Mother Objects to Father's Girlfriend's Being With the Child After Domestic Violence

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Illinois

I am engaged to a wonderful man and he has a beautiful little girl. Him and I have had our ups and downs. One weekend we had her in our care we had gotten into a pretty heated argument and I had ended up hitting him. The daughter did not see anything but heard us arguing. The cops were called and no one was arrested or charged with anything. It resulted in my fiancé and his daughter staying at a friends house for the remaining weekend. This happened in early June and has been resolved and nothing like that has happened since. His ex wife on the other hand will not let my fiancé have his daughter for his court appointed weekends since the end of June. He is only allowed a few hours here and there as long as it's on her terms.

We have a lawyer and had a court date in August but she avoided the cops to get served papers and got them the day before in which you have to have 48 hrs notice. We had another court date and it was cancelled again cause the ex wife's lawyer stated she had no case and dropped her. She had to obtain a new attorney and he couldn't make the day the court was scheduled. She says she doesn't want their child around me cause I threatened their daughter's life or the life of her father, which was not the case. She's basing her reasoning off of things she thinks went on that night.

We were really hoping to be able to have her on the weekends again and would like some advice as to what to do. Also one more thing the ex wife's step dad is a convicted sex offender in which he raped and molested the ex wife since the age of about 11 to 17 and she takes their daughter around him, but I'm a horrible person. What should we do on that subject also? Thank ya'll for your time on reading this. I have not involved myself in this situation at all unless my fiancé asked my opinion. I didn't want to make things worse.

I forgot to mention I've seen their daughter a couple times since and have sat her down and talked to her and apologized. She has forgiven me and tells me she loves me and my children, she misses us, and still gives me the biggest hugs when I've been around. Also when she's on the phone with her dad she asks about me and how I'm doing and asks about my children. This in turn is hurting her and the mother doesn't realize this.

So mom has an issue with YOU being around the child, yet YOU have sat down with the child and discussed things......alone?.......without mom knowing?.....

You are complaining about mom only guessing what happened the night of your fight. Where do you suppose she is getting her information from? Perhaps from the same place she is going to hear about these talks you had with her daughter?

If I were you, I would take a back seat NOW and not interject myself into this situation any more than I already have, or else the outcome might be dad having to choose between you and his daughter.

As far as the next step, it sounds like dad has his ducks in a row and is waiting for the hearing. Not really much you can do, and if mom is still allowing him visitation and communication by phone, why are you stressing so hard?

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Quoting lbbbkb84

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Illinois

I am engaged to a wonderful man and he has a beautiful little girl. Him and I have had our ups and downs. One weekend we had her in our care we had gotten into a pretty heated argument and I had ended up hitting him.

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I don't think you're going to like my response...

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The daughter did not see anything but heard us arguing. The cops were called and no one was arrested or charged with anything. It resulted in my fiancé and his daughter staying at a friends house for the remaining weekend. This happened in early June and has been resolved and nothing like that has happened since. His ex wife on the other hand will not let my fiancé have his daughter for his court appointed weekends since the end of June. He is only allowed a few hours here and there as long as it's on her terms. We have a lawyer and had a court date in August but she avoided the cops to get served papers and got them the day before in which you have to have 48 hrs notice. We had another court date and it was cancelled again cause the ex wife's lawyer stated she had no case and dropped her. She had to obtain a new attorney and he couldn't make the day the court was scheduled. She says she doesn't want their child around me cause I threatened their daughter's life or the life of her father, which was not the case. She's basing her reasoning off of things she thinks went on that night. We were really hoping to be able to have her on the weekends again and would like some advice as to what to do.

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Seriously? Dad should think twice about living with you. I know you don't want to hear that, but you've both exposed that poor child to domestic violence and that's frankly the fastest way to make sure Dad's visitation is either supervised, or unsupervised with the proviso that you're not to be left alone with the child.

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Also one more thing the ex wife's step dad is a convicted sex offender in which he raped and molested the ex wife since the age of about 11 to 17 and she takes their daughter around him, but I'm a horrible person.

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Dad should ask his attorney. It's possible that he's not allowed to be left unsupervised with minors, it's possible that he has no restrictions and it's possible that Mom is putting the child at risk.

But then again - Dad knew this before he and Mom divorced, didn't he?

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What should we do on that subject also? Thank ya'll for your time on reading this. I have not involved myself in this situation at all unless my fiancé asked my opinion. I didn't want to make things worse.

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I forgot to mention I've seen their daughter a couple times since and have sat her down and talked to her and apologized. She has forgiven me and tells me she loves me and my children, she misses us, and still gives me the biggest hugs when I've been around. Also when she's on the phone with her dad she asks about me and how I'm doing and asks about my children. This in turn is hurting her and the mother doesn't realize this.

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I'm going to turn this around to give you an example. Don't kill the messenger...

But it would be VERY easy to say that his daughter is actually terrified of you now, and that's why she tells you that she forgave you and she loves you...because children will very often tell you what they think you want to hear, and all too often their instincts are correct. She could be trying to make sure you never get mad at her like you did with Dad. You hit her father. You HIT him. This is either not the first time, or an indication of what is to come in the future and frankly if I were Mom I'd be making sure you wouldn't be alone with the child.

