Can a Victim Ask for Leniency in a Domestic Violence Case

My question involves criminal law for the state of: Wyoming

My husband along with our 2 teenage children and in laws went to a New Years bash at a hotel. We are already on the verge of divorce because he has a drinking problem. He is absolutely a wonderful man when not drinking, but when he drinks he is irrational and yells a lot. He has 3 DUIs (the 3rd was received while on probation for the 2nd), is on probation (which is over in a month and half) he completed all of the rehab and classes that were ordered, but relapsed. During the evening, he was drinking and started an argument with me. I told him I was leaving and taking my daughter home as well because she had a headache anyway. Since he was being a jerk, I asked his mother to be in the room why I gathered my things. Once she was in the room she started blaming me for provoking him, and tried to push me out of the room telling me to leave. I was leaving and I was just getting my stuff and daughter. She just kept telling me to leave and pushing me toward the door. She had a hold of my arm and I leaned into her and told her to let go of me.

At this moment, my husband in his drunken state thought I was hurting his mom and flew across the room grabbed my face and threw me on the bed and held me down, yelling at me not to touch his mother. They pulled him off of me, I grabbed my daughter and my stuff and rushed out and went home. Although he didn't really hurt me, it scared my daughter, and after 2 hours and listing pros and con's, I decided to call the police and file a report. I needed to show my daughter that it is not OK for someone to lay their hands on you. After he took mine & my daughter's statement he would track down the mother in law & husband and take their statements and turn it in to the DA to see if there was enough evidence to charge. I don't know about my mother in law, but my husband hasn't been questioned after 3 days.

He doesn't remember any of it, and doesn't understand what is going on, only that he drank and is in trouble again. He is remorseful and wants to go back into treatment. We are separated and will remain that way, however...I don't work and with him in jail I will not have child support. He has wants to get help, and that is really all I want. If it takes something like this to get him sober than so be it. I do feel he is mostly a good man. He is usually very loving and hard working. He doesn't hit me (he does yell when he is drunk and I usually leave) I feel like his mother being present made it worse. I know it was his actions, but I do not think he deserves a heavy jail sentence, he needs therapy, anger management, and medication for depression(in my opinion). There were no marks present to prove I was hit, just the statements, I know it is out of my hands now.

My question is what is the best plan of action that he can take for leniency? I understand he deserves consequences, and it is up to the judge, but how should this be handled as far as legal? Should he report himself to his PO first thing Monday? Should he deny? He doesn't even remember. He is going to AA today. Would I make matters worse or better to speak to the DA and tell him that I no longer want to pursue the domestic charges if he is getting help with his alcoholism? That is ultimately all I want. He has no money for a lawyer without using our mortgage payment. There is no proof of him drinking other than the word of myself and his mother.

This is not an isolated incident. YOU cannot affect a change in his behavior now any more than you could when it happened before. Understand that you have no say in whether or not charges are pursued, and in DV cases prosecutors expect the victim to backpedal as they do in 75% of such cases.

What your husband should do is up to him. YOU would be well advised to get yourself and your children away from him. Now! Clearly he is violent and dangerous when he drinks, and he drinks A LOT! Since you have not been able to control his drinking or his actions in the past, it is logical to assume that you will not be able to do so going forward with any greater success than you have in the past.

I would strongly recommend you contact a local domestic violence support group or organization today or tomorrow and get some assistance and counseling. You need to cease enabling both his addiction and his violence and stand up to protect yourself and your children.

So you want your daughter to know that it's no OK for someone to put their hands on you. What kind of message are you sending to your daughter if you let him off the hook. He knows he can't drink, he knows he loses control, he knows he can't remember and he is still drinking. When someone is an alcholic they can't drink period. The fact that it was New Years Ever, Do Not Mean that it was ok for him to drink. Him doing what he did because he may have thought you were hurting his mother, you think makes everything ok ? Next time there may be a gun and you or your daughter or both of you could end up dead. And don't say he doesn't have a gun or he doesn't like guns. You have no way of knowing what he will and won't do when he is drinking and neither does he. You trying to make it easy on him is not what is best for him, your daughter, you or the rest of the family. Obvioulsy he hasn't gotten the help that he needs are he wouldn't have been drinking. You need to get counseling and find out why you think you and your daughter don't deserve better. You also need to get a job so he doesn't think that he can control you when it looks like he may not be able to pay his child support. You also need to get a job so you can be independent and give your daughter a Mom she can look up to. How old is your daughter ?

