Disputing a Spouse's Claim That She is the Primary Caregiver in a Custody Case
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Maryland
Hi,
A 15 year marriage has its issues but we were basically "fine" except not talking about our lives much (grew apart). Have a 3.5 year old boy. I am primary caregiver (I'm male), run the household (she refuses to do much - one reason we grew apart - I resent that), and until 6 months ago was primary breadwinner. She was $10-15k behind me but is now ahead by $15k after a lucky break job offer (we're in six figures each).
We agreed on a second child, caveat being she'll quit after maternity leave ends. She got pregnant in November. In December, sudden depression overwhelmed her and she announced she'll see a therapist. I thought that was a good sign. Days after her first visit, she told me she's never kissing me again or sleeping in our bed again. After the second visit, she told me we're separating, she's moving out, and she badly resents me without a cited reason (it was galling after all I've done for her). I went to the third visit yesterday and got ambushed.
She announced her intention to take our son with her M-F and made it clear she's going to lie outrageously about her supposedly being the primary care giver, for one. I was shocked but am now glad she's "tipped her hand" that she's going to lie so badly, because I'm hoping that her lying to the courts, when it comes to that, will work in my favor. I refused her suggested custody arrangement and wouldn't agree to anything despite pressure from her therapist to do so.
So here are my questions:
1. Does she have the ability to simply take my son when she moves out or does she need a court order first?
2. She never wanted kids and is notorious for not wanting much to do with our son, one reason I'm astonished she's trying to to take him (I assume it's a dig at me). I could call tons of witnesses to back this up (some have already volunteered). Does this matter, and if so, when? During separation? Not until divorce?
3. She is financially irresponsible, such as giving away a $10,000 horse we both owned behind my back years ago and hiding it for another two weeks. Can such things be used against her as proof she's less fit (not as a parent, but in general)? If so, when?
4. The lying - can it be used against her in any way, if I can prove she's lying about various things, including:
a. how much physical time we spend with our son (it's in my favor by a landslide and in theory it's provable that she's at work until 7-9pm most nights while I'm with our son from 4pm to bedtime)
b. she's claiming she runs the house when I do almost everything (laundry, cooking, bills, shopping, the list goes on and on). I think this does matter because she's chronically tired and claims this is why she can't do stuff, and if she can't handle being a parent when I'm there doing most things, how can she manage on her own?
5. Can I use the fact that she's in therapy against her?
6. We have IP cameras in the house for watching our son. They can be set to record with or without motion-detection. Can I start recording without her permission? I want proof of who's doing what with him (me) and that she sits there ignoring him. I also want to protect against her making any claims of abuse against me, not because she has, but out of paranoia (see below)
To be honest, I'm quite concerned that her emotional state has led to a delusional mental state (the lies are really out there) and that this might make her dangerous to herself, the unborn baby, or our son, but since she hasn't done anything bad, I can't do much, can I?
I can also tell that she believes her lies and is quite convincing to her shrink, who enabled her instead of confronted her about anything - because my wife presents herself as reasonable. Only by knowing the truth can you tell she's lying. I wish I could force her to another shrink of our choosing, with me attending, because I don't think that one is fair to me. I'm also curious what the shrink's been saying to her that, after two visits, my wife is leaving.
I just ordered a paternity test for my son and I to take. I'll be calling her OBYGN to get one done at her next visit the the baby, due in August. I would actually love to learn the baby isn't mine and my son is, because I can divorce now, not after a year of separation, and because I'm certain this marriage is over - and I'll never have custody of the baby I wanted and she never did.
I'm quite shocked by much of this and realize my wife if going for my jugular and will stop at nothing, so I'm in full paranoia mode and looking for ways to protect myself, my son, and the baby. My hands started shaking while writing this. Please help me with some guidance.
Last question - what kinds of questions should I be asking prospective lawyers next week when I start interviewing them?
Thanks.
Re: Pregnant Wife Leaving, Trying to Take Child, Lying About Being Primary Care Giver
Wow. Just....wow. I can see why the marriage fell apart.
Re: Pregnant Wife Leaving, Trying to Take Child, Lying About Being Primary Care Giver
You are not getting a prenatal paternity test. The accurate ones are too invasive and dangerous for the baby unless amino is needed anyway. The non-invasive one is notoriously unreliable.
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So here are my questions:
1. Does she have the ability to simply take my son when she moves out or does she need a court order first?
She has just as much right as you do to have the child with her, so no, she does not need a court order.
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2. She never wanted kids and is notorious for not wanting much to do with our son, one reason I'm astonished she's trying to to take him (I assume it's a dig at me). I could call tons of witnesses to back this up (some have already volunteered). Does this matter, and if so, when? During separation? Not until divorce?
It matters when you are in front of the judge for a custody hearing.
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3. She is financially irresponsible, such as giving away a $10,000 horse we both owned behind my back years ago and hiding it for another two weeks. Can such things be used against her as proof she's less fit (not as a parent, but in general)? If so, when?
Totally and completely irrelevant.
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4. The lying - can it be used against her in any way, if I can prove she's lying about various things, including:
a. how much physical time we spend with our son (it's in my favor by a landslide and in theory it's provable that she's at work until 7-9pm most nights while I'm with our son from 4pm to bedtime)
b. she's claiming she runs the house when I do almost everything (laundry, cooking, bills, shopping, the list goes on and on). I think this does matter because she's chronically tired and claims this is why she can't do stuff, and if she can't handle being a parent when I'm there doing most things, how can she manage on her own?
