My question involves a child custody case from the State of: WISCONSIN (mother/child) and ILLINOIS (father)
I have an 8 year old son who was conceived from a casual dating situation. When I was pregnant, I informed the father and he said he did not want to have anything to do with the child. We have not spoken since I was about 4 months along. I have a decent job and felt that it was best to let it go. The father is not a nice man, very aggressive personality and a functioning alcoholic. I had no desire to continue a relationship with him or have him negatively influence my child, esp since he didn't want to be involved.
Fast forward 8 years, I am still gainfully employed but finding it hard to support both of us without getting into debt and I would like to explore child support options.
We obviously never had a DNA test and he is on on the birth certificate. I do not know where to go from here. I know that i can contact a govt agency but I'm reluctant to do that. I have a strong feeling the father will want to fight it. He probably has income of $150,000 (estimate). He lives alone and both of his there children are over 18 now. I think by law his responsibility to my son would be over $1,000/mo. My fear is that he would take me to court and try to reduce the amount by agreeing to some sort of custody. Under no circumstances do I want a drunk who cares nothing for him to be taking my son to a different state. My son is a happy, well adjusted kid and I do not want his self esteem crushed by having a rejecting father figure suddenly entering his life.
I wonder if I could perhaps contact him myself (with help from an attorney?) and propose a lesser amount of support, thinking that he might be willing to accept that rather than the higher amount which the state would assess him. Do people do this? If so, how do i go about it and could he be coerced to do the paternity test? I do not know how these things work. I am just feeling frustrated with always living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes having to put our living expenses on credit cards. it's very stressful. I never wanted this person in our lives but I'm getting to the point where I don't see any other option.
Thank you.
How to Obtain DNA Testing and Support for a Child
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12-13-2016, 08:09 AMejay1708How to Obtain DNA Testing and Support for a Child
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12-13-2016, 08:41 AMDogmatiqueRe: Obtaining DNA Testing and Support for Child
If he wants visitation with his child, he WILL get visitation with his child. It would likely be stepped-up at first, and probably supervised, but if he sticks with it your mutual child will be visiting his father in Dad's home state.
There is nothing stopping you from contacting him yourself, and trying to negotiate a lower amount. Be aware though, that even if child support is ordered you may never see a dime. Some parents will deliberately tank their own financial wellbeing to avoid paying child support, and you will indeed be opening the door to visitation whether he pays or not. -
12-13-2016, 08:43 AMreadytoleaveRe: Obtaining DNA Testing and Support for Child
If you are opening the door for him to establish paternity and child support you are going to run the risk of him getting visitation. In addition, it won't matter how much child support you propose, if he is established as the father, which is the only way a court will grant you child support, he will have the option to exercise visitation. If you reach out to him privately, there is nothing that is able to be enforced to ensure he pays the support, and even if it does go thru the court, it still is not guaranteed.
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12-13-2016, 09:48 AMqwaspolk69Re: Obtaining DNA Testing and Support for a ChildMy ex husband is over $12,000 behind on four kids - with three different women. His first he found out about at 2 months old in 2002. The other two are with his first ex wife and the last is with me. Four years ago was his first divorce. A year ago was ours.Quote:
Quoting ejay1708
He had a job for the first time since March a month ago and he's supposed to pay $331 for all four. He got $198 taken out from the state in that three weeks he worked. If the state doesn't take it - we don't get it. That's what you have to look forward to if you go to court. -
12-13-2016, 10:07 AMejay1708Re: Obtaining DNA Testing and Support for a Child
Just to add clarification... He earns a lot of money, lives in a nice condo in Chicago. i don't see him quitting his job or anything to avoid child support.
Additionally I don't think he would want to acknowledge or see the child. He would likely not want any of his family, ex wife or children to know about it.
