My question involves a child custody case from the State of California. I am currently in the process of fighting for custody of my newborn daughter.
A little back story:
I am an active duty Marine with an exemplary conduct record. I have never had any legal trouble other than speeding tickets. For the last 3 years(2014-2017) I was stationed in North Carolina, when I came home to visit family in 2016 I reconnected with a friend that I went to high school with. Everything was smooth sailing and we were happy together and decided that we wanted to try for a kid on one of her visits to North Carolina. We had planned her move out here and set the date in October 2016. In September 2016 she went back home to pack her things when she then found out she was pregnant. She immediately became very distant and we almost went 2 weeks without talking. she just said that she needed some space but she would come around. On the date that we had planned to move her to NC I flew out to California and the next day when I saw her she told me that she couldn't move anymore.. She already had her stuff in boxes, the moving service had been paid, the travel arrangements had been made, insurance in NC locked on, etc etc. After that happened I flew back to NC and gave her a little more space and a little more time. After a while I began to ask questions about her and the baby and she started ignoring me more often. Eventually we would go a week without talking and I would ask a simple question about the baby and she would accuse me of harassment. When I explained I was just checking on her and the baby I received a text from her mother and father asking me to cease and desist because me inquiring about the baby was stressful for her and therefor 'harassment'. When I explained to them that under CA code 527.6, me contacting her regarding our unborn child serves a legitimate purpose and is in no way harassment. At that point they told me to take it up with an attorney and her parents advised her to block all contact with me. A few weeks/month later she contacted me and wanted to talk again, she explained that she did not have much money and she mostly stayed at home. After hearing that I did a Walmart-Walmart money transfer and she picked up the money. Shortly after picking up the money she stated that her parents make a lot of money and she did not need my help or support and continued to block contact with me. She is currently unemployed and living off of her parents who make $300k+ per year.
Fast forward to February, I have pulled a lot of strings, and with the help of many great people I have been able to get stationed 2 hours outside of San Diego where the baby will be. I filed with the court and I have an attorney helping me. On 18 February myself and the babies mother attended a mediation session at FCS in San Diego County.
I will state the facts below:
-She is requesting Sole legal custody, Sole physical custody, and is willing to allow 1 hour of supervised visitation per week at her house.
-She stated to the mediator that I am a danger to myself and have threatened to kill myself.
-She stated that I am reckless and that I consume alcohol and drink and drive.
-She stated that because I have personal weapons at my house that if I were to ever become enraged that I could become a danger to myself and my child.
-She stated that I have not been proactively involved in her pregnancy so I should not be allowed to be a part of my babies life.
-She stated that she would be breast feeding the baby even though when we were together she was very against breast feeding and planned on using bottles 100% of the time.
-I explained that 1 hour of supervised visitation is not nearly enough time to form a bond with my child and I feel that it is very unfair that she would get 6 days and 23 hours a week with the child and I get 1 hour for a reason unbeknownst to me
-I explained that yes, I do on occasion drink alcohol with friends however I do not drink and drive, and I am always responsible when drinking. I have no interactions with the law, military, etc that would indicate otherwise.
-I explained that I am a Marine Corps qualified rifle and pistol expert and that I do have personal weapons in my house however they are secured when not in use. I am also a holder of a Virginia concealed carry permit.
-I explained that I have tried on multiple occasions to be involved in her pregnancy, to find out information about the baby, and to support her in any way possible and I have been accused of harassment and blocked.
The next part is my argument to the mediator:
-My counter to that was through every action I have proven that I want to be a part of my babies life more than anything. I left many great friends and family members behind in NC/VA to come here for my baby. I explained that I wanted a plan that was fair and equal for both of us and that I believed it was in the best interest of our child that both parents are a part of her life.
-I also brought in documentation with me with 30+ screenshots of messages showing how I have tried to be involved and how I have been accused of harassment. She also accused my mother of harassment because my mother sent her a message wishing her a happy Halloween and sent her words of encouragement and wished her best of luck with the pregnancy. I also included this message in the documentation.
