Never-Wed Mother Wants to Move Out of California

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: CA

Hello. I have a toddler, and I was never married to the father, never lived with him, never had any plans to marry him. We tried to make it work, but we split for good in January 2016. I quit my job when our baby was 8 months old, and have been rasising my daughter full-time with the financial support of my parents. However, this can not go on forever because we aren't millionaires. None of us can afford the astronomical price of daycare in CA that will allow me to work. For financial reasons, my parents wish to leave CA, and I would be relieved to move as well. With money from the sale of our house, we can get a larger home with room for the baby to run around, and I my parents will be able to help me start a business and begin to get on my feet again. That would be a dream as a single mother, to be able to call the shots in my career so I can have time with my daughter. We will be able to afford childcare or a bit of help from a nanny if needed in another state.

Baby has a good relationship with her dad. She goes to his place on Saturdays. He voluntarily gives me some money for her each month, which he began to do when I quit working. He is on the birth certificate and probably did sign that document (can't remember what it's called) that establishes voluntary parenthood (or words to that effect). We have never had a custody agreement in place, never been to court over our daughter. So I am wondering if it's necessary for me to pursue full custody, or do I simply pick up and move? I have no intention of keeping him away from our child, meaning that I am more than happy to do what I can to arrange for him to visit and for her to visit him in CA when she is old enough. We can also skype and talk on the phone often.

I read online that since I am unwed, I have had custody of my daughter since she was born. Also, he is in no position to care for her full-time. His family lives two hours away, and they barely help as it is. He is not financially able, and he is single and living paycheck to paycheck. It's not likely he would pursue anything against me if he had any sense, but that's just it, as a mother you are fearful about what he might do if pushed to his limits, and I would think that having your baby move to another state could seriously upset someone enough to act irrationally. I don't know!

Thanks for any advice :)

As a single parent without any court orders, you can pick up and move.

However, Dad can - and likely will - rush to court to have the child returned to the court's jurisdiction pending a custody determination. If that happens, you MUST return the child.

Now. With all that being said, California currently has a presumption in favor of relocation so it will be on Dad to convince the court why the move should not happen. If you present a decent parenting plan, and perhaps offer to pay all of the costs associated with visitation, you may not have to fight hard.

Frankly, if he has any sense, perhaps he should fight you on this and you may be surprised with the outcome. And ask yourself this: would you be happy seeing her the same amount of time he does? Think about it.

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Quoting SunMommy

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: CA

Hello. I have a toddler, and I was never married to the father, never lived with him, never had any plans to marry him. We tried to make it work, but we split for good in January 2016. I quit my job when our baby was 8 months old, and have been rasising my daughter full-time with the financial support of my parents. However, this can not go on forever because we aren't millionaires. None of us can afford the astronomical price of daycare in CA that will allow me to work. For financial reasons, my parents wish to leave CA, and I would be relieved to move as well. With money from the sale of our house, we can get a larger home with room for the baby to run around, and I my parents will be able to help me start a business and begin to get on my feet again. That would be a dream as a single mother, to be able to call the shots in my career so I can have time with my daughter. We will be able to afford childcare or a bit of help from a nanny if needed in another state.

Baby has a good relationship with her dad. She goes to his place on Saturdays. He voluntarily gives me some money for her each month, which he began to do when I quit working. He is on the birth certificate and probably did sign that document (can't remember what it's called) that establishes voluntary parenthood (or words to that effect). We have never had a custody agreement in place, never been to court over our daughter. So I am wondering if it's necessary for me to pursue full custody, or do I simply pick up and move? I have no intention of keeping him away from our child, meaning that I am more than happy to do what I can to arrange for him to visit and for her to visit him in CA when she is old enough. We can also skype and talk on the phone often.

I read online that since I am unwed, I have had custody of my daughter since she was born. Also, he is in no position to care for her full-time. His family lives two hours away, and they barely help as it is. He is not financially able, and he is single and living paycheck to paycheck. It's not likely he would pursue anything against me if he had any sense, but that's just it, as a mother you are fearful about what he might do if pushed to his limits, and I would think that having your baby move to another state could seriously upset someone enough to act irrationally. I don't know!

