What are the Chances of Getting Equal Custody

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Quoting Dogmatique

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You still should have kept your mouth shut. But that's just my opinion.

Back to the OP.

To even have a shot at more time, he needs to show the court that there has been a significant change of circumstances (usually - but not always - in the child's life), AND that the change requires a modification to the current order.

Without that, he doesn't have a shot at getting more time.

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Shoulda, coulda, woulda. But I didn't. Can't change it can I? Not apologetic for it at all either.

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Quoting Funnygrl20

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Thats what I thought. I think we are wasting money really. What i say I want is just what I think is reasonable for his non custodial weeks so she doesnt feel like too much out of a suitcase. Personally my idea of "reasonable" is that we need the orders to stay as is with phone calls facetime added on our non custodial nights (maybe twice a week), no prolonged loss off communication (aka when she does go out of the country on vacation which she does each year he is guaranteed x amount of video calls during the 14 days she is away), she is still not to plan things on his time (which shes done where she buys tickets and demands he gives up time) and their legal custody which is already shared is strictly enforced. Her husband nor myself are to be referred to as mom or dad. He needs to be put on the birth certificate (as she kept him off so he doesnt have to sign for her passport). And an extra overnight during our non custodial weekends. And all adults attend co parent counseling because her school is even asking that we all get along better.
It seems logical to me at least.

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You do know that the parents can work out things outside the agreement right? That's just the minimum that has to be done. No she shouldn't be planning things on his weekends but if she would be an adult she would offer to make up that time by giving him the next weekend or give him two weekends in a row or something.

Why should he get an extra overnight on her weekends? Is that what you're asking for? Or an extra overnight on his weekend?

I don't think that there will be any wording about enforcing shared legal custody. That's already in the order. The judge would just remind her about that or something.

You can probably get phone calls added and possibly the class. But he better realize that if she doesn't do these things he won't get anything from the court if he doesn't take her to court for contempt. If they don't know they can't do anything about it.

Were they ever married? My state when you divorce and kids are involved you are required to take an online parenting class.

I am not a lawyer, but my husband has has ongoing legal battles with his ex for over 10 years.

As others have already pointed out, your fiancé already has a pretty standard custody arrangement. When custody would come up with our attorney, he would often say that changing it past that is like going after the Holy Grail. You have to prove there is a significant reason to make the change. He would say, "I need a smoking gun."

I suspect you are spending your money on nothing. As others already pointed out, you would likely be more successful better defining the plan. If the mom is hostile, he may need to fight for his rights in talking with his daughter on the phone, etc. Over time, he might be able to prove contempt, but that is an expensive fight and usually the only people who win are the attorneys.

They were married. She took the class but all the stuff they tell you doesnt matter is what she brings up in court so its in and out and doesnt matter to her. Yes we know that we can work it outside court. We have tried. She wont. She doesnt want him having any more time unless shes forced to give it up..
The extra overnight would be on his non custodial weekends during the week. We already get her one overight every week but on the weekends he doesnt have her its a full 7 days before he sees her again and he doesnt like it being that long.

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Quoting oldsmom

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I am not a lawyer, but my husband has has ongoing legal battles with his ex for over 10 years.

As others have already pointed out, your fiancé already has a pretty standard custody arrangement. When custody would come up with our attorney, he would often say that changing it past that is like going after the Holy Grail. You have to prove there is a significant reason to make the change. He would say, "I need a smoking gun."

I suspect you are spending your money on nothing. As others already pointed out, you would likely be more successful better defining the plan. If the mom is hostile, he may need to fight for his rights in talking with his daughter on the phone, etc. Over time, he might be able to prove contempt, but that is an expensive fight and usually the only people who win are the attorneys.

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I agree and thats how i feel. The lawyers win. After watching Divorce INC I really see this child system in a different light. Esp when lawyers are in it saying its all a game and how it is.
The only real smoking gun we have is her lying about my step daughters safety. Esp with the last trip she took her on. Lied about trip being fine with no issues (we have her facebook posts showing otherwise) and that she didnt have cell service to have his daughter call (they drove down when hurricane matthew hit) but she was posting pics on facebook on her account. Things that show she lies about things to keep him away from.having a bond w his child and him making sure shes ok. Him being sick w worry was probably funny to her.

