Should the Defendant Contact the Accuser in a Sexual Assault Case

I meet someone on a dating website and we have been talking for several weeks, we finally meet up last Friday and after a night out of drinking came back to my place. We ended up having sex and she stayed over. In the morning her mother was calling her worried about her not coming home, she didn't answer the phone. The mother showed up at my house and took her daughter to the police station after finding out we had sex. She stated that she doesn't remember much of the night but thinks she may have been to drunk to consent. The mother believes her little princess would never have sex after the first date and thinks there was some drugs or misconduct involved which prompted her to take to the police station. The police searched my house but no charges have been filed. After giving my statement they (the detective) told me our stories were consistent and it seems like a case or regrettable sex rather than sexual assault. The cops took my sheets and my rx medications. They told me if her blood work was negative for drugs or roofies nothing would most likely come of it.

My question is, can I contact her and ask her to talk if no charges have been filed? I have not spoken to her since she left my house and when she was leaving we kissed and made plans to meet up later. This is all out left field, and shocking to me. This could ruin my life. I just started my career as a healthcare provider.

Further more, the cops found some weed and a stun gun in my stuff and said although I won't have to worry about the assault (as long I didn't roofie her, which I absolutely did not) but I will likely be brought up on charges of possession of mj and weapon??!

I'm freaking out here. Advice?
I want to text her to see what's going on and why this happening? From the night we had together I was thinking we were headed toward a relationship or at least a second date... She is 29 and I'm 30.
I spoke to an attorney and I was told not to talk to anyone, I figure if I speak to her and she tells me her mother put her up to it this could all go away??

DO NOT TALK TO HER.

Ever again. I am being deadly serious here - do not contact her again. Wipe her from your memories. You don't need this, and even the slightest bit of contact has the potential to become much more than you could realize.

You're safe, it seems, so take it for what it is.

Now, my answer might change once you respond to these questions:

You said she's 29, right? Then why oh why is her mother even involved? Is this young lady disabled?

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Quoting Dogmatique

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DO NOT TALK TO HER.

Ever again. I am being deadly serious here - do not contact her again. Wipe her from your memories. You don't need this, and even the slightest bit of contact has the potential to become much more than you could realize.

You're safe, it seems, so take it for what it is.

Now, my answer might change once you respond to these questions:

You said she's 29, right? Then why oh why is her mother even involved? Is this young lady disabled?

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Yes 29,
She is living with her mother at the moment because she recently separated and going through a divorce. she was previously married for I believe five years, I imagine she is close to her mother, and her mother knew it was our first date after meeting online (Maybe a safety pact). It's still difficult to figure out because we have been talking for 2- 3 weeks prior to meeting and we have talked on the phone for hours at a time, so I was no stranger. When her mother was ringing my doorbell at 7 a.m. the next morning she responded with "it feels like I'm 18" I quickly wondered if she had lied about her age, but then she wouldn't have been able to get into the club or bar the night before. I also wondered how the mother knew where I lived because I had never given her my address I guess there was some kind of tracking on her phone or vehicle. I had a bad feeling that morning . The other fact is that after we had went to the nightclub and heading back to my house I asked her if she wanted to move her car from the bar we started at because she had left it there and we ridden together. There was concer that the car might get towed, she wanted to move it, so if she was coherent enough to drive at the end of the night back to my house without incident, then she was clearly capable of decision makining and was not a lifeless corps I took advantage of..She is not physically disabled and it not seem mentally disabled. She's in school to be a dialysis technician. In addition to her mother calling I noticed her father was calling too that morning. I assume the mother was panicking when her daughter did not come home, and assume she didn't tell her mother she was staying over.

Rules:

1. Never, ever date a person who is still married to their spouse. If they've been separated for 5 years without at least filing for divorce, at least one of them just isn't prepared to let go yet. You're never going to be the #1 in their life. And if they're recently separated, you're going to be The Rebound Guy.

2. Never, ever date someone who is still under the thumb of his/her parents. While this rule can be bent a little, if they're actually living with their parents that's a pretty clear sign that you should wait awhile.

Don't be "that guy". Find someone who is emotionally free.

(And ... you mentioned a "lifeless corpse". Is there any other type?! :) )

Just want to reiterate that contacting her is the worst thing you can possibly do. Absolutely do not contact her. No, not, nein, nyet, nought, never.

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Quoting cbg

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Just want to reiterate that contacting her is the worst thing you can possibly do. Absolutely do not contact her. No, not, nein, nyet, nought, never.

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Heartily agree.

Don't talk to cops with out a lawyer or let them inside,unless they have a warrant. The weed isn't that big a deal but it's worse b.c it's a drug charge and your working in the health field. I would speak to a lawyer and see what the chances of getting the weed charged dropped or reduced to a non criminal,non drug charge. If your charged with that or the stun gun. Did the cops take the weed?