The DA doesn't need you to pursue it in order for him to.

Whose idea was it to go to the New Year's party, knowing that Dad needed to abstain from alcohol?

Can the victim ask? She can ASK for anything she likes.

Is such a request binding? Not even remotely.

There is no need to assume this violence has happened before, it hasn't. I already understand getting away from him and doing what I need to for my daughter. And there is no need to assume he drinks a lot. He actually just relapsed recently. He has moved out of our home, and I am looking into divorce. I don't think he should get off the hook, but him in jail with a heavy sentence when he has turned his life around up until this moment. You don't know him and he is not like this all of the time. Also, instead of being judgemental, understand that people with addictions are still people, and deserve love and compassion as well. He wants to get help. Nobody is perfect, and people can change. I simply wanted to know if anything I could do so he got more time in rehab rather than jail.

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Quoting Melanee

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There is no need to assume this violence has happened before, it hasn't. I already understand getting away from him and doing what I need to for my daughter. And there is no need to assume he drinks a lot. He actually just relapsed recently. He has moved out of our home, and I am looking into divorce. I don't think he should get off the hook, but him in jail with a heavy sentence when he has turned his life around up until this moment. You don't know him and he is not like this all of the time. Also, instead of being judgemental, understand that people with addictions are still people, and deserve love and compassion as well. He wants to get help. Nobody is perfect, and people can change. I simply wanted to know if anything I could do so he got more time in rehab rather than jail.

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You are really, truly in denial about his drinking, aren't you? Multiple DUIs, drinking while on probation, and now this, but hey, he's really not a drunk. Okie doke.

I recommend you worry less about him, and worry more about yourself and your child. I recommend counseling, and you should look into Al-Anon groups as well. The fact that you seem more worried about your husband, who is grown, than your child is disturbing.

Signed, Geek- a person who grew up with an alcoholic parent.

It will be up to the Judge. You need to look into Al-Anon in your area and go to at least a few meetings. You need to understand about alcoholism. He is responsible when he takes a drink and he is also responsible for his actions when he is drinking.

What is disturbing to me is I thought was a legal forum. I thought there was legal advice given here. Counseling is already part of our daily lives. AA & Alanon are already part of our lives. I thought this was a place to get legal advice. I am not in denial, I understand he is an alcoholic, and I understand he relapsed. I am worried about my daughter and myself. If you think that I'm not taking steps to heal my entire family, then I don't need your advice. I came here because it is Expert Law, I thought it was advice on legal questions. This incident happened after a year of sobriety. The way I see it is whether I'm with him or not. He is still my friend. He isn't a bad person. Yes he has a drinking problem, and he relapsed and recognizes it. I don't need advice on counseling and all if the other areas that I am already taking care of, I wanted legal advice. I am able to care about more than one person at a time.

The obvious answer to your question is "Yes". You can ask for whatever you choose to ask for. Whether the prosecutor or court is receptive to your requests is going to be up to them.

If you don't like the fact that there are opinionated people on the Internet, I suggest staying off the Internet -- in my browsing, I find few other types.

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Quoting Melanee

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What is disturbing to me is I thought was a legal forum. I thought there was legal advice given here. Counseling is already part of our daily lives. AA & Alanon are already part of our lives. I thought this was a place to get legal advice. I am not in denial, I understand he is an alcoholic, and I understand he relapsed. I am worried about my daughter and myself. If you think that I'm not taking steps to heal my entire family, then I don't need your advice. I came here because it is Expert Law, I thought it was advice on legal questions. This incident happened after a year of sobriety. The way I see it is whether I'm with him or not. He is still my friend. He isn't a bad person. Yes he has a drinking problem, and he relapsed and recognizes it. I don't need advice on counseling and all if the other areas that I am already taking care of, I wanted legal advice. I am able to care about more than one person at a time.

