How to Stop Your Ex- From Delaying a Divorce

My question involves a marriage in the state of: Washington

So after a way too long bad relationship (17 years together, almost 13 married before seperating) and 2 kids (4 and 7) we've ended things, I've moved out, we've both moved on (other partners 1 for me and she's making up for lost time, I quit counting) and things looked easy... Here's the short-ish version...

We became un-fixable officially in early August 2015, I'd slept on the couch in another room(literally) for the better part of 7 years, neither of us (since she did almost 10 years ago and to my knowledge) had cheated but we're the high school sweetheart couple that just grew apart, we had nothing in common at all and would stay seperate even when home and around the kids just so we didn't argue / fight. Long story short, this should have happened a long time ago.

Jump to August, last talk, done, I move out. She's been a stay at home mom and I make good money (150k ish).

Sidebar: She's not a good stay at home mom, kids do whatever (videogame / cartoon babysitter), house never clean (company for dinner, dirty dishes in a trash bag outside until company leaves kind of not clean) and my 4 year old who is very bright wasn't potty trained, like hadn't even started... In hindsight I should have done more but with my long work hours (on the clock from a minimum of 10AM to 8PM thursday through monday) and avoiding conflict I regrettably wasn't.

Back to leaving, I'm out of the house and I offer to keep her in the house, pay for it and the utilities, as well as her car and phone as well as money monthly for living expenses and health insurance. She'd have the kids during my work week and I'd have them every Tuesday / Wednesday.

End of September she's bitching because the original offer doesn't offer her "independence" and keeps her "under my thumb." I offer that we sell the house (we have upwards of 120k equity) and in lieu of having to mess with my 401k (only about 40k) and checking / savings (not much consistently) I'd give her 70% (about 70k after realtor fees) as well as paying off her car (I even end up buying her a brand new one in November of similar remaining balance because she was bitching about her older one), pay for the house and all basic utilities until it sells as well as pay her $1000 monthly spousal support for 3 years but I would have the kids for the school week (dropped with me late sunday and she'd get them friday from school) allowing her to work, go to school or whatever independance she wanted to pursue all with around $70k cash as a starting point to get her going...

At first she hated the idea of not having the kids full time, then after a couple weeks she started leaning towards option 2 and in late October finally decided that's the route she wanted to take.

We took a few weeks to hammer out the details and filed online through Whakiakum county (a county in WA that as long as a couple is in agreement allows for filing regardless of residence and no court appearance).

Side note, I emailed her all of the prepared paperwork for review on November 13th, she met me at a neutral location with a notary to sign on november 27th and the official court stamp says "Filed" as of December 2nd.

Yet another sidebar, the house: She didn't want to move until after the holidays so we write up in the documents that the home would be on the market by 3-1-16.

Fast forward until Friday february 19th. Aside from some frustration that on her weekends with the kids they seem to constantly be staying the night at someone else's home so she can go out and the kids missing their mom due to lack of quality time with her everything goes as agreed. I call the county clerk to verify everything is set to be completed as scheduled on 3-2-16 and to my shock / anger / plenty of other words fill in the blank, I come to find out that as of 2-11-16 she has withdrawn as joinder and filed a motion to have the case moved to Pierce County where we live(d).

Now to this point (and still today) the only thing she's verbalized or fought me on is that she doesn't want to move and she's not ready even though she's had 5 days a week without the kids since Christmas without working (her first day actually was today 2/22/16).

While super pissed, I keep my cool and decide not to say anything as I haven't seen any official documentation yet. Of course later the same day I get the documents in the mail, go figure. There's nothing specific in the documents other than a motion to relocate along with the declaration, which included a bunch of generic reasons from home values to witnesses to teachers and schools. She also stated that she was pressured into filing in Wahkiakum County (emailed docs, signed at a neutral location 2 weeks later, pressured my you know what...) as well as the statement that there is a pierce county attorney waiting to take the case once transferred.

Now that I have the documentation I text her, "I got an interesting piece of mail... What's going on?" She says, "we only talk about the kids, other than that you can talk to my attorney." I say, "good enough, what's his / her name / number."

Here's the frustrating part, she refuses to tell me who this person is, the documents I received were prepared by her and "witnessed" by a friend of hers, not an attorney, Wahkiakum County has no record of an attorney and Pierce county has no records as our case is still held at Wahkiakum until either I sign the OK to move the case, or we have a hearing down there. I've asked a few times, including when she dropped the kids off last night for contact information and she just sneers and laughs, I told her I'm not signing anything until I have more information and she just snickered and said, "that's your prerogative."

