What to Do if Your Child Wants to Stay Primarily With You Instead of Joint Custody
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Tennessee
Since she was 5 years old my daughter has been in a somewhat odd custody arrangement with her mother and I. She stays with her mother half of the week and me the other half. To avoid having to pay me child support they set things up so that her mother is responsible for my daughter's medical needs.
My daughter is now 13 and I don't even remember why this arrangement ever really made a lot of sense in all honesty, but her mother certainly doesn't handle the medical needs well at all. She always schedules things on my days then tells me when I have to take her to a doctor's office instead of asking if I will be free to do so, and trying to communicate with her has always been pointless because she just asks her husband what to do and goes with whatever he says.
It may be worth mentioning that this divorce happened after 5 years of my wife cheating on me with the man she moved out with less than 2 months after I left her over it, and that is also who she married. Of course it hurts me to have the man who broke up my marriage making all of the decisions for my daughter while there and helping to raise her as her step-father, but it is what it is...
Anyway, every time they ask for extra days with her and I agree to it, they bring her back hours or even a day late without answering my calls or texts. They take her out of school for random things on my days sometimes and tell me nothing at all until they drop her off at my door hours later, again not answering calls or texts, leaving me worried sick and on the verge of calling the police. Communication has always been so bad with them that for the last year I have made it clear we will only stick to exactly what the custody agreement says, and anything they plan to do with or for her MUST be done on their own days, not mine. They still ask me to keep her longer or let them have her longer for vacations and such, but I have been adamant that we stay with the set schedule to avoid issues. This has worked out much better.
As for what my daughter says though: She has told me for years that they all but totally ignore her over there and only seem to care about her little brother, the child they had together. I believe my daughter but wouldn't just act on the word of a 13 year old. However, this has been proven time and time again as they have tried to put my daughter in a terrible rated school just because it was within walking distance to their home. They get her to school late or not at all often because they just don't bother to wake up, and they put their son in a special private school that is a good drive from their home. I could go on with examples, but best not to write a book here. The point is, she feels she isn't important to them there and never has been. She has been asking me for months "Since around August last year" to let her stay with me primarily and have planned visits with her mother (weekends, summer breaks, whatever).
For months I said no because I figured it was just a phase. I told her that if she wants that, she should tell her mother. I also called her mother when she first asked and her mom said she would respect whatever our daughter wanted to do as far as where she stayed primarily. That was a lie...
My daughter says she has told her mother she wants to stay with her dad every week since then but they always either ignore it or get angry and tell her "When you turn 18 you can make that choice!" So for the last few months my daughter has asked me to take this to court. More specifically, she asked why I can't make them let her stay with me and I explained that it'd likely take lawyers, lots of money, and court, and she has repeatedly asked me to "Do the court thing".
I have always taken pride in being a good dad. My ex even stated in court during the divorce that I was a great father. My daughter is also my best friend, interested in (and talented in) the same things as me, such as various types of art, fantasy and science fiction, and we have the same type of general humor and behavior, greatly different from her mother who she was nearly as close with. She says that at her mom's, when she isn't locked in her room she is made to watch football or play in the back yard with her little brother as the babysitter so her mom and step-dad can play online games together for hours.
I definitely get why she wants to stay with me. I can see how this 50/50 week to week split isn't very stable for her life and upbringing. She loves spending time with me and her 2 younger sisters here at my place and gets very sad when it is time to go back to her mom's. I want to help her and she has pleaded with me about this for long enough that I feel it should be taken seriously. Can I do anything?
Big thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and try to help me with information.
Re: My 13 Year Old Has Asked for Months to Stay Primarily with Me. Can I Do Anything
Dad, you really should not have given your daughter any hope at all about it. Unfortunately, once 50/50 is in place its nearly impossible to change that without a serious change in circumstances, and you just don't have that.
The only thing that might possibly give you some shred of a chance is if she is late to school enough on mom's time to cause truancy issues.
Re: What to Do if Your Child Wants to Stay Primarily With You Instead of Joint Custod
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TJW
I definitely get why she wants to stay with me. I can see how this 50/50 week to week split isn't very stable for her life and upbringing. She loves spending time with me and her 2 younger sisters here at my place and gets very sad when it is time to go back to her mom's. I want to help her and she has pleaded with me about this for long enough that I feel it should be taken seriously. Can I do anything?
