Proving Emotional or Mental Child Abuse

My question involves child abuse or neglect in the State of:

I am a mother of 3 young boys. My ex is a sociopath. I currently have full custody. He was very abusive, mostly emotionally, but also physically, towards me and my oldest son who is not his biological child. He has been charged once for assault and issued a peace bond, which expired then 10 months later was charged with uttering threats to cause death. we are awaiting trial now. currently there is a court order that states that he shall have no access to the children. I am supposed to facilitate phone calls however. During these calls he acts as the "Disney land parent" promises of the world and extravagant toys etc, to entice my children and want to see him, also making comments like "daddy was in your town this weekend, I guess mommy didn't let you see me". My children become angry, hateful and physically aggressive towards me after talking to their father. I have since stopped facilitating these calls, but I am in breach of a court order by doing so. He is pending charges, which is why I assume he hasn't taken me back to court to re-gain access. this is a very long story short.....

I guess my question lies in the frustration that everyone I talk to tells me that he has a right to the boys...

I understand this...however my children have a right to grow up without mental health issues, which I may add are already showing...signs of ptsd and anxiety in the two oldest. the youngest is just very aggressive and has severe anger issues.

Why as a parent who is supposed to "protect" am I being told to "prepare my children to be abused". It seems as though there is this law that because he shot some sperm into me he just has a right to destroy these little boys...it makes me sick! These boys have a right to grow up happy, without trauma, without hate.

oh so very frustraded mommy....

PS...I will say that for the first two years after I left I followed every court order! I allowed him to see his boys whenever he wanted...until he threatened to shoot me infront of them...I now draw the line.

Are your children in therapy ? Have you talked to their therapist about this ? Why haven't you gone back to court ? Where is your oldest sons biological father ? If the court order says that he is to have phone contact and you don't allow it, you are going against a court order. Does the pending court case involve the children ?

You seem to believe that the man you chose as father shouldn't have ANY rights. How long have the children been in counseling? Who diagnosed your ex? Your ex has a constitutional right to parent just like you do. You don't get to decide otherwise. How long have you been in therapy?

If you believe that there is child abuse or neglect in your ex's home to the point that the children are in danger, you may report your allegations to protective services along with your supporting evidence. If you do not believe the children are in danger or have only suspicions and no evidence, you appear to be trying to inflate a matter that you should attempt to resolve through the custody court (or that the custody court may have already addressed in prior litigation) into something more.

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Quoting Robson

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I will say that for the first two years after I left I followed every court order! I allowed him to see his boys whenever he wanted...until he threatened to shoot me infront of them...I now draw the line.

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You're expected to follow the court's custody order unless and until the court modifies its order.

If your ex- made a credible threat against your life, you will have filed a police report and you may consider seeking an order of protection.

Such a credible threat might also constitute a basis to get the custody court to order a psychological evaluation or to modify the existing custody order.

If you do nothing about the threat other than fail to obey the court's visitation order, you create the risk for yourself that the court won't believe your allegation should your ex- take you to court alleging that you're trying to damage his relationship with the children and should be held in contempt of court.

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Quoting Robson

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My question involves child abuse or neglect in the State of:

I am a mother of 3 young boys. My ex is a sociopath. I currently have full custody. He was very abusive, mostly emotionally, but also physically, towards me and my oldest son who is not his biological child. He has been charged once for assault and issued a peace bond, which expired then 10 months later was charged with uttering threats to cause death. we are awaiting trial now. currently there is a court order that states that he shall have no access to the children. I am supposed to facilitate phone calls however. During these calls he acts as the "Disney land parent" promises of the world and extravagant toys etc, to entice my children and want to see him, also making comments like "daddy was in your town this weekend, I guess mommy didn't let you see me". My children become angry, hateful and physically aggressive towards me after talking to their father. I have since stopped facilitating these calls, but I am in breach of a court order by doing so. He is pending charges, which is why I assume he hasn't taken me back to court to re-gain access. this is a very long story short.....

I guess my question lies in the frustration that everyone I talk to tells me that he has a right to the boys...

I understand this...however my children have a right to grow up without mental health issues, which I may add are already showing...signs of ptsd and anxiety in the two oldest. the youngest is just very aggressive and has severe anger issues.

Why as a parent who is supposed to "protect" am I being told to "prepare my children to be abused". It seems as though there is this law that because he shot some sperm into me he just has a right to destroy these little boys...it makes me sick! These boys have a right to grow up happy, without trauma, without hate.

oh so very frustraded mommy....