I've reached out to a few recommended attorneys for a consultation but I have no information regarding what she's after. My gut is that she's bluffing and that she knows that this will drag our case out allowing her to stay in the house longer.

Meanwhile my end of the bargain is costing me over $5k a month out of pocket just for her end of things (not including my own bills or expenses for the kids) and I've run up credit cards just to live somewhat regularly with the assumption I'd pay them off when the home sells.

Above and beyond our "agreement" I pay her car insurance (partially because my name is on the car), her cell phone bill (I call the kids when they're over there) and her cable and internet just to be nice and because 2 days a week (assuming they're actually at her house) my kids use them.

I feel my only ammunition left to get her to tell me what the hell is going on is to cut those "optional" expenses off (about $400 monthly) and make her pay them but I've also been advised this would look worse in court than going above and beyond to make things as good as possible for everyone involved.

Long rant, sorry. Last thing for full disclosure, I have a new girlfriend that lives with me, (psych major, amazing, educated girl) and is involved in all of the best ways in the kids lives and they love her to death, we actually had our first swim lessons for the kids today! Also aside from 2 days we offered my ex to have the kids and she accepted (she's declined others) every day the kids have been with us, they've been with us, they're everything to us and we put them first. Between my work, her school, her work and driving over 2 hours every weekday to transport them to school (I moved about 20 minutes away from the bus stop, 40 from school and they go to different schools, the 4 year old only 2 days a week), neither of us has had a regular day off in over well over 3 months but Sunday night through thursday night is family, we make the most of the few hours a week we can dedicate to each other and have a great relationship regardless.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I have no idea what to do from here, any advice is truly appreciated!

Is there any chance at all that you can cut that way, way down? We'll be glad to try to help but we don't need War & Peace - just the CliffNotes version :)

Really kind of is the cliff notes, I'm sure some is irrelevant but it's tough to "cliff notes" a major 7 month change and "fight" in ones life...

Oy Vey. Okay, since I'm the only volunteer here who actually lives in WA, let me give it a shot for you. Hold please!

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Quoting DCoville

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My question involves a marriage in the state of: Washington

So after a way too long bad relationship (17 years together, almost 13 married before seperating) and 2 kids (4 and 7) we've ended things, I've moved out, we've both moved on (other partners 1 for me and she's making up for lost time, I quit counting) and things looked easy... Here's the short-ish version...

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So married for 12 years. Okay.

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We became un-fixable officially in early August 2015, I'd slept on the couch in another room(literally) for the better part of 7 years, neither of us (since she did almost 10 years ago and to my knowledge) had cheated but we're the high school sweetheart couple that just grew apart, we had nothing in common at all and would stay seperate even when home and around the kids just so we didn't argue / fight. Long story short, this should have happened a long time ago.

Jump to August, last talk, done, I move out. She's been a stay at home mom and I make good money (150k ish).

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You moved out August 2015. Okay. Got it.

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Sidebar: She's not a good stay at home mom, kids do whatever (videogame / cartoon babysitter), house never clean (company for dinner, dirty dishes in a trash bag outside until company leaves kind of not clean) and my 4 year old who is very bright wasn't potty trained, like hadn't even started... In hindsight I should have done more but with my long work hours (on the clock from a minimum of 10AM to 8PM thursday through monday) and avoiding conflict I regrettably wasn't.

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This part is utterly irrelevant. If you have to ask why ...

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Back to leaving, I'm out of the house and I offer to keep her in the house, pay for it and the utilities, as well as her car and phone as well as money monthly for living expenses and health insurance. She'd have the kids during my work week and I'd have them every Tuesday / Wednesday.

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You'd have them overnight, just one night per week?

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End of September she's bitching because the original offer doesn't offer her "independence" and keeps her "under my thumb." I offer that we sell the house (we have upwards of 120k equity) and in lieu of having to mess with my 401k (only about 40k) and checking / savings (not much consistently) I'd give her 70% (about 70k after realtor fees) as well as paying off her car (I even end up buying her a brand new one in November of similar remaining balance because she was bitching about her older one), pay for the house and all basic utilities until it sells as well as pay her $1000 monthly spousal support for 3 years but I would have the kids for the school week (dropped with me late sunday and she'd get them friday from school) allowing her to work, go to school or whatever independance she wanted to pursue all with around $70k cash as a starting point to get her going...

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Essentially making you the primary caregiver. Okay.

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At first she hated the idea of not having the kids full time, then after a couple weeks she started leaning towards option 2 and in late October finally decided that's the route she wanted to take.

