Protecting the Family from a Minor Child's Boyfriend

My question involves juvenile law in the State of: California

Hi, sadly I have a 16 year old daughter (sophomore) who started dating her boyfriend in the beginning of the new school year 2015. I did not know they were dating because my daughter had asked to spend time with him and I knew he'd been in trouble with the law and a delinquent since middle school (he is 16 as well) and I said no she could not spend time with him. She didn't listen and would spend time with him at school. I took away her cell phone in November because of cutting classes and promised to return it when she went to classes on time. She ran away with the boy, along with another friend, and stayed in an abandoned home for 2 days before we found them. In an attempt to promote goodwill, we sat down with the boys family to outline a plan that would allow them to see each other with parental supervision. 4 months later my daughter no longer has friends, she's doing drugs, she's failing all of her classes and is now being monitored by the police for truancy. She refuses to go to school, she leaves the house without permission and returns when she pleases.

I tried reasoning with her and she says she hates me and I annoy her. Her refusal to adhere to any rules resulted in me removing all remaining electronics in her room and changing the wifi password so she cannot access the internet via any device she may have that I don't know about. Also, in order to protect myself, I file a report with the school resource officer to document I am attempting to get my minor child to adhere to going to school. I told my daughter each time she was truant I would file another report and eventually they would, according to the police, assign a parole officer to her. I explained this to her in hopes of instilling some healthy fear in her since trying to work with her and the boyfriend went nowhere.

As of tonight, my daughter has again left the house without permission and I received a scathing email from the boyfriend taunting me about what a terrible parent I am for filing a police report against my daughter. He warned me that this was going to "F" things up for me and I needed to think on what I was doing. His parents allow him to do as he pleases and sadly he knows the law as well as the police do and he uses being a minor to his full advantage.

I'm fearful for not only my daughter, but my entire family. I have no idea what to do at this point. I have considered trying a restraining order to keep him away from us and my daughter but frankly I'm afraid of what he would do. Any help, advice or parents with experience please let me know. I'm completely at a loss here.

I'd like to lock her up in rehab but California requires a minor to agree to rehab and that will never happen. Thinking the only answer is to move out in the middle of the night and get out of this state.

Depending on the county you live in, your daughter may be very close to coming under the supervision of Juvenile Probation as an incorrigible minor. Unfortunately, many counties haven't got the time or resources to deal with status offenders (truants, runaways, out of control, etc.) so they continue to be delinquents until they get caught committing a crime other than truancy.

And I doubt that junior knows the law as well as the police do, but he likely has learned that where you live nothing is going to happen to him so long as he continues to only commit status offenses.

If you had the resources, sending her to military school or some such thing might be an option. But, she might just runaway from there, to.

Restraining order MIGHT be possible, but, before Mr. Wonderful could be charged with violating it, they would need probable cause to believe he did. And, if they both deny being together it would take them being caught together by a third party in order to get the possibility of that offense being charged.

Additionally, EVERY TIME your daughter runs away (or leaves without your permission) you need to report her as missing. EVERY TIME. The police are required by law to take the report, so even if they grumble about it, they will. You might also want to check with your county's social services agency and Probation Department to see if there are any resources for you. There may be support programs for parents in similar situations, they may have programs that they can direct you to that might get her under court supervision, or something else. YOU need support in this, too.

I have to say that it sounds like you have done the right things so far. You can only do so much before you really run out of legal options. Personally, I wouldn't be too concerned about the punk boy might do ... you might want to make him concerned about what you might do if he tries to mess with you or your family. The moment you decide not to take some action because some punk runs his mouth, he wins.

Good luck, and God bless.

You may want to look into programs for out of control teenagers that are out of state. There are some religious ones that are very strict. You would need to fully investigate any places before you send her. You also might be wise to not tell her or anyone else that you are thinking about sending her any place like this. sometimes it is just better to to take them without telling them anything about it. That way they can't run away or give their friends info about the places. Some of these places do not allow cellphones, internet, etc and you and your family many not be able be to have contact with her for several months, depending on the facility. You need to do something soon before she gets pregnant, if she isn't already. She will have to have a physical including pregnancy and other tests before she will be accepted at any of the places that I am thinking about.

