Seeking Primary Custody and Supervised Visitation Due to the Mother's Substance Abuse

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New Jersey

My wife has been abusing drugs and alcohol for over 5 years, and finally, this April, checked herself into rehab after several arguments in which I threatened to call Child Protective Services.
We have a 1 year old child. The drugs abused in question are marijuana, cocaine, and Xanax (That I know of and have evidence to support usage)
While in rehab, she decided to leave me for another recovering addict, and moved to Brooklyn with him. I obtained a temporary custody order via an order to show cause on may 27.
Since that time, she has only scheduled and supervised visitation by arrangement. She has attempted 10 total visits in the last 2 months, cancelling 5 of the visits the day of, once I told her I was busy, and the other 4 times, she compiled a total of 2.5 (35 minutes, 1 hour 10 minutes, 25 minutes, 30 minutes) hours of visitation.

She also was tagged in a bar at 3am one week after leaving rehab by one of her new friends, and she has been adamant about wanting primary residential custody of the child, and has (like myself) hired an attorney. In her reply claim, she made 18 points. 5 of those points I can directly counter with evidence, 1 I can somewhat counter, and the others are a matter of he said she said type of nonsense. While we were together, I was worked and she stayed at home (evidence of drug use in the home I have as well). We had arguments weekly regarding her substance abuse, but I never actually called the cops or CPS (although plenty of text evidence of arguments and ultimatums).

The order to show cause returns to court soon, and I am seeking primary physical custody with supervised visitation only for her until drug testing is completed for several months of time, but also to retain primary custody of my child permanently, and I was wondering if this was a reasonable expectation given courts tend to favor mothers for children that are so young.

What is your attorney saying?

My wife knows I intend to move to South Carolina, and her attorney has made an offer to settle that I can move to South Carolina and retain primary custody, in exchange for her being able to have unsupervised blocks of time. That is the last I have heard, but in communicating with my wife via text, she is either unaware that such an offer was made, or against it, as she repeatedly asserts her desire to have primary custody, and wants me to sign my rights away. So I am taking this offer with an extreme grain of salt. I am now preparing to have to remain in new jersey, and want to know what my expectations should be.

Quote:

---

Quoting njfather

---

My wife knows I intend to move to South Carolina, and her attorney has made an offer to settle that I can move to South Carolina and retain primary custody, in exchange for her being able to have unsupervised blocks of time. That is the last I have heard, but in communicating with my wife via text, she is either unaware that such an offer was made, or against it, as she repeatedly asserts her desire to have primary custody, and wants me to sign my rights away. So I am taking this offer with an extreme grain of salt. I am now preparing to have to remain in new jersey, and want to know what my expectations should be.

---

I would stop talking to her about the custody case. If at all possible do not talk to her about it. That is what my lawyer told me to do last year when I was divorcing my ex. I would tell him things he would say and he flat out told me "Do not tell him what you are doing or tell him what he should do. Let him figure it out." My ex never had a lawyer nor showed up to court so I had it easy.

Do what your lawyer says. Do not tell your ex what you are doing. Go to court. Do any classes the court says you need to do. Let her fall on her face on her own.

Actually courts are beginning to not favor mothers solely because of gender from what I understand and have read. They are looking at best interest of the child.

Quote:

---

Quoting njfather

---

My wife knows I intend to move to South Carolina, and her attorney has made an offer to settle that I can move to South Carolina and retain primary custody, in exchange for her being able to have unsupervised blocks of time. That is the last I have heard, but in communicating with my wife via text, she is either unaware that such an offer was made, or against it, as she repeatedly asserts her desire to have primary custody, and wants me to sign my rights away. So I am taking this offer with an extreme grain of salt. I am now preparing to have to remain in new jersey, and want to know what my expectations should be.

---

Ok dad, you seriously buried the lead. You have a 1 year old child and you want custody AND to relocate the child several states away. That one is going to be difficult...and even more difficult if you insist on supervised visitation for mom. It does sound like supervised visitation, at least in the short term is the wiser thing to do, but you are making things MUCH more complicated. Is there any way you could reconsider the move to SC?

Quote:

---

Quoting llworking

---

Ok dad, you seriously buried the lead. You have a 1 year old child and you want custody AND to relocate the child several states away. That one is going to be difficult...and even more difficult if you insist on supervised visitation for mom. It does sound like supervised visitation, at least in the short term is the wiser thing to do, but you are making things MUCH more complicated. Is there any way you could reconsider the move to SC?