We took a few weeks to hammer out the details and filed online through Whakiakum county (a county in WA that as long as a couple is in agreement allows for filing regardless of residence and no court appearance).

Side note, I emailed her all of the prepared paperwork for review on November 13th, she met me at a neutral location with a notary to sign on november 27th and the official court stamp says "Filed" as of December 2nd.

Yet another sidebar, the house: She didn't want to move until after the holidays so we write up in the documents that the home would be on the market by 3-1-16.

Fast forward until Friday february 19th. Aside from some frustration that on her weekends with the kids they seem to constantly be staying the night at someone else's home so she can go out and the kids missing their mom due to lack of quality time with her everything goes as agreed. I call the county clerk to verify everything is set to be completed as scheduled on 3-2-16 and to my shock / anger / plenty of other words fill in the blank, I come to find out that as of 2-11-16 she has withdrawn as joinder and filed a motion to have the case moved to Pierce County where we live(d).

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If at least one of you lives there, that would be a correct venue.

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Now to this point (and still today) the only thing she's verbalized or fought me on is that she doesn't want to move and she's not ready even though she's had 5 days a week without the kids since Christmas without working (her first day actually was today 2/22/16).

While super pissed, I keep my cool and decide not to say anything as I haven't seen any official documentation yet. Of course later the same day I get the documents in the mail, go figure. There's nothing specific in the documents other than a motion to relocate along with the declaration, which included a bunch of generic reasons from home values to witnesses to teachers and schools. She also stated that she was pressured into filing in Wahkiakum County (emailed docs, signed at a neutral location 2 weeks later, pressured my you know what...) as well as the statement that there is a pierce county attorney waiting to take the case once transferred.

Now that I have the documentation I text her, "I got an interesting piece of mail... What's going on?" She says, "we only talk about the kids, other than that you can talk to my attorney." I say, "good enough, what's his / her name / number."

Here's the frustrating part, she refuses to tell me who this person is, the documents I received were prepared by her and "witnessed" by a friend of hers, not an attorney, Wahkiakum County has no record of an attorney and Pierce county has no records as our case is still held at Wahkiakum until either I sign the OK to move the case, or we have a hearing down there. I've asked a few times, including when she dropped the kids off last night for contact information and she just sneers and laughs, I told her I'm not signing anything until I have more information and she just snickered and said, "that's your prerogative."

I've reached out to a few recommended attorneys for a consultation but I have no information regarding what she's after. My gut is that she's bluffing and that she knows that this will drag our case out allowing her to stay in the house longer.

Meanwhile my end of the bargain is costing me over $5k a month out of pocket just for her end of things (not including my own bills or expenses for the kids) and I've run up credit cards just to live somewhat regularly with the assumption I'd pay them off when the home sells.

Above and beyond our "agreement" I pay her car insurance (partially because my name is on the car), her cell phone bill (I call the kids when they're over there) and her cable and internet just to be nice and because 2 days a week (assuming they're actually at her house) my kids use them.

I feel my only ammunition left to get her to tell me what the hell is going on is to cut those "optional" expenses off (about $400 monthly) and make her pay them but I've also been advised this would look worse in court than going above and beyond to make things as good as possible for everyone involved.

Long rant, sorry. Last thing for full disclosure, I have a new girlfriend that lives with me, (psych major, amazing, educated girl) and is involved in all of the best ways in the kids lives and they love her to death, we actually had our first swim lessons for the kids today! Also aside from 2 days we offered my ex to have the kids and she accepted (she's declined others) every day the kids have been with us, they've been with us, they're everything to us and we put them first. Between my work, her school, her work and driving over 2 hours every weekday to transport them to school (I moved about 20 minutes away from the bus stop, 40 from school and they go to different schools, the 4 year old only 2 days a week), neither of us has had a regular day off in over well over 3 months but Sunday night through thursday night is family, we make the most of the few hours a week we can dedicate to each other and have a great relationship regardless.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I have no idea what to do from here, any advice is truly appreciated!

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Your girlfriend is completely and utterly irrelevant. And for the love of God do NOT include ANYTHING about your fantastic life with her, in any documents you submit.

So .. here's the thing. You have an attorney. You're in a mess because your wife clearly isn't quite ready to pull the trigger yet. What is your attorney advising you to do?

I don't have an attorney yet, until 2 "business days" ago, everything was fine and scheduled to be finalized on march second.

