Quote:
State: Iowa
I was with my ex for 10 years off and on from about 2006 until 2016. Things never went very well because she could never figure out what she wanted to do with her life, so she bounced in and out of school and jobs with her perceived intention being to watch TV and do nothing all day while I paid for her lifestyle. In 2009 we had a daughter. Right after that she lost her mind a bit and got a boobjob and liposuction and left me to care for our daughter while she laid in bed. When she got better, she packed up our daughter and fled the state of AZ where we lived, to go home to IA with her parents. When she came back to get her belongings, I had her served and after failed mediation I had joint custody papers drawn up with zero child support. Things were good for a while after that, and we tried to mend our relationship a couple times to no avail. Each time she reverted to quitting her job and taking a minimal amount of classes in order to do nothing all day, at which point I would break up with her, she would refuse to move out, and I would end up evicting her.
This last time was different. After getting a work from home job we agreed to move back to Iowa to be closer to aging family. However, she quit her job again, refused to get another one, and decided to double-down on attempting another major. So again I evicted her. However, this time she tried to pack up the entire house and take it with her, refusing to tell me what she was taking. When I found out she was attempting to walk off with computers that were issued to me by my employer, I took them from her. She immediately called the police and told them that I had a gun, that I was dangerous, and that she was scared. They came double-time to my door and, upon seeing nothing of the sort, left and told me I did not have to leave.
I immediately began videotaping every interaction I had with her. Her refusal to tell me what she was taking, her putting our daughter in the middle of our issues against by pleading to stop, and her continued calling of the police to tell them that she was scared and that I was dangerous. I contacted a lawyer to immediately begin getting our foreign AZ degree registered in Iowa.
Shortly after she left, I was served with an order of protection for a myriad of things. Among them were things like throwing ham at her (One time I playfully threw a slice of deli ham at her), carrying her up a flight of stairs (I dont recall this, but it wasnt with any anger), and locking our daughter in her room (I grounded her for lying for three days, during which time she went to gymnastics and came out to eat), and that I was seeing a therapist for uncontrollable violence (I went to a therapist to talk to them about my anxiety, and expressly declined taking any medications) . Other things she put in there were from before our AZ decree that were grossly exaggerated, but it states in our AZ decree that there was no physical or emotional abuse. She also added in there that I was abused as a child, which I dont even understand how that would be relevant.
The first meeting with my lawyer, he told me that she basically didnt have a pot to piss in and that we were going to fight the order of protection. However, after finding out who her parents had hired for their daughter, one of the best law firms in town, he changed his tune and immediately began stating that we needed to consent to the order of protection. His reasoning was that if we fought the order of protection and lost, the judge would make it a criminal domestic violence charge and that would give my ex grounds to modify the joint custody agreement. He said that if I consented to it, she would not be able to petition to change the order. In the meantime, he was having a hard time getting her lawyer to agree to bring the AZ custody agreement into IA for some reason. He said it was because they had my exes address removed from all records due to it being a domestic abuse case, and her lawyer was not responding to him.
My first month with my lawyer cost me $3k and almost nothing got accomplished. I attempted to contact other lawyers to find out if all of this was true, but most of them did not return my calls. One even called me a criminal and said they would not represent me. I told my lawyer that I needed some time to get a second opinion about all of this, and he immediately drafted up paperwork to excuse himself from my case. He was pretty pissed. In the end I didnt have anyone to refute what my lawyer was telling me, so I ended up consenting to the order of protection. Part of that order stated that I was to immediately turn in all of the weapons in my home to the police department, which I did not do because before I was even served with the order I dropped them off at a family friends house out of town. There was nothing crazy in the way of weapons, a couple old shotguns that were handed down to me from grandparents that had passed away that I did not want sitting in the police station.
After the order of protection was finished, my lawyer started talking about helping me find a lawyer that could help me fight my case. I thought thats what his job was, and something seemed off. I got my first months bill from him for $3k, which included the EMails where he told me that he was dropping me, the time and materials to write up the motion to withdraw, and all of the paperwork to file the foreign AZ decree in IA that was never finished. I still didnt have anyone to bounce all this off of, so I paid it begrudgingly.
Eventually, my exes lawyer filed to have the AZ custody agreement registered in IA, exactly what they seemed to prevent my lawyer from doing. I also found out that there were able to modify the custody anyway, when I was served with a motion to modify custody from opposing counsel. I dropped my original lawyer and found a very young, very inexpensive lawyer who said he would represent me. He also said that I should not pay the entirety of my bill from the previous lawyer as he did basically nothing for me. Unfortunately, he had no advice for what I should do to get my money back. So far, this new lawyer has listened to almost nothing that I have told him involving this case, except to tell me that I need to seek therapy. I have been diligently recording all interactions with my daughter in an online journal with pictures and details of our time. However, none of this feels like it is going to matter. My new lawyer doesnt return EMails, and his monthly statements to me look like a short order cooks notes. All he keeps telling me when I ask him things is that he is making a note of it and will put it in the list of things to ask opposing council when he talks to them. Its been two months now, and there are a lot of outstanding questions that he hasnt answered. We have pretrial in two weeks, and so far the only thing that I know for a fact is that I have more than 5 people who have said that they went through a custody battle and got their asses handed to them. And they didnt have orders of protection or exes with rich parents that were funding the whole thing.
I have taken care of my daughter almost solely for her entire life. I work from home, have been a volunteer for both Big Brother Big Sisters, as well as held both Jr. Vice Commander and Sr. Vice Commander at my Veterans of Foreign Wars in AZ. I come from a poor family and have nobody to turn to that is going to out-money these people, but I am a good father. My ex is going for full custody with supervised visitation and full child support. She sold the car in our names and her parents bought her a new car as well as all new furnishings for her apartment, new laptop, and a $1200 designer dog even though she is on Iowa Medicaid. My lawyer is telling me that the only thing that matters in child support is how much an employer pays her, which is zero. I feel like these lawyers are just using me like a piggy bank and im going to get bent over when I get into the courtroom. I REALLY didnt want to air my dirty laundry on Reddit, but I would rather that than lose custody of my daughter. There is so much more, like how I make her cold lunch every day and walk her to school, how I make homecooked meals and make sure she eats vegetables vs. her mom taking her out to eat constantly, etc. but this is becoming a book at this point.
Am I asking too much of my new lawyer? How can I ensure that my case is heard when we go to court? I would love to have full custody of my daughter, but I fear that I have already ruined the opportunity due to taking bad advice.
Im really scared, what do I do?