-She has threatened to kill herself multiple times. I have included the messages in the documentation.
-Her father cheated on her mother, got herpes, and they began fighting in the house that resulted in the father becoming mentally unstable and giving her the keys to a gun safe and leaving to Northern California. At this point she felt unsafe because of her own suicidal ideations and left the house as well. I also have documentation of this.
-She admitted to the mediator that before pregnancy she would drink alcohol underage with her father as well as smoke dope.
-She admitted that she had been on medications for a mental disorder before.
-I argued that supervised visitation at her house would be unsafe because her father threatened to kill me if I ever came to their house again and she admitted that happened however said there would no longer be any tension.
I thought the mediation session went fairly well however after a week the report came and it was not how I expected. The mediator recommended that we both attend a 6 week parenting class, that we both undergo mental counseling, and that because she is breast feeding that I only get 2 hours of custody on Friday and 3 hours on both Saturday/Sunday. I feel like with all the evidence that I have this would be very to only have custody for 8 hours a week or >5% of the time. The next court hearing was scheduled for June 30 however that would prohibit me from seeing my daughter until she is at least 2 months old so my attorney called an exparte hearing
Fast forward to April 28th we have our first session with a judge. She does not show up, her attorney requested a 2 month extension(Until the end of June) so that that attorney could prepare because they had only been retained 2 days prior. Her attorney also argued that I should only have one hour of supervised visitation because it is a newborn baby so due to a newborns weakened immune system it would be harmful if I brought the baby to my mothers house less than one mile away from her house. She also argued that it should only be one hour because she will be breastfeeding every other hour. The judge said that was not going to happen and he was inclined to go with the mediators recommendation. I still feel that it would be very unfair that I get less than 5% custody and I feel that if she had that much custody I would be alienated from the babies life and that would not be enough time to form a lasting bond with my baby. I also included in my declaration to the court that I am recently married, my wife is a nanny with Child development I, II, and III certifications, CPR cert, nanny cert, etc that would be able to care for the baby while I am at work. I am also attached to a non-deployable unit for the next 3 years until I get out of the Marine Corps. I have a stable job, I have a house, I have reliable transportation, etc. The judge decided to give her a 2 week extension to recover from labor because her due date isn't until May 1st(yesterday). I have no way of knowing when my baby is born, I have no custody order, and I feel that the court is being very sided towards an incapable mother despite an abundance of evidence.
I am looking for any tips, any advice, anything I can do to ensure that I am able to be a part of my babies life because so far nothing I have done seems to be working. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and give their thoughts/opinions/ or advice.
Thank you, MarineDad.
edit: If there are any questions or anything I have forgotten to add please let me know and I will be sure to update this post.
How Should an Unmarried Father Fight for Custody
Printable View
-
05-02-2017, 01:08 PMMarineDadHow Should an Unmarried Father Fight for Custody
-
05-02-2017, 01:57 PMllworkingRe: Fighting for Custody in an Unfair Custody State
Dude...the child isn't even born yet and you are expecting to have a custody order? It just doesn't work that way.
Less than 9 months ago you were arranging for the mother to move in with you and now you are already married to someone else? You expect your newborn child to spend time with your obviously new wife rather than the child's mother?
You are expecting a woman who is 8-9 months pregnant to agree to just hand over her unborn child to you for what, 50% of the time even if you will not be available to spend time with the child?
Mom was not obligated at all to even sit down and negotiate with you about a child who is not even born yet...and you should be getting a paternity test before you even start bonding with the child. No matter how sure you are that its your child, you can never be certain until DNA says that its your child. -
05-02-2017, 02:08 PMMarineDadRe: Fighting for Custody in an Unfair Custody State
In California the court process takes between 3-4 months so they allow custody orders to be set before the child is born. She was absolutely required to attend or have an attorney attend the court hearing. I am not expecting to be given full custody right off the bat but I would like to think that it is not unreasonable to want more than 8 hours of custody a week. I won't go in to the specifics on how I know the child is mine but I will say that due to our location, the duration of her stay in NC, and the limited contact we had with anyone else at the time it is next to impossible that the baby is not mine. I have also established parental rights through the court already and she did not contest that part.