PS...I will say that for the first two years after I left I followed every court order! I allowed him to see his boys whenever he wanted...until he threatened to shoot me infront of them...I now draw the line.

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You really do need to get your children into counselling ASAP if they are not already in counseling. As Mercy suggested if their counsellor is not aware of how dad behaves on the phone calls then you need to make the counselor aware.

You really need to start allowing the phone calls again because you just cannot afford to disobey any aspect of the order. However, you also have the option of filing an emergency motion to suspend the phone calls based on dad's behavior.

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Quoting Mercy&Grace

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Are your children in therapy ? Have you talked to their therapist about this ? Why haven't you gone back to court ? Where is your oldest sons biological father ? If the court order says that he is to have phone contact and you don't allow it, you are going against a court order. Does the pending court case involve the children ?

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My oldest sons father lives far away, he is a great father but unfortunately his work takes him away. He sees his son when he can.

All boys are on the wait list for therapy. Hopefully September they will get in. We have been to court many many times, the last was when the judge order him to have no visitation until further order of the court. After that last order, it was ordered that the boys call him twice a week. For the first few months after the boys refused to speak to him. I have recorded video of how violent they would become when I would try to get them to call him. After time the youngest started showing interest in wanting to call, but then during the call my ex would question the boys about myself and my current partner, making me feel unsafe, along with other emotional crap that would come out during the calls. The boys would be angry and act out towards me after the calls. I have several conversations recorded.

The pending court case does not directly involve the children, however when the threats occurred it was in front of the children, along with him questioning the children about things the jeopardize my safety, trying to get someone to break into our house and on and on... Hence why the Supreme Court Judge made an order denying access until further order of the court.

I have been seeing a therapist for over a year, I do EMDR for my ptsd along with other therapy.

I do believe he has rights, that is why after all the abuse and after fleeing in the middle of the night to escape him, while he was in custody after attacking me in front of the children, I continued to do everything in my power to keep him in contact with his boys. Even when it came to sentencing for his assault charges I pleaded for him to not have a criminal record to affect his ability to work, and for him to see the children every weekend. The court allowed us to move several hours away for a reason...such as after seeing the evidence, the Supreme Court now has ordered no access. I am not a vindictive or mean person by an means (as you seem to think I may be) I myself have been in therapy for my PTSD for over a year. I have also gone back to school and am taking psychology as I have become immensely fascinated with how our brain works through this whole experience. My ex has been seen by many therapists, since a young child according to his mother...I am unsure of who exactly saw him.

As far as a mother, with sole custody, who is trying to keep myself and my children safe and being seen as the protective parent by the Ministry of Family Development, I do have some say. Seems as many on here are quick to judge and seem to be a little defensive. Not all of us are "crazy ex's" some of us do try to do the right thing.

I am aware of the consequences of not following the court order and have been in contact with my lawyer about this, trust me, it bothers me immensely. I am not one to break the law or do something like this normally. We will be dealing with this very shortly, next court date is this month.

I do have a protection order in place, my ex is smart and manipulative, he uses calling cards to call to harass us daily (as they are untraceable) and tries to get other people to do things...really irrelevant I suppose here...

I have recently been in touch with a person who will do a report of "the views of the children" during this process I believe they do a very thorough interview of BOTH parents, which I greatly look forward too!!!

I document everything, every phone call, every event etc... I am thinking maybe I should do an urgent application to suspend the calls until after the trial... I just don't know. All I want to do is keep my children's mental state healthy. That is all

I think that you are right. I will look into filling a motion to do this. the last thing I want is to be looked upon as trying to alienate him from his children. I swear this is not my intension, hence the years of driving this children to him after everything that has happened in the past...too much to go into, but I could write a book! I fear that one day I will be that mother found in a ditch somewhere...

It's a very difficult thing here that tears at my heart...my children provide him with my whereabouts, who I am with, what I am doing, where we live etc...and they always will...so how do I stay safe? Either I give him my children and run away... or what is my other option here??

I am FULLY supportive of supervised visitation, but he refuses that...

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Quoting Robson

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My oldest sons father lives far away, he is a great father but unfortunately his work takes him away. He sees his son when he can.