If you were honest with yourself, you'd admit that you are encouraging these ideas to play your daughter against her mother. You should have nipped this in the bud long ago.
You need to say to your child "Sweetie, your a minor, you have no say in this arrangement that has been mandated by the court and neither do I. So just do what you are told and learn to live with it. You're need to accept the fact that you have to live with rules that you might not like. That's life. Get used to it."
Re: My 13 Year Old Has Asked for Months to Stay Primarily with Me. Can I Do Anything
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llworking
Dad, you really should not have given your daughter any hope at all about it. Unfortunately, once 50/50 is in place its nearly impossible to change that without a serious change in circumstances, and you just don't have that.
The only thing that might possibly give you some shred of a chance is if she is late to school enough on mom's time to cause truancy issues.
Seems like you're assuming I'm lying. As I said, I have said no for months about doing anything to change this situation. I already spoke with her mother about it and although she said she'd let my daughter stay with whoever she wants, she didn't. Almost every week my daughter tells me how much she hates it there and how much she hates having to go from one house to the other each week.
I didn't tell her we are going to fix this once and for all, or install false hope in her. I came here to ask if there was some option I maybe didn't know about.
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adjusterjack
If you were honest with yourself, you'd admit that you are encouraging these ideas to play your daughter against her mother. You should have nipped this in the bud long ago.
You need to say to your child "Sweetie, your a minor, you have no say in this arrangement that has been mandated by the court and neither do I. So just do what you are told and learn to live with it. You're need to accept the fact that you have to live with rules that you might not like. That's life. Get used to it."
I think you're making assumptions, because the closest I've come to encouraging her is telling her that if she wanted to stay with her mom I'd let her because I'm not going to make her stay with me if she doesn't want too, and I can see how the weekly swap would be tough. Aside from that I HAVE actually told her the arrangement is what it is, and all she can do is tell her mom this stuff instead of me because I don't think I can do anything about it.
Just shutting her down as you suggest seems really cold. She knows life can suck at times and that there are rules that have to be followed. Doesn't mean she shouldn't try to change situations she is unhappy with or feels are unfair. Its not like she's asking if she can start stealing and maybe try drugs or prostitution.
Of course I appreciate that she feels this way but I also get what she's saying and don't blame her for wishing she could change it. I sure haven't tried to mislead her.
Re: What to Do if Your Child Wants to Stay Primarily With You Instead of Joint Custod
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TJW
I want to help her and she has pleaded with me about this for long enough that I feel it should be taken seriously. Can I do anything?
Yes. Meet with a family law attorney to review all the details of the present situation for advice on your chances to modify custody. Since the present orders were put in place when she was five years old and she is now 13 the arrangement that might have been suitable back then might not be suitable now. I disagree with the previous response that said nothing has changed. At least one thing has changed: the kid is a lot older now, and older kids have different needs than younger ones. Whether that alone would be enough to get a change in the custody arrangement and what kind of alteration the court might consider are things that no one here could tell you since it requires knowing all the circumstances in both homes and how the judges in the court that has jurisdiction tend to look at those sorts of situations. We simply do not have nearly enough information to determine that.
Re: My 13 Year Old Has Asked for Months to Stay Primarily with Me. Can I Do Anything
a couple things I noticed:
you complained about the ex and her husband sending their child to some special private school. You seemed upset by this. Have you spoken to them and offered to pay half of your child's tuition to go to the special private school?
You also mention your daughter is ignored at her mother's house. I'm not sure what you are expecting but it is her home (half the time) she lives there (half the time) She should not expect her mother to entertain her own child in her own home. When kids grow up, especially as they get older, they find things to do. Heck, most kids her age tend to spend more times with friends than their own family. Is she isolating herself in her own home?
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Aside from that I HAVE actually told her the arrangement is what it is, and all she can do is tell her mom this stuff instead of me because I don't think I can do anything about it.
that is not what you said in your original post. You made it sound that it surely could be changed. In one breath it appears you gave your daughter hope and in the next dashed those hopes on the rocks.