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Quoting Funnygrl20

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They were married. She took the class but all the stuff they tell you doesnt matter is what she brings up in court so its in and out and doesnt matter to her. Yes we know that we can work it outside court. We have tried. She wont. She doesnt want him having any more time unless shes forced to give it up..
The extra overnight would be on his non custodial weekends during the week. We already get her one overight every week but on the weekends he doesnt have her its a full 7 days before he sees her again and he doesnt like it being that long.



I agree and thats how i feel. The lawyers win. After watching Divorce INC I really see this child system in a different light. Esp when lawyers are in it saying its all a game and how it is.
The only real smoking gun we have is her lying about my step daughters safety. Esp with the last trip she took her on. Lied about trip being fine with no issues (we have her facebook posts showing otherwise) and that she didnt have cell service to have his daughter call (they drove down when hurricane matthew hit) but she was posting pics on facebook on her account. Things that show she lies about things to keep him away from.having a bond w his child and him making sure shes ok. Him being sick w worry was probably funny to her.

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Again him getting her every other weekend and one overnight is extremely normal. For him to ask for more than that he has to have a very good reason.

That is not a "smoking gun." At all. How can he not have a bond with his child seeing her every other weekend and one overnight every week? Do you realize the impact on the daughter if she's being bounced around from house to house more often? She's not going to feel like she has a home if she's always packing a suitcase. That's why there is never true 50/50. Have you thought about how more time would affect her?

Does he have a summer visitation like 4-6 weeks in the summer? That's probably the most he can try to fight for because most people get some sort of summer visitation. But he will not get more time during the week.

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Quoting qwaspolk69

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Again him getting her every other weekend and one overnight is extremely normal. For him to ask for more than that he has to have a very good reason.

That is not a "smoking gun." At all. How can he not have a bond with his child seeing her every other weekend and one overnight every week? Do you realize the impact on the daughter if she's being bounced around from house to house more often? She's not going to feel like she has a home if she's always packing a suitcase. That's why there is never true 50/50. Have you thought about how more time would affect her?

Does he have a summer visitation like 4-6 weeks in the summer? That's probably the most he can try to fight for because most people get some sort of summer visitation. But he will not get more time during the week.

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Well i think a little more time would be BETTER. Her mom has had her calling her husband "daddy" 6 months into their relationship yet got pissed when i said step mom once and caused a scene in court over it. The 4 yr old has told me "mommy and daddy tell me i cant talk to you." "Mommy says i cant call daddy" "mommy says youre not my best friend" This woman causes confusion w her and her step kids. She demands to be called their mother (her step kids). The mother of her step kids has told me that her kids tell her there is always fighting and yelling and they are not allowed to call their mom when they are there because my exs ex wife goes to her room and cries. Its just chaos (and the step kids are much older) so I think an extra night w us on weeks we dont have her on the weekends is reasonable. Enforced phone calls are reasonable too because if her step siblings are calling their mother and she sees it what message is that sending that shes not allowed to call her dad?
Shes even asked to stay w us more to her mom but her mom refuses and then denies she was asked.
Do i think 50 50 was ever realistic? No.
No he doesnt get more time in the summer. She is in a year round state program for daycare which requires a certain attendance level for her funding.

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Quoting Funnygrl20

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Well i think a little more time would be BETTER.

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The court cares not a whit about what you think.

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Her mom has had her calling her husband "daddy" 6 months into their relationship yet got pissed when i said step mom once and caused a scene in court over it. The 4 yr old has told me "mommy and daddy tell me i cant talk to you." "Mommy says i cant call daddy" "mommy says youre not my best friend" This woman causes confusion w her and her step kids. She demands to be called their mother (her step kids).

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She sounds just lovely. But I have to wonder, who is making more of a fuss about this ... the child, or her parents and stepparents?

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The mother of her step kids has told me

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You can stop there. The mother of her stepkids of course has no agenda at all ... right? C'mon, now. You know better.

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that her kids tell her there is always fighting and yelling and they are not allowed to call their mom when they are there because my exs ex wife goes to her room and cries.

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Why do parents insist on calling their children (or vice versa) during the other parents' parenting time?

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Its just chaos (and the step kids are much older) so I think an extra night w us on weeks we dont have her on the weekends is reasonable.

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Perhaps there would be less chaos if the parents were allowed to parent their child without interference?

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Enforced phone calls are reasonable too because if her step siblings are calling their mother and she sees it what message is that sending that shes not allowed to call her dad?

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Hang on. Didn't you just say that the kids weren't allowed to call their Mom? Which is it? :confused:

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Shes even asked to stay w us more to her mom but her mom refuses and then denies she was asked.

