Refusing Visitation Over Objections to the Father's Proposed Living Arrangement

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: VA
I have sole phy custody of my child and her dad has summer visitation. He recently moved over 1500 miles away. He has not held a steady job, had a place to live or a vehicle in almost 2 years. He has lived in 5 different states in the last 4 years. Recently, he moved in with his gf and "works for himself". According to our visitation agreement, he was to let me know by 1APR if he was going to exercise his visitation and the details of where/sleeping arrangements and how she would get to him since he has a history of instability and resides so far away in a place the child has never been. He wrote me an email stating she could sleep on the couch and his mom would drive the child to him and bring the child back and then when I called him to say that was not okay (child is 7), he said they would probably just live with his mom/stepfather in an RV down the road at a campground for the summer. I am not okay with this situation. The grandparents were advised by the GAL at our modification of visitation hearing to file for visitation and they did not. My stance is my child deserves the visitation time with dad and if he is just going to pawn the child off on his parents, then the child can just stay here for the summer. He has not made any effort to accommodate the child's needs and is relying on mom to handle everything for him. He told me "if I want to make her get a job and sleep in the grass, I can and you can't do anything about it". My question is, what legal ramifications can I expect to face, if any by not letting his mother pick her up for the Summer? I understand if I deny visitation he can file a show cause but the "denial" has to have taken place already, correct? Wouldn't he have to come to VA (where the order was originated) to file that? He won't even come here to visit his child, so I doubt he'd come to do that. If he did, what would happen next? Thank you.

What exactly does your court order say - word for word - about you having to approve sleeping arrangements etc., ?

What does it state about pick-ups and drop-offs in your custody agreement? The ones that I'm familiar with (mine and my husband's) states that the non-custodial parent is responsible for picks-ups and drop-offs, not family members or friends. So, assuming that is the case, you wouldn't have to let your child go with a grandparent.

But...it's really in your best interest to attempt to not be so controlling when it comes to the father's visitation time. He's entitled to his visitation, and, unless you suspect serious abuse or neglect (which you'd have to take up in court) it's in your daughter's best interest to spend time with him, even if you disagree with the arrangements. Part of being a parent is trying to do what's best for your daughter, and seeing her father is good for her. Believe me, I spent my early 20's as a controlling mom, and I regret it now. Your daughter is seven and seven is old enough to tell you if abuse or neglect is happening. It's hard to let go, but your life will be so much less complicated and stressful if you do.

And...as for keeping her from her father for the reasons you suggested...It probably wouldn't look very good in front of a judge when/if it comes up.

And I just found out yesterday from CPS in my state (Kentucky) that children aren't required to have beds in a home, that the floor or a couch is fine considering how rampant poverty is.

The amended visitation order was written by the GAL who came to my house, spoke with me but never had any contact with the father. He did not go to his house either since he resided out of state. He even wrote in his report that he did not have a complete picture of the father due to him not responding to the questionnaire, etc. And that he has reservations about setting specific visitation but ended up sending in a very generic amendment for the order. The order states "upon proper notice to exercise such visitation made to mother no later than april 1st of each year..." He did not notify me by April 1. "...father shall inform mother of where the child will be residing during summer visitation, and with whom and provide up to date contact info...". It doesn't specifically state a bed to sleep in but isn't that a reasonable expectation for a child? He resides with a woman, her 12 yr old and her 12 yr old niece, who my child have never met. It's pretty much a 'crash pad' situation for him and that's why he wants her to live with his mom who resides in FL but is willing to live in an RV to accommodate him not having a place for our child to live with him. I'm not agreeing to the child living with the grandparents. They do not have visitation rights and if he can't make accommodations for the child, then the child will continue to stay in this stable, comfortable home. The grandparents are welcomed to visit anytime and have done so a few times over the past few years. The father has not. His theory is "if my mom is visiting her, that's good enough". It's time for dad to step up and get things in order and stop letting his mom be "dad" for him. I know it's not my place to make that happen but one can hope.

Quote:

---

Quoting Reeses

---

According to our visitation agreement, he was to let me know by 1APR if he was going to exercise his visitation and the details of where/sleeping arrangements and how she would get to him....

---

Unless the court order requires more than his informing you, he obeyed the order and you're the one who is violating its requirements and can potentially be held in contempt of court. If he is in fact compliant with the order, but you have a problem with his proposal, it's on you to take the matter to court and to try to convince the court that there is a problem with his proposal.

Quote:

---

Quoting Reeses

---

[In response to my objection] he said they would probably just live with his mom/stepfather in an RV down the road at a campground for the summer. I am not okay with this situation.

---

Same thing, but more so. This is his visitation, not his grandparents. Your complaint that the grandparents did not seek visitation has absolutely nothing to do with your ex's own parenting time, or how much his parents see the child during his parenting time.

Quote:

---

Quoting Reeses

---

My question is, what legal ramifications can I expect to face, if any by not letting his mother pick her up for the Summer?

