Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

Quote:

---

Quoting StepParent007

---

I feel trapped and a prisoner in my own home.

---

Who owns the home?

Quote:

---

Quoting StepParent007

---

without my husband being put in a position to pay child support to the state?.

---

If she goes into foster or other state supported care, your husband will have to pay the state whatever the laws of your state say he has to pay. As will her mother. However, your husband can't just put her out on the street. The state would have to agree to take her, which from the facts you presented is not likely.

Boarding school is an option if you can find a school that will take her.

Who owns your home?

Has the child ever been reported to the police for her crimes?
Has the child ever had a psychiatric evaluation to determine if she has a mental health issue?

As for calling the state, that is possible. I have a few clients that have done that when they have exhausted every other option.

Quote:

---

Quoting Danasis

---

If she goes into foster or other state supported care, your husband will have to pay the state whatever the laws of your state say he has to pay. As will her mother. However, your husband can't just put her out on the street. The state would have to agree to take her, which from the facts you presented is not likely.

Boarding school is an option if you can find a school that will take her.

Who owns your home?

---

It is the MARITAL residence. Therefore it doesn't matter who own the home. It would take a court order to remove one of the married couple and until then, either party can allow someone of their choosing to live there.

Quote:

---

Quoting Ohiogal

---

Has the child ever been reported to the police for her crimes?
Has the child ever had a psychiatric evaluation to determine if she has a mental health issue?

---

Good questions.

The dad never had any custodial rights and the mother never allowed the dad to make any major decisions, counseling, doctors, school, etc. The mother did go to counseling with the child from the school and I don't know what happened in those sessions but her behavior never changed. This went on for around 4 or 5 months that I know of. The dad always paid his child support and paid for her medical insurance and dental her entire life but he never had any rights. She did listen to him and heard his suggestions but she said the final decision was hers. It wasn't until the past year and a half that we started seeing eye to eye, not that they didn't get along because they did co-parent but the mom limited the dad's participation. We never thought the mom was doing anything wrong as we know how much she loves and cares for the child but in reality I am just an outsider looking in. I have absolutely no say so. I actually believe very strongly and I could be wrong that she needs psychological or psychiatric care. My guess and its only a guess is that she is bipolar but I think they are afraid to explore this option. I have also stated this to social services as well. They will send someone to our home once a week to evaluate the situation. Without a live-in caretaker in our home, I feel the situation will get worse so we are exploring the option of the dad's mother staying with us through the summer as she lives out of state. Maybe the mom and dad could have done more. What...I don't know. The dad felt very limited and the mom pretty much wanted to control the situation so dad didn't want to rock the boat so he could continue seeing his child. And although the mom and/or dad could have done more, when you live in a low income area where there is heavy force of gangs and wild kids that like to fight all the time, it makes it that much harder. The mom lives in a low income area, about an hour away from our home which is an average middle class area. I did think that her living in our neighborhood would make a difference but I will never really know. I am not trying to pass judgment because I know how hard it was for the mother. I have more sympathy for the mother now as we have first hand experience. But I really think she had problems from when she was very young so whether she lived with us or her mom, the problems would have still been the same. We also have explored independent counseling through my husband's insurance and not one psychologist would take on another client. My husband has a PPO and not one psychologist on the list would it. It was actually a miracle we found a facility to take her for 30 days when she went......that my husband's insurance would pay plus our co-pay. It appears that unless you have around $30,000 or more to put down, these facilities do not want to take you in. They are not satisfied with a co-pay and payment from insurance. That is whole other issue. Sorry for digressing.

And to quickly answer some of the other questions:

Has the child ever been reported to the police for her crimes? No, she keeps getting a pass but everyone is in agreement that whatever trouble she gets into next, it will be reported to the police.

Has the child ever had a psychiatric evaluation to determine if she has a mental health issue? No, I have been pleading for this but so far it has not happened. Remember, I am only the step-parent and have no rights or say so about what happens to this child, going to the doctor, etc.

As for calling the state, that is possible. I have a few clients that have done that when they have exhausted every other option. Social services is already involved and they are doing their best to help. They have spoken with her privately on several occasions and have determined that she simply does not want to follow rules and feels entitled especially to owning a cell phone where she runs rampid on social medial. A side thought from me is that Social Media is the root of all these problems. All her friends are on social media. She has no real friends that come over and hang out with. We have done everything to encourage and motivate her to join a sports team, cheer, dance, track, any school activity but she says she doesn't like have any friends because she doesn't trust anyone. And when her phone is taken away from unacceptable behavior on social media like terrorist threats for starters, she becomes hysterical and makes all kinds of threats. The phone remains locked away.

Who owns your home? My husband and I both own the home together.

Thank you for your time and your response.

You have no custodial rights but you could have reported any crimes against you. That would have put her in the juvenile court system. Your husband has also been negligent in not getting her a psychiatric evaluation. Hence, you have some blame here as does your husband.

