How to Obtain DNA Testing and Support for a Child

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Quoting ejay1708

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I just want to be able to support him properly without screwing him up by interacting with the creep. It's what has kept me doing it on my own all this time. Now i am doing debt consolidation and having hard time making ends meet.

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You are not going to be able to get money from him without opening yourself up to the possibility of visitation should he want it.

I actually don't know if he is still an alcoholic, just going from memory of how he was when we dated. I know he was a jerk and didn't seem like a good father to his kids from a previous marriage. A leopard usually doesn't change his stripes...

I think i'm screwed. It's too risky.

We have to move from our current place. the rent is outrageous where we live compared to the income levels. I am not in a position to buy a house. Property taxes are high anyway.

Will just have to tell my kid no more money for tutoring, piano lessons, sports, etc. And hope i can manage to pay rent, groceries, etc.

Thanks for the feedback.

Or, you can ask his father if he wants to be involved. A lot can happen in 8.5 years.

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Quoting ejay1708

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I actually don't know if he is still an alcoholic, just going from memory of how he was when we dated. I know he was a jerk and didn't seem like a good father to his kids from a previous marriage. A leopard usually doesn't change his stripes...

I think i'm screwed. It's too risky.

We have to move from our current place. the rent is outrageous where we live compared to the income levels. I am not in a position to buy a house. Property taxes are high anyway.

Will just have to tell my kid no more money for tutoring, piano lessons, sports, etc. And hope i can manage to pay rent, groceries, etc.

Thanks for the feedback.

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Wow.

Just wow.

I'll stop there, since you're not worth a time-out.

I am not afraid he wants to be involved...I am afraid he does NOT want to be involved (established by his telling me he doesn't want the kid AND never trying to contact me after all this time) BUT worried that he will try to get partial custody to pay less based on the laws in WI being such that he pays less support if he establishes shared custody... Not the kind of involvement I want. If it is all about the money to him, what kind of parent will he be? My son would be so excited to meet him and I feel there is a huge chance that he will be disappointed or scarred for life. My experience with this man is that he has virtually no emotions.

Plus how will I monitor his behavior when we live in different states? What if he is driving my kid around when he's drinking? That is a risk I should take lightly?

I guess the idea is that ANY father is a good one??? Not the case. I had a neglectful and emotionally abusive parent and not interested in repeating this type of situation for my child. Yes I am protective. My main priority is the psychological and physical health of my son.

Father has shown his true colors, knowing that he created a child and just basically told me to F-off and has no conscience to be concerned with the well-being of his own offspring... That is what we are dealing with. I am to assume he has changed into some great person in the past 8 years??? He was in his mid 40s at the time and already a parent. So no excuse for the lack of humanity.

Anyway, I think now I'm just trying to justify myself.

I thought this was a place where legal professionals offered advice. Not the case apparently.

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I actually don't know if he is still an alcoholic, just going from memory of how he was when we dated. I know he was a jerk and didn't seem like a good father to his kids from a previous marriage. A leopard usually doesn't change his stripes...

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Boy are you right! Especially when the leopard is a tiger! Leopards have spots.

Your fear in involving the father in your sons life is completely irrational and can cause problems for your son. Just because he doesn't talk to you about it doesn't mean there isn't a problem. It's king of like termites; everything is fine until you fall through the floor. Your insistence that you would undergo not only your sons right to know who his father is but endanger your relationship with him and the blowback potential only gets larger with every passing year.

Yes, if you legally establish paternity and support (which is the fathers RESPONSIBILITY) you are opening the door to possible visitation but a) he may not want it at all, especially if he's not pursued it and b) if you have an informal arrangement you have no way to enforce it, either support or, if he insists on visitation, on even getting your kid back from a visit. A court order is what adds teeth and enforceability. All that said, he may say no to visitation and pony up the cash...it's a gamble. I would also say that your fear in all of this is largely selfish. Even if daddy is a complete utter oxygen thief you are the hot wet mess here.