My girlfriend isn't on any documents (not at fault state, you're right, really irrelevant, just stating that in the 3 months we've had them full time there's been order and regularity in their lives and marked improvement in school, and other aspects of life).

Originally, august through november I had them monday night through thursday morning (or after school for the oldest) since mid december I've had them on the current schedule.

Wow, talk about frying pan to fire. Not even divorced yet but have an "amazing" new live-in girlfriend. Yikes.

Yeah, I'd definitely not bring that up in front of your wife for any reason...

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Quoting geek

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Wow, talk about frying pan to fire. Not even divorced yet but have an "amazing" new live-in girlfriend. Yikes.

Yeah, I'd definitely not bring that up in front of your wife for any reason...

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She's aware of her, hell, when one of her new boyfriends ended up in the hospital my new girlfriend grabbed the kids from her so she could go visit.

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Quoting DCoville

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She's aware of her, hell, when one of her new boyfriends ended up in the hospital my new girlfriend grabbed the kids from her so she could go visit.

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Okey doke. :cool:

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Quoting DCoville

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I don't have an attorney yet, until 2 "business days" ago, everything was fine and scheduled to be finalized on march second.

My girlfriend isn't on any documents (not at fault state, you're right, really irrelevant, just stating that in the 3 months we've had them full time there's been order and regularity in their lives and marked improvement in school, and other aspects of life).

Originally, august through november I had them monday night through thursday morning (or after school for the oldest) since mid december I've had them on the current schedule.

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Financially, you have a lot at stake and you know that you can't afford to not have an attorney. That needs to be your first priority.

In terms of custody, the current situation can greatly impact what happens in the future; the courts generally prefer keeping the status quo whenever possible when it comes to who has the kids and when, and child support will be affected by the timeshare too.

If you have any specific questions, go ahead and ask - but at this point there really isn't much we can do other than the obvious.

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Quoting geek

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Wow, talk about frying pan to fire. Not even divorced yet but have an "amazing" new live-in girlfriend. Yikes.

Yeah, I'd definitely not bring that up in front of your wife for any reason...

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And yeah, that's a valid point.

The ink isn't even wet, let alone dry, and they've all "moved on". Even Pierce County isn't that fond of extra-curriculars.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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And yeah, that's a valid point.

The ink isn't even wet, let alone dry, and they've all "moved on". Even Pierce County isn't that fond of extra-curriculars.

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I guess my biggest points are that first, my new situation is fruitful for all involved, especially the kids (everything that has happened has happened since we ended things btw) so the current time share is working, I'm not trying to modify it.

Second, how do I progress forward, she refuses to give me anything, including her alleged attorney's name or phone number, and with no information it's tough for anyone, even an attorney to recommend what to do from here...

That one is easy - and that's not me being snarky.

Give HER contact information - whatever it is, whatever it might be, wherever she might be staying - to YOUR attorney. Your stress level will decrease by several levels. Your attorney will be very familiar with unhappy, unwilling and unwitting spouses and dealing with them is exactly what you're paying them to do.

It's good that the current timeshare is working for you, because it does establish a pattern and you might also want to think about filing a temporary custody order since those are far more likely to become permanent and then everyone knows where they are and what they're meant to be doing. Ways you can help your attorney? Come up with a parenting plan - include holidays and silly things like who is responsible for pickup and drop off, and the actual time of day each period begins/ends.

If you want to see some parenting plan suggestions, deltabravo.net has some but it appears that you're doing pretty well by yourself.

Does that help at all?

Have you considered even for a second that she doesn't actually have an attorney for you to contact? That maybe she filled out and filed that paperwork on her own or used a paralegal service? It sounds like you've been very kind to her financially and gone above and beyond what is your LEGAL obligation without a court order. I'd end the gravy train. Especially if you are now the primary custodial parent. I'm betting she has a "friend" who's knows the system and is guiding her through it.

You situation had just gotten very complicated and with children involved, you have MUST have a lawyer ASAP. And I must agree, I wouldn't bring up her basket of relationship or yours. As parents, it only makes you both look like you personal needs come before the children. It doesn't matter if your relationship is AMAZING, these children are in the middle of a messy divorce and your focus as a parent should be on their needs and theirs alone at least until your divorce is final. Shacking up 7 months after a 12 year marriage is fast. Obviously mom is a loose cannon so it's up to you to give them stability, security and 100% of your focus. Are you still working those long hours? While you're at work are your kids with your GF? If yes, then it's not much different than mom pawning them off on her time. Neither of you are "parenting" so be very careful how you word anything in your court documents. She can and probably will, twist everything around.