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Probably because she's FOUR. She'd probably love to spend a few days every week with Santa during the holidays, too. C'mon now.

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Do i think 50 50 was ever realistic? No.
No he doesnt get more time in the summer. She is in a year round state program for daycare which requires a certain attendance level for her funding.

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May I be blunt? This child is suffering more because of the immature parents in her life than anything else.

I'd say this to stepdad too, but he's not here and you are so ... you need to take a few steps back. This is Dad's mess - not yours. Your job is to love the child, and treat her like you would any child ... with kindness, love and compassion. Your job is not to get as embroiled in their parenting as you are. Doing so will only hurt Dad.

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Quoting Funnygrl20

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She is 4. We are 40 minutes away but her school she goes to for daycare is halfway between us both and we do exchages halfway too on the weekends he has her. The current arrangement has been in place for 2 years. We attend college online so we have flexability and all parties have 8 to 430 jobs (him myself and her mother and step father). Her mother is also in school as well online so it is all even there as well.

No extra time in summer. Does split holidays. She wont give him any extra time with his daughter unless the courts order it. She has too much of a priority of trying to edge him out of her life like she did her first marriage and son and his father. She has his daughter calling her 4th husband (whom they have been together a little over a year before getting married) daddy so and so..so ny fiance feels she needs more time here with us because her mother is already trying to alienate by refusing phone calls extra time and buying her whatever she wants to get her to want to be home more. He doesnt feel THAT is healthy for her.
For me with certain major changes coming I want to just maybe get extra time on our non custodial weekend weeks so she isnt going a whole week without seeing all of us. I also think a stiffer court order would be better as well since she really doesnt keep us informed and when he asks questions she is very rude and shuts him down for asking about his kid. She even says his daughter doesnt want to see him more which is a out right lie.

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Realistically, a 40 minute distance is not going to be workable once the child starts school for a true 50/50 timeshare. That would be two 80 minute round trips daily on every day that the child has school for the parent that doesn't live in the school district (which is almost guaranteed to be your fiancé) and that will not work well with your work schedules.

He certainly can get more time in the summer, however more time during the school/work week is simply not realistic.

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Quoting Funnygrl20

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Well i think a little more time would be BETTER. Her mom has had her calling her husband "daddy" 6 months into their relationship yet got pissed when i said step mom once and caused a scene in court over it. The 4 yr old has told me "mommy and daddy tell me i cant talk to you." "Mommy says i cant call daddy" "mommy says youre not my best friend" This woman causes confusion w her and her step kids. She demands to be called their mother (her step kids). The mother of her step kids has told me that her kids tell her there is always fighting and yelling and they are not allowed to call their mom when they are there because my exs ex wife goes to her room and cries. Its just chaos (and the step kids are much older) so I think an extra night w us on weeks we dont have her on the weekends is reasonable. Enforced phone calls are reasonable too because if her step siblings are calling their mother and she sees it what message is that sending that shes not allowed to call her dad?
Shes even asked to stay w us more to her mom but her mom refuses and then denies she was asked.
Do i think 50 50 was ever realistic? No.
No he doesnt get more time in the summer. She is in a year round state program for daycare which requires a certain attendance level for her funding.

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It doesn't matter what you think and honestly no it's not better for his daughter to be packing up a suitcase every week and never feel like she has a real home. Would you want to have done that as a child? Live out of a suitcase?

It doesn't matter what her mom does - and you are NOT her stepmom so I'm not sure why you even said that anyway. You have your fiancée talk to her mother about what their daughter tells you. Trust me you don't want to get in the middle of it. It just adds unwanted stress you don't need. If you see signs of abuse when she visits you can call the police. Otherwise you tell her father and HE deals with it.

Why are you talking to her stepkids mother? You need to back the f* up and get out of that asap before you cause a mess of trouble. It's not one bit of your business what HER stepkids are doing. None. So just stop. Mind your own damn business.

No an extra night on the weeks her father doesn't have her is not reasonable. He has a standard parenting plan right now. He is not going to get more time unless he can prove some serious change in situation and at that point he should be asking for custody if there is something that extreme.

Yes enforced phone calls are reasonable but the only way you can "enforce" them is he takes her to court.

Well if her mother says no to more than the mandatory visitation than it means no. Sorry but it's not up to you. And kids don't generally get a say until maybe they're teenagers.

Well I guess that's tough luck on him then until she gets pulled out of that daycare. Perhaps when she starts school he can go back and ask for six weeks or four weeks in the summer. Otherwise he will not get more time than what he already has.