The only thing that matters is proving who is the primary caretaker for the child.
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5. Can I use the fact that she's in therapy against her?
Absolutely not and you would get reamed by the judge for even trying.
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6. We have IP cameras in the house for watching our son. They can be set to record with or without motion-detection. Can I start recording without her permission? I want proof of who's doing what with him (me) and that she sits there ignoring him. I also want to protect against her making any claims of abuse against me, not because she has, but out of paranoia (see below)
No, you cannot do that. People have an expectation of privacy in their own home.
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To be honest, I'm quite concerned that her emotional state has led to a delusional mental state (the lies are really out there) and that this might make her dangerous to herself, the unborn baby, or our son, but since she hasn't done anything bad, I can't do much, can I?
No, there is nothing you can do.
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I can also tell that she believes her lies and is quite convincing to her shrink, who enabled her instead of confronted her about anything - because my wife presents herself as reasonable. Only by knowing the truth can you tell she's lying. I wish I could force her to another shrink of our choosing, with me attending, because I don't think that one is fair to me. I'm also curious what the shrink's been saying to her that, after two visits, my wife is leaving.
Do not ever say anything like that to anybody else, ever, again. It makes you look a super jerk.
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I just ordered a paternity test for my son and I to take. I'll be calling her OBYGN to get one done at her next visit the the baby, due in August. I would actually love to learn the baby isn't mine and my son is, because I can divorce now, not after a year of separation, and because I'm certain this marriage is over - and I'll never have custody of the baby I wanted and she never did.
Home paternity tests are worthless in court.
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I'm quite shocked by much of this and realize my wife if going for my jugular and will stop at nothing, so I'm in full paranoia mode and looking for ways to protect myself, my son, and the baby. My hands started shaking while writing this. Please help me with some guidance.
You need an attorney to protect you from your own paranoia...because its making you irrational.
Re: Pregnant Wife Leaving, Trying to Take Child, Lying About Being Primary Care Giver
Wow, you call me a super jerk and irrational. And with all I have going on, you think I need to be personally attacked, too. Kick anyone else while they're down today?
Re: Pregnant Wife Leaving, Trying to Take Child, Lying About Being Primary Care Giver
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Quoting
geminirand
Wow, you call me a super jerk and irrational. And with all I have going on, you think I need to be personally attacked, too. Kick anyone else while they're down today?
I said it makes you LOOK like a super jerk...and if you cannot see that your paranoia is making you irrational, then that is even more of a reason why you need an attorney.
Re: Pregnant Wife Leaving, Trying to Take Child, Lying About Being Primary Care Giver
Let me explain something.
No way, no how, are you EVER going to be able to tell your WIFE'S OBGYN to perform any tests. What in the world are you thinking?!
Re: Pregnant Wife Leaving, Trying to Take Child, Lying About Being Primary Care Giver
What I am thinking is that a routine DNA test is already being done (I don't know how they did it but I believe it was via the mother's blood) to test for genetic issues and it can probably be used to test my DNA against when I give a sample for comparison. Why are you so outraged? This is perfectly RATIONAL. Oh wait, because you decided I was going to FORCE my wife's OBGYN to perform tests without her consent. You guys are the ones being irrational. For God's sake.
Why don't you people calm down and get off your high horses?
Actually I don't care. I'm not coming back to read anymore high and mighty preaching.
Re: Pregnant Wife Leaving, Trying to Take Child, Lying About Being Primary Care Giver
Quote:
Quoting
geminirand
What I am thinking is that a routine DNA test is already being done (I don't know how they did it but I believe it was via the mother's blood) to test for genetic issues and it can probably be used to test my DNA against when I give a sample for comparison. Why are you so outraged? This is perfectly RATIONAL. Oh wait, because you decided I was going to FORCE my wife's OBGYN to perform tests without her consent. You guys are the ones being irrational. For God's sake.
Why don't you people calm down and get off your high horses?
Actually I don't care. I'm not coming back to read anymore high and mighty preaching.
We have only your words, my dear. If they are inadequately representing you, then choose better words.
Re: Pregnant Wife Leaving, Trying to Take Child, Lying About Being Primary Care Giver
Again, I can see why the marriage failed.
Re: Pregnant Wife Leaving, Trying to Take Child, Lying About Being Primary Care Giver
Quote:
Quoting
geminirand
What I am thinking is that a routine DNA test is already being done (I don't know how they did it but I believe it was via the mother's blood) to test for genetic issues and it can probably be used to test my DNA against when I give a sample for comparison. Why are you so outraged? This is perfectly RATIONAL. Oh wait, because you decided I was going to FORCE my wife's OBGYN to perform tests without her consent. You guys are the ones being irrational. For God's sake.
Why don't you people calm down and get off your high horses?
Actually I don't care. I'm not coming back to read anymore high and mighty preaching.
You cannot call her OBGYN for anything at all. You cannot arrange it or ask for it. Her OBGYN would tell you that himself. If you can convince HER to ask her OBGYN to perform the test and provide you the results, the OBGYN can do that. However, once again, you cannot independently communicate with any medical provider of your wife's. It would be a violation of federal law...and again, those non-invasive prenatal tests are notoriously unreliable.