---

well, the thing is, we had previously both agreed to move together to south Carolina after rehab was completed for her. Her leaving me forced a delay in that, or a cancellation, but those plans were in progress prior to this whole mess. I am willing to stay in new jersey, as custody of my son is my primary concern. I can prove effectively that I had been a better parent, and that she continues to act in an unstable manner.

Quote:

---

Quoting njfather

---

well, the thing is, we had previously both agreed to move together to south Carolina after rehab was completed for her. Her leaving me forced a delay in that, or a cancellation, but those plans were in progress prior to this whole mess. I am willing to stay in new jersey, as custody of my son is my primary concern. I can prove effectively that I had been a better parent, and that she continues to act in an unstable manner.

---

Remaining in NJ would be the wiser move, particularly while your child is very young. If you move several states away mom would definitely get visitation for longer stretches of time, and likely unsupervised, much sooner than you will be ready for it to happen.

I also should warn you that courts often do not care much about marijuana, and may not care much about Xanax either. Cocaine is a much bigger issue but is also harder to test for. So, be prepared that mom's visitation might not be supervised for very long.

Quote:

---

Quoting llworking

---

Remaining in NJ would be the wiser move, particularly while your child is very young. If you move several states away mom would definitely get visitation for longer stretches of time, and likely unsupervised, much sooner than you will be ready for it to happen.

I also should warn you that courts often do not care much about marijuana, and may not care much about Xanax either. Cocaine is a much bigger issue but is also harder to test for. So, be prepared that mom's visitation might not be supervised for very long.

---

Based on reading I have done, Xanax is now a class 3 substance (same category as cocaine) when it is used recreationally. Xanax is also terrible with alcohol, and being a benzo, is one of few substance where the withdrawal from it has death as a symptom. Are you sure abuse of Xanax is not a legal issue in a custody case? distribution of Xanax illegally is punishable the same way as possession with intent to distribute for cocaine as far as I have been told.

And while I would prefer her to simply be out of our lives, I understand that is not a realistic possibility, but yes, I would prefer her to have as little involvement with my son as humanly possible until she relapses, at which time I can seek further relief. As a biomedical engineer from a very doctor heavy family, I have seen enough research on the effects of these substances to know that junkies, especially a household of junkies, should not be parenting a child. Unfortunately, the law and modern medicine are at odds in these circumstances in many cases. Her original mother lost custody of her due to substance abuse and subsequently died of a heroine overdose. One of her three sisters is stable, another also has lost custody of her child due to repeated substance abuse, and the third has a child with a man in jail for life for murder in Texas. The aunt that raised her has also been to rehab on at least 4 occasions (for alcohol only).

But in the end, how long can I keep only supervised visitation as a parameter? And as far as custody goes, should I expect continued fights for increased custody even after it becomes unsupervised? and if so, what factors are most important? Income, family stability, health, etc?

Quote:

---

Quoting njfather

---

Based on reading I have done, Xanax is now a class 3 substance (same category as cocaine) when it is used recreationally. Xanax is also terrible with alcohol, and being a benzo, is one of few substance where the withdrawal from it has death as a symptom. Are you sure abuse of Xanax is not a legal issue in a custody case? distribution of Xanax illegally is punishable the same way as possession with intent to distribute for cocaine as far as I have been told.

---

Its not so much the legality of the drug, but how it effects the person and for how long. Does or did mom ever have a prescription for it? Does she use it daily? Do you have any idea what kind of quantity she takes? I take Xanax legally. I probably do not take it more often than twice a week at the most and sometimes I go for a month or more without needing to take it at all. The only outward effect that it has on me is that I sleep a little heavier. If I were to stop taking it entirely I would have no ill effects.

So really, what you would need to be arguing in court is not so much that mom is taking the drugs, but what the drugs cause her to do and to be, and how that negatively effects the child. It would also be helpful if you had any objective witnesses to any issues that the drugs have caused.

she did not have a prescription. She was taking 4-5 1mg pills a day. I have eyewitness accounts of her acting very inappropriately and displaying poor care of the child while drunk, but only one incident while high, because she rarely left the apartment, except with her friend who was dealing the drugs to her, who is not willing to testify or give a statement for obvious reasons.

