Can You Modify Visitation Based on the Conduct of Your Ex's New Partner
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Ohio
Last week, when dropping our daughter off for her first extended visit, mom’s boyfriend got out of the car and tried to start a fight with me. I suspected that he was drunk, but I did not get close enough to see for sure. Yesterday, I received a message from mom stating that boyfriend had been in an accident and she would be unable to provide any transport right now. I immediately asked if our daughter was okay, and mom told me that she had not been in the car. Since mom has a habit of lying, I searched the clerk website today. Boyfriend was arrested for a DUI, leaving the scene, failure to maintain control, and two counts of child endangerment. I obtained a copy of the police report, and my daughter, their son, and my ex were all in the vehicle at the time. The police have also been called to their house nine times in the past year and a half for his intoxication. He has not been arrested, but it is all documented. This is his third DUI in two years, though the first with the kids in the car.
When I confronted my ex with this information and told her we needed to have a serious discussion about what happened yesterday, why she put herself and our child in that situation, and why she lied. I also said we needed to discuss the reasons why the police have been at her residence so many times in the past two years. She flipped, and told me that she was going to file for a restraining order and that I was stalking her by obtaining this info. She also said she was saving money to move and that I would never see my daughter again.
What do I do?! Call CPS? Is this enough to file for a change in custody? I don’t want to take my daughter away from her mom, but I also don’t want her exposed to drunken domestic disputes every other month and having her life endangered because mom thinks it is okay to get in a car with her drunk boyfriend. There were also Xanax that were confiscated and I believe (though have no proof) that one or both of them may be on pills
I just had my visitation agreement finalized in April and before 2015 I had been absent for about three years, so I don’t know that they would even give me custody at this point since my daughter and I have only been close for about a year. What should I do? Please help me help her.
Re: Child Endangerment - What do I do?
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lostdadinohio
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Ohio
Last week, when dropping our daughter off for her first extended visit, mom’s boyfriend got out of the car and tried to start a fight with me. I suspected that he was drunk, but I did not get close enough to see for sure. Yesterday, I received a message from mom stating that boyfriend had been in an accident and she would be unable to provide any transport right now. I immediately asked if our daughter was okay, and mom told me that she had not been in the car. Since mom has a habit of lying, I searched the clerk website today. Boyfriend was arrested for a DUI, leaving the scene, failure to maintain control, and two counts of child endangerment. I obtained a copy of the police report, and my daughter, their son, and my ex were all in the vehicle at the time. The police have also been called to their house nine times in the past year and a half for his intoxication. He has not been arrested, but it is all documented. This is his third DUI in two years, though the first with the kids in the car.
When I confronted my ex with this information and told her we needed to have a serious discussion about what happened yesterday, why she put herself and our child in that situation, and why she lied. I also said we needed to discuss the reasons why the police have been at her residence so many times in the past two years. She flipped, and told me that she was going to file for a restraining order and that I was stalking her by obtaining this info. She also said she was saving money to move and that I would never see my daughter again.
What do I do?! Call CPS? Is this enough to file for a change in custody? I don’t want to take my daughter away from her mom, but I also don’t want her exposed to drunken domestic disputes every other month and having her life endangered because mom thinks it is okay to get in a car with her drunk boyfriend. There were also Xanax that were confiscated and I believe (though have no proof) that one or both of them may be on pills
I just had my visitation agreement finalized in April and before 2015 I had been absent for about three years, so I don’t know that they would even give me custody at this point since my daughter and I have only been close for about a year. What should I do? Please help me help her.
At this point you may not need to do anything to help her. The boyfriend's charges are serious enough that he may very well be looking at some time...plus its unlikely that he will ever have a driver's license again.
Mom won't get anywhere with the whole stalking or restraining order ideas either.
Re: Child Endangerment - What do I do?