Thanks for any advice :)

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My advice is that you seriously talk to him about your plans, AND that you establish custody and a parenting plan in court before you move. Court orders protect everyone's rights, including the child's.

There is even a slight chance that dad might agree that leaving CA is for the best, and might decide to move also to the same location.

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Quoting SunMommy

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: CA

Hello. I have a toddler, and I was never married to the father, never lived with him, never had any plans to marry him. We tried to make it work, but we split for good in January 2016. I quit my job when our baby was 8 months old, and have been rasising my daughter full-time with the financial support of my parents. However, this can not go on forever because we aren't millionaires. None of us can afford the astronomical price of daycare in CA that will allow me to work. For financial reasons, my parents wish to leave CA, and I would be relieved to move as well. With money from the sale of our house, we can get a larger home with room for the baby to run around, and I my parents will be able to help me start a business and begin to get on my feet again. That would be a dream as a single mother, to be able to call the shots in my career so I can have time with my daughter. We will be able to afford childcare or a bit of help from a nanny if needed in another state.

Baby has a good relationship with her dad. She goes to his place on Saturdays. He voluntarily gives me some money for her each month, which he began to do when I quit working. He is on the birth certificate and probably did sign that document (can't remember what it's called) that establishes voluntary parenthood (or words to that effect). We have never had a custody agreement in place, never been to court over our daughter. So I am wondering if it's necessary for me to pursue full custody, or do I simply pick up and move? I have no intention of keeping him away from our child, meaning that I am more than happy to do what I can to arrange for him to visit and for her to visit him in CA when she is old enough. We can also skype and talk on the phone often.

I read online that since I am unwed, I have had custody of my daughter since she was born. Also, he is in no position to care for her full-time. His family lives two hours away, and they barely help as it is. He is not financially able, and he is single and living paycheck to paycheck. It's not likely he would pursue anything against me if he had any sense, but that's just it, as a mother you are fearful about what he might do if pushed to his limits, and I would think that having your baby move to another state could seriously upset someone enough to act irrationally. I don't know!

Thanks for any advice :)

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IF he has any sense he WILL pursue you in court. If he has any sense at all he should have taken you to court when the baby was born, filed for paternity to be established and then had a visitation plan court ordered and child support.

Why wouldn't you want your daughter to see him as much as possible if he has a good relationship with her? I know you said you would facilitate but why is it on him to bear the burden of travel? Especially when he doesn't make much?

You both need to have a serious talk about this and you need to decide what is best for your child - not just you.

What are you guys talking about?! Did any of you read my OP?!

Let me add some things. He begged me to have an abortion, and I chose to keep my baby. Despite that, I continued to be kind to him and invite him to my appointments. He slowly came around. He does not have a driver's license nor does he have a car. I do FAR MORE than my fair share in allowing him to see our daghter. Basically, I drive her over to his place and pick her up every single time he sees her. He rarely takes a bus to come over and spend time with her, eventhough he has every ability to do so. If I am not doing the work, he doesn't see her. I'm perplexed at where anyone would think that I was not doing everything I can to let them have a relationship--to the point where my poor family has gone FLAT BROKE trying to survive in San Francisco, one of the most expensive cities in the nation, if not the most expensive by now. Further, he did not have a job when I got pregnant. I told him I would keep my job while he cares for the child. He declined that option. Basically, other than paying a bit of money each month and watching her when I drop her off, he doesn't contribute in any other way. I do not own my home, my parents do, and they are selling it to afford a better life in a cheaper place. It's not about feelings, and it's not about coddling a grown man who barely took responsibility. When I said he has a good relationship with our daughter, I meant that they get along, not that he is some kind of amazing dad.

"Why is it on him to bear the burden of travel?" I never said that! I said I would help in any way that I can. I also said I would pay for him to come with me to fly out to a city I would like to consider moving to, but he declined, yet he wants me to fly out to a city of HIS choice. He is very much all about himself.

