What to Do About a Child's Meltdowns at Visitation

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Georgia

My daughter is almost 3. She has been going for visitation with her biological father for a little over a year now. In June 2015 she went for her first week long visit. When she came home she was completely different. Very clingy, and skittish. When it came time to go anywhere she would have these "meltdowns" screaming, crying, fighting back. Sometimes to the point of making herself physically sick. I petitioned the court to rehear our case. When the judge agreed we had a new court date. I plead my case. He saw the videos. Heard from my daughter's psychologist. And at the end of the day decided that it was my fault that she was having the meltdowns and awarded her biological father physical custody giving me visitation. How do you explain that to a three year old?
I just got my first visitation with her since the custody change and I can already see the difference in her personality. She is having outbursts. Meltdowns over the smallest things. Doesn't trust me at all. She goes back tonight. I'm afraid that this is going to cause long term issues for her (she suffers from adjustment anxiety disorder ). Everyone says just wait until you have a change in circumstance and then petition the court for a change in modification. That's going to take to long. Does any one have any advice on the matter? Is there a different option??

Separation anxiety is exceedingly common in children of that age.

Are we to assume that instead of encouraging her to spend time with her father so that she could get over what is a common issue with children, instead you fed the anxiety to the point of going to court to try to reduce or eliminate visitation? And it backfired on you?

That you have already labeled your daughter, who is not even three yet, as "suffering from adjustment anxiety disorder" is something I find a bit alarming. There's not the slightest doubt that being at her father's is what has caused all this. And it has to be fixed RIGHT NOW. That's certainly all or nothing thinking, and your anxieties are being transmitted directly to your child, it sounds like she's picking right up on your message.

So in June of this year when she was six months younger than now, which would make her about two and a month or so, she went for a first week long visit with her father. When she came home, she was having these meltdowns. So you promptly took him back to court. I assume this was done on the advice of your child's psychologist whom you mention. The goal was to what? Eliminate visitation for the child's father? Give him less visits? Make it supervised? A week long first visit does seem pretty long in duration. What did you ask for?

The judge reheard your case, he saw the video (I assume it's of her having meltdowns) he heard from the psychologist, he heard from you, he heard from the bio father. And at the end of the day, he awarded physical custody to the father. Hmm.

"How do you explain that to a three year old?" Well, for one thing, a three year old is far too young to understand a whole lot except a lot of uncomplicated verbal and physical reassurance that the world is still good and that they will be just fine. Is that what you were telling her? I hope we didn't go into a whole lot of how the wicked judge sent you to live with your wicked daddy, etc. What you need to be doing right now is helping her adjust to this new situation in every way you possibly can.

I don't know what the judge saw or heard that caused the decision he made. But you do need to wait for a change in circumstances and then you can of course petition the court for a change. What are your circumstances at the present time that perhaps influenced the decision to grant physical custody to the father? Perhaps you could be working on getting yourself in a better situation if this is necessary.

I would suggest you also should be seeing a psychologist or therapist of some type yourself, so that you will have better parenting skills and coping skills with which to help your daughter during the time you do have to spend with her. Not saying yours were defective in the first place, but we can all use a little support and some good suggestions by a professional now and then. And this will play very well in a new custody hearing.

3 year olds are difficult. That's their main job in life. They get tired, cranky, clingy, whiny, happy, giggly, funny, angelic and monstrous over the space of ... about 3 minutes, and are utterly unpredictable little cauldrons of emotional chaos.

Before I go further, I have a question. What was the video evidence you provided?

The first choice was not to go back to court. I got her in with a psychologist to see if they could help her cope. I tried several times to work things out with him. The psychologist that she sees suggested that it might be the overnights causing the issue. That she just might not be ready to be away from mommy at night. So I tried several times to explain what was going on and tried several times to get him to work with me on the visitation schedule. To do something where he was still getting her for the same amount of time just not overnight. It was after he flat out refused that I decided to take it to court. I petitioned the court for a change in visitation, the same that I had asked him to do outside of getting a judge involved.

He had changes in circumstances. He had just gotten married to a woman that has two kids of her own and just got a new rental house. The judge said that since there were other children in the house there and my husband and I live with family- that his house was a better environment.

I have not even mentioned to her about a judge. She doesn't know what that is. I have tried several times to explain that she will be spending more time with her dad. But when she calls me telling me she wants me to come get her it's hard to explain why I can't.

I have already started doing things to prove change in circumstance. I was just trying to find out if there was any other options besides a modification.

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The video evidence was videos of the meltdowns she has every time it is time for her to go for visitation.

I think you're going to end up in a whole lot of hurt if you don't adjust your mindset.