I have a friend in similar situation, didn't want to see child until he was faced with child support and only way to reduce it was to share some custody. He lived halfway across the country and she had to put her 2 y/o daughter on a plane to stay with a stranger. He doesn't care to check up on the child the 10 dos of the year he doesn't see her, he doesn't think my friend should need to speak to her daughter when she's 'on his time'. He even moved to a different state and didn't tell her for 6 mos. Just met her by O'hare and acted like he was taking her to seattle but actually going to cincinnati. Lawyer said he wasn't obligated to tell my friend where her daughter was because wasn't in the custody agreement??? She said she would rather beg, borrow or steal, live in a cardboard box than have this guy in their life. Regardless of the $1300 he pays monthly. But there is no turning back now it is court ordered.
I am afraid! -
12-13-2016, 10:13 AMqwaspolk69Re: Obtaining DNA Testing and Support for a ChildIt does not matter how much someone makes or doesn't make. You would be surprised what some will do to avoid child support. Even if they have enough money to pay it.Quote:
Quoting ejay1708
You keep thinking you know but you don't know. Your situation and your friend's are different. They aren't the same no matter how much you think they are. Maybe your baby's daddy is a douche. Maybe he won't want anything to do with your kid. Maybe he won't acknowledge the child. But if you seek out child support through the court they WILL give him visitation. BUT it's up to him to exercise it. He doesn't have to. But when he does you have to abide by it. As stated it would likely start out supervised since the child doesn't know him.
Right now you have all the power. So you can either figure out how to get by OR you take him to court for child support that you probably won't even get and a big headache. That's up to you. Who knows? Maybe he has matured over the years. Maybe he's sober. Maybe he wants to make up for lost time. Or maybe he's exactly the same. You chose to have sex with him. Just like I chose to be with my dipshit of an ex husband and got pregnant with his kid. Just like the other women he knocked up. You have to think what's best for your child. Not what's best for you. -
12-13-2016, 10:38 AMreadytoleaveRe: Obtaining DNA Testing and Support for a Child
Also, a brief search shows that Wisconsin does use timeshare as part of the calculation to determine how much support is ordered. So while you may maintain full legal custody (decision making), the timesharing or the amount of overnights he receives will determine how much support is ordered. So I can see where you would be concerned that he would fight to establish a visitation schedule. If you are going to go for support you are going to need to establish paternity. Once paternity is established, he is going to have the right to pursue visitation. Whether he chooses too or not, is up to him, but you are risking that by pursuing it. And there isn't really a way for you to stop that from happening if you start down this road unless HE chooses not to pursue it. You can't say, "I want you to pay for this child, but not have any visitation." You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. Also understand, that if paternity is established, visitation is not governed by child support. He can choose not to pay you, and he still will have the right to visitation should he choose to exercise it after a court grants it to him.
Also, privately he can agree to anything, but you have no help to enforce it should he change his mind, unless it is court ordered. -
12-13-2016, 10:50 AMDogmatiqueRe: Obtaining DNA Testing and Support for a ChildAs always, the time to worry about what kind of parent your partner will be is before you actually conceive.Quote:
Quoting ejay1708
Quick question. When was the last time you had contact with him? -
12-13-2016, 11:13 AMejay1708Re: Obtaining DNA Testing and Support for a Child
8.5 years ago. When I was pregnant... When I told him about the pregnancy. He basically said 'i don't want another kid' and that was it.
I realize that he was not a good person to conceive a child with. Am I the only person who has dated someone to later find out they are not the person you thought. Or not a person you want to spend your life with? He told me he was unable to have children. Lies. Yes I was dumb to believe. I was off birth control because of a medical issue.
Regardless the 'mistake' has been the most rewarding thing to happen to me. My son is amazing and wouldn't change it for anything. I just want to be able to support him properly without screwing him up by interacting with the creep. It's what has kept me doing it on my own all this time. Now i am doing debt consolidation and having hard time making ends meet. -
12-13-2016, 11:18 AMDogmatiqueRe: Obtaining DNA Testing and Support for a ChildThe court might want to know how you know so much about his current state of affairs if he's never seen the child and hasn't seen you in forever.Quote:
Quoting ejay1708
In other words, unless you can actually prove that he's currently a threat to his child the court won't stop him from having regular visitation should he want it.
And based purely on what you've said here, he may be one of those "If I have to pay for him, I'm going to see him" types. Specially if there's a wife on the scene who is suddenly faced with their household income substantially dropping.