I'm OVER taking care of him and his needs. He has never given two hoots about mine. I can not remain unemployed forever, and neither of us can afford daycare in CA, which is twice his rent! It's not about emotions--it's about the reality that we can not afford to stay in CA any longer.

If he had sense he would have gone to court by now? What on earth makes you assume that?! So he can tell the judge that he has no support from his family, that he can barely afford his apartment, that he has repeatedly refused to get a drivers license and could not even properly transport the (then) infant and (now) toddler? What kind of case would he have, exactly? Me and my family are the ones who stepped up from the very beginning to make sure my baby could have a decent life!

Ugh I came onto this forum for LEGAL advice, guess I need to continue looking for a lawyer, someone who sticks to the facts fo the case and asks me relevant questions rather than making assumptions.

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Quoting llworking

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My advice is that you seriously talk to him about your plans, AND that you establish custody and a parenting plan in court before you move. Court orders protect everyone's rights, including the child's.

There is even a slight chance that dad might agree that leaving CA is for the best, and might decide to move also to the same location.

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Thanks for your advice! I will look for a lawyer. We have been talking about this matter since baby's birth. We have both agreed that leaving CA is for the best. The problem is that he wants to move to a city where neither of us will have family support, and since we are not together in a relationship, that makes it impossible to keep two separate households. I proposed, and was willing to pay for, a trip to a state where I would have family support and where the community is right in line with values that we have both agreed upon. He refused to come with me. Not only would I have family support, I would also have the means to start my own business and afford daycare. I told him that I gave him many good reasons to come with me and look at this town, and he has given me zero as to why it's a bad place, but he has to have it his way and would not even consider it. He has been selfish from Day 1.

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Quoting SunMommy

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What are you guys talking about?! Did any of you read my OP?!

Let me add some things. He begged me to have an abortion, and I chose to keep my baby. Despite that, I continued to be kind to him and invite him to my appointments. He slowly came around. He does not have a driver's license nor does he have a car. I do FAR MORE than my fair share in allowing him to see our daghter. Basically, I drive her over to his place and pick her up every single time he sees her. He rarely takes a bus to come over and spend time with her, eventhough he has every ability to do so. If I am not doing the work, he doesn't see her. I'm perplexed at where anyone would think that I was not doing everything I can to let them have a relationship--to the point where my poor family has gone FLAT BROKE trying to survive in San Francisco, one of the most expensive cities in the nation, if not the most expensive by now. Further, he did not have a job when I got pregnant. I told him I would keep my job while he cares for the child. He declined that option. Basically, other than paying a bit of money each month and watching her when I drop her off, he doesn't contribute in any other way. I do not own my home, my parents do, and they are selling it to afford a better life in a cheaper place. It's not about feelings, and it's not about coddling a grown man who barely took responsibility. When I said he has a good relationship with our daughter, I meant that they get along, not that he is some kind of amazing dad.

"Why is it on him to bear the burden of travel?" I never said that! I said I would help in any way that I can. I also said I would pay for him to come with me to fly out to a city I would like to consider moving to, but he declined, yet he wants me to fly out to a city of HIS choice. He is very much all about himself.

I'm OVER taking care of him and his needs. He has never given two hoots about mine. I can not remain unemployed forever, and neither of us can afford daycare in CA, which is twice his rent! It's not about emotions--it's about the reality that we can not afford to stay in CA any longer.

If he had sense he would have gone to court by now? What on earth makes you assume that?! So he can tell the judge that he has no support from his family, that he can barely afford his apartment, that he has repeatedly refused to get a drivers license and could not even properly transport the (then) infant and (now) toddler? What kind of case would he have, exactly? Me and my family are the ones who stepped up from the very beginning to make sure my baby could have a decent life!

Ugh I came onto this forum for LEGAL advice, guess I need to continue looking for a lawyer, someone who sticks to the facts fo the case and asks me relevant questions rather than making assumptions.



