Can You Get Custody Changed Over School Tardies

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: VA and NC

My ex has custody of our youngest who is a 9 year old boy and I have visitation. We also have a oldest who is 15 who I am have custody of and she gets visitation. She lives in Va and I live in NC. I use to live in VA and at that time we had 50/50 with the youngest. During that time she got him to school late nearly every day (95%), I did not. We were newly divorced and I was looking to move back to NC as I have relatives there and I knew I would be in a better position to provide what help I could to my boys. The oldest has had a problem with school refusal that developed in his middle school years while I and his mother were still married. I worked in a neighboring county and was unable to be there in the mornings when it all seemed to be unraveling. Only until I have moved to NC has it come to light his anxiety about is weight (morbidly obese) and image. He now goes to a personal trainer, is on homebound, seeing therapy and taking medication. He and his mother have little to do with each other and she doesn't do anything to assist in his making progress. He and his younger brother are much different. The youngest is very easy going and compliant. The oldest had always been strong willed and the mother emotional which has created a lot of history between the two of them. When she left she made no effort to see him or tend to him which is why I ended up with custody of him. The youngest on the other hand has had a "ok" relationship. I don't want to get too involved with her emotional issues as there are some but my primary concern is over his tardies. To get back to my moving and why she has custody, even though she was already getting him to school tardy most days, I know that I really did not want to separate him from his mother as they had a decent relationship and from what I understand children at his age look to their mothers or need them more. I knew my decision to move was mine and trying to do what I could for the oldest as I saw a need of urgency to help him. In other words he was my biggest concern as he is nearing the beginning of his adult life. I had a suspicion that she was going to not do well providing enough structure to get him to school on time as it had happened to the oldest when he was younger except not to this extent. I had her sign a court order that she was to get him to school on time and yet she has continued. When I moved there was a half year of school left of which time I sent her a letter and the school had sent letters. This year letters have been sent from the school and I have notified her. This year there have been 116 days of school. 12 of those he has been absent, 74 of those he has been tardy. That leaves 30 days out of 116 where he was there and on time. Most of the time it is not long but at times it is an hour. It is fairly apparent that this is not a concern of hers and so I do not see it improving.

My question, is this grounds enough in his best interest to seek custody? I know my moving and signing over my custody was a way of saying I think she is capable but I did have her sign a (lawyer written consent form I think) that she would get him to school so it is established that I have a problem with it. I am concerned that the longer I wait the more it will seem as though I am ok with this. As I have stated I have had my hands covered with my oldest and with my move it was certainly a challenge and am in a better position.

Thank you for any feed back.

Had you not moved away you would have had a really good shot at changing the custody schedule based on mom's inability to get him to school on time on a regular basis. However, since you moved away its a more complicated situation. Yes, being late to school that much is bad, but you will also be separating the child from his mother, from his friends and from his school. How does the child do in school?

Yes, being tardy/absent is a huge concern and in some states, parents can be jailed for it. But to lose custody you'd have to prove he and his education are being neglected. How are his grades? He's 9 so I'm guessing mom is just dropping him off late? Why is that? I think those questions should be answered before you move further. If he's just being dropped off a few minutes after the bell but his grades are good then I wouldn't jump the gun. But if he's hours late and missing many complete days of school and grades are going down, then you might have a good case.

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Quoting llworking

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Had you not moved away you would have had a really good shot at changing the custody schedule based on mom's inability to get him to school on time on a regular basis. However, since you moved away its a more complicated situation. Yes, being late to school that much is bad, but you will also be separating the child from his mother, from his friends and from his school. How does the child do in school?

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I agree, if I did get custody it would be a big change for him and her. Which is why I have such a dilemma. His grades are great. A general concern I have is what impact this may create for him as he gets older and maybe starts to resist school, which may not happen as it did to my oldest. Teen years are trying for most parents.

Well, I say big change but then again it isn't like she has any relatives there. Her relatives are in another state. If he lived with me he would have his brother again and my family as well as my fiances sons which he gets along really well with. Just VA is his original home, the school he has gone to and the friends he has had. I have to really think about that and I appreciate your response.

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Quoting NCken

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I agree, if I did get custody it would be a big change for him and her. Which is why I have such a dilemma. His grades are great. A general concern I have is what impact this may create for him as he gets older and maybe starts to resist school, which may not happen as it did to my oldest. Teen years are trying for most parents.