Thank you for your help. I just worry about her because I don't think it's the best environment. The boyfriend was on restriction until this past Christmas. He was only supposed to go to and from work, but mom was having him drive her and the kids everywhere. Our daughter has been to the ER three times in the past year because their three year old son attacks her with things like golf clubs and screwdrivers (not that it's his fault - but why is no one watching them?!) and I know she has been left alone at the house at least once. I also think her mom has told her to lie to me about certain things. For example, we were watching a movie and some kid got spanked in it. She said "Ooh, he's getting a whoopin!" I asked her if she'd ever been spanked, and she said yes. I asked her who did it, and she immediately shut down and said she did it to herself. I don't care if mom smacks her butt - not how I would parent, but not illegal - but I do not want her drunk boyfriend touching our daughter. She also freaked out at the idea of being alone with me during our extended visit, because my wife had to work. She was hysterical saying that she only likes to be around girls, and that she is never allowed alone with mom's BF. My daughter NEVER cries, so this made me really uneasy.
I'll wait and see what happens, but I am very anxious about his behavior.
Thank you also for the reassurance about the restraining orders. Mom filed several against me in the past, and that is her favorite go to when we are arguing (oh, I want to go to open house at daughter's school? Well she will call the police and tell them I'm stalking her!). It gets old.
Sorry for so many questions. I just looked up the DUI rules in my county. Third offense can get anywhere from 30 days to a year in jail. I want to make sure that he doesn't just get to plead out of the endangerment charge. Would it be possible to hire an attorney to represent my daughter in this matter? Mom has sole legal custody, if that matters.
Re: Child Endangerment - What do I do?
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lostdadinohio
Thank you for your help. I just worry about her because I don't think it's the best environment.
"not the best environment" is very different than a truly bad environment.
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The boyfriend was on restriction until this past Christmas. He was only supposed to go to and from work, but mom was having him drive her and the kids everywhere.
You have every right to be concerned about that but at this point I am pretty sure its going to be a moot point, because its highly likely that the boyfriend is going to jail.
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Our daughter has been to the ER three times in the past year because their three year old son attacks her with things like golf clubs and screwdrivers (not that it's his fault - but why is no one watching them?!)
I do not know how old your daughter is but parents cannot keep their eyes on children 24/7. The better question to ask perhaps is why the three year old had access to that sort of thing. However, hospitals are mandated reporters and if the hospital did not call CPS, then its not a CPS matter.
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and I know she has been left alone at the house at least once.
Again, you haven't mentioned her age.
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I also think her mom has told her to lie to me about certain things. For example, we were watching a movie and some kid got spanked in it. She said "Ooh, he's getting a whoopin!" I asked her if she'd ever been spanked, and she said yes. I asked her who did it, and she immediately shut down and said she did it to herself. I don't care if mom smacks her butt - not how I would parent, but not illegal - but I do not want her drunk boyfriend touching our daughter.
Dad, I am sorry but it was highly inappropriate of you to be questioning your daughter like that. Of COURSE she shut down.
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She also freaked out at the idea of being alone with me during our extended visit, because my wife had to work. She was hysterical saying that she only likes to be around girls, and that she is never allowed alone with mom's BF. My daughter NEVER cries, so this made me really uneasy.
Dad, while I do think that its a shame that your daughter was afraid to be alone with you, what your daughter said is a very clear indication that her mother does NOT leave her alone with the boyfriend or hasn't with any other boyfriend and that is something very positive. You are only very newly restored to your daughter's life on a regular basis, so she has not yet totally processed the fact that things are different with you than with mom's boyfriends.
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I'll wait and see what happens, but I am very anxious about his behavior.
Thank you also for the reassurance about the restraining orders. Mom filed several against me in the past, and that is her favorite go to when we are arguing (oh, I want to go to open house at daughter's school? Well she will call the police and tell them I'm stalking her!). It gets old.
Sorry for so many questions. I just looked up the DUI rules in my county. Third offense can get anywhere from 30 days to a year in jail. I want to make sure that he doesn't just get to plead out of the endangerment charge. Would it be possible to hire an attorney to represent my daughter in this matter? Mom has sole legal custody, if that matters.
He has child endangerment on top of the DUI. Its not going to be that simple.
Re: Child Endangerment - What do I do?
My daughter is seven, soon to be eight. I apologize, I should have included that.
I try very hard not to question my daughter on things, but she will occasionally say things that cause me to feel some alarm. I don't know what to do in those situations. We were talking in a joking manner, and so I was surprised when she shut down. I immediately dropped the issue, because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.
In regards to mom's boyfriend, they have been together since before we broke up. She told our daughter that he is her daddy - she continues to do that to this day. That is why I find it concerning that he has never been alone with her or that she is afraid to be alone with him.