Thanks for your advice! I will look for a lawyer. We have been talking about this matter since baby's birth. We have both agreed that leaving CA is for the best. The problem is that he wants to move to a city where neither of us will have family support, and since we are not together in a relationship, that makes it impossible to keep two separate households. I proposed, and was willing to pay for, a trip to a state where I would have family support and where the community is right in line with values that we have both agreed upon. He refused to come with me. Not only would I have family support, I would also have the means to start my own business and afford daycare. I told him that I gave him many good reasons to come with me and look at this town, and he has given me zero as to why it's a bad place, but he has to have it his way and would not even consider it. He has been selfish from Day 1.

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Of course he's the selfish one.

Of course he's the bad guy.

Of course.

Have a nice day, dear.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Of course he's the selfish one.

Of course he's the bad guy.

Of course.

Have a nice day, dear.

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That is maybe a little unfair in this instance. Mom and her family clearly cannot afford to stay where they are now, and trying to start out in a new place with no cash reserves, no job yet, and no family support isn't much better. I would feel the same way if this was a dad with primary custody who couldn't afford daycare so that he could work.

Daycare costs are a huge issue for both married and unmarried parents. There have been periods of time when my daughter hasn't worked because between daycare costs and work expenses she wasn't ending up with any money left over for expenses. She has finally gotten some daycare assistance (finally got to the top of the waiting list) so that is no longer a problem but its still hard to pay the 50% she has to pay out of pocket.

My grandson's father just got custody of 2 of his other children and he is in a world of hurt because he has no daycare and no money to pay for daycare, so his ability to work is limited. He is taking all kinds of odd jobs evenings and weekends to try to make ends meet, but its not easy. The odd jobs are making him more money than part time minimum wage jobs, but not much more.

Its a bit of a vicious circle in my opinion...and it makes me appreciate multigenerational homes like they do in other countries so much more. I am most familiar with Italy but there, most households consist of at least 3 or 4 generations, and the generations over 60 do the keeping of the home and the caring for the children (and bringing in their government pensions), while the generations under 60 work and bring home income for the household.

Anyway, off my soapbox now.

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Quoting SunMommy

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What are you guys talking about?! Did any of you read my OP?!

Let me add some things. He begged me to have an abortion, and I chose to keep my baby. Despite that, I continued to be kind to him and invite him to my appointments. He slowly came around. He does not have a driver's license nor does he have a car. I do FAR MORE than my fair share in allowing him to see our daghter. Basically, I drive her over to his place and pick her up every single time he sees her. He rarely takes a bus to come over and spend time with her, eventhough he has every ability to do so. If I am not doing the work, he doesn't see her. I'm perplexed at where anyone would think that I was not doing everything I can to let them have a relationship--to the point where my poor family has gone FLAT BROKE trying to survive in San Francisco, one of the most expensive cities in the nation, if not the most expensive by now. Further, he did not have a job when I got pregnant. I told him I would keep my job while he cares for the child. He declined that option. Basically, other than paying a bit of money each month and watching her when I drop her off, he doesn't contribute in any other way. I do not own my home, my parents do, and they are selling it to afford a better life in a cheaper place. It's not about feelings, and it's not about coddling a grown man who barely took responsibility. When I said he has a good relationship with our daughter, I meant that they get along, not that he is some kind of amazing dad.

"Why is it on him to bear the burden of travel?" I never said that! I said I would help in any way that I can. I also said I would pay for him to come with me to fly out to a city I would like to consider moving to, but he declined, yet he wants me to fly out to a city of HIS choice. He is very much all about himself.

I'm OVER taking care of him and his needs. He has never given two hoots about mine. I can not remain unemployed forever, and neither of us can afford daycare in CA, which is twice his rent! It's not about emotions--it's about the reality that we can not afford to stay in CA any longer.