My husband and I have thought about doing this. Here's the greatest issue that prevents us from doing this. Money. Some of the programs we have looked at have been $30,000 or more. We've considered giving parental rights to family and having them put her in a lockdown rehab site but then she loses her insurance and they would have to apply for state funded medical insurance.

We lost everything after 2008 and we just don't have the financial resources that most of these places are asking. If you know of anyplace that works with families in our financial situation I'd love to hear some options.

PS I would never say anything to my daughter in advance about doing something like this! She'd run away before we had a chance to do anything.

Great suggestion about filing the report every time!

Mr. Wonderful and his family are not originally from this country, very controlling, hot headed, react before thinking and his parents basically ignore his behavior and even encourage it. It's a cultural thing....

This is exhausting but since we have tried playing "lets be fair and try to work this out," without cooperation, it's time to take an aggressive stance.

In your reply you said it would take the two of them being caught by a third party in order to get the offense being charged. Who qualifies as third party?

Thanks, we could use all the prayers and blessings from God possible!

Have you contacted any of the places and asked if they have a way for families that can't afford that full cost ? You may also want to look at christian programs. Sometimes, they will work with you when the other programs won't.

What makes this situation worse is that most people can't comprehend it. They think that the child just needs tough love or something to focus on to get her mind off of Mr. Wonderful. This situation is way past those things. She will have to be in a place where she does not have the freedom or ability to contact him or anyone else and where her running away is nearly, if not totally impossible. The thing about programs like this is if they don't teach the child how to cope, make good decisions and live in the outside world, when the child gets out, they often go back to what they knew before. A lot of her bahavior is her being a teenager. Hopefully you can find a program that will make financial arrangements and she can stay there long enough to outgrow a lot of her behavior. Is there any chance that Mr. Wonderful and his family might move far, far away ? Although that may not solve anything, but I'm sure it is a dream you've had.

Great idea. I have been desperate enough to even open a gofundme account so family near and far can help. Mr. Wonderful and his family are from Iran. As much trouble as this kid has been in, I'm very surprised they didn't ship him over there to straighten him up. They'd whip his butt into shape real quick. There's something to be said for the morality police!!

I'm grateful for this forum and the support here. I appreciate your feedback. I'll start looking into some Christian programs. Maybe we could qualify for a partial scholarship at least.

God bless!

Hell, send HER to Iran. I can't imagine. I just can't imagine because I'd be in jail if this were my child and it would all be worth it. I'm kissing my boys tonight, but I've been whooping their asses since they were knee high to the curb.

CourtClerk, for some reason some parents got the idea that if a child didn't like the discipline that it was child abuse and they shouldn't do it. There is a huge difference between a spanking, a tap on the bottom and child abuse. How many times have we read here where teenagers complain that they are being abused because their parents won't let them do what they want. Then when the parents do discipline them or crack down on them, they scream child abuse. If you aren't beating your child and/or starving them, etc then you aren't abusing them. Let them scream child abuse all they want. Not Disciplining A Child Is Child Abuse.

The OP's big mistake was sitting down with the boy and his family and trying to be fair. The child does not tell the parent what they want to do and get to do it. Chances are Mom did this because the daughter wanted it.

I never understood reasoning with your kids. Does "because I said so" count as reasoning? You can't let your child think everything is negotiable all through life and then when they start doing things you don't agree with, try to put the kibosh on their behavior. Parenting teenagers is challenging even when you've got kids like mine... parenting teenagers with no respect for their parents is damn near impossible.

CourtClerk, teenagers do present a challenge, to say the least. There is nothing wrong with telling teenagers "because I said so" at times. But you have to start letting them exercise their judgement, within reason, so you can guide them when they make poor choices so they learn. The problem seems to be that some parents go from "because I said so" to thinking that the teen can make certain decisions without teaching them how. Know what I mean ? I am so Thankful that my children are grown.