-
05-02-2017, 02:13 PMllworkingRe: Fighting for Custody in an Unfair Custody StateIn 20 years of participating on forums like this one I have never heard of CA allowing custody orders to be set before the child is even born. I have heard of CA allowing the process to get started before the child is born, but that is all.Quote:
Quoting MarineDad
-
05-02-2017, 02:16 PMMarineDadRe: Fighting for Custody in an Unfair Custody State
I don't know what to tell you. I was at court 4 days ago and the judge nearly issued the order but decided to grant an extension to allow the mother to recover from labor and hear her side of the story before making the final order. The judge also moved up the main hearing to 28 April at an exparte hearing with the intentions of finalizing the order on 28 April. Also for all I know the baby has already been born considering her due date was yesterday.
-
05-02-2017, 02:25 PMMercy&GraceRe: Fighting for Custody in an Unfair Custody State
Before Sept 2016 you thought you and mom were ready for a baby. Now you are married to someone else ? You need to give much more thought to life changing decisions you make. How old are you ?
You and mom aren't married. You have no proof you are the father. Mom will have sole custody until and unless the Judge decides differently. If/when there is legal proof you are the father, expect to pay mom child support. -
05-02-2017, 02:32 PMllworkingRe: Fighting for Custody in an Unfair Custody StateRe the bolded...I already brought that up and he completely ignored it.Quote:
Quoting Mercy&Grace
-
05-02-2017, 02:34 PMMarineDadRe: Fighting for Custody in an Unfair Custody State
As stated in my earlier comment, paternity has already been established. The first document served to her was the paternity action. She did not contest paternity and after her response to the court, paternity was legally established. I have accepted CA guideline child support and I am prepared to pay that amount. Yes, 9 months ago I thought I had found the right person and we were ready to have a kid. Obviously things did not work out and I was wrong. I married a long time friend and someone who has been here to support me through this whole process, she is in no way trying to take over the position of the babies mother. I am the one fighting for custody and I feel I should have every right to be a part of my babies life from the beginning.
-
05-02-2017, 03:11 PMqwaspolk69Re: Fighting for Custody in an Unfair Custody StateSo I found this:http://www.parents4children.com/plan...-before-birth/Quote:
Quoting llworking
In California, the Family Code provides for orders or judgments to be entered before a child is born, to enable their immediate effectuation after the child officially enters the world. Such orders are commonly used to assign physical and legal custody to the intended parents in the case of a surrogate birth, as well as to establish pre-birth custody to the non-biological parent in a same-sex marriage. Pre-birth orders can also be used to protect the rights of unmarried fathers.
But I can't find it in the Family Code. I found this: http://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-parentage.htm
Then there's this: https://blog.ceb.com/2014/07/11/thin...nd-visitation/
Pre-birth orders sought under California’s Uniform Parentage Act (UPA) (Fam C §7633) help preserve a calm environment for the child’s arrival and keep the hospital from having to play referee between the parents. A 2006 amendment to Fam C §7633 authorizes entry of pre-birth parentage judgments, provided that enforcement is stayed until the child is born.
Pre-birth orders can
allocate authority for medical decisions starting from birth,
ensure that both parents have a chance to hold the baby and enjoy opportunities for bonding, and
include a plan for the baby’s care on release from the hospital.
That's all the pre-birth order does - nothing about custody or visitation. I'm pretty sure that comes after the child is born.
1. You cannot get a custody order for a child that doesn’t even exist yet. No you cannot get a custody order on a fetus or embryo. How much sense do you think that makes to give custody to a male that may or may not even be the father? So no you cannot get custody of an unborn child.
2. Unmarried males have NO rights to a child until they establish paternity. So after the baby is born, you can go to court and file for paternity. They will make you take a DNA test. The unmarried mother has ALL the rights until a judge says otherwise.