Do you see what I'm saying there?

I did not discuss anything with their daughter alone...her dad was there and I did not involve her in anything adult. I put everything in terms appropriate for her age. The thing I apologized for was how me AND her dad handled the situation was wrong and we would never let it get that far again. And we havent. I am a good person who made a mistake. People are allowed those. I have never done anything like that in the past. Nor do I intend to in the future. Also the mom knew I had the conversation with their daughter. I did not hurt the situation and did not say anything that would hurt my fiancé's case in any way. I do have 4 children and know how to talk to a child. I have no clue where she gets her info. I can only assume she's assuming. If she wanted facts on that night all she had to do was ask the people involved meaning me and their daughter's father which refuse to do. I have been in the "backseat" the entire time. I only spoke with their daughter and apologized because I and her dad agreed we both owed her that and she deserved it. I'm only stressing because it took a month to get his first court date and another month to get the second. I just hate to see him upset. She has done this sort of thing to him in 2 previous relationships he has had to "get rid" of the other woman as he states. He says he's not going to sacrifice his happiness for his ex wife's jealousy anymore. Hence the reason he obtained the attorney. He wants both me and his daughter in his life. The only times I have seen his daughter is in public places as I have no restraining order against me and 2 of those times the mother was present. Also both times the daughter stated she missed me and gave me a hug.

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I see what your saying as I am a mother myself. But the fact is the daughter even says this unprovoked without me there or with me there. She doesn't even know I hit her dad at all. She even said she hated her mom and I have told her that she was her mom and she's can love her. That nothing is her fault or her mom's fault. She was just mad at me for this mistake I've made. I've assured her that both her parents love her and are just looking out for her cause she is their world.

How old is this girl?

About the sex offender the mother of the ex wife and and the step dad were divorced at the time they divorced and then they reunited. He has stated on several occasions he didn't want their daughter around him and didn't know what to do next.

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She is 10 years old. And the mother has exposed the child to a lot more than what happened that night. The daughter tells my daughters she wants to live with us but she doesn't want to make her mom cry cause of all the boyfriends who have hurt her mom.

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Quoting lbbbkb84

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I did not discuss anything with their daughter alone...her dad was there and I did not involve her in anything adult. I put everything in terms appropriate for her age. The thing I apologized for was how me AND her dad handled the situation was wrong and we would never let it get that far again. And we havent. I am a good person who made a mistake. People are allowed those. I have never done anything like that in the past. Nor do I intend to in the future. Also the mom knew I had the conversation with their daughter. I did not hurt the situation and did not say anything that would hurt my fiancé's case in any way. I do have 4 children and know how to talk to a child. I have no clue where she gets her info. I can only assume she's assuming. If she wanted facts on that night all she had to do was ask the people involved meaning me and their daughter's father which refuse to do. I have been in the "backseat" the entire time. I only spoke with their daughter and apologized because I and her dad agreed we both owed her that and she deserved it. I'm only stressing because it took a month to get his first court date and another month to get the second. I just hate to see him upset. She has done this sort of thing to him in 2 previous relationships he has had to "get rid" of the other woman as he states. He says he's not going to sacrifice his happiness for his ex wife's jealousy anymore. Hence the reason he obtained the attorney. He wants both me and his daughter in his life. The only times I have seen his daughter is in public places as I have no restraining order against me and 2 of those times the mother was present. Also both times the daughter stated she missed me and gave me a hug.

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I see what your saying as I am a mother myself. But the fact is the daughter even says this unprovoked without me there or with me there. She doesn't even know I hit her dad at all. She even said she hated her mom and I have told her that she was her mom and she's can love her. That nothing is her fault or her mom's fault. She was just mad at me for this mistake I've made. I've assured her that both her parents love her and are just looking out for her cause she is their world.

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We all make mistakes, this is true. But we all have to live with the consequences - and I'm seeing too much rationalization here.

So, Dad has a court date. There is quite literally nothing he can do in the meantime, and he does need to understand that he may have to make a decision in the future.

You, or his child.

I'm not trying to rationalize, I'm trying to help you understand the situation. And no we are waiting on the court date for the third time. And what I don't understand is why her lawyer would drop her saying she doesn't have a case if it weren't true. Also I would never make him choose between me or his daughter. I've told him I would leave but he wants me here and like I've said she's done this everything he gets serious with someone. One girl she threatened to take their daughter away cause the woman didn't have children herself. The ex uses me when she wants. If she wants a night of partying she called me, she needed someone to take their daughter to the dentist she called me, and I usually picked their daughter up for visitation and he was working and the ex didn't want to wait cause she had plans.

You're not understanding.

It's not that anyone thinks that you would make him choose between you and the child.

It's that a judge might make him choose between you and the child.

Oh yea I know that to and I've realized the judge may make me step back and leave but right now we're taking one step at a time. I love him and her and I only hope the best for their relationship. Like I've said though his lawyer said she doesn't have a case, her lawyer said she doesn't have a case, I have never had any criminal charges against me or protection orders. This is a one time event that happened and was provoked I might add. I mean I'm military and in the nursing program. The cops could have pressed charges even though he didn't but they didn't. Partly because it was a one time occurrence and that I want the only one at fault.