You took videos of your child having melt-downs before she was about to see her father. Why would you do that? Do you not see how a judge might frown on that? You filmed her having a tantrum ... instead of calming her down? Multiple times? She's clearly upset but instead of helping her, you start filming her? Do you not see how it would be extremely easy for a judge to presume that you're doing nothing but coaching the child in order to frustrate Dad's visitation rights?

And she calls you telling you to come and get her? She's 3 years old. If you were Santa, she'd want to come home and see him too.


I think there was far more to it than "Dad's house was a better environment". That alone is not going to change custody once it's already been determined. I think what's happened is that you've virtually handed Dad custody on a silver platter.

You need an attorney, Mom. You're not equipped to do this yourself and you're going to find yourself even worse off.

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ETA: Sorry. She's TWO years old. That's even worse.

I don't just stand there and video her as she is having a meltdown. As I mentioned earlier I live with family. As I was trying to calm her down someone else pulled out their phone, based on the advise of an attorney.

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Quoting Paige1990

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I don't just stand there and video her as she is having a meltdown. As I mentioned earlier I live with family. As I was trying to calm her down someone else pulled out their phone, based on the advise of an attorney.

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An attorney who was working for you? Who knows your case inside and out?

The attorney should have known exactly how that can be perceived in court. Coaching, manipulative, the list is virtually endless. As you now know, it didn't work in your favor.

As it stands, you have nothing. The court is already questioning your credibility and you're now in the unenviable position where even if you have legitimate complaint it's going to be scrutinized to the Nth degree. You do not want this. Work on yourself, and on being the best co-parent you can manage even if it breaks your heart when she goes back to Dad's. She's picking up on every single one of your feelings and there must be a paradigm shift if you want her to grow up into a well-adjusted child and adult.

Make sure you encourage her to have fun with Dad, be matter of fact about it and help her learn positive coping mechanisms. If you can do that, it doesn't matter where she sleeps - she'll have two parents who love her deeply and obviously think her wellbeing is paramount.

That's a win/win no matter what, right?

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ETA. Did the findings of fact mention anything about alienation? Dad suffering because of your manipulation?

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Quoting Dogmatique

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An attorney who was working for you? Who knows your case inside and out?

The attorney should have known exactly how that can be perceived in court. Coaching, manipulative, the list is virtually endless. As you now know, it didn't work in your favor.

As it stands, you have nothing. The court is already questioning your credibility and you're now in the unenviable position where even if you have legitimate complaint it's going to be scrutinized to the Nth degree. You do not want this. Work on yourself, and on being the best co-parent you can manage even if it breaks your heart when she goes back to Dad's. She's picking up on every single one of your feelings and there must be a paradigm shift if you want her to grow up into a well-adjusted child and adult.

Make sure you encourage her to have fun with Dad, be matter of fact about it and help her learn positive coping mechanisms. If you can do that, it doesn't matter where she sleeps - she'll have two parents who love her deeply and obviously think her wellbeing is paramount.

That's a win/win no matter what, right?

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ETA. Did the findings of fact mention anything about alienation? Dad suffering because of your manipulation?

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There has to be more to the story than we are getting. Or, in the alternative the judge had to be having a very bad day and his decision should have been appealed. Making that massive of a change in a 2-3 year olds life is an extremely disruptive thing to do. Particularly when the child was at the stage where she had just spent her first extended visit with the ncp. No judge would do that unless the judge felt it was absolutely the only thing that could be done to protect the child's best interest.

I feel sorry for the poor child. What an awful age for that to happen. Somebody certainly let her down.

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Quoting llworking

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There has to be more to the story than we are getting. Or, in the alternative the judge had to be having a very bad day and his decision should have been appealed. Making that massive of a change in a 2-3 year olds life is an extremely disruptive thing to do. Particularly when the child was at the stage where she had just spent her first extended visit with the ncp. No judge would do that unless the judge felt it was absolutely the only thing that could be done to protect the child's best interest.

I feel sorry for the poor child. What an awful age for that to happen. Somebody certainly let her down.

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I think the judge is seeing some major alienation going on. I'm just not buying that the judge would actually switch custody if it wasn't a pretty clear-cut case of alienation and/or it's part of a distinct pattern.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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I think the judge is seeing some major alienation going on. I'm just not buying that the judge would actually switch custody if it wasn't a pretty clear-cut case of alienation and/or it's part of a distinct pattern.

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I am guessing that as well...however I have seen some judges make some REALLY bad decisions when they are having a bad day...and this one leans that way for me. Yes, its possible for alienation to happen with a child that young, but its far more prevalent with older children. I cannot imagine someone being able to successful cause my 2 1/2 year old grandson to be alienated from someone else...but I could see it being possible with my 9 year old granddaughter.