This girl should be arrested for filing a false report and her mother,who know if they can. If they chooses to arrest you,even that can have a big effect.

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Quoting tc498

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This girl should be arrested for filing a false report and her mother,who know if they can. If they chooses to arrest you,even that can have a big effect.

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how do you know anything in the report was false?

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Quoting eerelations

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Heartily agree.

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Okay I will take the advice, and not contact her. I have a few other questions.

The other question I have is how much should I expect a retainer to be and the hourly cost for a case like this should the charges arise?

How long before I will be contacted by the police?

What should I expect, they said they are waiting her blood work to show if anything was in her system? How long can that take?

Will/can they still charge me with possession of weed and having a stun gun if her blood-work is neg and they don't have a case?

The attorney told me if they had enough for charges they would have arrested me?

Can the police keep me out of my house while they obtain search warrant?

Will cooperation with the police only be used against me?



I am freaking out here, cant eat, cant sleep, cant think.

Of course they can. It's a separate offense.

Remind me again why you need a stun gun?

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The other question I have is how much should I expect a retainer to be and the hourly cost for a case like this should the charges arise?

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it varies, especially with what crime is actually charged, if one is.

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How long before I will be contacted by the police?

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anywhere from right now until the statute of limitations for whatever crime might be charged expires which is likely at least one year but could be longer,

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What should I expect, they said they are waiting her blood work to show if anything was in her system? How long can that take?

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days, weeks, even months

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Will/can they still charge me with possession of weed and having a stun gun if her blood-work is neg and they don't have a case?

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will they? you need a psychic for that, can they; yes

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The attorney told me if they had enough for charges they would have arrested me?

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you need a different lawyer

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Can the police keep me out of my house while they obtain search warrant?

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are you on your house now?

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Will cooperation with the police only be used against me?

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it can be

Yes I am in my house now, but prior to the search warrant they would not let me in, they kept me out while they were getting one.

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Quoting localuser2015

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Yes I am in my house now, but prior to the search warrant they would not let me in, they kept me out while they were getting one.

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yes, they could do what they did.

I have is how much should I expect a retainer to be and the hourly cost for a case like this should the charges arise? That is FAR too situation and regionally specific to answer. Call a few attorneys and ask.

How long before I will be contacted by the police? I don't know; the crystal ball is out for cleaning.

What should I expect, they said they are waiting her blood work to show if anything was in her system? How long can that take? You can expect to find out when they are done. How long it can take depends on how backed up their lab is.

Will/can they still charge me with possession of weed and having a stun gun if her blood-work is neg and they don't have a case? Can - yes. Will - see "crystal ball" above.

The attorney told me if they had enough for charges they would have arrested me? If you have an attorney, why aren't you asking him these questions?

Can the police keep me out of my house while they obtain search warrant? I'll pass on this one.

Will cooperation with the police only be used against me? "Crystal ball" again.

I have indeed spoken to an attorney, but I have not retained any services as of now. I'm trying to get my financial situation in order. I just can't believe this nightmare.

Ditto the others - DO NOT CONTACT THIS WOMAN!

Also, this is yet another in a long parade of examples of what happens when people hook up for sex without, first, dating and actually having a "relationship." I had thought we had evolved past such primal biology, but, apparently not.

As for preventing entry while obtaining a search warrant, yes, that is often permissible. Whether it was in your case or not depends on the circumstances. But, if there is a chance that you could destroy evidence and they are seeking a search warrant, they can generally secure a location pending that warrant. The police may not be able to force you to stay on scene, but, they can (in many cases) protect the scene.

Well I would like to mention that it wasn't the first time we had ever spoken. we had been talking for 3 weeks via text message and phone conversations, she had sent me quite a few pictures of herself as well. Nothing nude or vulgar but definitely sexy pictures. In fact one of our conversations was two and a half hours long. additionally when she was over here she mentioned how much she liked me and wanted to hang out the following night. I think the issue comes down to the overprotective mother whose daughter did not call her when she was out on a first date with someone she met on the internet. Not to mention not coming home that night. Once her mother found out that she had sex and she was feeling sick and hungover the next morning she immediately assumed foul play and proceeded to take her to the police station. I assume her mother has more influence over her life and she had to appease her by reporting me. Furthermore I would like to add that she is still married and the divorce papers were not finalized, is there a chance that plays a role in all of this?

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I don't know, I'm just going to hit one knee and pray as much as I can that this does not ruin my life.

...and you need a stun gun .. why?