All boys are on the wait list for therapy. Hopefully September they will get in. We have been to court many many times, the last was when the judge order him to have no visitation until further order of the court. After that last order, it was ordered that the boys call him twice a week. For the first few months after the boys refused to speak to him. I have recorded video of how violent they would become when I would try to get them to call him. After time the youngest started showing interest in wanting to call, but then during the call my ex would question the boys about myself and my current partner, making me feel unsafe, along with other emotional crap that would come out during the calls. The boys would be angry and act out towards me after the calls. I have several conversations recorded.

The pending court case does not directly involve the children, however when the threats occurred it was in front of the children, along with him questioning the children about things the jeopardize my safety, trying to get someone to break into our house and on and on... Hence why the Supreme Court Judge made an order denying access until further order of the court.

I have been seeing a therapist for over a year, I do EMDR for my ptsd along with other therapy.

I do believe he has rights, that is why after all the abuse and after fleeing in the middle of the night to escape him, while he was in custody after attacking me in front of the children, I continued to do everything in my power to keep him in contact with his boys. Even when it came to sentencing for his assault charges I pleaded for him to not have a criminal record to affect his ability to work, and for him to see the children every weekend. The court allowed us to move several hours away for a reason...such as after seeing the evidence, the Supreme Court now has ordered no access. I am not a vindictive or mean person by an means (as you seem to think I may be) I myself have been in therapy for my PTSD for over a year. I have also gone back to school and am taking psychology as I have become immensely fascinated with how our brain works through this whole experience. My ex has been seen by many therapists, since a young child according to his mother...I am unsure of who exactly saw him.

As far as a mother, with sole custody, who is trying to keep myself and my children safe and being seen as the protective parent by the Ministry of Family Development, I do have some say. Seems as many on here are quick to judge and seem to be a little defensive. Not all of us are "crazy ex's" some of us do try to do the right thing.

I am aware of the consequences of not following the court order and have been in contact with my lawyer about this, trust me, it bothers me immensely. I am not one to break the law or do something like this normally. We will be dealing with this very shortly, next court date is this month.

I do have a protection order in place, my ex is smart and manipulative, he uses calling cards to call to harass us daily (as they are untraceable) and tries to get other people to do things...really irrelevant I suppose here...

I have recently been in touch with a person who will do a report of "the views of the children" during this process I believe they do a very thorough interview of BOTH parents, which I greatly look forward too!!!

I document everything, every phone call, every event etc... I am thinking maybe I should do an urgent application to suspend the calls until after the trial... I just don't know. All I want to do is keep my children's mental state healthy. That is all

I think that you are right. I will look into filling a motion to do this. the last thing I want is to be looked upon as trying to alienate him from his children. I swear this is not my intension, hence the years of driving this children to him after everything that has happened in the past...too much to go into, but I could write a book! I fear that one day I will be that mother found in a ditch somewhere...

It's a very difficult thing here that tears at my heart...my children provide him with my whereabouts, who I am with, what I am doing, where we live etc...and they always will...so how do I stay safe? Either I give him my children and run away... or what is my other option here??

I am FULLY supportive of supervised visitation, but he refuses that...

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Where are you located?

I see several problems with what you've just written here, but you need to tell us where you are before we can go further.

I am in Canada, Province of BC

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Quoting Robson

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I am in Canada, Province of BC

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This forum is for United States law...

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Quoting Robson

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I am in Canada, Province of BC

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Then you need to speak to an attorney in Canada, or a Canadian legal forum.

well I couldn't find a Canadian one, and I thought maybe some advice still wouldn't hurt... I was aware this was a US site :)

I have a lawyer, he is amazing, but VERY busy and VERY expensive... has cost me over 30k ... I am running out... I am simply looking for anything that may help... I am sure some of the law is the same or very similar.

If there are suggestions that may help how to deal with this very difficult situation that would be great, please.

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Quoting Robson

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well I couldn't find a Canadian one, and I thought maybe some advice still wouldn't hurt... I was aware this was a US site :)

I have a lawyer, he is amazing, but VERY busy and VERY expensive... has cost me over 30k ... I am running out... I am simply looking for anything that may help... I am sure some of the law is the same or very similar.

If there are suggestions that may help how to deal with this very difficult situation that would be great, please.

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Actually, the laws are rarely similar. In the US the laws can vary drastically from state-to-state. I'll give you an example - you mentioned you recorded phone calls. That could be absolutely legal here or, depending on your State, absolutely illegal. So no, it's really not helpful to offer you advice based on US law and parenting advice you can find anywhere online.

:cool:

ok. Thank you. I will search elsewhere.