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More specifically, she asked why I can't make them let her stay with me and I explained that it'd likely take lawyers, lots of money, and court, and she has repeatedly asked me to "Do the court thing".
It may not have been your intent but the those two statements of yours are directly opposed to each other. One says yes this can be done. The other says no it can't.
Not saying everything is perfect and especially since your daughter is your best friend , it appears you have allowed your relationship with your daughter to become that of friends rather than parent child. Then, when she goes to her mother's where the parent child relationship remains intact she isn't happy because her favorite friend isn't there.
It sounds like you make it so she doesn't have to develop friendships with kids her age but at her mother's, if she doesn't develop those friendships she is alone. Of course she wants to be with you; your her best friend and that is probably not the best thing for her. She needs to develop outside interests and friends along with enjoying her time with her dad.
I think you want to help your friend rather than your daughter.
Re: What to Do if Your Child Wants to Stay Primarily With You Instead of Joint Custod
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Taxing Matters
Yes. Meet with a family law attorney to review all the details of the present situation for advice on your chances to modify custody. Since the present orders were put in place when she was five years old and she is now 13 the arrangement that might have been suitable back then might not be suitable now. I disagree with the previous response that said nothing has changed. At least one thing has changed: the kid is a lot older now, and older kids have different needs than younger ones. Whether that alone would be enough to get a change in the custody arrangement and what kind of alteration the court might consider are things that no one here could tell you since it requires knowing all the circumstances in both homes and how the judges in the court that has jurisdiction tend to look at those sorts of situations. We simply do not have nearly enough information to determine that.
That is what I was hoping for, or that maybe there was an age where she could choose, but I wouldn't tell her anything at all to give her any hope until I know for sure, much less drag her and both of our families through a bunch of mess and expenses unless it was a fairly sure thing it would result in my daughter getting to change the situation she is unhappy with.
I honestly hate hearing her come back every week and tell me this stuff because it brings up bad feelings and memories I'd rather leave behind. I don't want the drama but it seems wrong to just blow it off for months and months when it seems to be a real concern for my child.
Also 7 witnesses went to court with me ready to testify about my ex being an unfit mother including 2 apartment managers and a maintenance lady who had to bring my 4 year old daughter home when they found literally playing in the street while I was at work, only to find our apartment door wide open and my wife drunk playing a game online with her boyfriend, and 2 of her friends who lost all respect for her for similar reasons. I don't know how much my ex wife has changed if any, but I do believe my daughter is in better hands here than there.
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jk
you complained about the ex and her husband sending their child to some special private school. You seemed upset by this. Have you spoken to them and offered to pay half of your child's tuition to go to the special private school?
No I did not offer to pay for my daughter to be treated the same way as their son, as though she is just as important. My wife and I treat all 3 of our children equally as our loved children though so hearing that at the other house their convenience at my daughter's expense is more important than her education does bother me. And again, it is one example out of many.
I will admit my daughter is a bit clingy and always has been. She wants to be around my wife and I almost all the time whenever it is an option, though she does have her own hobbies and spends time with her 2 younger sisters here too. Her sisters are 3 and 5 though, so I can understand her preference to spend time with her parents.
Um, no, in my OP I certainly did not say I told my daughter we could change her situation, then told her she couldn't.
I have been telling my daughter this is something she will have to take up with her mother but after months of her complaints she asked if we could somehow make them let her stay with me, and I told her if it was even possible it'd take money, lawyers, and court that are not fun to deal with. She said "lets do the court thing" and has said that a few times since.
Kind of feeling more like you would rather judge me and find fault in my words than attempt to be helpful here.
What I mean about my daughter being my best friend is that with how her mother was before and during the divorce there was a time when it felt like her and I vs the world. She doesn't have many friends at school and none that live near enough to visit. Her only 2 friends that live on our street are only here occasionally because of having their own custody situation to go back and forth from. As a dad that works at home and has 3 kids my kids are a huge part of my life. My oldest is the one who is interested in saying up late Friday nights to watch shows and movies with me like Star Trek, which I hope to enjoy with my other 2 when they are old enough to get into those things, if they even choose to.
I didn't say I drop being a parent and all discipline goes out the window in exchange for being my kid's best friend.