If he had sense he would have gone to court by now? What on earth makes you assume that?! So he can tell the judge that he has no support from his family, that he can barely afford his apartment, that he has repeatedly refused to get a drivers license and could not even properly transport the (then) infant and (now) toddler? What kind of case would he have, exactly? Me and my family are the ones who stepped up from the very beginning to make sure my baby could have a decent life!

Ugh I came onto this forum for LEGAL advice, guess I need to continue looking for a lawyer, someone who sticks to the facts fo the case and asks me relevant questions rather than making assumptions.



Thanks for your advice! I will look for a lawyer. We have been talking about this matter since baby's birth. We have both agreed that leaving CA is for the best. The problem is that he wants to move to a city where neither of us will have family support, and since we are not together in a relationship, that makes it impossible to keep two separate households. I proposed, and was willing to pay for, a trip to a state where I would have family support and where the community is right in line with values that we have both agreed upon. He refused to come with me. Not only would I have family support, I would also have the means to start my own business and afford daycare. I told him that I gave him many good reasons to come with me and look at this town, and he has given me zero as to why it's a bad place, but he has to have it his way and would not even consider it. He has been selfish from Day 1.

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Yeah we did read it and you said this: "Baby has a good relationship with her dad. She goes to his place on Saturdays. He voluntarily gives me some money for her each month, which he began to do when I quit working. He is on the birth certificate and probably did sign that document (can't remember what it's called) that establishes voluntary parenthood (or words to that effect)."

So if you both talked about it okay then. That's what we asked you.

I still only see the words "I" and "me." You started off with he has a good relationship with the baby and he voluntarily gives you money AFTER you quit working and he's on the birth certificate. Then suddenly he's the worst guy in the world?

I think it's in the child's best interest if all this was put in writing through the court. Visitation. Child support. That's who really matters - the child.

You will likely be allowed to leave. But you should do it thru the courts. The reason for this is because if you just pick up and move, Dad could go to court before you and the child are able to establish residency and you could be forced to bring the child back. California is supposed to be very move away friendly and you seem to have a plan. So go to court, get everything established and then you won't have to worry about it. If you try to skip that part, then you could find that you have an additional expense on top of everything else of having to go back anyways until the court says you are allowed to move.

Also, as a side note... you really should not knock Dad for not being able to afford an apartment or a car, and only barely supporting the child financially when the only reason you have either of those things is because of your parents. Without a job, I imagine they even pay for your gas and insurance, the food in your child's belly and the roof over their head. So really, you can't afford an apartment or a car or to take care of your child either and are no better then him. I applaud you for trying to get your life together, but don't criticize him for the same things that you yourself are not able to provide for your child. Him wanting an abortion at first does not make him a monster. You chose to have a child with this man. You decided he was suitable father material when you slept with him. You are not responsible for taking care of him, but you do have to understand that you will have to go about doing things correctly as far as a court is concerned. That means getting everything established and petitioning to move. It is in everyone's best interest. Especially the child.

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Quoting readytoleave

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you will likely be allowed to leave. But you should do it thru the courts. The reason for this is because if you just pick up and move, dad could go to court before you and the child are able to establish residency and you could be forced to bring the child back. California is supposed to be very move away friendly and you seem to have a plan. So go to court, get everything established and then you won't have to worry about it. If you try to skip that part, then you could find that you have an additional expense on top of everything else of having to go back anyways until the court says you are allowed to move.

Also, as a side note... You really should not knock dad for not being able to afford an apartment or a car, and only barely supporting the child financially when the only reason you have either of those things is because of your parents. Without a job, i imagine they even pay for your gas and insurance, the food in your child's belly and the roof over their head. So really, you can't afford an apartment or a car or to take care of your child either and are no better then him. I applaud you for trying to get your life together, but don't criticize him for the same things that you yourself are not able to provide for your child. Him wanting an abortion at first does not make him a monster. You chose to have a child with this man. You decided he was suitable father material when you slept with him. You are not responsible for taking care of him, but you do have to understand that you will have to go about doing things correctly as far as a court is concerned. That means getting everything established and petitioning to move. It is in everyone's best interest. Especially the child.

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*love*