Well, I say big change but then again it isn't like she has any relatives there. Her relatives are in another state. If he lived with me he would have his brother again and my family as well as my fiances sons which he gets along really well with. Just VA is his original home, the school he has gone to and the friends he has had. I have to really think about that and I appreciate your response.

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If he is doing great in school then your odds of being able to change custody and move him out of state become infinitely smaller. A judge won't change primary custody in a situation like yours based on some concern that something may happen in the future that is not happening now.

What is the cause for his tardiness? And are we talking a few minutes or is he consistently really late for class? If mom is the cause then you can't assume at this point that your youngest will hate school too. Every child is different however they do learn from those around them so being with your oldest some who's clearly struggling may not be the best place for your youngest.

As a parent, I can understand your concern. However I think it's probably a better option to get to the root of the issue and find out how you might encourage your child instead of pulling him away from mom.

I have talked to my youngest about it and says she does not wake him up. I asked if she is awake when he awakens and he says she is so she just isn't bothering. He is sometimes only minutes late and then there are times when he is nearly an hour late. She did some of this with our oldest and he is a mess now. I took him to a therapist today, who is a cognitive behavioral therapist and pointed out that my oldest had to learn this behavior from some where. My oldest did explain that when he was in elementary school his mother would be running late (as she was never in a real hurry to make it anywhere on time, she doesn't have to be at work till like 10am and basically works part time, can do this because her mother now supports her) and he would urge her to get him to school as he did not want to arrive late and be a center of attention or feel awkward. Would feel anxious in other words and after 20 minutes he would then be so anxious that she would struggle with him and he would resist with her giving in and throwing up her hands. This went on for a while until finally in middle school, which you could imagine for an obese child was not a pleasant experience, 7th grade he missed 40 days of school and 8th grade another 40 days. During that time his mother and I were splitting up and I was then switching jobs to be closer to home and ensure he made it to school as I did not have any relatives or support in the area. So this is my concern. She is now habitually late with the youngest and at what point is he too going to be so anxious and figure out that he can resist and get a day at home as well and not have to go to school and face it? The therapist pointed out that it has been studied that children who do not attend school on a regular basis and on time at a young age tend to have problems attending school later in life or even finish it. This isn't the first time I have heard this and only hearing it again brings this whole issue to a forefront for me and what am I to do about it? I could try to set an alarm on his ipad the next time he visits, get him a prepaid phone as a back up to call him in the mornings to wake him up, teach him he will need to get himself ready, eat breakfast and get out to the bus all without the aid of his mom. Don't think I was doing all that when I was 9. Excuse my tone of frustration and is not directed at anyone here.

I understand your frustration, and that you feel like you can do it better, but it seems like you don't have enough to change custody, so it is time to come up with an alternate solution. It is absolutely appropriate for a child of nine years old to be able to do those things by himself. My daughter is just turning four and she gets her own cereal in the morning, pours her own milk, puts on her own clothes, etc. I still wake her up and pick out her clothes, but she will definitely have her own alarm clock when she starts kindergarten. You might not have had to do this at nine, but your son is going to have to if he wants to get to school on time. Unfortunately that is just the way it is. What do you think is the appropriate age to teach these skills? Teaching him these skills now, might help prevent the fears you have about him having the same issues as your older child.

Change in custody doesn't happen because of what you think might transpire further on down the road. Don't assume that because something happened a certain way with another child, it will happen with this child. Especially if he is making good grades and having quite a bit of success in school, he may not be as eager to find a way to get out of going as the other child did. And I agree with others, nine is NOT young to get yourself up and dressed. I bought my son that alarm clock when he was very small, because he was a very sound sleeper and we were having a fuss every morning with me being the alarm clock. The idea of an argument with his Mickey Mouse alarm clock made him giggle.

You need to work with a counselor to figure out creative ways to help your child deal with the circumstances he has while with his mother in a positive manner. Without rancor, which I do detect in your tone when you refer to this mom, he's going to have to take responsibility for getting himself up and ready. Is there an alternative way to get to school, such as a bus?

He would actually prefer to ride the bus. Will see what I can do to help him.

I have a question for the volunteers here....

If mom signed an agreement to get the child to school on time, and she's violating it, should dad try to hold her in contempt?

You can only ask that a court hold somebody in contempt of an actual court order. A side agreement is not a court order, and can normally be terminated by either party at any time.