How Will a Child's Discomfort With a Stepparent Affect Visitation

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New York.

I am living with a man I have been seeing for quite some time now. We live together with his 18 year old son, permanently (as the son has no communication, or interested in communicating, with his mother at all). He has a daughter who is 13 and sees occasionally (there is no visitation order in place, yet). When he has seen her in the past, we would (together) have dinner, go places, bake, play games etc.

Just recently, his daughter told her father she feels uncomfortable around me. There was never any indication of this, and my boyfriend believes it is his ex wife coaxing his daughter to say this in an effort to sabotage our relationship, or his ability to see his daughter.

My question is... once visitation is set, can his daughter say she doesn't want to see him because of me? if so, can we put any mediator in place to prove there is nothing going awry during her visitation that would make her feel uncomfortable?

Just as an example, I do not even hold his hand while she is around out of respect for her, so I would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable.

I would like to know our options so he could have his daughter in his life on a consistent basis, while still securing our relationship.

Thank you

Absent a visitation order Dad has no specific leverage ..
It's not rare for,one parent to try to influence the child for any number of reasons
Is there a child support order in place?

Getting a mediator would be pointless - neither they, nor you and your husband, could prove that there's nothing for her to feel anxious about. She has a mind of her own, and it would actually be a major backwards step for your husband if he got it into his head that a mediator - or anyone else, for that matter - could say "Well, stop feeling anxious because there's nothing to be anxious about here". To be blunt, it's a ridiculous idea.

He can file for an enforceable visitation plan in court. While 13 is typically a little young for this to happen, it's not outwith the realm of possibility that she can dictate the terms of visitation.

He also needs to remember something very, very important. She's 13 and undoubtedly hormonal and dealing with being 13 is tough enough; if she's forced to do something she could harbor deep resentment towards her father or you.

Does this mean she should have all the say? No. But this isn't as simple as filing for visitation of a 5 year old, either.

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Child support doesn't matter, incidentally.

child support sure does matter IF Mom is jockeying to get more of same....we simply don't know who is playing what card?

He is in the midst of serving the mother with visitation papers.

If and when the court orders him visitation for every other weekend, can she as a child choose to not adhere? For any reason?

If the court allows her to do so, yes.

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Quoting Nyxxie

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New York.

I am living with a man I have been seeing for quite some time now. We live together with his 18 year old son, permanently (as the son has no communication, or interested in communicating, with his mother at all). He has a daughter who is 13 and sees occasionally (there is no visitation order in place, yet). When he has seen her in the past, we would (together) have dinner, go places, bake, play games etc.

Just recently, his daughter told her father she feels uncomfortable around me. There was never any indication of this, and my boyfriend believes it is his ex wife coaxing his daughter to say this in an effort to sabotage our relationship, or his ability to see his daughter.

My question is... once visitation is set, can his daughter say she doesn't want to see him because of me? if so, can we put any mediator in place to prove there is nothing going awry during her visitation that would make her feel uncomfortable?

Just as an example, I do not even hold his hand while she is around out of respect for her, so I would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable.

I would like to know our options so he could have his daughter in his life on a consistent basis, while still securing our relationship.

Thank you

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Food for thought: (personal advice not legal advice)

If before you came along, she got alone time with dad, or time alone with dad and her brother, and you are always there now, it may be that rather than being specifically uncomfortable with you, she is uncomfortable with the fact that she never gets any alone time with either dad, or with dad and her brother.

It would not be at all unusual for a 13 year old girl to have that kind of reaction. So it may not be the ex coaxing her at all, it may honestly be how she feels, and the ex may or may not be enabling her to feel that way.

Why don't you suggest to dad that he invite her out to dinner, just the two of them, and see how that goes?...or to some other activity that she likes.

Another possibility as well is that at 13, friends tend to be more important to children than parents. It might be that if dad tells her she can invite a friend along to an activity, or to spend the night, that might also help.

Those are just a couple of suggestions of how to deal with a 13 year old girl.

So how have other step parents dealt with this before? It is putting the father between a rock and a hard place as it seems he has to make a choice between seeing his daughter in the comfort of his own home for long weekend stays or short bursts here and there away from the home all because we live together. What advice can be given for this? I feel terrible that I could be the reason he cannot see his daughter.

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Iiworking, he is current seeing her now. They went out to dinner together. I will suggest he continues to do that and the other suggestions you brought up. Thank you.

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Quoting Nyxxie

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So how have other step parents dealt with this before? It is putting the father between a rock and a hard place as it seems he has to make a choice between seeing his daughter in the comfort of his own home for long weekend stays or short bursts here and there away from the home all because we live together. What advice can be given for this? I feel terrible that I could be the reason he cannot see his daughter.

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Iiworking, he is current seeing her now. They went out to dinner together. I will suggest he continues to do that and the other suggestions you brought up. Thank you.