You need to tread lightly in this situation and keep your nose out of other people's business.

"Why do parents insist on calling their children (or vice versa) during the other parents' parenting time? "

Even though my ex husband has never had a visitation plan from the court - the one time I let him have our daughter for a weekend was Father's Day after I filed. He was living with his dad and had two of the other three kids. Our daughter was not quite one yet. I told him he had to keep track of how much she drank from bottle, what food she ate, give her medications and how much she pooped and peed. (She has a kidney disorder). I dropped her off Fri afternoon. Stayed at my parents nearby. I called once during the weekend. They were gone so I left a message. I just wanted to see how things were going and ask about if she got her meds and other stuff. Then his other daughter called Sun to see when I was coming to get our daughter. Then he was messaging me if I would come earlier. I went to get her and he didn't write down anything. For the whole weekend. She hasn't been alone with him since then because he is unpredictable and often times homeless or in jail. And it's at my discretion.

I don't think it's wrong for the parent to call maybe once or if the kids want to call the other parent. His kids would call their mom when they were with us or she would call once in the weekend to talk to them. I don't feel that's unreasonable.

BUT I agree with everything else you said Dogmatique.

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Quoting llworking

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Realistically, a 40 minute distance is not going to be workable once the child starts school for a true 50/50 timeshare. That would be two 80 minute round trips daily on every day that the child has school for the parent that doesn't live in the school district (which is almost guaranteed to be your fiancé) and that will not work well with your work schedules.

He certainly can get more time in the summer, however more time during the school/work week is simply not realistic.

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She's apparently in "a year round state program for daycare which requires a certain attendance level for her funding." I told her when she starts school he should be able to get summers as she shouldn't be in a year round daycare by then.

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Quoting qwaspolk69

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It doesn't matter what you think and honestly no it's not better for his daughter to be packing up a suitcase every week and never feel like she has a real home. Would you want to have done that as a child? Live out of a suitcase?

It doesn't matter what her mom does - and you are NOT her stepmom so I'm not sure why you even said that anyway. You have your fiancée talk to her mother about what their daughter tells you. Trust me you don't want to get in the middle of it. It just adds unwanted stress you don't need. If you see signs of abuse when she visits you can call the police. Otherwise you tell her father and HE deals with it.

Why are you talking to her stepkids mother? You need to back the f* up and get out of that asap before you cause a mess of trouble. It's not one bit of your business what HER stepkids are doing. None. So just stop. Mind your own damn business.

No an extra night on the weeks her father doesn't have her is not reasonable. He has a standard parenting plan right now. He is not going to get more time unless he can prove some serious change in situation and at that point he should be asking for custody if there is something that extreme.

Yes enforced phone calls are reasonable but the only way you can "enforce" them is he takes her to court.

Well if her mother says no to more than the mandatory visitation than it means no. Sorry but it's not up to you. And kids don't generally get a say until maybe they're teenagers.

Well I guess that's tough luck on him then until she gets pulled out of that daycare. Perhaps when she starts school he can go back and ask for six weeks or four weeks in the summer. Otherwise he will not get more time than what he already has.

You need to tread lightly in this situation and keep your nose out of other people's business.

"Why do parents insist on calling their children (or vice versa) during the other parents' parenting time? "

Even though my ex husband has never had a visitation plan from the court - the one time I let him have our daughter for a weekend was Father's Day after I filed. He was living with his dad and had two of the other three kids. Our daughter was not quite one yet. I told him he had to keep track of how much she drank from bottle, what food she ate, give her medications and how much she pooped and peed. (She has a kidney disorder). I dropped her off Fri afternoon. Stayed at my parents nearby. I called once during the weekend. They were gone so I left a message. I just wanted to see how things were going and ask about if she got her meds and other stuff. Then his other daughter called Sun to see when I was coming to get our daughter. Then he was messaging me if I would come earlier. I went to get her and he didn't write down anything. For the whole weekend. She hasn't been alone with him since then because he is unpredictable and often times homeless or in jail. And it's at my discretion.

I don't think it's wrong for the parent to call maybe once or if the kids want to call the other parent. His kids would call their mom when they were with us or she would call once in the weekend to talk to them. I don't feel that's unreasonable.

BUT I agree with everything else you said Dogmatique.



She's apparently in "a year round state program for daycare which requires a certain attendance level for her funding." I told her when she starts school he should be able to get summers as she shouldn't be in a year round daycare by then.