3. Your first mistake was to “try” and have a baby with someone you really hadn’t been around in years. Bad idea. I hope lesson learned.
4. If she’s living with her parents and has a way to take care of the child the court will not hold that against her. Even if she was homeless they probably wouldn’t hold it against her. It’s a low threshold to be a parent in this country…
5. I don’t understand how you managed to file anything when there’s no baby yet. Also who cares if she’s not going to breastfeed? That’s not YOUR choice. That’s her choice because they’re her breasts. No judge is going to make any woman breastfeed her child. I didn’t breastfeed. My mom didn’t and she has five kids and we are all fine. I’m not getting into the breastfeeding argument but you better realize that is not a decision courts make.
6. You realize that you being active duty doesn’t help you with custody right? You might get joint once you file to establish paternity and you’re legally the father. But you are likely to not get sole custody at this point in time. What if you deploy? What about when you PCS? The messages don’t mean anything. Her threatening to kill herself don’t really mean anything either.
7. What does her parents marriage have to do with this child? Nothing. Oh and her drug use before pregnancy…not going to matter unless she comes up positive when the baby is born. Having a mental disorder does not preclude someone from being a parent or having custody. You can figure out supervised visitation with a mediator.
8. You both should go to a parenting class. A parenting class isn’t a bad thing. When I got divorced it’s mandatory in my state that both parents do an online parenting class. I did mine. My ex didn’t do his…why not do mental counseling? It could help you prepare for parenthood. I thought she wasn’t breastfeeding…
9. As stated in the other post: https://blog.ceb.com/2014/07/11/thin...nd-visitation/
Pre-birth orders sought under California’s Uniform Parentage Act (UPA) (Fam C §7633) help preserve a calm environment for the child’s arrival and keep the hospital from having to play referee between the parents. A 2006 amendment to Fam C §7633 authorizes entry of pre-birth parentage judgments, provided that enforcement is stayed until the child is born.
Pre-birth orders can
allocate authority for medical decisions starting from birth,
ensure that both parents have a chance to hold the baby and enjoy opportunities for bonding, and
include a plan for the baby’s care on release from the hospital.
That's all the pre-birth order does - nothing about custody or visitation. I'm pretty sure that comes after the child is born. I very highly doubt the judge was about to grant you custody or visitation.
10. You can feel it’s unfair but if that’s what you get, that’s what you get for custody. There are some dads who get nothing and who are good people and don’t see their kids at all.
11. You were just with her 9 months ago and you already married someone else within the 9 months since you got her pregnant??? How stable is that? How rational is that? Things change. You say you’re getting out in 3 years but you don’t know. I said I was getting out after 4 – 13 years later I’m still in the Army.
12. What evidence do you have that she’s “incapable” as a mother? She hasn’t had the baby yet? What makes you a “capable” father? Because you are in the military? Because you’re married? You make rash decisions too.
Wrong. See what I posted below. They do pre-birth orders ONLY for the delivery. https://blog.ceb.com/2014/07/11/thin...nd-visitation/Quote:
Quoting MarineDad
8 hours a week for a newborn? How far away do you live?
You don't know that kid is yours until you get a DNA test done when you file for paternity. Everything I have read about custody in California says that the unmarried father has no rights until he files. It is not "impossible" that is not biologically your potential child.
How did you file for paternity rights when there's no baby yet???? Nothing I found in California Family Law said anything about parental rights BEFORE a baby is born. I think you're mistaken. Because how did they do a DNA test? There's no way you got parental rights already. None.
Due dates don't mean shit dude. Mine was August 3 - I had my daughter July 3. Preeclampsia kind of screwed up my due date.Quote:
Quoting MarineDad
There's no way that happened. What happens if they do a DNA test and that isn't your kid? Something isn't right here. Is there any California lawyers on here?Quote:
Quoting MarineDad
-
05-02-2017, 03:42 PMMercy&GraceRe: Fighting for Custody in an Unfair Custody State
qwaspolk69 is correct. Due dates don't mean anything. Especially in cases of young first time mothers. Our first child was born 3 weeks after the due date.