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I am not suggesting that they only type of visitation that he uses would be things like dinner and activities out. I am suggesting that while she is spending the weekend, that they should make a point of doing some things together (without you) so that she has some alone time with daddy, and that maybe you also consider letting her invite a friend to spend the night from time to time...or to join in with activities that you all do together.

And a warning.

Dad should be prepared for Mom to fire back with (likely baseless) accusations about how StepMom is sooooo mean, and she picks on the child, and she says bad things about Mom. Expect words like "constantly" and "always" to be used.

There is clearly a history of lack of co-parenting and Dad should understand that if his daughter is made to feel like she has to "choose", she's going to choose Mom.

Fair? Oh heavens no. But it's very, very common.

Rarely are step parents liked. If she is allowed to dictate visitation on her grounds, Mom, Dad and you had better watch out for what she wants to dictate next. And if Mom is behind this, it may well back fire on her.

So how can we make this work for him, his family, and our relationship? I want him to be able to be a father to his daughter, and I feel terrible that I may very well be the reason he cannot or has not been able to get access to his daughter. What type of visitation order would be best and what can we ask of the judge to make sure this works out in everyone favor?

Will it make a difference at all that the ex wife does not have a job, and is being evicted from her home after it goes into foreclosure in a few months? I'm sure his daughter will still not feel comfortable staying with us overnight, but will she have a say at that point? Especially if mom is living in an unstable home or temporary housing (i.e a friends house).

Side note: his daughter never liked staying overnight with him even before I came into the picture because she felt uncomfortable not being in "her own house."

My end game is just to get his family together that works for everyone and makes everyone happy.

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Quoting Nyxxie

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So how can we make this work for him, his family, and our relationship? I want him to be able to be a father to his daughter, and I feel terrible that I may very well be the reason he cannot or has not been able to get access to his daughter. What type of visitation order would be best and what can we ask of the judge to make sure this works out in everyone favor?

Will it make a difference at all that the ex wife does not have a job, and is being evicted from her home after it goes into foreclosure in a few months? I'm sure his daughter will still not feel comfortable staying with us overnight, but will she have a say at that point? Especially if mom is living in an unstable home or temporary housing (i.e a friends house).

Side note: his daughter never liked staying overnight with him even before I came into the picture because she felt uncomfortable not being in "her own house."

My end game is just to get his family together that works for everyone and makes everyone happy.

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Ok, first, forget about the whole "stable home" bit because as long as mom arranges a roof over their heads and they are not sleeping in her car that is irrelevant. Parents cannot lose their children due to economic setbacks.

Second, its significant information that the child never liked spending the night. Did she ever spend the night? If she is 13 years old and the status quo is that she does not spend the night, that could factor into things fairly heavily. It doesn't mean that dad won't get standard visitation but it could mean that the judge might (emphasis on the might) honor her wishes about not spending the night. If she was a couple of years older I would say that it would be probable that she would not have to spend the night, but at 13 she is not quite old enough for that to reach the level of probable.

Third, you cannot hope for an outcome that makes everyone happy. Unfortunately, these things just don't work that way. If dad gets what he wants mom is going to be unhappy, and apparently the child will be unhappy but hopefully only on a temporary basis. If dad doesn't get what he wants you and he are going to be unhappy. The best you can hope for is something that everybody can live with.

It bears repeating:

Forget about money. I realize you probably don't have that much experience with custody and family law, but the only time finances become an issue is when the parent becomes homeless, and/or the child is actually neglected or at risk. Couch-surfing is not commonly an issue, and parents in shelters can still retain custody of their children.

I agree that the child having a history of not wanting to stay over is probably going to be quite significant, but I do have one question. Why hasn't Dad pursued this through the courts before now?

I went through a similar situation with my stepdaughter. She was some older than yours and the circumstances were different but the general effect was the same. Really, the only answer is time. I made sure there were some times that she had alone with her father and left the two of them (or the three of them, if her brother was with us) some space; other times I would be with them so she could get used to my being there. Her father offered to talk to her about it but I wouldn't let him - I thought that would just make matters worse. It took time, and I'm talking years rather than months. But today she and I are doing things together without her dad, and she hugs me when she leaves. It takes time, it takes patience, and it takes a certain amount of sacrifice. But it can be done and it can work.

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Quoting Mercy&Grace

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Rarely are step parents liked. If she is allowed to dictate visitation on her grounds, Mom, Dad and you had better watch out for what she wants to dictate next. And if Mom is behind this, it may well back fire on her.

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My grown-up stepdaughters don't just like me - they absolutely adore me.

:D

(granted, our circumstances aren't exactly common....)

Whatever the reason daughter doesn't want to spend time with Dad, the problem was there before you were. It has nothing to do with.you, even.if daughter says it does. And you can't fix the problem.