At this point, mom is saying that her boyfriend is going to have the charges dropped because he wasn't actually drunk. I know that they did a blood test at the police station, not a breathalyzer. Do you know how long that takes to come back? I do know that boyfriend was bailed out so he is now back in the home with the kids. This was also broadcast on all of our local news stations on Monday - mom said she made it a point to make the seven year old think it was funny. She said "Ask -our daughter- tomorrow please! She watched the news and we all laughed because that's not even what happened!". I read the police report and I know that boyfriend was fighting with an occupant of the car when the police arrived with the children in view. Mom also told me that she was almost arrested as well.
I'm not going to act like I'm perfect. I was not in her life for a few years for various reasons - but bottom line, I could have done more. I had a DUI myself five years ago, but I was the only occupant in the car. I quit drinking and I haven't been in trouble since. Mom was ALSO in the car with BF and kids, so apparently she thinks this behavior is okay.
Re: Child Endangerment - What do I do?
UPDATE - Please help
I tried to let this go and let the courts handle it hoping, as a previous poster said, that he would have jail time and I wouldn't have to be concerned with him anymore. However, mom keeps leaving the kids with him unsupervised (including overnight). Two days ago another warrant was issued in conjunction with the DUI. Apparently when they patted him down they found Xanax in a bottle with his name on it, but the bottle was for another prescription. I guess they just found out that he doesn't have a prescription for Xanax, and since there were 87 of them, he is facing felony charges. I have been told they probably won't go out of their way to pick him up over that.
He seems to be getting more unstable. Last friday, my wife went to pick up my daughter. Mom was not there, and neither her nor BF had any idea that not only was it our weekend, but it was our last week of summer visitation (despite the email that we sent at the beginning of the summer outlining all dates). Mom argued on the phone with wife that we had already had our three weeks, and BF spent the time demanding that my daughter (7) tell my wife that she didn't want to go with her. My daughter was hysterical the entire ride home.
There has to be something I can do. She goes back to her mom's house tonight and I am really worried for her safety.
Re: Child Endangerment - What do I do?
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lostdadinohio
UPDATE - Please help
I tried to let this go and let the courts handle it hoping, as a previous poster said, that he would have jail time and I wouldn't have to be concerned with him anymore. However, mom keeps leaving the kids with him unsupervised (including overnight). Two days ago another warrant was issued in conjunction with the DUI. Apparently when they patted him down they found Xanax in a bottle with his name on it, but the bottle was for another prescription. I guess they just found out that he doesn't have a prescription for Xanax, and since there were 87 of them, he is facing felony charges. I have been told they probably won't go out of their way to pick him up over that.
He seems to be getting more unstable. Last friday, my wife went to pick up my daughter. Mom was not there, and neither her nor BF had any idea that not only was it our weekend, but it was our last week of summer visitation (despite the email that we sent at the beginning of the summer outlining all dates). Mom argued on the phone with wife that we had already had our three weeks, and BF spent the time demanding that my daughter (7) tell my wife that she didn't want to go with her. My daughter was hysterical the entire ride home.
There has to be something I can do. She goes back to her mom's house tonight and I am really worried for her safety.
I know you're concerned, Dad. But what is it you want to do? I don't see anything justifying an emergency/ex parte custody order despite this guy seemingly wanting to self-destruct.
And seriously, WHY is your WIFE on the phone with Mom? Can you not see that your wife has absolutely no business being involved in this AT ALL?
Re: Child Endangerment - What do I do?
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Dogmatique
I know you're concerned, Dad. But what is it you want to do? I don't see anything justifying an emergency/ex parte custody order despite this guy seemingly wanting to self-destruct.
And seriously, WHY is your WIFE on the phone with Mom? Can you not see that your wife has absolutely no business being involved in this AT ALL?
So even though there is a child endangerment charge against our child from him, and mom is leaving them alone when she knows that he is abusing prescription pills, they won't do anything? Even though mom put all of them in the car with him while he was drinking, and is showing poor judgment in an escalating situation? Great.
As for my wife, she does the pick ups. Mom lives forty minutes from me, and I am not medically able to drive. My wife's job is ten minutes from their house. It's never been an issue and was even put into the court order. My daughter's mother called my wife because she was the one at her house picking up our daughter. She called me and I talked to her, she then hung up on me and called my wife instead.