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Quoting localuser2015

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Well I would like to mention that it wasn't the first time we had ever spoken. we had been talking for 3 weeks via text message and phone conversations, she had sent me quite a few pictures of herself as well. Nothing nude or vulgar but definitely sexy pictures. In fact one of our conversations was two and a half hours long.

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That's NOT getting to know someone. But, it seems to pass for a relationship in today's hook-up-and-get-out world where time invested seems to equate to quality somehow.

Truly dating tends to eliminate these problems.

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I think the issue comes down to the overprotective mother whose daughter did not call her when she was out on a first date with someone she met on the internet. Not to mention not coming home that night. Once her mother found out that she had sex and she was feeling sick and hungover the next morning she immediately assumed foul play and proceeded to take her to the police station. I assume her mother has more influence over her life and she had to appease her by reporting me. Furthermore I would like to add that she is still married and the divorce papers were not finalized, is there a chance that plays a role in all of this?

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And, had you gotten to really KNOW this woman, it is very likely that these issues would have been exposed and you would not be here today!

Of course, mommy and the fact she was not yet divorced have played a part in all of this! Guilt plays a large factor in a number of such claims. But, you can be tainted by the allegation even if you are never charged. All the more reason to avoid this sort of hook-up again.

Consult that lawyer!

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Quoting Dogmatique

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...and you need a stun gun .. why?

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Well, too the investigators it might have looked like option B if they say "no."

The stun gun was purchased in California legally on the Internet from eBay. I had moved across the country and it was packed in my stuff unbeknownst to me that in the new state I was moving to it was illegal to possess. The stun gun was a cheap ebay Chinese unit purchased for $15, when they found it they said it was non functional noted that it may be related to a battery which may have been dead. Wouldn't it be considered an inoperable unit in that case?

You still have not answered the question of WHY you purchased a stun gun, legally or any other way.

An illegal weapon does not become legal by virtue of being damaged.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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(And ... you mentioned a "lifeless corpse". Is there any other type?! :) )

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have you ever seen "Night of the Living Dead"?

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Quoting Lehk

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An illegal weapon does not become legal by virtue of being damaged.



have you ever seen "Night of the Living Dead"?

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True story: my husband was an extra on the original Dawn Of The Dead.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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True story: my husband was an extra on the original Dawn Of The Dead.

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Kewl! Was he a zombie?

Even I didn't know that! Will have to hear that story.

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Quoting cbg

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Even I didn't know that! Will have to hear that story.

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Well, geez! We have to hear more! That movie is a classic! Just watched it again for the umpteenth-jillionth time this last weekend!

Trivia: *I* was an extra in a movie that won 7 Oscars! :) ... (Aside from being married for 24 1/2 years and raising 4 (most-of-the-time) great sons, and nearing the end of a rather incredible policing career, that's my biggest claim to fame!)

I was almost in a movie that didn't win any awards, but did reasonably well at the box office. But then the Red Sox won when they weren't expected to, and so I wasn't.

Ten points if you can figure out what movie I was almost in. Doggie is not allowed to guess.

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Quoting cbg

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I was almost in a movie that didn't win any awards, but did reasonably well at the box office. But then the Red Sox won when they weren't expected to, and so I wasn't.

Ten points if you can figure out what movie I was almost in. Doggie is not allowed to guess.

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Uh ... Fever Pitch???

That's only Sox movie that comes to mind ... darn my lack of movie trivia smarts!

Well done!

We were in the stands at Fenway the day they initially filmed the scene where she runs across the field, and they asked us to stay put after the game so there would be enough spectators. But when the Sox won the World Series that year, for the first time in 86 years (Go Sox!) they had to refilm the scene. So we ended up on the cutting room floor.

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Quoting cbg

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Well done!

We were in the stands at Fenway the day they initially filmed the scene where she runs across the field, and they asked us to stay put after the game so there would be enough spectators. But when the Sox won the World Series that year, for the first time in 86 years (Go Sox!) they had to refilm the scene. So we ended up on the cutting room floor.

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Yeah! After you posted that question and I replied off the cuff, I went and looked up[ the trivia and read that they had to re-shoot the scene! What a hoot, though! Sorry you ended up on the cutting room floor :(

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Quoting cbg

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Well done!

We were in the stands at Fenway the day they initially filmed the scene where she runs across the field, and they asked us to stay put after the game so there would be enough spectators. But when the Sox won the World Series that year, for the first time in 86 years (Go Sox!) they had to refilm the scene. So we ended up on the cutting room floor.

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I was an extra in the Movie, "Breaking Away". It was shot on campus my senior year at IU and I was in lots of crowd scenes.

Okay, so, a few potential SAG cards on these boards! :)

It was fun anyway. And believe me, the Sox win that year was worth it!

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Quoting cbg

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It was fun anyway. And believe me, the Sox win that year was worth it!

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I imagine it was. :)