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Well, then find a way to pay for an attorney for him. He needs one. This is not a do-it-yourself project.

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Quoting Melanee

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What is disturbing to me is I thought was a legal forum. I thought there was legal advice given here.

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Part of any proper legal response will include information to protect the victim and family members from continued harm. In fact, laws in all 50 states tend to mandate such a response from the police and supporting services to one degree or another!

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Counseling is already part of our daily lives. AA & Alanon are already part of our lives.

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Apparently your husband has not taken the counseling to heart as evidenced not only by his continued actions, but by his most recent foul-up.

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I thought this was a place to get legal advice. I am not in denial, I understand he is an alcoholic, and I understand he relapsed.

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You are minimizing his illness and the consequences it has on you and upon your family. That is denial. it is also what we refer to as "enabling" behavior. Until he faces REAL consequences of his actions (your leaving or booting him out, the kids being removed from his presence, jail, fines and other real consequences) he will continue to behave poorly and will go through the motions. I strongly suspect that he attends counseling or classes because he has to. Or, he does it because he feels he must in order to appease you ... or both. I also strongly suspect that he tells family, friends, or maybe even you, that he really doesn't need the counseling because he can control it, but he does it because it makes others around him feel better. When you minimize his actions, you are in denial of them.

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I am worried about my daughter and myself. If you think that I'm not taking steps to heal my entire family, then I don't need your advice.

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Nothing you have stated here indicates that you HAVE taken steps to protect yourself. This sounds as if this is yet one more in a long line of dysfunctional and destructive actions on his part.

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I came here because it is Expert Law, I thought it was advice on legal questions.

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Here's another legal tidbit - if, after a DV incident, you fail to protect your kids by permitting them to be exposed to your abuser, YOU can face criminal charges or potentially lose custody of the children (temporarily), so you had best consider how best to protect them ... and that should NOT include staying under the same roof for the time being.

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This incident happened after a year of sobriety.

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I strongly doubt that ... really. I know a great many alcoholics, and am a friend of Bill W. myself. I doubt that if he had truly been in recovery and sober that this relapse would have happened to this degree. MAYBE he was and then chose to fall off that wagon. But, I doubt it. I strongly suspect that he was hiding a number of such incidents, or, you were overlooking them. But, even if it WAS one incident after one year, you should not be so dismissive of it.

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The way I see it is whether I'm with him or not. He is still my friend. He isn't a bad person. Yes he has a drinking problem, and he relapsed and recognizes it.

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They ALL say that! Abusers AND alcoholics! Next will come the "honeymoon phase" where he will apologize, he will be attentive and loving, he will lavish the family with love, concern, fine words and promises, and even shower everyone with gifts ... and, then, things will go back to the way they were, and often times will get even worse. I have seen this see-saw a thousand times or more.

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I don't need advice on counseling and all if the other areas that I am already taking care of, I wanted legal advice. I am able to care about more than one person at a time.

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Then care for yourself and your children, first. You can best help him by seeing that his action shave consequences and not by apologizing for him or to him and seeking to mitigate any legal or civil consequences of his bad acts.

Melanee, listen please.

The answer to the question you have ASKED is yes. You may ask for leniency. However, the DA is not bound by your request. Just because you ask, does not mean it will happen.

I think the question you want to ask is, what steps can I take to ensure that he receives leniency. The LEGAL answer to that is, not a darned thing. It is not up to you and it is not in your hands.

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Quoting cbg

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Melanee, listen please.

The answer to the question you have ASKED is yes. You may ask for leniency. However, the DA is not bound by your request. Just because you ask, does not mean it will happen.

I think the question you want to ask is, what steps can I take to ensure that he receives leniency. The LEGAL answer to that is, not a darned thing. It is not up to you and it is not in your hands.

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This, to the letter.

Alanon helped me when my ex went through drug addiction that eventually ended up with us splitting. I can't recommend enough the advice CBG has given, and the guidance Alanon gives as well. Please find a sponsor, as they can make all the difference in the world while you and your kid are going through this.