You'd be surprised at how well children can bounce back from crappy parents, which is super relative, by the way.

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I am not afraid he wants to be involved...I am afraid he does NOT want to be involved (established by his telling me he doesn't want the kid AND never trying to contact me after all this time) BUT worried that he will try to get partial custody to pay less based on the laws in WI being such that he pays less support if he establishes shared custody... Not the kind of involvement I want. If it is all about the money to him, what kind of parent will he be? My son would be so excited to meet him and I feel there is a huge chance that he will be disappointed or scarred for life. My experience with this man is that he has virtually no emotions.

Plus how will I monitor his behavior when we live in different states? What if he is driving my kid around when he's drinking? That is a risk I should take lightly?

I guess the idea is that ANY father is a good one??? Not the case. I had a neglectful and emotionally abusive parent and not interested in repeating this type of situation for my child. Yes I am protective. My main priority is the psychological and physical health of my son.

Father has shown his true colors, knowing that he created a child and just basically told me to F-off and has no conscience to be concerned with the well-being of his own offspring... That is what we are dealing with. I am to assume he has changed into some great person in the past 8 years??? He was in his mid 40s at the time and already a parent. So no excuse for the lack of humanity.

Anyway, I think now I'm just trying to justify myself.

I thought this was a place where legal professionals offered advice. Not the case apparently.

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1st paragraph: This is BS rationalization. This is all about you and wanting to not have dad in son's life.
2nd paragraph: you don't get to monitor visitation if there is unsupervised visitation. That's how things work in the world. What if he lets your kid build a thermonuclear bomb! Really?! Given that you don't know thins man at all you make shocking assumptions!
3rd paragraph: You are projecting your experiences onto your son. Stop it.
4th paragraph: You don't know dad's true colors...as a stated above, you don't know him! You've had no contact with him in 8.5 years, what the hell do you know? Learning that your actually an also drastically alter a persons life and perspective. I know it did for me.
5th paragraph: yes, you are.
6th paragraph: Most of the people here are not attorneys, they are just people who are willing to do some homework for you and happen to have a knack for deciphering the way that laws and statutes are written and have experience wrestling with the system or work within it as law enforcement etc. If you want legal advice you should contact an attorney, which is what it says in the disclaimer...which, apparently no one reads. That said, your unhappy because you're being told that your part of the problem. You are, or course , as you are in this tangled mess that you helped to make. So now it's time to clean it up.

Be fore you say I don't understand I assure you that I do. My daughters (I was stepdad but I adopted them) have a super shitty human as a father. Not in the typical ways that we hear about but irresponsible, and creepy and I'll not go into the details here. Anyway, after we were able to get visitation revoked after a series of CPS complaints and after a cooling off period we allowed visitation, on our terms because it was good for the girls. They love their dad. Even after I asked him to terminate his rights (owing huge amounts of support was probably part of that as well) we continued to allow him to be a part of their lives, on our, and their, terms. Because they love their dad. You are unilaterally standing in the way of your son makng those decisions for himself and that will come back on you.

Wow. I didn't think I had that much to say!

Are you sure he is still alive ? If his name is on the birth certificate and he is deceased or receiving SSDI, your son is entitled to monthly benefits.

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Quoting Mark47n

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Boy are you right! Especially when the leopard is a tiger! Leopards have spots.

Your fear in involving the father in your sons life is completely irrational and can cause problems for your son. Just because he doesn't talk to you about it doesn't mean there isn't a problem. It's king of like termites; everything is fine until you fall through the floor. Your insistence that you would undergo not only your sons right to know who his father is but endanger your relationship with him and the blowback potential only gets larger with every passing year.