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First off.. the stepmom thing was ONCE over 3 years ago and that was it. I am fine being called by my name. I dont feel forcing a child to call you mom or dad is approprite. You are not their mom or dad as a step parent.

Talking to the other mother was a while ago..I am just saying what i knew.

I do address that w my fiance but he says whats the point because she will deny it and then say she says the same about him so its pointless and the courts wont hear it anyway. Doesnt mean it doesnt hurt that she says those things. I do try to explain to her she can talk to me and its ok to have all of us as her best friends. She says no because mommy tells her no she cant.
Its just wrong to put that in a kids head. Sorry. Shes never said that til just recently.

Also she doesnt "live out of a suitcase". Why is it that is a response from a lot here? She has her own things at our house. The only "bag" that is packed is for her one class she has on weekends and we take her to when its our time. So she wouldnt ever live out of a suitcase no matter what the agreement is.

Like ive said. I know equal isnt going to happen. She starts pre k next year. We take her to school when we have her. Her mom also lives 40 min away from the daycare as well so shes in the car 80 minutes a day w all of us. So thats a wash basically.

Again. I know things arent going to go much more. I have tried to get him to work it out w her outside of court. Not that he doesnt want to hes tried. I just think that the more we go at each other (because her claims in court have been nothing short of attempts to control his time and limit interaction w his daughter not real issues petty stuff) it wont allow the situation to heal really.. it will just keep the issues fresh and no real resolution... and thats not good for his daughter moving forward.

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Quoting Funnygrl20

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First off.. the stepmom thing was ONCE over 3 years ago and that was it. I am fine being called by my name. I dont feel forcing a child to call you mom or dad is approprite. You are not their mom or dad as a step parent.

Talking to the other mother was a while ago..I am just saying what i knew.

I do address that w my fiance but he says whats the point because she will deny it and then say she says the same about him so its pointless and the courts wont hear it anyway. Doesnt mean it doesnt hurt that she says those things. I do try to explain to her she can talk to me and its ok to have all of us as her best friends. She says no because mommy tells her no she cant.
Its just wrong to put that in a kids head. Sorry. Shes never said that til just recently.

Also she doesnt "live out of a suitcase". Why is it that is a response from a lot here? She has her own things at our house. The only "bag" that is packed is for her one class she has on weekends and we take her to when its our time. So she wouldnt ever live out of a suitcase no matter what the agreement is.

Like ive said. I know equal isnt going to happen. She starts pre k next year. We take her to school when we have her. Her mom also lives 40 min away from the daycare as well so shes in the car 80 minutes a day w all of us. So thats a wash basically.

Again. I know things arent going to go much more. I have tried to get him to work it out w her outside of court. Not that he doesnt want to hes tried. I just think that the more we go at each other (because her claims in court have been nothing short of attempts to control his time and limit interaction w his daughter not real issues petty stuff) it wont allow the situation to heal really.. it will just keep the issues fresh and no real resolution... and thats not good for his daughter moving forward.

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(But you're not a stepparent either...just saying).

Well if your fiancée isn't willing to stand up for his daughter or address anything she says then he doesn't need to bitch about not getting enough time. No you don't take it to court. The court is not there to referee parents. They expect parents to be adults about things. Judges hate it when parents bring crap like that in front of them.

Also she's four. Keep that in mind.

I never said she DOES live out of a suitcase. I said if he asks for an overnight or more time on his off weeks she WILL feel like she lives out of suitcase. Maybe you should take a reading comprehension class...just a suggestion. If she were to have more time at her father's house than the standard parenting plan she would be living out of suitcase. WOULD not IS. Got it now?

Guess what? I would have loved an 80 minute round trip to get the stepkids than the 9 hour round trip I had when we lived in KS and then the 4 hour - 5 hour round trip we had when we moved to NE. 80 minutes to me would be nothing in getting stepkids or a significant others kids when I have had to travel a hell of a lot farther to get kids.

I guess you have your answer then. He's not going to get more time unless the mom gives it to him. Right now that's not happening. And the chances of "equal" or "joint" custody are highly unlikely too and it will never be equal.

I think you all do need a parenting class especially those two. It's not just the mom at fault here. Your partner isn't innocent either. He's just as immature as his ex. Both of them don't seem to be putting her needs forward (the daughter). You can argue all you want. I don't care.

He can ask for parenting class. He can ask for phone calls. That is probably going to happen. More time? No unless he goes and fights her for sole custody.