to think about...
Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
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jumanji
Why do you feel he is too young to know that your husband is not the Daddy who made him? That he has a heritage with a richness and language and culture all its own? My neighbors have two adopted (from ages younger than your son's) children from cultures visibly different from their own, and both have known from Day One across the street that each has a Mommy and Daddy who made them, and a Mommy and Daddy who are raising them.
I'm sorry - you are only making things more difficult for your son, IMO. And you may find that it backfires on you when he discovers the truth. Really - (in my opinion) you should be doing everything possible to help him learn where he comes from via his Father. Where You chose him to come from. Something to think about...
Where did i say that i have a husband? I do not! I just want my son to have my (my very own from birth) last name for the ease of it and to avoid annoying questions! What's wrong with that? Btw, both my ex and me are from the same culture, it's just his last name that makes evident that his roots are from a particular part of pretty much the same country. My son doesn't know yet that everyone is born by a father and a mother, and i don't think there's any sense telling him anything until he asks.. When he asks, i will.
Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
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BuzzAldrin
Where did i say that i have a husband? I do not! I just want my son to have my (my very own from birth) last name for the ease of it and to avoid annoying questions! What's wrong with that? Btw, both my ex and me are from the same culture, it's just his last name that makes evident that his roots are from a particular part of pretty much the same country. My son doesn't know yet that everyone is born by a father and a mother, and i don't think there's any sense telling him anything until he asks.. When he asks, i will.
Simmer down - I must have conflated you with another poster. Mea culpa.
I'll be honest with you - 2 1/2 is not too early to start the basic facts of life. I mean.... your son doesn't know that most living creatures have a Mommy and a Daddy? Where does he think he came from? You and a tree? Have you never gone to a zoo together? Watched Bambi? Animal Planet? Looked at/read books about baby animals? By the time he asks? May be too late. Good luck to this child.
Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
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jumanji
Simmer down - I must have conflated you with another poster. Mea culpa.
I'll be honest with you - 2 1/2 is not to early to start the basic facts of life. I mean.... your son doesn't know that most living creatures have a Mommy and a Daddy? Where does he think he came from? You and a tree? Have you never gone to a zoo together? Watched Bambi? Animal Planet? Looked at/read books about baby animals? By the time he asks? May be too late. Good luck to this child.
Oh, yes, this is exactly what he's thinking, me and a tree. lol My question was about a different subject matter, so if you have something substantial to add to that, i'd appreciate it. Otherwise, you really don't see the whole picture to be so sure what's the right thing for me to do as a mom here.
Re: Do I Have to Ask Ex's Agreement to Change Child's Last Name, if He's Overseas
But I feel compelled to add an amusing (to me) anecdote regarding how different people view the topic of sex. MY parents never talked to me about it. Simply not an appropriate topic of discussion. At.All. As a result, I felt it important to keep open (age-appropriate) lines of communication with my kids. And we always have. Sure, it was sometimes a bit embarrassing as they got older, but.... such is life. How I raised my kids in this regard never really came up with my parents (Mom, in particular). Until that fateful day...
(cue) Dum Dum DAAAA
My 18yo (my youngest, YC from here) was home for the summer (from college), and we sat down for dinner. (Note: she was working on a >livestock< farm.) Mom asked about her day, whether she did anything interesting. YC replied "Actually, Grandma, It was an AWESOME Day! I helped inseminate some female >livestock<! If any take, I should be able to be home when the babies are born and help deliver them!" I swear Mom almost choked. After eating, YC went off to meet some friends and I was read the riot act. How inappropriate it was for YC to be involved in such activities and be so knowledgeable about (whispered) s-e-x... Young LADIES were not involved in such activities! They should not even be AWARE of them! Even Dad was ROFL. She has told me how happy she is that we were always able to talk about these things, because she feels it helped her from doing things "just because" her friends were.
And no, I do not need to hear how it is different with a son - I know. Many here know that I know. But that is not a personal tale I intend to address here.
Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
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BuzzAldrin
Oh, yes, this is exactly what he's thinking, me and a tree. lol My question was about a different subject matter, so if you have something substantial to add to that, i'd appreciate it. Otherwise, you really don't see the whole picture to be so sure what's the right thing for me to do as a mom here.
Given that you're the one looking for advice I'd suggest you tone it down.
At the end of the day and at this point you will have to petition the court and demonstrate that it's in the child's best interests to that their name changed. Not yours, theirs. It not a slam dunk. You may have makes a reasonable attempt to notify your ex, to include notifying him of the petition via registered mail and/or publication. Given your situation I'd really recommend an attorney to guide you through this.
Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
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BuzzAldrin
Oh, yes, this is exactly what he's thinking, me and a tree. lol My question was about a different subject matter, so if you have something substantial to add to that, i'd appreciate it. Otherwise, you really don't see the whole picture to be so sure what's the right thing for me to do as a mom here.
Ok, Now I understand your actual motivation in changing your child's last name and I do feel some sympathy for you. I do not think that your reason is trivial and your child is young enough that he won't know the difference. I do feel however, that this is something that you should discuss with a local attorney to get a better feel for how the judges in your area would respond to the fact that you basically cannot serve your ex since he has been deported and you do not know where he lives.
Re: Can You Change Your Child's Name Without Agreement if Your Ex- Lives Out-of-State
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llworking
Ok, Now I understand your actual motivation in changing your child's last name and I do feel some sympathy for you. I do not think that your reason is trivial and your child is young enough that he won't know the difference. I do feel however, that this is something that you should discuss with a local attorney to get a better feel for how the judges in your area would respond to the fact that you basically cannot serve your ex since he has been deported and you do not know where he lives.
Thank you so much! Yeah, you're right, i guess i'll have to talk to an attorney. Just found out that my parents have mailing address of his parents, maybe the judge will be fine if i serve him at his parents' address? Probably better, than no service at all...