Yes, if you legally establish paternity and support (which is the fathers RESPONSIBILITY) you are opening the door to possible visitation but a) he may not want it at all, especially if he's not pursued it and b) if you have an informal arrangement you have no way to enforce it, either support or, if he insists on visitation, on even getting your kid back from a visit. A court order is what adds teeth and enforceability. All that said, he may say no to visitation and pony up the cash...it's a gamble. I would also say that your fear in all of this is largely selfish. Even if daddy is a complete utter oxygen thief you are the hot wet mess here.

You'd be surprised at how well children can bounce back from crappy parents, which is super relative, by the way.



1st paragraph: This is BS rationalization. This is all about you and wanting to not have dad in son's life.
2nd paragraph: you don't get to monitor visitation if there is unsupervised visitation. That's how things work in the world. What if he lets your kid build a thermonuclear bomb! Really?! Given that you don't know thins man at all you make shocking assumptions!
3rd paragraph: You are projecting your experiences onto your son. Stop it.
4th paragraph: You don't know dad's true colors...as a stated above, you don't know him! You've had no contact with him in 8.5 years, what the hell do you know? Learning that your actually an also drastically alter a persons life and perspective. I know it did for me.
5th paragraph: yes, you are.
6th paragraph: Most of the people here are not attorneys, they are just people who are willing to do some homework for you and happen to have a knack for deciphering the way that laws and statutes are written and have experience wrestling with the system or work within it as law enforcement etc. If you want legal advice you should contact an attorney, which is what it says in the disclaimer...which, apparently no one reads. That said, your unhappy because you're being told that your part of the problem. You are, or course , as you are in this tangled mess that you helped to make. So now it's time to clean it up.

Be fore you say I don't understand I assure you that I do. My daughters (I was stepdad but I adopted them) have a super shitty human as a father. Not in the typical ways that we hear about but irresponsible, and creepy and I'll not go into the details here. Anyway, after we were able to get visitation revoked after a series of CPS complaints and after a cooling off period we allowed visitation, on our terms because it was good for the girls. They love their dad. Even after I asked him to terminate his rights (owing huge amounts of support was probably part of that as well) we continued to allow him to be a part of their lives, on our, and their, terms. Because they love their dad. You are unilaterally standing in the way of your son makng those decisions for himself and that will come back on you.

Wow. I didn't think I had that much to say!

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Bravo, Mark!

(Please understand however that now the hatey hate will pour onto you instead of me. I need a day off anyway ;) )

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Quoting ejay1708

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8.5 years ago. When I was pregnant... When I told him about the pregnancy. He basically said 'i don't want another kid' and that was it.

I realize that he was not a good person to conceive a child with. Am I the only person who has dated someone to later find out they are not the person you thought. Or not a person you want to spend your life with? He told me he was unable to have children. Lies. Yes I was dumb to believe. I was off birth control because of a medical issue.

Regardless the 'mistake' has been the most rewarding thing to happen to me. My son is amazing and wouldn't change it for anything. I just want to be able to support him properly without screwing him up by interacting with the creep. It's what has kept me doing it on my own all this time. Now i am doing debt consolidation and having hard time making ends meet.

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No you aren't the only person to date a moron. I just told you in my last response to you that I conceived a child with a dipshit. There are quite of a few people who make dumb choices in a partner because of a multitude of reasons.

"I just want to be able to support him properly without screwing him up by interacting with the creep. It's what has kept me doing it on my own all this time. Now i am doing debt consolidation and having hard time making ends meet."

Guess what? Even if you take him to court and get it ordered he might not pay support. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I have gotten not quite $300 in the last year since the divorce was final. My ex is 12000 behind. I have heard stories of noncustodial parents who have great jobs who avoid child support.

If you want the money and you don't go to court, you can't enforce him not paying.

If you want the money and do go to court, the state can do things if he doesn't pay but it will likely be a long time before he pays.

OR he could end up paying and not want to see the kid. OR he could be a normal guy now. You don't know what he's like after 8.5 years do you? Have you met with him and talked to him about it yet?

Honestly there's no guarantee you can get him to help. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but that's the reality.