There is also the matter of the egregious amounts of money being spent on substances. A box of wine every 2 days (120 a week as she paid extra to have it delivered), 80-100 dollars in bartabs a week. 100 dollars every 2 weeks for marijuana. 100 dollars every week for Xanax. I don't know how much was spent on cocaine.

Quote:

---

Quoting njfather

---

she did not have a prescription. She was taking 4-5 1mg pills a day. I have eyewitness accounts of her acting very inappropriately and displaying poor care of the child while drunk, but only one incident while high, because she rarely left the apartment, except with her friend who was dealing the drugs to her, who is not willing to testify or give a statement for obvious reasons.

There is also the matter of the egregious amounts of money being spent on substances. A box of wine every 2 days (120 a week as she paid extra to have it delivered), 80-100 dollars in bartabs a week. 100 dollars every 2 weeks for marijuana. 100 dollars every week for Xanax. I don't know how much was spent on cocaine.

---

Are you sure that she was taking 4-5 mg a day? The average dose of Xanax is .5 mg a day. You are saying that she was/is taking 8-10 times the normal dosage. I cannot imagine anyone doing that and remaining conscious...even after taking it for a long time.

she was often not conscious and passed out on the couch for hours as a result of it, but her body had built up a significant tolerance to benzo's earlier in life. She had, while living in texas, been consuming 2 milligrams a day in the form of clonazepam, and had been for well over a year that I know of, and probably longer than that. She was also taking paxil for depression, and drinking, and smoking marijuana.

Correction. 2-2.5mg a day is what she was taking. I examined some of the pills and they are .5mg

Quote:

---

Quoting njfather

---

she was often not conscious and passed out on the couch for hours as a result of it, but her body had built up a significant tolerance to benzo's earlier in life. She had, while living in texas, been consuming 2 milligrams a day in the form of clonazepam, and had been for well over a year that I know of, and probably longer than that. She was also taking paxil for depression, and drinking, and smoking marijuana.

Correction. 2-2.5mg a day is what she was taking. I examined some of the pills and they are .5mg

---

That is a little more believable but dad, you MUST figure out how to differentiate between what she was taking legally and when, vs what she was taking without a prescription. You have got to get off of the idea that just because she did something that it negatively effected her parenting. You honestly must prove that it negatively effected her parenting. I am not on her side here at all, but you are looking at things from the basis of drugs = bad mother = dad gets custody and mom basically disappears. It is just NOT that simple.

Quote:

---

Quoting llworking

---

That is a little more believable but dad, you MUST figure out how to differentiate between what she was taking legally and when, vs what she was taking without a prescription. You have got to get off of the idea that just because she did something that it negatively effected her parenting. You honestly must prove that it negatively effected her parenting. I am not on her side here at all, but you are looking at things from the basis of drugs = bad mother = dad gets custody and mom basically disappears. It is just NOT that simple.

---

I do understand what you are saying there. That is where the law and common sense tend to split. I have plenty to show that her substance abuse affected her parenting in terms of coming home drunk and stoned at 4am on weeknights and weekends, the fact that the child was not going to sleep until 1am, but magically falls asleep at 9pm now that she's not with him, 35+ hours of television during the daytime being recorded, and various other issues that would display a neglecting mother. Smoking marijuana in a bathroom next to the room with his crib, stinking up the entire apartment and exposing him to marijuana smoke (again, while the law may not care about this, most people with common sense would). She has not had a prescription for Xanax in 2 years. Every Xanax for the last 2 years has been acquired illegally.

And while it's not that simple, I wish it were. The amount of alcohol and drugs she consumed would preclude being a quality parent for an elephant, let alone a human.

Quote:

---

Quoting njfather

---

I do understand what you are saying there. That is where the law and common sense tend to split. I have plenty to show that her substance abuse affected her parenting in terms of coming home drunk and stoned at 4am on weeknights and weekends, the fact that the child was not going to sleep until 1am, but magically falls asleep at 9pm now that she's not with him, 35+ hours of television during the daytime being recorded, and various other issues that would display a neglecting mother. Smoking marijuana in a bathroom next to the room with his crib, stinking up the entire apartment and exposing him to marijuana smoke (again, while the law may not care about this, most people with common sense would). She has not had a prescription for Xanax in 2 years. Every Xanax for the last 2 years has been acquired illegally.

And while it's not that simple, I wish it were. The amount of alcohol and drugs she consumed would preclude being a quality parent for an elephant, let alone a human.