The only way that I can see it being possible (and not just the judge having a bad day) is if mom fought tooth and nail to prevent ANY visitation from happening to start with, and that left a bad taste in the judge's mouth, and then her bringing the case back to try to reduce or stop visitation just made it worse.

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Quoting llworking

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I am guessing that as well...however I have seen some judges make some REALLY bad decisions when they are having a bad day...and this one leans that way for me. Yes, its possible for alienation to happen with a child that young, but its far more prevalent with older children. I cannot imagine someone being able to successful cause my 2 1/2 year old grandson to be alienated from someone else...but I could see it being possible with my 9 year old granddaughter.

The only way that I can see it being possible (and not just the judge having a bad day) is if mom fought tooth and nail to prevent ANY visitation from happening to start with, and that left a bad taste in the judge's mouth, and then her bringing the case back to try to reduce or stop visitation just made it worse.

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I can see it. Don't even have to imagine it. After all, the guy who has custody isn't daddy. He is the biological father. He is not the father, he is biological dad. She took a two year to a psychologist. Guess who the psychologist got the information from regarding the child's behavior -- mom and, if more than mom, mom's family. I highly doubt dad got any input in talking to the psychologist. Mom tried to make a case so that her baby wouldn't have to be away from her and her house overnights. She didn't try to make it better for the child. She wanted to make it better for her and used the child. And the child is 2 and calls and begs mom to come get her? I'm not buying that all.

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Quoting Paige1990

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I don't just stand there and video her as she is having a meltdown. As I mentioned earlier I live with family. As I was trying to calm her down someone else pulled out their phone, based on the advise of an attorney.

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Do you have a boyfriend? Child been around your boyfriend? Has the child spent the night at your boyfriend's house?

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Quoting llworking

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I am guessing that as well...however I have seen some judges make some REALLY bad decisions when they are having a bad day...and this one leans that way for me. Yes, its possible for alienation to happen with a child that young, but its far more prevalent with older children. I cannot imagine someone being able to successful cause my 2 1/2 year old grandson to be alienated from someone else...but I could see it being possible with my 9 year old granddaughter.

The only way that I can see it being possible (and not just the judge having a bad day) is if mom fought tooth and nail to prevent ANY visitation from happening to start with, and that left a bad taste in the judge's mouth, and then her bringing the case back to try to reduce or stop visitation just made it worse.

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The bolded - absolutely. That's precisely what I'm thinking. But as far as the child's age, and it being possible to be alienated from the parent or not, it doesn't matter so much ... it's the attempt (or what the court sees as an attempt) I'm betting the judge acted upon. Not the final result, but what might be perceived as a blatant attempt.

The videotaping may have been the final straw and yeah, the 2 year old calling Mom and begging to come back home? I'd be raising my eyebrows if I were the judge on that one.

Regardless Mom knows her credibility is shot. She's going to face an uphill battle now something akin to the boy crying wolf. Was it designed and directed by her red right hand? I'm not sure she had actual malicious intent. Selfish, oh hell yes. But actually malicious ... I dunno. I'd go with "desperate and clueless" before "malicious".

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Quoting Dogmatique

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The bolded - absolutely. That's precisely what I'm thinking. But as far as the child's age, and it being possible to be alienated from the parent or not, it doesn't matter so much ... it's the attempt (or what the court sees as an attempt) I'm betting the judge acted upon. Not the final result, but what might be perceived as a blatant attempt.

The videotaping may have been the final straw and yeah, the 2 year old calling Mom and begging to come back home? I'd be raising my eyebrows if I were the judge on that one.

Regardless Mom knows her credibility is shot. She's going to face an uphill battle now something akin to the boy crying wolf. Was it designed and directed by her red right hand? I'm not sure she had actual malicious intent. Selfish, oh hell yes. But actually malicious ... I dunno. I'd go with "desperate and clueless" before "malicious".

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I want my questions answered about the boyfriend and such first. Selfish can be malicious. Mom screwed up. I will bet what I said was correct.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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The bolded - absolutely. That's precisely what I'm thinking. But as far as the child's age, and it being possible to be alienated from the parent or not, it doesn't matter so much ... it's the attempt (or what the court sees as an attempt) I'm betting the judge acted upon. Not the final result, but what might be perceived as a blatant attempt.

The videotaping may have been the final straw and yeah, the 2 year old calling Mom and begging to come back home? I'd be raising my eyebrows if I were the judge on that one.

Regardless Mom knows her credibility is shot. She's going to face an uphill battle now something akin to the boy crying wolf. Was it designed and directed by her red right hand? I'm not sure she had actual malicious intent. Selfish, oh hell yes. But actually malicious ... I dunno. I'd go with "desperate and clueless" before "malicious".

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I agree with that. I still cannot help feeling that it might not have been in the best interest of the child.