Why does she even have a cell phone? She shouldn't. Nor should she have computer access but for schoolwork which is monitored. Those are on your husband at this point.

No advice here other than seeking therapy while you develop a plan. She is a child after all and she deserves any help she can get. These behaviors stem from something.

Quote:

---

Quoting Ohiogal

---

It is the MARITAL residence. Therefore it doesn't matter who own the home. It would take a court order to remove one of the married couple and until then, either party can allow someone of their choosing to live there.

---

You don't understand the point of my question. It does matter for OP's strategy for what she wants to do. You are bringing court orders into the discussion when that isn't relevant at all to why I was asking.

Quote:

---

Quoting StepParent007

---

I feel trapped and a prisoner in my own home. I am to the point where I might just leave.

---

Quote:

---

Quoting StepParent007

---

Who owns your home? My husband and I both own the home together.

---

Since California is a community property state, I need a few more details. Did you buy the home together as a married couple or did one of you own it prior to getting married and you transmuted it by adding the other's name to the deed?

Quote:

---

Quoting StepParent007

---

The dad never had any custodial rights and the mother never allowed the dad to make any major decisions, counseling, doctors, school, etc. . . . but he never had any rights.

---

That would be an EXTREMELY unusual situation in California. It is rare that a court would strip a father of joint legal custody and unless there were some physical abuse or neglect or the dad was totally absent from the child's life it doesn't happen. Physical custody does not determine legal custody. The default is joint legal custody. Dad has to be a pretty bad actor to get his legal custody rights stripped.

What exactly does the custody order say? Have you even read it or are you just going by what your husband says the order says? If you have in fact read it, what does it say exactly?

I am not understanding this line of questioning. I never mentioned anything about a "Court" physical order. The mom and dad were never married. When he left the mom, they immediately had a verbal arrangement for visitation and child support which he kept all these years. You are telling me that by default it is joint legal custody in California? I know I did not know that and I know for sure my husband did not know that either. We both always assumed that if the mom had full time physical custody, that was it. The school even told us that since the child was living with the mother full time that the mother had full physical custody and we never questioned it. There was no reason to apply for legal custody from the mother. Since the mom never gave him any problems anytime he wanted the child over, they never went to court. She was always pretty good about him spending time with the child. But when it came to school issues and doctors and things, he certainly was able to voice his opinion but the final decision was always hers. For the most part, there was nothing to fight with her about. We knew she had some issues but the mom always said she had it under control. In any event, I am a little confused. What difference does all this make now? It is water under the bridge. If my husband was wrong for not pursuing it further, then so be it. If the mom was wrong for not getting her to a psychologist sooner, then so be it. If I was wrong for not calling the police after she stole my phone, then so be it. What's done is done. We are trying to move forward. As for the property question, we bought the home together at the same time about a year ago. We did not buy it as married couple. We bought it as individuals because our lender recommended it because of our individual credit profiles.

As for the cell phone, you are preaching to the choir on this issue. I fought the idea to both the mom and dad directly about her having a cell phone in her possession but the grandmother (the mom's mom) snuck her a phone and is paying for it. I said to give the phone back to the grandmother because the phone has been the root of all her problems stemming from ridiculous fights with girls on social media. The child would become hysterical and would tell us that having a phone is vital for communications and that we are mean horrible people if we don't let her keep it and so on. I for one, did not bite but the mom strongly felt if she was going to dig herself a deeper hole with the cell phone to allow her to have it and if something bad resulted from her cell phone use, she would have to endure all the consequences and no one would save her. I completed disagreed with this method but as the step-mom I had no say as usual.
As for the dad, he did not want to argue with the mom and wanted to try her method to see what would happen so I had to be quiet and go along.
When you are a step-parent you are pretty much the bottom person on the totem pole when it comes to any decision making.

I want to thank everyone for all their responses but I will just work with social services on moving forward since I have no rights in my home, I will just have to continue to keep everything locked up and live like a prisoner. Giving me advice on continued counseling and so forth is really singing to the choir but I can't make this happen unless both parents are in agreement.
The last counseling attempt went south when she conned her way out of the facility by claiming a level 5 pain every day. You have to put all your energy, your heart and soul to get anything done and I know she is a child who needs help but I am done. She has burned me for the 101th time. I feel like a woman being tormented and abused by a bad husband and have nowhere to go. I have always felt when parents are split that the daughter is better with the mom and the son is better with the father and I know there are exceptions to this but in this case, I especially feel that way. Mostly, because when the mom talks, she does listen and appears to absorb what her mom is saying. Her mom is the only person she will be quiet and listen to.

Quote:

---

Quoting StepParent007

---

I am not understanding this line of questioning. I never mentioned anything about a "Court" physical order. The mom and dad were never married. When he left the mom, they immediately had a verbal arrangement for visitation and child support which he kept all these years.

---

Don't write books, I am not going to read them.

So has paternity ever been established or not? They weren't married, did he sign a declaration of paternity?