---

You would be surprised.

I think you may be in for a very unpleasant surprise.

Quote:

---

Quoting njfather

---

I do understand what you are saying there. That is where the law and common sense tend to split. I have plenty to show that her substance abuse affected her parenting in terms of coming home drunk and stoned at 4am on weeknights and weekends, the fact that the child was not going to sleep until 1am, but magically falls asleep at 9pm now that she's not with him, 35+ hours of television during the daytime being recorded, and various other issues that would display a neglecting mother. Smoking marijuana in a bathroom next to the room with his crib, stinking up the entire apartment and exposing him to marijuana smoke (again, while the law may not care about this, most people with common sense would). She has not had a prescription for Xanax in 2 years. Every Xanax for the last 2 years has been acquired illegally.

And while it's not that simple, I wish it were. The amount of alcohol and drugs she consumed would preclude being a quality parent for an elephant, let alone a human.

---

You have not named one thing that negatively impacted the child from a legal perspective. You truly haven't. You haven't even described much that the average person would automatically say was bad parenting, and nothing that was actual neglect.

Apparently she did not do any of the drugs or drinking while she was pregnant or that would have been discovered during her prenatal care or when she gave birth. Apparently the child was fed, bathed, diapered and otherwise cared for.

Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that mom is a great mother. I am simply trying to educate you on the reality of things so that you do not mess up your own case. The bolded is the kind of attitude that you absolutely CANNOT demonstrate in court. It comes across as "I am the better parent because I am morally superior"...when you really want to come off as "I believe its better for the child to be in my custody with mom having supervised visitation because I believe that the level of mom's addictions make it unsafe for the baby to be in her unsupervised custody, right now"

However, you are going to have to explain why you allowed the child to be alone with mom for the first 10 or 11 months of the child's life, if you think its unsafe now, after mom has been to rehab.

Quote:

---

Quoting njfather

---

Based on reading I have done, Xanax is now a class 3 substance (same category as cocaine) when it is used recreationally. Xanax is also terrible with alcohol, and being a benzo, is one of few substance where the withdrawal from it has death as a symptom. Are you sure abuse of Xanax is not a legal issue in a custody case? distribution of Xanax illegally is punishable the same way as possession with intent to distribute for cocaine as far as I have been told.

---

Don't confuse family law and criminal law. I'll give you an example of what I mean. Did you know that convicted child sex offenders have been able to have unrestricted access to their own children, and some have actually been awarded custody?

Quote:

---

And while I would prefer her to simply be out of our lives, I understand that is not a realistic possibility, but yes, I would prefer her to have as little involvement with my son as humanly possible until she relapses, at which time I can seek further relief.

---

You need to be extremely careful my friend. Your attitude towards your mutual child's other parent is clear as day, and there is no doubt your son knows exactly how you feel about his mother - and this can bite you in the derriere very hard, and very fast.

Do not be foolish. Do not think that Mom can't get custody if the court feels that you're doing everything in your power to keep her away.

What further relief do you believe will be conferred by a relapse?

Quote:

---

As a biomedical engineer from a very doctor heavy family, I have seen enough research on the effects of these substances to know that junkies, especially a household of junkies, should not be parenting a child. Unfortunately, the law and modern medicine are at odds in these circumstances in many cases. Her original mother lost custody of her due to substance abuse and subsequently died of a heroine overdose. One of her three sisters is stable, another also has lost custody of her child due to repeated substance abuse, and the third has a child with a man in jail for life for murder in Texas. The aunt that raised her has also been to rehab on at least 4 occasions (for alcohol only).

---

None of this is relevant. You apparently knew this, and had a child with her anyway.

Quote:

---

But in the end, how long can I keep only supervised visitation as a parameter? And as far as custody goes, should I expect continued fights for increased custody even after it becomes unsupervised? and if so, what factors are most important? Income, family stability, health, etc?

---

Income is irrelevant. Family stability can be a factor, but it's not exactly at the top of the list. Health ... whose health? Yours? Hers? The child's? The health of the parent is rarely an issue unless it obviously compromises parenting ability (think terminal cancer, end-stage liver disease and the like).

I've taken the time to read the entire thread again, and I am going to give you some unsolicited advice.

Stop trying to get rid of Mom. You are skating on very thin ice here, and much of what you think has no bearing in the reality that is family law. You need to step back, and reassess.