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Quoting Nyxxie

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New York.

I am living with a man I have been seeing for quite some time now. We live together with his 18 year old son, permanently (as the son has no communication, or interested in communicating, with his mother at all). He has a daughter who is 13 and sees occasionally (there is no visitation order in place, yet). When he has seen her in the past, we would (together) have dinner, go places, bake, play games etc.

Just recently, his daughter told her father she feels uncomfortable around me. There was never any indication of this, and my boyfriend believes it is his ex wife coaxing his daughter to say this in an effort to sabotage our relationship, or his ability to see his daughter.

My question is... once visitation is set, can his daughter say she doesn't want to see him because of me? if so, can we put any mediator in place to prove there is nothing going awry during her visitation that would make her feel uncomfortable?

Just as an example, I do not even hold his hand while she is around out of respect for her, so I would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable.

I would like to know our options so he could have his daughter in his life on a consistent basis, while still securing our relationship.

Thank you

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A) You are NOT a stepparent. You are no one legally.
B) You cannot file anything or request anything such as a mediatory. Your boyfriend needs to handle his issues.
C) Is this man still married to his daughter's mother? If so, you can expect a no paramour order to be put in place prohibiting you from being around the child.

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Quoting Nyxxie

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So how can we make this work for him, his family, and our relationship? I want him to be able to be a father to his daughter, and I feel terrible that I may very well be the reason he cannot or has not been able to get access to his daughter. What type of visitation order would be best and what can we ask of the judge to make sure this works out in everyone favor?

Will it make a difference at all that the ex wife does not have a job, and is being evicted from her home after it goes into foreclosure in a few months? I'm sure his daughter will still not feel comfortable staying with us overnight, but will she have a say at that point? Especially if mom is living in an unstable home or temporary housing (i.e a friends house).

Side note: his daughter never liked staying overnight with him even before I came into the picture because she felt uncomfortable not being in "her own house."

My end game is just to get his family together that works for everyone and makes everyone happy.

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A) Is dad divorced?
B) How was a divorce granted with NO VISITATION ORDER?
C) You cannot ask anything as you are not a party.

Dogmatique, I had a step mother and she was an Angel. But my parents didn't get divorced until I was almost out of high school. I also a step daughter. Unfortunately her mother made her visits very difficult. But we realized it was the mother and not the child making things difficult. I treated her like I treated the children we had together. J loved her because I loved him and she was a part of him. When she got folder and was away from the controlling influence of her mother we got a long great. It is a shame how some parents use their children as weapons when a marriage fails.

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Quoting Mercy&Grace

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Dogmatique, I had a step mother and she was an Angel. But my parents didn't get divorced until I was almost out of high school. I also a step daughter. Unfortunately her mother made her visits very difficult. But we realized it was the mother and not the child making things difficult. I treated her like I treated the children we had together. J loved her because I loved him and she was a part of him. When she got folder and was away from the controlling influence of her mother we got a long great. It is a shame how some parents use their children as weapons when a marriage fails.

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It's always the kids who suffer most.

im sure you understand legally you have no grounds but it is great that as part of this child's life and the fathers that you are seeking advice to help him and his family (and yours if you are to marry him in the future). my stepdaughter lives with my husband and i (shes always lived with her dad..he and i married when she was 4) and there have been rough patches (always is in a blended family). most problems stemmed when she visited her mother and was told either outright lies abt her father and i or shaded half-truths. shes never had a problem with me personally as i have always treated her as my own child, but her mother would tell her i didnt really love her or that i didnt take care of her, told her she wasnt supposed to "like" me etc and it was very confusing for the child bc she lives with me daily and knows i care for her and only sees her mother sporadically but she couldnt fathom her own mother telling lies (such is the trust of a young child). my advice (not legal, just personal) is like the others have stated..make sure there are opportunities for her and dad to spend some alone time and time with dad and brother. do not let the child dictate and control tho.if u are going to be a long term or permanent fixture, she also needs time with all of u together as a family and to see her father and u as a unit who works together. if a child sees any division, they will use that for leverage, especially if the other parent is encouraging this and it puts the dad in the situation of choosing which is hurtful to u, child and him. also, maybe try to do activities with just you and her so she can see you for who u are (in case she is getting a shaded version elsewhere) and that she feels secure knowing it isnt a competition for her dads attention, that u all want a family together and that she can trust you to be a supportive unit in her life..good luck to u all..ive learned thru the years, its harder being a step parent than a blood parent sometimes .

Is this about control or money or both? Note NY is a bit odd in that CS typically runs to 21 not just 18 or HS graduation.

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Quoting HRinDEVON

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Is this about control or money or both? Note NY is a bit odd in that CS typically runs to 21 not just 18 or HS graduation.

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What the heck are YOU talking about? You DO realize that the OP is talking about the 13 year old, right?