---

Your refusal of parenting time can result in his being awarded make-up parenting time on days of his choice, as well as the possibility of your being held in contempt of court and being sanctioned. A pattern of refusal to obey a custody order can create the foundation for change of custody. So again, what you need to do is obey the order and, if you actually have valid reasons to object to his proposal, take the matter to court before it becomes an issue.

Quote:

---

Quoting gavinsmom1984

---

So, assuming that is the case, you wouldn't have to let your child go with a grandparent.

---

Actually, a typical custody order does not require that any particular individual handle exchanges, and there's ordinarily no reason why a responsible third party cannot facilitate the exchange.

He resides in Sturgis SD and told me he would take her to Sturgis Bike Rally after I specifically told him that she is not to go. It's not an environment for a child, especially a young girl. He made the choice to move away from her and I've always advocated a relationship between them but he has avoided it until now when his mom stepped in. He has driven drunk with her before, left her unattended on multiple occasions and has left her with friends overnight without telling me. (I'm in the military and he had her while I was deployed for 9 months)
So this plays out like this: Summer comes, his mother shows up to pick her up and I don't let her go. He has to come to VA to file a motion for show cause (which he won't come here to do) which can take months to be heard at which point the Summer has come and gone. I've protected my child from being exposed to a morally corrupt environment and Dad has learned a lesson on why it's important to follow the rules. What happens at court?
Unfortunately, the system is set up in a way where I could not prevent the bad stuff from happening to her until the bad stuff happens to her (verbatim by the judge) and he cannot file against me for denial of visitation until the visitation is denied.

Quote:

---

Quoting Reeses

---

He resides in Sturgis SD and told me he would take her to Sturgis Bike Rally after I specifically told him that she is not to go. It's not an environment for a child, especially a young girl. He made the choice to move away from her and I've always advocated a relationship between them but he has avoided it until now when his mom stepped in. He has driven drunk with her before, left her unattended on multiple occasions and has left her with friends overnight without telling me. (I'm in the military and he had her while I was deployed for 9 months)
So this plays out like this: Summer comes, his mother shows up to pick her up and I don't let her go. He has to come to VA to file a motion for show cause (which he won't come here to do) which can take months to be heard at which point the Summer has come and gone. I've protected my child from being exposed to a morally corrupt environment and Dad has learned a lesson on why it's important to follow the rules. What happens at court?
Unfortunately, the system is set up in a way where I could not prevent the bad stuff from happening to her until the bad stuff happens to her (verbatim by the judge) and he cannot file against me for denial of visitation until the visitation is denied.

---

Hypocrite.

There's nothing wrong with a kid sleeping on a couch for a couple months, there's nothing wrong with a kid going to the Sturgis rally either. Believe it or not, families attend. Tell him to take her to Mount Rushmore.

And as far as him coming to Virginia to file- he can hire a lawyer to do that for him. What proof do you have that he left her "unattended?"

Does he get to dictate who you can leave the child with?

The problem here is that you are trying to control what he does with her on his visitation time, telling him what he can and cannot do. If the situation were reversed, would you tolerate him controlling you in that fashion? Would you think it fair that he would be able to dictate how you spend time with her while she is with you? Each parent has the right to decide what to with the kid during his/her time with the child. If you truly think some of the things he does are harmful then you need to go to court and get restrictions put in the order to prevent him from doing it. Apart from that, you don’t get the right to control what he does. And yes, I understand why you want to do it and your motivation, at least in your mind, is to shield your daughter rather than to control him but it has the same effect in the end — you are trying to control him. And that is what a court will see should he decide to move for contempt.

Quote:

---

Quoting Reeses

---

He resides in Sturgis SD and told me he would take her to Sturgis Bike Rally after I specifically told him that she is not to go. It's not an environment for a child, especially a young girl. He made the choice to move away from her and I've always advocated a relationship between them but he has avoided it until now when his mom stepped in. He has driven drunk with her before, left her unattended on multiple occasions and has left her with friends overnight without telling me. (I'm in the military and he had her while I was deployed for 9 months)
So this plays out like this: Summer comes, his mother shows up to pick her up and I don't let her go. He has to come to VA to file a motion for show cause (which he won't come here to do) which can take months to be heard at which point the Summer has come and gone. I've protected my child from being exposed to a morally corrupt environment and Dad has learned a lesson on why it's important to follow the rules. What happens at court?
Unfortunately, the system is set up in a way where I could not prevent the bad stuff from happening to her until the bad stuff happens to her (verbatim by the judge) and he cannot file against me for denial of visitation until the visitation is denied.

---

Here is the biggest problem that you face:

Its probably true that dad won't come to VA to fight you in court if he is living in SD. However, if he DOES, and you happen to get a judge that really, seriously frowns on mothers who attempt to keep children away from their fathers, you could end up losing custody of your child to dad. The odds may be slim of that happening, but stranger things have happened when it comes to family law.

However, I would personally be more concerned that grandma would pick the child up and take the child back to FL for the summer with her, rather than take the child to SD.